Today's Evil Beet Gossip

That’s Just My Baby Daddy…

Eddie Murphy Fails Paternity Test

LOS ANGELES (AP) — Eddie Murphy acknowledged he is the father of Melanie Brown’s young daughter, a day after the former Spice Girl took legal action to establish him as a parent. Murphy, 46, “always has and will continue to honor his responsibilities as a father,” according to a statement released Friday through his publicist, Arnold Robinson.

Well, he “acknowledged” it right after the paternity test came back positive which is a bit like me “acknowledging” I just ate a meal once the bill arrives at my table. Not the most courageous of acts there…

And just to translate Hollyhood speak for you: “always has and will continue to honor his responsibilities” means “will fight like hell to establish that he’s not the father and then once the court system starts bearing down on him he’ll make a statement so as not to look like a total knobjob.” Whew, translating is tough!

“Mr. Murphy and Ms. Brown dated very briefly and never made any plans of ANY sort,” the statement said.

Well, at the very least they made plans to have some sex. They might have been very short term plans, or plans that didn’t have a lot of forethought, but a plan was made nonetheless. Conversely Scary Spice Mel B says:

She said she and Murphy dated for four months in 2006 before mutually deciding to have a child.She said she and Murphy dated for four months in 2006 before mutually deciding to have a child.

So someone is lying. But if it went down like Mel says than the conversation was like this:

Scary: Hey, we’ve been dating four months now…. so…
Eddie: Hmmm? What’s that? I have to go do the donkey voice for Shrek in a few minutes, so let’s make this snappy.
Scary: What I’m saying here is I think we should have a child. Mutually.
Eddie: Okay, sounds good.

The truth, like all great truths in life, is probably somewhere in between. Maybe he agreed to have a kid right before doing it which we all know doesn’t count.

Angel Iris Murphy Brown was born April 3.

No one but me will remember this, but wasn’t there some big stink about the show “Murphy Brown” back in the day? Where she was a single mom and the VP Danny Quayle came out and said she was not a role model and was in fact a big whore? I swear I remember that… so the irony of your kid having that Murphy Brown moniker is not lost on me. Nor should it be on you.

Happy Saturday people!

Ladies and Gentlemen, Breaking News!!

You have to love… they’ve caught someone in the act of getting groceries. Check out this screengrab:


Also, I have the scoop, it was at Whole Foods. She was in the act, at Whole Foods, buying food, to EAT!!

I sure hope I never get caught in the act of getting groceries… or even worse, getting an oil change. That would be just dreadful.

I Would Also Prefer County Jail Please

Nicole Richie Wants Her Some County Jail

LOS ANGELES (AP) — Nicole Richie wants to do her time in the Los Angeles County jail. Richie’s lawyer contacted the county Sheriff’s Department earlier this week and indicated the reality TV star wanted to serve her four-day sentence in county lockup rather than a city jail, sheriff’s spokesman Steve Whitmore said Thursday.

See, this is planning. You’ve got to own your surroundings people. County jail = good, city jail = bad. It’s the same thing with mice actually.

The only odd thing is:

Richie was ordered to spend 90 hours, either in county jail or at any city jail in the county that would accept her.

It’s only 90 hours, three and a half days, how bad could city jail be? Also, given the language of that order I would just build my own jail and have it accept me. My jail would have a dolphin tank if that helps you get the vibe of what my jail would be all about.

I Already Miss Sporty Spice

Bad news guys. Remember that absolutely horrible little group called the Spice Girls that you invariably liked for about 6 months back in 1996? Well, they won’t be looking like a few hot chicks commingling with some ugglies anymore. Nope, they are going Versace! From The

Sporty can ditch her dodgy tracksuits – because Donatella Versace will be designing the Spice Girls’ outfits for their comeback tour. We can exclusively reveal that the flamboyant Italian is creating an array of show-stopping outfits for their reunion gigs.

What?? The whole fun of the thing was that they looked like goons. Baby was a baby! Sporty could race you. Spicy could give you pepper. Wait, was there a Spicy Spice? Hmmm.. probably not. Anyhow, if you read the article you’ll also get some fun news about a pregnant woman working out really hard so she’ll be able to rock her Versace the right way. Also, please enjoy the following fun video that features genius Maya Rudolph impersonating Donatella.

A Note from Management

Hello my loves!

Well, I know we have had quite a week, with all the drama with the layout changes, new advertisers, etc. I hope everyone can view the layout properly now. If the site still looks weird to you, do Ctrl-F5 on a PC, or Apple-R on a Mac. This should fix the problem. Thank you guys so much for hanging in there while we got all of that fixed, and for providing feedback. The poll is still pretty much all tied up, so I’ll be looking at it and making some executive decisions early next week.

In personal news, I am moving from beautiful, sunny Los Angeles to beautiful, sunny, sticky New York City today, which is very exciting but also enormously stressful. I won’t be around much the next few days, but you’ll have Evil T and Spiteful Lars around to keep you company, and I’ve invited a few other friends to join the mix, so we’ll just see how that goes. Make sure to heckle them lots, as they’re plenty nervous to begin with and should be easy targets. If all goes well, I’ll be back to spew my nonsense on Monday.


The Guy May Hate His Daughter… but He Loves Sea Cows!!

Alec Baldwin wants to save you, provided you’re a manatee.

Honestly this is a huge cheapshot… but what the hell, I haven’t written for the Beet in weeks and I know everyone misses my particular brand of spite. How do I know? Letters… telegrams.. and that one airplane skywriting message that truly went above and beyond.

ENGLEWOOD, Fla. (AP) — Alec Baldwin wants Floridians to be more aware of the plight of manatees. The actor and producer has recorded two 30-second public service announcements for the Save the Manatee Club. The animals are on the federal endangered species list and at risk of being seriously injured or killed by boat strikes.

I really don’t have a joke other than to say that Manatees have done their level best, via evolution, to go extinct. They swim around two miles per hour, on the surface of the water, and they weigh a jillion pounds each. So motor boats pick them off like deer on a highway. Also, they are also called “sea cows” – I think, so this is totally not a jab at the Manatee by this guy. If it were up to me I’d ban motor boats and the beer guzzling yahoos that pilot them.

It’s actually all kind of sad, and I imagine if the manatee were cuter it would get starlets excited about saving it. As it stands it only gets a gravelly voice guy who occasionally loses his temper on the phone.

T-Shirt Chic

Mary-Kate Olsen at Weeds Premiere Red Carpet, Pictures and Photos

Lord only knows what Mary-Kate Olsen is wearing to the premiere screening of Weeds. I actually like the T-shirt a lot, I just don’t think it’s appropriate at a red carpet event, and those pants aren’t appropriate anywhere ever. And the cross is just gaudy, MK. Would you dress like that for church? But her hair and make-up are great, and the head shots are stunning.

Mary-Kate Olsen at Weeds Premiere Red Carpet, Pictures and Photos Mary-Kate Olsen at Weeds Premiere Red Carpet, Pictures and Photos Mary-Kate Olsen at Weeds Premiere Red Carpet, Pictures and Photos