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4I Told You So

Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz will be getting married this weekend at a top-secret location near LA, just like I told you last week.

We can probably expect the pregnancy announcement soon after.

Congrats, you crazy kids.

May 12, 2008 at 5:07 pm by Evil Beet
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22World Premiere!

The Sex and the City gals all showed up to the world premiere of their film in London. Why it wasn’t in New York is a complete and total mystery to me.

That thing on Sarah Jessica’s head?

Is ridiculous.

I have this overpowering urge to get a gun and start firing at it.

May 12, 2008 at 1:35 pm by Evil Beet
Filed Under: Uncategorized

22This Is Attractive

Meet Sheyla Hershey.

She’s the Guiness Book of World Records holder for the world’s largest breast implants.

She’s currently a size FFF.

Here she is, walking to the office of Dr. Robert Rey (aka Dr. 90210), who she hopes will agree to increase them further.

This woman needs to see a shrink, not a plastic surgeon. And you’d think that, with all the money she’s spending on plastic surgery, she could throw down some cash for a dress that doesn’t look like it came from the sale rack at Forever 21.

This is just a stupid ratings ploy for Dr. Rey.

May 12, 2008 at 1:29 pm by Evil Beet
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19Lauren Conrad to the Rescue!

As annoying as LC is sometimes on The Hills, I kind of wish I always had a little Lauren Conrad in my pocket to dole out sensible advice. Like, I went on this blind date on Saturday night. And the guy’s a total creepball. I mean, he’s just so obviously lying about everything. He says he’s some big M&A guy for some private equity firm — although he also mentioned, at one point, that he ran a hedge fund — and he tells me he’s in Seattle working to close the Microsoft/Yahoo merger. And I’m like, “Oh, didn’t you get the memo that that merger fell through last week? It was, like, all over the news …” and he was like “It’s still going on, just under the radar. I probably shouldn’t even be telling you this,” and I’m like, “It’s okay, because I don’t believe you.” And he won’t let me see his car. And he has a $50 cell phone. And I tell him like eighteen times that I’m from Arizona and he keeps asking me where I’m from. And I mention like four times that I walked to the bar we met at, because it was like a mile from my house, and he keeps saying shit like “So where’d you park?” Unbelievable. And then he tells the waitress that I’m his girlfriend of four years. Like, total pathological liar creep.

But here’s the thing, you guys: he waaaay hot. Like, model-quality hot. Like, absolutely freakin’ gorgeous. And he wants to come back with me to my apartment and I find myself actually considering this. I mean, I’m completely aware that this guy is a loser asshole, but, come on, he’s hot! And all of a sudden I have a little LC in my ear like, “Beet, he doesn’t deserve you! You need to respect yourself! I mean, he totally lied!” And I’m like “You’re right, LC!” And I tell him I think I’m just going to go home alone. And then he emails me at 4 am like “I MISS YOU ALREADY!” and then he texts me on Sunday like “Happy mother’s day from Leo … ruff ruff!” which would have been insanely cute coming from a guy who wasn’t completely fucking crazy but from him I was just like “Leave my fucking dog out of your crazy!” and I’m like “OMG I am so glad I didn’t sleep with this psychopath.” So, thank you, voice of Lauren Conrad in my head.

What was the point of this story?

Oh, yeah.

So Lindsay Lohan was freaking out at an LA bar last night over a huge fight she’d had with girlfriend Samantha Ronson.

And who was there to console her?

Lauren Conrad, who comforted Lindsay as she sobbed.

LC should totally have her own daytime talk show. I’d watch that shit.

May 12, 2008 at 1:11 pm by Evil Beet
Filed Under: Uncategorized

28Girls Day Out!

A preggers Angie takes Zahara and Shiloh out for a lovely afternoon in France.

Little Shiloh has lots of hair now!

And you can already tell that Zahara’s going to be stunning when she grows up.

So adorable.

So jealous. I wanna take my super-cute little daughters on a shopping spree in France! Leo doesn’t like shopping. He pees on stuff.

May 12, 2008 at 12:49 pm by Evil Beet
Filed Under: Uncategorized

8Let Them Eat Kate

What do we think of Kate Moss’s new ad for Agent Provocateur, kids?

I know it’s supposed to make me want the lingerie, but I actually just want cake now.

May 12, 2008 at 12:32 pm by Evil Beet
Filed Under: Uncategorized