Oh. Fuck. Yes.
It’s the “very special” episode of American Idol. Ooh, is it the one where Melinda gets a beer spilled on her at the dance and Uncle Jesse thinks she’s drinking? Or is it the one where someone’s smoking a “roach” in the boys’ locker room and Zack Morris and Blake Lewis learn an important lesson about responsibility? Or maybe even the one where Jordin’s best friend thinks she might be pregnant and has to make a very difficult decision (and then is not pregnant, lest the producers have to make a very difficult decision)? Or is it the one where Ryan Seacrest finally admits to Simon that sometimes he feels a little tingle in his naughty place when they’re standing close?
No, no. It’s Idol! Gives! Back! And to emphasize the seriousness of the occasion, we’re kicking things off with Ryan in the control room. It’s that important. Ryan turns around to watch all the television sets, and, with his back to the camera, narrates, “The calls you make will not only save your favorite contestants,” then turns around to face the camera. “They will also save lives.” Ooooh. Did anyone else feel that? Yeah. It’s a ratings boost.
Jesus, Ryan looks tired. Oh, there’s a two-hour results show. Guess what I’ll be watching tomorrow night? The Internet!
Now we’re going to see a lot of poor people in Africa. It is dirty there and people are orphaned. Ugh, I shouldn’t be so cynical about this. It’s not even sweeps week yet (not for two more days). Maybe they are really trying to help. The musical theme is “songs that inspire.”