Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Sad Keanu Pens A Sad Book of Sadness

A photo of Keanu Reeves

Yes, the book is titled Ode to Happiness.  Happiness, you know, that elusive feeling that Keanu Reeves has been searching for for years?  Here’s a brief description of the book:

“I draw a hot sorrow bath. In my despair room,” reads one line.

Each page of the book features a line more somber than the last — printed in large ink blot letters that look as though they’ve been smudged by falling tears. The book ends with a single black hole and the words, “It can always be worse.”

Oh, Keanu, I feel your pain so deeply, for I, too, know the false comfort of a hot sorrow bath, and I, too, know the beauty of a notebook full of emotions and self loathing and words made unrecognizable by tears of anguish.  I know you, Keanu, and I hope you can find some solace in that.

Oh, wait … you’re joking?

“I was in my kitchen hanging out with my friend Janey, and the radio was on,” Reeves said in explaining the inception of his book. “And this station was playing, like, an orgy of depressing, self-pitying, nostalgic music … It was so voluptuously horrible. And I just started to write on this piece of paper, because I had this image of, you know, that moment when you take a bath, you light that candle, and you’re really just kind of depressed. And it was making Janey laugh so hard, I just kept going, piling on the self-pity.”

Well, then I’ll weep for my lost brother in torment during my next hot sorrow bath.  I’ll also eagerly await Keanu’s next book idea to pan out – he calls it Haikus of Hope, and it would be “basically like, ‘I want to kill myself,’ and go from there.” Such an artist, that Keanu.

Actor Doug Hutchison, 51, Weds “Singer” Courtney Stodden, 16

Introducing the Hutchisons!

Wedding bells pealed Friday, May 20 for actor Doug Hutchison and his bride, 16-year-old Courtney Stodden! The couple married in Vegas.

Hutchison, a talented character actor who briefly trained at Julliard, is 51. He played my favorite alien serial killer on X-Files. But you might remember him best from his gut-turning portrayal of creepy sociopathic prison guard Percy Wetmore in The Green Mile.

The new Mrs. Hutchison is a self-described “upcoming recording artist, a model, inspiring actress, dancer, [and] TV show hostess.” Her website adds that she is an “all-American girl.”

The couple released this statement:

We’re aware that our vast age difference is extremely controversial. But we’re very much in love and want to get the message out there that true love can be ageless.

Aww, I think this is great. Every 16-year-old girl dreams of marrying a movie star. Dreams really do come true!

Other advantages to their 35-year age difference:

- Courtney can buy beer and cigarettes if she brings her new husband along. (Kidding! No one cards this girl, guaranteed.)

- She’s 16! Maybe she’ll finally get that used car she’s had her eye on.

- In a few years he’ll pick up the tab for her boobs college tuition!

- Then he’ll actually save money, since Courtney will be able to use her student discount on everything.

- Maybe now we can all stop freaking out about the two-year gap between cradle-robbing Selena Gomez and young, innocent Justin Bieber. Ha, ha, yeah, right!

Well? Did I miss anything? Help a lady out.

I don’t even want to picture a lover’s quarrel between the two, though. What do you think? Will she shout “You’re not my father!” and slam the door to her bedroom?

Afternoon Delight

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Lady Gaga dyes her pubic hair blue. [The Superficial]

Beyonce’s mom causes more drama. [Bossip]

More photos of John Travolta and Kelly Preston’s ADORABLE son Benjamin. [Starpulse]

Of course Heidi Montag and Crystal Harris are BFFs now. [Socialite Life]

First photos of Sean Kingston post-Memorial Day accident. [TMZ]

Hef’s Viagra is making him go deaf. [The Frisky]

LeAnn Rimes has a really “wicked, sick” sense of humor. [Cele|bitchy]

A shirtless David Gandy. Need I say more? [Socialite Life]

Miley’s definitely having sex these days. [I'm Not Obsessed]

Um, so apparently Megan Fox was fired from Transformers for a totally different reason. [Huff Po]

Oasis’s Noel got married. [Bitten and Bound]

Ryan Dunn’s last tweet with accompanying drinking photo. [Rumor Fix]

Bristol Palin reveals the dirty secrets of losing her virginity. [OMGBlog]

Tobey Maguire does … Prada? [Popbytes]