Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Britney’s Got A(nother) New Man

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If I were Britney Spears, by now I’d keep a pile of Non-Disclosure Agreements in my bedside drawer, right next to the condoms. (Condoms? Who am I kidding?) Real-estate investor-slash-drug-counselor John Sundahl, 38, is the latest in a seemingly inexhaustible list of men who are happy to gab to the press about how much fun it is to fuck Britney. Sundahl stands out from the crowd, though, by being the first one to drag bowel surgery into this mess.

“When I was in the hospital [for bowel surgery]” he says, “she sat with me and held my hand all night long. She even sang and hummed to me while I was practically unconscious … I love being around her. She’s a sweet, caring girl and a good mom.”

Continues Sundahl, “When she visited me in the hospital, she even offered to take custody of all the painkillers they were giving me, because she knows I struggle with substance abuse, and she didn’t want me to be surrounded by temptation. She came every day, bright and early, to take those demons off my hands. And all that she asked in return is that I never speak the word ‘bowel’ in her presence.”

Spears and Sundahl reportedly met after she left Promises and sought him out as a drug counselor. You know, for the addiction problem she doesn’t have.

Okay, So, After Eva Longoria and Tony Parker Get Married Tomorrow, Can We Stop Talking About Them Forever?

Eva Longoria and Tony Parker Are Boring

I mean, I guess Tony plays some manner of sport, and maybe he’s still relevant in that context — I wouldn’t know — so if you sports people still want to talk about him, I guess that’s okay with me, but can we just never hear about Eva Longoria again, please? How this woman continues to be relevant baffles me. Desperate Housewives hasn’t been good since what feels like some point during the Reagan administration, her film career never even started (she has one movie coming out in 2007, and its plot is described on IMDB as “a ghost tries to sabotage her former boyfriend’s current relationship with a psychic,” and, if I’m not mistaken, her role in 2008′s Food Fight involves her voicing some manner of anthropomorphic grocery product), and, frankly, I don’t even think she’s that hot. I just don’t understand why we still care about her. There’s still a war on in Iraq. Britain has a new prime minister. We’ve got an election coming up here in the U.S. And, for chrissake, Nicole Richie is pregnant. Don’t we have more important things to talk about than Eva Longoria?

Eva and Tony were legally married in a French civil ceremony today, although the formal ceremony and reception are taking place tomorrow. And after that, please, guys, no more Tony and Eva, okay?

Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo Don’t Like Me Very Much Today :(

Nick Lachey Vanessa Minnillo Do It Doggy Style in a Hot Tub

I’ve attached here, for your perusal, the three-page cease and desist I got from Nick and Vanessa’s legal eagles this evening. They are very unhappy that I posted these pictures, as I, too, would probably be unhappy if someone took pictures of me making an “O” face.

Here’s my favorite part: there’s a line in there that says that the “Illegal Photos are copyright protected, to which my clients, by virtue of written assignment and transfer, have obtained the exclusive copyright and all right and title interest thereto.” Now, correct me if I’m wrong, my law-inclined readers, but what that says to me is that Nick and Vanessa actually bought the rights to the photos of them having sex in a hot tub. My God, how I wish I’d been present for those negotiations!

Anyway, sorry, guys, but the photos are coming down. As much as I’d love to star in a court battle with Nick and Vanessa, I’m not going to pull a Perez. Plus, as the lawyers pointed out, I “act at my own peril.” That’s not news to me, guys. I pretty much realize that upon waking up each day. But I feel awful about this; I know you guys count on me to deliver your celeb porn, and I totally failed. So, to make it up to you, I created my very own re-enactment of that fateful day, in Photoshop, to share with you. Enjoy!

Nick Lachey Vanessa Minnillo Cease and Desist Regarding Hot Tub Sex Pictures, Page 1 Nick Lachey Vanessa Minnillo Cease and Desist Regarding Hot Tub Sex Pictures, Page 2 Nick Lachey Vanessa Minnillo Cease and Desist Regarding Hot Tub Sex Pictures, Page 3

Links Links Links

Sounds like Paris Hilton was sluttin’ it up in Hawaii. Changed indeed. [POTP]

Jenny McCarthy and Jim Carrey hit the beach. [Drunken Stepfather]

Hells yeah! Matt Damon and Ben Affleck are working on their first screenplay together since Good Will Hunting. [Cele|bitchy]

Janet Jackson went and got fat again. [The Blemish]

This is a pretty cool mash-up of Rihanna’s “Umbrella” with 80′s hits. [popbytes]

Diddy’s baby mama ditches his ass. [Bossip]

J. Lo is still trying to get people to stop calling her J. Lo. She’s been at it for like five years now. Not gonna happen, baby. [IBBB]

Alessandra Ambrosia and a bikini. You’re welcome. [Celebslam]

Next Big Thing?

Emma Watson

Here is Miss Emma Watson on the red carpet for “Harry Potter: Order of the Phoenix.” I have to say that she really has matured into a lovely young woman. Thankfully they didn’t sex her up too much and opted to give her some light makeup and a cute little dress. They really lucked out that their female lead who they picked when she was a child turned into a bit of a hottie.

I really think the same people that cast this movie helped Angelina Jolie pick her children. How do they know how kids are going to age…seriously I had some friends who were cute as kids turn out to be fugly teenagers.

She is a hot commodity and understandably the bosses at Harry Potter were a bit worried when she threatened to not do the seventh film. She evidently was lured back with two million pounds and I’m guessing that Miss Watson will be doing many more movies in the future.

Fashion Vicitm of the Week

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I love it when gorgeous models seem to look bad on purpose. This lovely lady Lily Cole is a model in England. Here she is attending the Arena X party in London. She decided, since he has a hot bod to wear some sort of shortie outfit with weird pageboy shoes then wrap a lace curtain around her.

I know she was going for something that mixed sex and lace but it really looks like she forgot her pants and found something in her grandma’s house to wrap around her to go to the party.

Gotta give props to Lily though. She has a hot body and is thin without being totally emaciated and has some natural curves. Even though she is fashion challenged this week we still love her here at the Beet.