Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Audrey Tatou is an Elf

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But she’s as cute as a button in my humble opinion.

Also, if you haven’t seen Amelie you should go rent it right now. You’ll thank me later, perhaps over tea.

And don’t worry, I’ve sent out some inquiries as to who the hell that giant woman sneaking up behind her about to eat her neck is. When I get to the bottom of it I’ll give you a full report.

Wax Artists Ain’t No Joke

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You gotta admit, that’s a pretty good likeness from the people at Madame Tussauds. I think one thing that helps them is that Paris always has the same annoying smirk, whether for a mug shot or out on the town.

This may be why people don’t find her so authentic. Spend a few weeks working on that smile my liege!

Yes, That Was Vanessa Minnillo in the Lindsay Lohan Knife Pictures

Vanessa Minnillo Knife Lindsay Lohan

For all you commenters who noted that the other girl posing in the Lindsay Lohan knife pictures looked a lot like Vanessa Minnillo, Page Six agrees, and apparently she is taking heat for them.

THE mystery brunette posing sexily with a knife at Lindsay Lohan’s throat in photos that ran in yesterday’s New York Post is Vanessa Minnillo, who might have a hard time getting a new job because of the risqué party pictures.

The beauty is gaining a bad rep in the TV industry for her diva-like behavior at work and hard partying outside the studio.

While friends of Minnillo insist it was she who decided not to renew the contract with “ET,” insiders say her bosses at CBS Paramount soured on her when she covered the Grammys in February. Minnillo was not assigned to the Academy Awards in March.

When producers flew her to Los Angeles to cover the Grammys, “she was extremely high maintenance,” said one source. “She insisted they fly her own hair and makeup people and her personal assistant out with her every time she flew to L.A. She only flew first class and stayed at the Four Seasons, and then she didn’t want to work.

“Vanessa wants to be a celebrity, not interview them,” said the source. “She wouldn’t conduct post-show interviews because she wanted to party. She expected to be paid a full-time salary for a part-time job.”

Remember when Vanessa dropped the f-bomb on live TV on New Year’s Eve? Heh. That was pretty cool.

We Love Our Advertisers, Part 367

Herpes Dating

Yes, that’s right, kids …

If you’re Christian, you’ve got ChristianSingles.com.

If you’re Jewish, try JDate.

If you’re a golddigger, check out Millionaire Match.

But if you just plain have herpes, there’s H-Date.com, where it’s “time to start dating again.”

And they’re using Paris Hilton’s name to plug their site. She’s just gotta love that. Luckily for them, I think she has bigger problems right now.

It’s About Time: Jack McCoy’s Getting a Promotion

Sam Waterston Law and Order

With Fred Thompson, who currently plays District Attorney Arthur Branch on Law & Order, contemplating a run for the real-world presidency, it may finally be time for Jack McCoy to get into the driver’s seat.

Sam Waterston, who’s been with the L&O franchise as an ADA for 13 years, is negotiating to step into the DA role when the show returns mid-season. The exact storyline has not been decided.

In additional changes on the show, Jeremy Sisto (who will, unfortunately, always be Elton from Clueless in my mind) will be stepping in for Milena Govich, who played Detective Nina Cassady on the show for all of twenty seconds. That Jack McCoy goes through female partners like … well … like Jack McCoy goes through female partners. Waterston’s replacement as ADA has not been decided.

Update: My best friend, the ultimate fan of Law & Order, would like me to note that Jack McCoy is, in fact, the Executive ADA, not just a plain old ADA. Thanks Alex!

Tina Fey Says Alec Baldwin Will Be Back on 30 Rock

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After StupidThoughtlessLittlePigGate and splitting from his agency (and then crawling back), Alec Baldwin stated on The View that he would not be returning to his hit show (and the thing keeping Aaron Sorkin up at night since he quit smoking crack), 30 Rock. “If I never acted again, I couldn’t care less,” he said.

Baldwin’s 30 Rock contract pretty much assured he’d be coming back, but Tina Fey said in a recent interview that if he comes back, it will be because he wants to.

“I was on vacation so I didn’t actually see him on ‘The View,’” Fey said. “It was my one week of vacation this year, and that went down. I figured, I’m going to let all the talking happen and see what the actual action is, and the action is, he’s going to be at work. No one’s going to make him do it under duress.”

When asked about Baldwin’s famous temper, Fey responded that “thankfully, my relationship with him is solely professional and I have not had to deal with that at all.”