I know so many of you have looked at Courtney Love and thought “man, that’s an enviable woman!” And this morning, I’m here to tell you that it’s entirely possible, that you, too, can have all the majesty of Courtney Love. Just start by following the Courtney Love Diet, which she described, in exquisite detail, to Grub Street. It involves lots of chicken potpie, potato salad, unspecified forms of sugar for an hour every single morning, and heaping amounts of delusion.

Here’s Courtney describing a typical week of eating:

Friday, April 27
This is all you need to know about me and food …

Every day I have my house manager, Hershey — who I stole from the Mercer Hotel with André Balazs’s blessing — wake me up with a hot washcloth for my face, a leg rub, and a plate of toast soldiers.

Then someone always gets chicken potpie and potato salad from D.D., you know, Dean & Deluca. If I can’t afford D.D., I just don’t eat.

One thing from living next to Paris Hilton in L.A. … she always had a fresh cake in her house. So I make sure someone gets a full, fresh new one every day, like marzipan. My house manager tries to put it in the fridge, but I don’t like refrigeration. I know, so Portlandia of me. But I’m sorry, I’m from Portland!

That’s what I eat. Every day. And then I need sugar from 4 a.m. to 5 a.m.

(more…)

“There were many moments in my teenage years where I succumbed to, um, the weirdness of the group I was in. And in trying to conform—we’re marionettes!— I ended up looking like a moron.”

- Justin Timberlake mildly disses the band that is responsible for all he has today.

Whoa, Justin. Whoa. Here we go. You are tearin’ up my heart with all this. You apparently don’t understand the massive effect that NSYNC had on me and tons and tons of other people. You’re being so selfish with this kind of talk, do you realize this? I drive myself crazy when I think about how awesome NSYNC was, and I would give everything I own to be able to experience that magic again. And you have the nerve to say that you looked like a moron? You were at the height of your hotness when you had those beautiful, bouncy curls: it was clear then that God must have spent a little more time on you. But this new Justin Timberlake, the guy with no hair and a bad attitude? It makes me ill*. So I guess the game is over, JT. Good luck with Jessica Biel or whatever, but this I promise you: you just lost a fan.

*Another thing that makes me ill is the possibility that no one will understand or appreciate that all the italicized words are titles of NSYNC songs. Because they are. And they are so meaningful.

WELL. If that wasn’t the most depressing version of the song ‘Fight For Your Right (to Party)’ ever, then I don’t know what could be. But I guess it does speak volumes in talent for Coldplay’s Chris Martin.

The song makes me feel sad, and feel old, and feeling sad and old together aren’t necessarily the nicest things to feel in conjunction with one another. When Martin says, “Aw, Mom, you’re just jealous—it’s the Beastie Boys,” I actually felt a pang in my chest, guys. A pang. And then I felt a few more when I read a really moving tribute on the Huffington Post earlier in the weekend. Here’s an excerpt:

… Whitney Houston died a few months back, the network [MTV] went silent, choosing to show its rebroadcast of the ever-important Teen Mom 2 series in its entirety. I suppose cutting into programming to cover the biggest death in music since the King of Pop was too much for the one-time giant. An hour or so ago, Twitter blew up with news that Adam Yauch, one-third of pioneering rappers the Beastie Boys, had passed away. I found myself looking for someone like Loder to not just tell me the news, but to cover it like the music news story it is. Instead, I had to rely on TMZ to confirm the story, and for Rolling Stone to confirm the news.

When you have to rely on TMZ for news — that really says something. There has been a huge void in music since the days of Loder and Tabitha Soren, and we need it back. Reality TV killed the music video star. It’s time for MTV to return to its roots. The music has been gone long enough. So has the credibility… the revolution? It’s dead. I want my MTV back. I want Gilbert Gottfried cutting promos. I want to watch music videos of my favorite artists and new ones I never heard of. I want to mourn the death of an icon by watching tributes on a so-called music station. Yauch and the Beasties were pioneers in the hip hop and pop culture world. This news hurts. I have been a long-time fan of the triple trouble boys ever since I purchased “License to Ill” and saw their “Fight For Your Right” video for the first 2,000 times. I’ve always admired the group’s music, advocacy (free Tibet), and other passion projects. Over the years, I’ve seen them in concert about eight times — the last of which was at Madison Square Garden with one of my best buds and longtime Beastie devotee Rich Tarantino in 2004.

Reality TV killed the music video star. It’s time for MTV to return to its roots. Cut the crap, cut into your programming now, and discuss Yauch’s legacy (SiriusXM’s Alt-Nation is as we speak), and how damn influential the Beastie Boys were and are. Return to a time long before Snooki and deadbeat teen moms infested the station like roaches to a city studio and… to MCA, thank you, and rest in peace.

Oh man, so true. And, without opening an entirely different can of worms on a post that just doesn’t require it, even if MTV did relaunch its actual Music Television thing that garnered them so much fame in the early days, it wouldn’t be the same. There’s no more Beastie Boys out there, there’s no more Rage Against the Machine out there, and there’s no more Nirvana out there. These things have passed, and now we have artists of the likes of Justin Bieber, Demi Lovato, and Rihanna. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, nor is it saying that those particular artists are inferior—it’s just different, and it wouldn’t be the same even if we tried to make it the way it used to be.

And the reign of terror continues.

Apparently Amanda Bynes hit another car yesterday afternoon while driving in LA, but this time, thankfully, it wasn’t a cop car and girlfriend wasn’t drunk, but the funny thing about the whole incident is that she “didn’t even realize” what she’d done.

From TMZ:

Law enforcement sources tell TMZ … a man was driving last night near the intersection of Crescent Heights and Melrose Blvd. when he claims he was sideswiped by a Range Rover that was trying to pass him on the right.

According to our sources, when the SUV didn’t stop, the guy called police and reported the hit and run.

But the guy didn’t let it go there. According to our sources, he began to follow the SUV himself (which wasn’t difficult because there was traffic). We’re told cops responded to the scene and even dispatched a police helicopter to track the SUV, unsure of how severe the accident was.

When cops finally caught up to the Range Rover, we’re told the driver was none other than Bynes … who told police she had no idea she had struck another vehicle. Our sources say the damage to Bynes’ SUV was so minimal, it is possible she didn’t feel the accident.

Law enforcement sources tell us Amanda was very cooperative with police and cops had her exchange information with the other driver. We’re told she was not given a citation and cops will not be investigating the incident further.

So maybe she is getting advice from Lindsay, I don’t know. Maybe next up on the agenda will be clipping a baby in a stroller with her vehicle and taking off, or maybe it’ll be, gosh, landing a shitty Lifetime movie role that she builds up as the be-all, end-all of career apex.

What I want to know, though, is why she didn’t get a ticket or anything. Last I checked, it’s kind of illegal to pass on the right at an intersection. Was the accident at the intersection, or near the intersection? And if it didn’t happen at the intersection, what the hell was she doing trying to pass on the right on a non-highway? Damn, girl. Take some driving lessons while you’re at rehab, too, OK?

Guys, if you ever wondered what Courtney Stodden would be like if she ever grew up, it’d be this. Right here, Tara Reid. It’s like they’re the same person almost, save for the fact that one’s got a history of looking like a f-cking moron in public and no one takes them all that seriously. I’ll let you be the judge as to which one that is.

Tara was recently chosen for the cover of Loaded magazine (and trust me, the irony in that is not lost on me), and in the accompanying interview, she talked about how “getting drunk isn’t a crime” (though that’s debatable in some states), and how it really just comes down to brute bullying when people ask her questions about her past. Um, OK?

From Loaded—

Tara Reid on her history of alcoholism (she was treated at various rehabs numerous times):

“I did party, but I wasn’t breaking the law. It wasn’t that big of a deal. It’s not like going out and getting drunk is a crime, lots of people do it. It doesn’t make me a bad person because I like to go out and have a drink. I’ve never missed a day’s work.”

On reuniting with the male cast of ‘American Pie’ for ‘American Reunion’:

“The boys were so bad. They’d be licking their fingers and sticking them in each other’s ears, grabbing each other. They regressed to being five-year-olds. The studio had to say, ‘guys, you can’t keep going this crazy, we’re getting complaints from the crew’.”

On why she refused to answer questions about rumors including reports that she got married last year:

“I think bringing up the past is a form of bullying. There’s a form of entrapment.”

I just … I can’t even.

Last, did someone get really crafty with the Photoshop, or did Tara maybe wise up and remove the Frankenboobs*?

*No, no. Photos 5 and 6 in the gallery prove that Frankenboob is still well in effect.

From TMZ:

The unlikely duo was spotted out in NYC last night at fancy-schmancy Philippe restaurant — and we’re told this isn’t their first spin on the friendship bicycle.

Sources close to Lindsay tell TMZ … Allen and Lilo have been friends for years now and he’s one of her biggest supporters — never jumping on the judgment bandwagon.

We’re told there are no projects officially on the books right now, BUT sources tell us they’ve been throwing around the idea of Lindsay being in one of Allen’s future films — which would be huge for Lilo, since his last flick, “Midnight in Paris,” won him an Academy Award.

We’re also told Lindsay has nothing but respect for the quadruple Oscar-winning director and would LOVE to work with him.

OK, somebody just kill me now. Woody Allen, coming out in “support” of Lindsay Lohan and her Lifetime-move-role-winning ways? I can’t even stand it. If this nutty little crackhead worms her way into one of Woody Allen‘s up-and-coming films, I just don’t know what I’m going to do with myself.

I mean, honestly, what would he even call it? ‘Midnight Bar Brawls in Paris’? ‘Annie Eightball’? ‘To Rome With Love (and Drugs)’? ‘Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Cocaine But Were Afraid to Ask’? Or hey, maybe she could re-do the old classic, ‘Play It Again, Sam‘. I think I like that last one the best, probably.