Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Joe Francis Pleads Guilty to Being a Total Fucking Jackass

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Or contempt of court. Whatever.

Crybaby Joey had to wipe away tears and blow his sniffly little nose yesterday as he pleaded guilty to contempt of court. “I am sorry for my behavior. It was wrong. I had heard about appeals and things and I was confused. I am sorry, I really am,” he said. Poor little Joe was sentenced to 35 days in jail for the crime, which should be extra stressful for him, as they took away all his Lorazepam and sleeping pills. And I can only imagine how hard it is for a total pussy like Joe Francis to have to actually deal with all the fear and insecurity he typically channels into the objectification and mistreatment of women, because he’s not man enough to face the big scary world without making other people feel small. It’s okay, Joe. I hear that’s a pretty standard M.O. for guys with tiny penises.

But it is so not over for Francis. He’s still got to deal with six counts of possessing a controlled substance, introducing contraband into a jail cell and trying to bribe a public official and a federal tax evasion charge. And a partridge in a pear tree. And probably anal rape in prison. I’m so excited. I hope the other inmates have already come up with some sort of “Girls Gone Wild”-themed tactic for kicking his ass. Even something as simple as “Hey, bitch, come over here and I’m gonna go wild on your ass” would be fine with me. Or maybe if they scream “Show us your tits!” at him in the shower. That would be awesome too. Could someone get a camera crew in there? Fox, maybe?

Heather Mills Defends Alec Baldwin

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If anyone knows what it feels like to have an entire country gang up on you, it’s Heather Mills. So perhaps it’s no surprise that she came to Alec Baldwin’s defense on Ryan Seacrest’s radio show this morning. Seacrest asked the Dancing with the Stars contestant what her thoughts were on Baldwin’s most regrettable voicemail ever. “It is wrong to speak to your daughter like that,” she said, “but I am not someone to go, ‘Ooh, that is terrible, and we are all perfect, it’s all wonderful.’”

“I would never speak to my daughter like that, but what you have got to remember is that his daughter lives with Kim [Basinger, Baldwin's ex-wife], and we have no idea what goes [on] behind closed doors,” she continued. “I respect Kim, I respect Alec for his incredible Animal Rights Campaign, and we have no idea what’s going on … You know when you love somebody and it is your only child, people lose it. Forgive him. Don’t throw stones at glass houses. We are not here to judge and criticize what other people do unless you are a saint. And none of us are a saint.”

Basinger was photographed this weekend out in L.A. with daughter/rude, thoughtless little pig Ireland, and a bodyguard who may or may not be Philip Banks. Pics after the jump.

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Rehab Does a Body Good

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Wow Brit…nice abs! Look what she has been hiding from us under all of those questionable outfits. This picutre makes me believe that she might have gotten some help but really without the booze perhaps she is on her way to a comeback?

Late-Night Links

If at first you don’t succeed, Jason Wahler, try, try again. [Celebslam]

Anna Nicole’s last film will premiere at Cannes. [Cele|bitchy]

Check out the new single from Eve. [popbytes]

Sheryl Crow recommends we save the environment at the expense of our personal hygiene. [Agent Bedhead]

When even characters on The Sopranos wonder what happened to your career, I think you deserve to play the child abuse card, Chevy Chase. [Celebrity Smack]

Take that, MySpace. [IBBB]

Suri Cruise and Brooke Shields’ daughter are totally BFF. Maybe one day little Grier will help Suri find her biological mother. [POTP]

Can’t Val Kilmer go to the bathroom at a gas station like the rest of us? [The Blemish]

Lindsay Lohan gets all bikini’d up for Allure. [Jordan]

Shanna Moakler explains why it made perfectly good sense for a 32-year-old mother to behave like a character in Mean Girls. [GTS]

Madonna leaves Malawi without meeting with David Banda’s biological father. [Holy Candy]

David Hauslaib is mustering up every ounce of white, gay strength he has to give Bossip a run for their black-gossip money. Don’t worry, guys, we’re still Team Bossip. Wanna make shirts? [Stereohyped]

Best. Headline. Ever

Reggie Bush Getting in Kim Kardashian’s Bush

It is a slow gossip day. The folks at Bossip have made me laugh. Kim Kardashian is evidently dating Reggie Bush. By “dating” we mean that they left a party together. I still love the headline.