Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Wynonna Judd Files for Divorce

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I suppose that’s the next indicated step when your husband is arrested for aggravated sexual battery against a minor under the age of 13. That’s some hard-core fucking up of a marriage. I mean, poor Wynonna can lose all the weight in the world, get a face lift, a tummy tuck and a boob job, but she’ll never look like a 10-year-old again. Sometimes you just have to admit you can’t compete.

Her husband, D.R. Roach (honestly that should have been the first sign that the marriage wouldn’t work: when he was like “Hi, my name’s D.R. Roach“) was arrested on March 22, but Wynonna didn’t file for divorce until after the story broke today.

“I am obviously devastated,” Wynonna said in a statement. “Our family will pull together, begin the healing process and hopefully — by the Grace of God — become stronger. We will move forward with our faith, family and our friends to find resolution to this difficult situation.”

How to Plug Your Television Show and Fuck Over Paris Hilton at the Same Time

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It’s a fine art, a precise and powerful craft, and one carefully studied by the likes of Nick Carter and now, apparently, Randy Spelling, who’s teaming up with David Weintraub and Sean Stewart (Kimberly’s brother and Rod’s son) to subject us all to another we-are-important-because-our-daddies-were series, this time titled “Sons of Hollywood” and skillfully marketed by the good folks at A&E. Spelling claims he’s the penis that started it all: Paris Hilton’s first lay.

“We were together for like two months. We went to Palm Springs once for the weekend, and we couldn’t check into the hotel under her name because her grandma was looking for her. She was like 15; I was 17. And what do you know, I hear this knock-knock-knock on the door, and I look out and her grandma’s there. And then I look out the window and I see Paris in a full-on dress with a suitcase running down the golf course. We broke up like a week later.”

That’s actually a genuinely funny story.

Says his buddy Weintraub: “Randy was Paris’ number one and her number 50 and number 150.”

Honestly, don’t these people have anything better to do with their lives than air their dirty laundry on national television? This is just a goddamn upper-crust Jerry Springer. Randy Spelling, I bet it has been killing you all these years to watch your sister get so much fame and attention and meanwhile you know that you fucked Paris Hilton first and you have no effective means of distributing this information to the masses. Thank God for A&E.

Hidden at the bottom of this article is perhaps the best part, as the “Sons of Hollywood” talk about the rest of the cast of characters in the thirty-mile zone: “Bai Ling was really crazy,” said Randy. “She earnestly told us she is from the moon. She said she comes down from the moon on weekends to change outfits. I think she believes it.”

Meanwhile, Randy Spelling looks freakishly like a member of the Sutherland family. Um, I wonder if his mother has something to tell his late father.

Thora Birch’s Dad Wants to Watch Her Get it On

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Sheesh, and Lindsay Lohan thought her father was bad. At least Michael Lohan has been safely in jail for most of Lindsay’s adult life, unlike Thora Birch’s father, who has been completely free to watch his 25-year-old daughter film raunchy sex scenes. Jack Birch, who is also Thora’s manager, insisted on being present on the closed set of The Winter of Frozen Dreams to watch the filming of her sex scenes with Dean Winters.

Said one on-set source: “It was so wrong. The director is saying, ‘Harder! Faster!’ and the father is giving [Dean] Winters the thumbs up.” Because it is industry practice for sex scenes to be filmed on a closed set, the production crew was hesitant to allow Birch’s father on the set. But “all of a sudden, the front door is being kicked in. Her father was threatening to kill the assistant directors. Then he threatens to pull her from the movie with three days of shooting left.” Filming the scene took fourteen takes. “It was the most bizarre, perverse scene,” said the witness. “One girl on the crew broke down crying.”

While Birch and Winters’ reps failed to return calls, the statement from the production company, when asked if Birch’s father stormed onto the set, kind of says it all: “We have no comment on that. We just want to focus on the movie.”

When Pubbing a Movie Goes Bad

No one knows who Eddie Griffin is, but it’s not really germane (fancy word for “German”) to the punchline here. All you need to know are these fun facts:

1) Eddie Griffin is an actor (Deuce Bigalow bitches!)
2) He’s in a movie called Redline about racing around in fancy cars.
3) He crashed a fancy $1.5m Ferrari Enzo while doing PR for the movie.

He looked to be driving around 35 when he destroyed one of the 400 of these cars ever made. That’s impressive stuff. Guess no one will be asking “Did you do your own stunts in the movie?”

For this I say we make “Eddie the unknown” our idiot of the day! Here’s the video of a beautiful car being brutalized.

Lay Off Cousin Snoop You Bastards

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It’s kind of an older story but I’ve been back on the drugs lately so I’m a little delayed.

But when those blokes across the pond strike at the very heart of America I’m obligated to strike back (like the Empire).

LONDON (AP) — Snoop Dogg and Sean “Diddy” Combs were forced to scrap a tour of Britain after authorities denied Dogg a visa, according to a statement Tuesday.

Oooooh, anger. The Swedes busted him and now authorities are “denying Dogg.” Snoop can’t catch a break in Europe. And yeah, I know you Great Britainers don’t consider yourself to be truly Europe, you’re too special, but I call you Europe anyway. Because really Europe stands for anyone who censors someone like Snoop Dogg, someone who’s special and lovely and full of neat things to share with society as a whole. That’s Snoop, and when you bar him from your country who are you really hurting? The kids, that’s who. And those little bastards are our future.

British Home Office rules state that foreign citizens can be barred from entering the country if there were concerns about their presence.

Umm, he was on The Apprentice. If the Donald has given him the gold stamp of approval why are you standing in the way? Do you not count the L.A. version as a real version of The Apprentice just because ratings are down?

I can only hope and pray that the US military gets involved, perhaps they could parachute Snoop in. Look out United Kingdom, you haven’t heard the last of this. Trust me on that my cousins.

Happy One Million Visitors, Evil Beet!!!

I’m a little late on the draw with this one, but it’s been a hectic week. We actually passed the one million visitor mark about a week ago, and I just wanted to post to thank everyone who visits, comments, links and sends hate mail. You all matter. Especially the people who send hate mail. It reminds us that our readers are engaged, and that’s perhaps the highest compliment of all. Additional thanks are due to Britney Spears and that vagina of hers, and Antonella Barba and, well, that mouth of hers.

Personally, I want to thank Evil T and Spiteful Lars for contributing ridiculously funny stuff here every day. I love you both dearly — without you, this site would probably still mostly be me talking about my cats. I’d still like writing it, but perhaps the audience would be smaller. Thanks also to Film.com for providing me, sans (too much) censoring, an even larger audience for my own special brand of offensive.

Again, I hugely appreciate everyone who visits and everyone who links. You guys always make my day. Unless there’s a Lindsay Lohan crotch shot. Then that makes my day.

xoxo
Beet