3I Will Be Watching The Real World Again

Damn you, MTV!!! DAMN YOU TO HELL!!!

Just when I thought I’d finally outgrown The Real World, so proud of my newfound maturity and adulthood and ability to casually bypass reality shows about teenage alcoholics and the problems they consistently fail to attribute to their alcoholism and all the sex they have with each other in hot tubs and the forks they throw at one another and …

Oh, damn you, MTV.

They’re reuniting the cast of The Real World: Las Vegas.

Yes, that’s right. Alton. Irulan. Steven. Trishelle. Brynn. Arissa. Frank. Back together. Back in Vegas. They’re even storing them in the same Palms penthouse they had before (remember this is the crew that put The Palms on the map — no one had even heard of Ghostbar before it became their hangout). Filming begins this month, five years after season twelve of the series last filmed. And, as a friend reminds me, there is now a Playboy club in the Palms, so that opens up a whole new world of opportunity for this crew.

This is genius, MTV. Really, truly genius. Way to reel back in all us late-twenty-somethings who were finally beginning to wriggle free of the grasp you’ve had on us since before puberty. You win, MTV. Uncle. I will watch. I will make it my life’s work to watch. I haven’t got a choice. Hell, I’ll probably end up liveblogging the episodes. And I will love every minute of it. Sigh.

April 11, 2007 at 9:25 am by Evil Beet

1LC Dishes on the Sex Tape

Well, not dishes, exactly, but certainly laments.

“My friend started reading the item to me, and I literally could not breathe,” she says. “I thought she was joking when she started telling me.”

“Honestly, they videotape my life five days out of the week. I don’t need additional footage, you know?” she says, when asked if she really did make the tape.

Lauren claims that someone planted the rumor specifically to hurt her, and people are starting to look at Heidi and Spencer as the front-runners. Lauren claims Heidi hasn’t even called her. “This has literally been, like, the worst week ever, and someone who’s supposedly my friend didn’t even call or text me.”

Heidi and Spencer both deny planting the rumor.

Is The Hills even filming right now? I think they’re on hiatus, which is just so sad, because it would be awesome to have all this caught on tape. Killer ratings. I hope MTV got a camera crew in there as soon as this news broke. I mean, there’s a big part of me that feels really horrible for Lauren in all this, because I think she’s probably a genuinely good kid who got thrown into a crappy situation, but then the other side of me — the one that started a gossip blog in the first place — gets all excited and can’t wait to watch this whole thing play out.

April 11, 2007 at 9:12 am by Evil Beet

1Perfect Stranger Premiere

Halle Berry’s boyfriend, Gabriel Aubry, is way, way hot. Also: what was Pat Sajak doing there? Anybody? I even checked IMDB to see if he’d made a cameo or something in the film. I guess he just decided to show up to the premiere.

April 11, 2007 at 8:40 am by Evil Beet

10When Life Tragically Results in the Untimely Death of Your More Attractive Sister, Make Lemonade

Or, you know, a cold, grossly exploitative book with a title to match. Anna Nicole Smith’s sister, Donna Hogan, revealed her new book, titled — I am dead fucking serious here — Train Wreck: The Life and Death of Anna Nicole Smith in New York City on Tuesday. Oh. My. God. I don’t know what is more nauseating here, Donna: the fact that you have compared the life and death of your sister to a train wreck, or the fact that you did so two months after her death. I don’t know how long it takes to write and publish a book like this, but I’m sure it takes more than a couple weeks, meaning that this bitch has been planning this shit since before her sister’s body was buried. I’d expect this from some random journalist hack who’d covered her life and death, but from her sister? Jesus. No wonder that woman was willing to do anything to get out of Mexia.

April 10, 2007 at 10:17 pm by Evil Beet

0Late-Night Links

Justin’s back with Jessica Biel. [Warship]

Not to be outdone, Scarlett’s banging Ryan Reynolds. [Evil Beet]

Somewhere, Alanis Morissette and Cameron Diaz feel very, very old. [no source needed]

Christina Ricci is so damn cute I could just drop-kick her. [popbytes]

Elizabeth Hurley might go to jail for keeping her shoes on, which is really funny when you think about what Divine Brown didn’t go to jail for … [Cele|bitchy]

Jessica Alba’s all like, “Remember when Luke Perry mattered? Yeah. He was kind of a cocky ass back then. So glad that’s not a problem anymore.” [Celebslam]

Which Spice was Geri Halliwell again? Huge Bitch Spice? Oh, right, Ginger. That means “redhead” in British, folks. Anyway, her kid’s real cute. [INO]

The Hugh Hefner clan hits the golf course. Insert your own golf-club-as-phallus joke. I’ve had a long day. [MollyGood]

April 10, 2007 at 9:08 pm by Evil Beet

5AmIdol Recap: Top 8

I’ll start out by warning you all that I napped this afternoon, so you won’t be privy to any of my insomnia-induced diatribes this evening. Hopefully I can still make this interesting.

It’s LATIN night tonight. What could possibly go wrong (cough … Haley Scarnato). And, ladies and gentlemen, the cast of Drive is in the audience tonight! Who are they? What is Drive? WHO KNOWS?! But I’m guessing it airs on Fox. Ryan’s wearing lavender again. That never gets old. Oh, wait, except it does.

Jenny from the Block is here, and it turns out she’s kind of famous and successful. They fail to show any of her clips as a Fly Girl on In Living Color, and I think that’s just an all-around failure on Fox’s part. Ooh, and she speaks Spanish! Sometimes she sings in it, too. She gives the contestants some predictably bland advice about what the audience is looking for, and states in her interview that she does have some favorites, although she won’t say who.

Melinda Doolittle. “Sway.” Is “sultriest” a word? JLo just used it. Melinda’s all like, “I’m so not sexy! Eeee!” and I want to slap her. I want to be like “No, you’re not! You know why? The teeth! American parents are forever grateful to you, as they no longer have to remind their children to brush their teeth. The kids watch American Idol. They get it now. The show finishes and the kids are all like ‘Mom, can I go brush my teeth now?’” She kills the song, of course. She looks very nice, in a simple black dress and pearls. Randy thought it was a solid performance. Paula thought it was “subtle and sexy and beautiful.” Simon didn’t like it. He doesn’t think she brought enough personality, and thought she appeared old. Melinda actually seems kind of relieved that her perfect streak was broken.

LaKisha. Getting direction from the best of the best on how to say “conga.” LaKisha is understandably confused, as, here in the land of English as a Primary Language, the word is pronounced “cahnga,” but in Jennifer Lopez’s Universe of Affected Latina Accents, it absolutely must be pronounced “cohnga.” They work on this for awhile. Then, all of a sudden, Jennifer Lopez is having a seizure! An angry seizure! Oh, wait, no, she’s showing LaKisha how to dance. Now LaKisha’s face is fighting with her breasts for camera space. The camera guy’s all like, “Pan out, pan out!!!” because her breasts are taking up the whole screen. I would tell you what LaKisha is wearing, but it has already sent me into a Lopez-style seizure. Oh, this isn’t good at all. This girl is so not equipped for this song. Ha! She’s pronouncing the word “cahnga.” Like it’s supposed to be pronounced. Rock on, LK. That’s easily the most entertaining part of this. The rest is just kind of sad to watch. She doesn’t know how to work with a song she can’t belt. And she’s so focused on getting the dance steps right I’m amazed she’s even singing the right words. Randy thought she was having a good time — honestly, to me, it seemed like she was panicking — and thought it was “hot.” I disagree. Paula didn’t really like it. Simon agrees with Paula that she just wasn’t all that interesting to watch, and the dancing wasn’t very good. Simon accuses Ryan of being gay because we’re 17 minutes in and it’s about time someone used the most popular television show in the country to imply that homosexuality is something to be ashamed of. Every. Single. Time.

(more…)

April 10, 2007 at 9:04 pm by Evil Beet