Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Oh, Yes, We Noticed You Checked into Rehab, Richie Sambora

Richie Sambora Checks Into Rehab

Today has been a strange day. Paris Hilton was dismissed from prison and then got a callback, sending me up and down on an emotional roller coaster I can’t even begin to justify. I vacuumed; I think I’m coming down with a fever for the first time in over a year (right before finals week, at that); and I inexplicably find myself listening to Jennifer Love Hewitt’s BareNaked and liking it. And people say bloggers are losers …

But nothing — nothing – is going to distract me to the point that I would miss out on publicizing the fact that Richie Sambora slipped quietly into rehab on Wednesday. Sambora, who recently split from Denise Richards after acquiring her in the very most slimeball of manners, was fucking wasted at his MTV Unplugged taping on Tuesday, to the point that they actually had to turn off his mic and re-record the songs without him. I guess that was the wake-up call he needed, so he checked into an undisclosed LA treatment facility yesterday. And by now, we all know full well that means he’s at Promises. Who else is rooting for a Lohan-Sambora hook-up??

Also, just to clarify, it turns out I only like the first two songs on BareNaked.

Can We Just Talk About How Much Bullshit It Is That Jaslene Has to Share Her Seventeen Cover with Jessica Alba?

Jaslene Gonzalez Has to Share Seventeen Cover with Jessica Alba

Yes, I think we can.

Because it is bullshit, people.

Listen up, Seventeen, I don’t know who’s heading up your Atoosa-less ship these days, but if you’re gonna get all that publicity off of ANTM, you sure as hell better be ready to step up and give its winner her own cover. Especially when it’s my beloved Jaslene Gonzalez.

Seventeen did two covers for their July issue — a “bonus,” as they claim — but the one they’re promoting is the one with Jessica Alba on it. Don’t get me wrong, I like Jessica Alba just fine, but I think that if Jaslene was promised the cover of Seventeen magazine, she should get that cover, and not one-half of it (and one-tenth the promotion) just because someone at Hearst is taking heat for newsstand numbers.

Anyway, Jessica Alba’s been traipsing around NYC promoting her new Fantastic Four film and her cover, so where are the pics of my Jaslene??? You can check out some of the shots from her Seventeen cover shoot here.

Jessica Alba Signs Seventeen Magazine Cover Jessica Alba Signs Seventeen Magazine Cover in New York

Links Links Links

No Doubt is headed into the studio next month to record their first album in six years and to give this planet a much-needed injection of Gwen Stefani’s unique brand of lyrical genius. [Bree]

It turns out celebrities get divorced a lot. [popbytes]

Hugh Hefner totally agrees that Kendra Wilkinson’s an idiot. But, lucky for her, she’s a very, very hot idiot. [Holy Candy]

Cindy Crawford has a daughter? [Daily Stab]

Eva Longoria enjoys making Tony Parker jealous. [Celebslam]

The latest rumor is that Britney Spears is dating her drug counselor. [Cele|bitchy]

Cisco Adler’s balls make their triumphant return to the spotlight. [CityRag]

Jesus over at DrunkenStepfather reminds the paparazzi who creates their market these days. [Drunken Stepfather]

Nicole Richie doesn’t particularly want to go to jail. Also, we’re just going to keep saying she’s pregnant until we see the goddamn abortion footage. [The Bosh]

Aww … Bob Barker says goodbye to The Price is Right. Man, I will never be able to think about Bob Barker without thinking about Adam Sandler screaming that “the price is wrong, bitch!” [POTP]

ABC is advertising Kyle XY via skywriting. I’d say that someone probably out to re-evaluate their marketing goals, but, hey, I’m writing about it, aren’t I? [Defamer]

I ::Heart:: Rocky Delgadillo

The LA City Attorney released this statement today:

“Today I was extremely troubled to learn that the Sheriff’s Department has decided to release Ms. Hilton from custody just three days after she was admitted to county jail.

My office was not advised of this action. We learned of it this morning through news reports, just like everyone else. Had we been provided with the proper notification, we would have opposed the decision on legal grounds.

News reports indicate that the Sheriff’s Department released Ms. Hilton to house arrest due to a medical condition. This explanation is puzzling. Los Angeles county jail medical facilities are well-equipped to deal with medical situations involving inmates
.

I am also concerned that the judicial process may have been improperly circumvented in this case. Ms. Hilton was incarcerated as a condition of her probation. As a result, the judge retained jurisdiction over her case and only the judge has the power to modify these conditions of probation. If Ms. Hilton’s medical condition truly warranted a change in her circumstances, what should have happened is the following: Ms. Hilton’s legal counsel should have filed an emergency application with the court and provided my office with the opportunity to respond, and then the court could have held a hearing on the matter to consider whether there was sufficient justification to change the terms of his original order. I have directed my criminal branch to immediately explore all possible legal options to ensure that the law is being applied equally and justly in this case.

If law enforcement officials are to enjoy the respect of those we are charged with protecting, we cannot tolerate a two-tiered jail system where the rich and powerful receive special treatment. We must ensure that in our city, in our nation, and under our Constitution, justice remains blind.

Delgadillo, the highest-ranking Latino to hold a city-wide office in 100 years, grew up on LA’s east side (which is basically what you get if you take everything about Beverly Hills and invert it), and attending public schools in LA before earning a full scholarship to Harvard University. I’m sure he’s had plenty of time to think about why the Paris Hiltons of the world ought to serve out their full jail sentences. I’m also sure he has his eye set on a bigger prize than the LA City Attorney’s office, and he sees this as a good way to raise his profile and garner support — I’m totally okay with that — and I truly can’t think of a more glorious pawn in this scheme than one Paris Whitney Hilton.

Details on the Petition to Have Paris Sent Back to Jail

You can read the full petition from the LA City Attorney’s office here.

Here are the key points:

1) Paris is earning credit against her 45 days every day she is under electronic surveillance at home. So we’ll never get those Paris-in-jail days back. The petition urges again and again that time is of the essence here, which is probably how they got a 9 a.m. court date for tomorrow.

2) The LA City Attorney’s office was not notified about Hilton’s early release, and they are fucking pissed about that.

3) The sentencing initially given by the court, both orally and in writing, stated that Paris should not have the option of being under house arrest for any of her time.

4) The LA City Attorney says that the Sheriff’s Department should be held in contempt of court for releasing Hilton early and violating the judge’s orders.

HELLS YEAH.

PUT THE FUCKING SHERIFF IN JAIL TOO.

OH FUCK YES: PARIS MIGHT GO BACK TO JAIL!!!

Paris Might Go Back to Jail

I’ve been sad today — a little bit angry, really — and I didn’t really understand why until I heard that Paris Hilton might actually have to go back to jail, and suddenly I felt a lot better.

Paris will have to appear in court at 9 a.m. tomorrow, after Judge Michael Sauer, who initially sentenced her to jail, ordered her to. The city attorney Rocky Delgadillo filed a petition late Thursday afternoon questioning if Sheriff Lee Baca should be held in contempt of court for releasing her early Thursday morning.

Can we please give Michael Sauer and Rocky Delgadillo a fucking reality TV show? Can we start having them walk the red carpet? Can we start running photographs of them? Because they’re the people we should be looking up to, not Paris Hilton’s trashy, racist, self-obsessed ass.

As I vented in my Film.com column earlier today, this is perhaps the most blatant case of pocketbook justice I can recall. Paris being unhappy in jail is not a reason to let her out! NO ONE IS HAPPY IN JAIL. JAIL IS NOT A HAPPY PLACE. THAT IS WHY IT IS A PUNISHMENT. Regular people without fancy lawyers have to stay in jail, even when they don’t like it there, when they break the law. It is total bullshit that Paris could be let out after only three days.

Honestly, I tend to stay pretty emotionally distanced from celebrity goings-on, and, most days, I don’t give a shit about Paris Hilton one way or another, but this seems a gross abuse of the justice system in this country, and it really has me pissed off. I hope the little bitch has to go back.

Random Thursday Music

Hello friends. It’s been quite a bit since I’ve thrown some music your way, so here goes nothing. This is a lot more folksy than we usually feature.. but it’s one my favorite artists, Todd Snider. And it’s pretty mean spirited too, befitting of my moniker. So have a heart, eh?

If it helps at all I’ve seen Todd in concert and I’m fairly sure he’s insane.

One last thing, to be in on the joke note the name of the song.. it’s not just a tribute.