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24The King and Queen!

Eva Longoria may have shown up wearing a bridal gown designed by her husband’s basketball team, but nothing could distract from Queen Angelina and King Brad at the Cannes Kung-Fu Panda premiere.

Angelina looks so happy!

And so skinny!

She’s reportedly going to give birth — to TWINS! — in just a couple of weeks now.

May 15, 2008 at 12:56 pm by Evil Beet
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21Shania Twain: The Face That Launched a Thousand “You’re NOT Still the One” Headlines


Shania Twain and her husband of 14 years, Robert “Mutt” Lange, have split, and everyone’s trying to come up with an original spin on a Shania lyric for the headline. So far, no one wins.

“Shania Twain and her husband, music producer Robert ‘Mutt’ Lange, are separating after 14 years of marriage,” spokesman Jason Owen says in a statement. “This is a private matter and there will be no further comment at this time.”

The couple has a six-year-old son.

May 15, 2008 at 12:40 pm by Evil Beet
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10Good Things: California Overturns Ban on Gay Marriage

Hooray for my former home state of California, which today overturned its ban on gay marriage, clearing the way for same-sex marriages in that state.

“In contrast to earlier times, our state now recognizes that an individual’s capacity to establish a loving and long-term committed relationship with another person and responsibly to care for and raise children does not depend upon the individual’s sexual orientation,” the court said in the 120-page ruling, “and, more generally, that an individual’s sexual orientation — like a person’s race or gender — does not constitute a legitimate basis upon which to deny or withhold legal rights.

“We therefore conclude that in view of the substance and significance of the fundamental constitutional right to form a family relationship, the California Constitution properly must be interpreted to guarantee this basic civil right to all Californians, whether gay or heterosexual, and to same-sex couples as well as to opposite-sex couples.”

Although this tragically means that my future gay husband Reichen Lehmkuhl can be taken officially off the market, all in all, it’s a very good thing. I’m willing to sacrifice my fantasy life with Reichen for the good of the entire gay community. That’s just the kind of selflessness I’m made of.

May 15, 2008 at 12:24 pm by Evil Beet
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7Britney’s Romantic Getaway with Mel Gibson!

Okay, okay.

So it’s not exactly romantic. But it is a getaway. Mel and his wife are heading to their vacation home in Costa Rica, and Britney Spears and her papa are coming along.

I can’t even imagine what they’re all going to talk about.

The topic of Jesus will come up at some point, I’m sure.

May 15, 2008 at 12:10 pm by Evil Beet
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11The Tape! Hooray!

Angelina Jolie confirming the twinsies.

May 15, 2008 at 10:23 am by Evil Beet
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27What Is This Fabulous Creature?

And where did Jack Hanna get it and when is mine coming?

Can you imagine the fun that Leo would have with this little guy? Fuck that, can you imagine the fun that I would have with this little guy? There’s room enough in my huge-ass purse for both of them. Leo can have the middle pocket and Little Guy can have the side pocket and they’d both come to work with me and pee on my boss’s desk together.

OMG I need one stat.

At the David Letterman show.

May 15, 2008 at 3:08 am by Evil Beet
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