Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Geri Halliwell Is Slowly Morphing into A Mermaid

A photo of Geri Halliwell

I know what you’re thinking: “oh, another gallery of Geri Halliwell in a bikini, I get to see some nipples today!” Well, perv, there will be no Ginger Spice nipple action happening on this day, but you get something even better. You get a far-fetched theory involving magic and sea creatures. And really, which one sounds better?

Ok, see, some people might think that since there’s photo after photo of Geri Halliwell playing in the water and rocking bikinis, she must be on vacation. But I say “nay,” for I believe that there are mystical forces in this world that Geri has tapped into, and that she’s using that power to achieve her dream of living out the rest of her days under the sea. The lovely red hair, the steady decrease in relevance – add it all up and it’s clear. We have but a few more precious moments to observe Geri in our world before she descends into the ocean to be where she belongs.

Or, you know, have some pictures of Geri Halliwell looking hot in some swimwear. Whichever.

Andrew Keegan Will Listen to His Music As Loud As He Wants

A photo of Andrew Keegan

Andrew Keegan – you guys know Andrew Keegan.  He was the guy in 10 Things I Hate About You who wasn’t Heath Ledger or Joseph Gordon-Levitt. He was also on 7th Heaven, and one of my favorite ridiculous movies, A Midsummer Night’s Rave.  I also could have absolutely sworn that he was in the first episode of Buffy, but it turns out that that’s Eric Balfour, who, in my defense, does look a bit similar. So we’re all caught up on Andrew Keegan then? Good, because if you’re not, then he’s tough enough to make you sorry.

See, this weekend, Andrew had a little party at his house, and everybody was jammin’ pretty good, you know, having a good ol’ time. That is, until some total square called the cops because the music was a little too loud. Andrew wasn’t about to stop his groove, and you know what that means – taser!

This is where things get a little shady in the story.  Witnesses said that Andrew got “very aggressive,” which earned him a healthy little dose of electricity, but police are saying that nobody got arrested and definitely nobody got tasered.

I think this sounds like a little bit of a cover up, but why cover up roughing up some douchebag who hasn’t been relevant for the past decade, you know?  Don’t get me wrong, if there was some excessive violence, that’s certainly not right, but like, this is Andrew Keegan. Don’t make a big deal, and there won’t be a big deal.

Ke$ha Loves America, What About You?!

A photo of Ke$ha

If I can think of a single image that our forefathers would be proud to see as a representation of all their hard work, it would be this photo of Ke$ha in torn fishnets, a ripped American flag shirt, and a look of patriotism on her face the likes of which I’ve never seen before. I just know that on this very day, 235 years ago, when Thomas Jefferson was gazing proudly upon the Declaration of Independence, he also had just a sliver of pride in his heart for the future of this great land.

I bet that our girl Ke$ha is celebrating this fine Independence Day out in the sun with her BFF, Jack Daniels with a good old-fashioned money shot to close out the day, so, as I’m sure Thomas Jefferson would have wanted, I wish the very same to you!