Today's Evil Beet Gossip

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Um, top 10 celebrity boobs, brought to you by a couple of gay dudes. And, predictably, they are perfect. [LA Rag Mag]

Kevin Federline’s dating a DJ, so I guess he found someone whose voice is heard on the radio more often than Britney’s these days. [Allie]

Hey! Guess what? Kim Kardashian’s ass? Still huge. [Holy Candy]

A photog gets his ass kicked outside the ESPY awards. That’s what you get for fucking with Rumer Willis, people. [Celebrity Smack]

Sobriety is certainly not going stop Courtney Love from trashing a hotel room. Just like it hasn’t stopped Britney Spears from drinking alcohol. [SOW]

It’s that time of month again, kids: rumors of Paula Abdul getting the boot at AI have hit the web. [Agent Bedhead]

Dude, if Miss New Jersey loses her crown over these retarded pictures, I will officially lose all respect for beauty pageants … oh, wait. [GTS]

Greatest. Ad Campaign. Ever. I’m thinking Hillary Clinton should hire these guys pronto. [Flisted]

Ivanka Trump’s all like, “I’m way too good for The View. I mean, do you people even know how smart I am?” [Cele|bitchy]

Um, Did Anyone Else Notice That TMZ Called Queen Latifah a Carpet-Muncher?

Queen Latifah is Totally a Lesbian

I just had to point this out to anyone who missed it, because I laughed for like an hour over this.

TMZ’s a division of AOL/Time Warner, which has, you know, assets and stuff, so they can’t exactly go around calling people big ole dykes, but they want you to know they know exactly what Queen Latifah’s doing with her free time.

Her heinieness was seen power-walking in faaaaaaaabulous West Hollywood yesterday, with her perky lil’ trainer/galpal.

Her majesty ate up the red carpet yesterday at the preem of “Hairspray” yesterday.

Genius!

Paris Hilton is Advocating for the Disenfranchised American Underclass so as to Reduce Jail Recidivism Out Drinking

Paris Hilton Gets Home at 5 am, Out Drinking After Jail, Pictures and Photos

Our paparazzi pals over at Buzz Foto send over these shots of Paris decabbing at her Hollywood Hills home, which they took at five o’clock this morning. Paris looks less than sober, but, hey, at least she wasn’t driving.

It would be nice if she could just pretend to make good on any of those promises she made about, you know, giving back to society in any substantive way whatsoever. Just go through the motions, Par. Just for a month. Is that really so much to ask?

paris_cab2.jpg Paris Hilton in a Cab Getting Home at 5 o’clock in the morning Paris Hilton in a Taxi Getting Home at 5 o’clock in the morning

The Only Thing Fake About Jessica Simpson is her Celebrity

Does Jessica Simpson Have Fake Boobs?

I am notoriously horrible at picking out fake breasts. I can tell in the case of someone like Kendra, because those monsters defy all the laws of physics, but in the case of Jessica Simpson… I don’t know. Are they real? Are they fake? I’d guess real, the photo here is older, but it’s the most boobalicious shot I could find.

Simpson tells fashion designer pal Michael Kors, who writes about her in the August issue of Harper’s Bazaar, on newsstands July 24… “my boobs are real.”

Ok, fair enough. That’s not really the fun part though… here’s the fun part.

As for whether she prefers singing or acting, Simpson says, “In my music career, there have been moments of failure, and with acting, I haven’t had that yet. But music is opening up my heart and every emotion inside of me.”

Um… What?? She hasn’t had acting failures? Who amongst us has seen Employee of the Month? Who thought, regarding The Dukes of Hazzard, “Wow, this is something special.” The answers are: No one. And no one. She truly hasn’t had anything even resembling success yet in her acting career. If we defined success as “the planet Mars” the you’d have to say her career so far has been “shitty.” Hmm, that may be a poor analogy. But you get the idea – which is basically “does not compute.”

Perhaps she’s crazy. Or maybe her Ex hitting it from the back with that Vanessa chick in a hot tub got to her. Whatever the case I hope that interviewer did a 70′s style spit take when she said that.

Also, her sister got an entirely new face.

PS- If you missed me during my sabbatical I apologize. I went out into the celebrity forest and found out what was truly important to me: and that was being a real class A jerk-off.

Honestly, People, How Many Britney-Has-a-New-Man Stories Do I Have to Write Each Month?

Britney Spears is Dating Her Bodyguard Damon

I wrote one less than a week ago. About Britney’s one and only true love, her drug counselor, John Sundahl, who credits Britney’s love with keeping him alive through his recent bowel surgery. And if that kind of love can’t last, I don’t know what hope this new guy has.

For anyone who’s keeping tabs, it’s her bodyguard. His name’s Damon, and apparently he’s been playing daddy to her boys and taking her to plays and going with her to church and blah blah blah gag me. If you must know:

On Sunday, he attended church services with the singer and her two sons. Damon carried Sean, 22 months, into the church (while Mom held a sleeping Jayden, 10 months) and then comforted the toddler when he started crying.

The prayer session capped off a week of wining and dining for the pair, including a July 4 candlelit dinner at the Four Seasons’ Windows Lounge in L.A., after which, he slept over at her Beverly Hills pad.

On July 5, the pair hit a showing of the musical Wicked (they left after 45 minutes) and, later that evening, drinks at L.A.’s Chateau Marmont hotel, where Spears, 25, giggled and kissed her guy as he affectionately touched her face.

What’s funny to me is that the picture Us Weekly’s running with this story is of Britney and the guy everyone was referring to as John Sundahl last week. I mean, he’s wearing the same damn outfit “John Sundahl” wore in all the pics everyone ran of “Britney’s new man” last week. So I don’t know if everyone was wrong last week, or everyone’s wrong this week, but this guy cannot be both John Sundahl, drug counselor with benefits, and Damon, Mr. Bodyguard extraordinaire.

The Beckhams Invade America!

Posh and Becks W Magazine August Cover

It’s starting, you guys! Beckham-mania is prepared to conquer the final frontier: the United States of America.

Posh & Becks are on the cover of W magazine this August, and the interview promises to be very revealing (almost as revealing as the pictures).

Victoria finally addresses those pesky rumors that she’s actually a robot: “I think people are really going to see me for the first time. I think they have this impression that I’m this miserable cow who doesn’t smile. But I’m actually quite the opposite. When you’re out there, they’re trying to get pictures up your shirt, down your top. With all the flashes, it’s as much as you can do to just find your car. I’m going to try and smile more for America.” She also notes that “we’re not out to be the most famous people in America. We’re not looking at the move as boosting the brand. We’re us and we’ve got our kids. We’re not aware of a lot of the madness going on around us. We kind of keep to ourselves, really.”

David discusses his relationship with Tom and Katie Cruise, claiming that “Tom has never even talked to us about [Scientology], much less tried to push it on us” and talks about the impact he’ll have on soccer in the U.S.: “I do believe I can take it to another level. I wouldn’t have taken up the challenge if I didn’t believe I could have that effect.”

He also talks about his relationship with Victoria, saying that the first time he met her, he “turned around to Gary (his teammate) and said, ‘That one there, that’s the girl I’m going to marry.’ I trust my wife 110 percent. When people say, ‘Victoria wears the trousers,’ I’m happy.”

David Beckham and Victoria pictures in bed in W Magazine David Beckham and Victoria photos in bed naked in W Magazine David Beckham and Victoria pictures in bed nude in W Magazine David Beckham naked back pictures in bed in W Magazine David Beckham nude shirtless in W Magazine