Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Ryan Reynolds Is Already Trying to Steal My Job

Ryan Reynolds at the Green Lantern premiere, yesterday, at the Chinese Theatre

See headline.

And no, no, I can’t blame Ryan Reynolds. I should tell you, since we’re only just getting to know one another (hi!), that I looo-oooooove love Ryan Reynolds, because he reminds me of my first serious boyfriend, who was so smug but genuinely adorable. And Ryan Reynolds, that brawny Canadian stallion, has shit-eating, self-aware pseudo-smarm down to an algorithm.

So while I’m floundering around here on my fourth day of work, trying to decide how best to make you kids smirk, Ryan Reynolds is out there penning his own profile — a job ordinarily delegated to overeducated, undernourished journalists — for Entertainment Weekly. The man actually wrote his own cover story.

That jerk nails it, too, right down to the idiomatically conversational first-person plural you can only find in tabloid glossies’ styleguides:

We looked high and low to find just the right writer to pen our cover story on Ryan Reynolds. We needed someone who could match the actor’s sparkling wit, winning charisma, and staggering intelligence, not to mention his deep humility, inspiring humanitarianism, and perfect washboard abs. So we hired Ryan Reynolds. We don’t usually allow actors to write their own profiles, but hey, what can we say. We’re a little obsessed with Ryan Reynolds, too.

The rest of it is great, and he shifts into self-deprecation, but that last sentence of the introductory paragraph! Argh! It’s, just, what a good satire of fawning magazine writing.

I mean, it’s also kind of a dick move — “Look how easy this is! I can do this in my sleep!” — so, whatever, Ryan Reynolds. But also, good on you, you hilarious bastard.

There’s a Pity Party in Steve Urkel’s Pants

Steve Urkel! What are you pointing at??I have a pointed, embarrassing fixation with Jaleel White. A lot of gals-of-a-certain-age might, I think, if only because Family Matters was the first time many-a-preteen tingled at the sight of a guy in too-tight highwater pants. Wait, what? OK, maybe that’s just me. (We’ll call it a neurological misfire.)

Jaleel White is 34 years old now. He’s never had the comeback Doogie had (although maybe Jaleel’s low profile is for the best). Still, he’s spoken before about the challenge of continuing to embody Steve Urkel — a sexually arrested, rodent-voiced geek — even as he entered his teens and his voice deepened.

Um, about that. Jaleel White recently spoke to Vanity Fair, and specifically about Steve Urkel’s crotch:

The fact is that I was maturing. I knew physically I had made certain sacrifices to keep that property alive that just couldn’t be made anymore. I wasn’t changing my hair; I was staying out of the gym. To be honest, I was retarding my own growth as a man in order to maintain the authenticity to what I thought that character should be.

…I was getting network notes on the bulge of my sack! I wore my pants so freaking tight and it was like, after awhile, we got a problem there. So, literally, the last season we loosened up his pants.

I… I’m actually really frustrated right now. I don’t even know what dick joke to make. I didn’t think I could even be this uncomfortable.

It’s like, now I understand why Jaleel White has never successfully staged that career comeback: he’s so synonymous with Urkel, I cannot emotionally distinguish his “sack bulge” from Steve Urkel’s sack bulge. Excuse me while I go die.

But wait! The interview isn’t over yet!

Read More

I Really Hope This Song’s Not About Justin Bieber or I Might Barf

photo of selena gomez performing pregnant pictures photos pics

Whiplash full by mattkjor

But it’s probably not. Britney Spears co-wrote it, so it’s PROBABLY about Frappuccinos or something.

This is Selena Gomez‘s latest leaked single, Whiplash, and the current Queen of Pop (Demi-Princess of Pop? Dethroned Poppet?) Britney Spears herself helped out with everything, as you can probably hear throughout the song. It’s heavily influenced by Britney’s bumping beats and breathy huffing and puffing, and it actually wouldn’t be too bad if it weren’t for the fact that it’s not Britney singing it.

Selena Gomez is a sweet little girl and all, but there’s only one Britney, jeez. Rip someone like Madonna off, why don’t you girl.

What do you guys think?