Today's Evil Beet Gossip

I Know Who Aniston Is Loving On

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Those bastards at People Magazine must never rest. Either that or they’re building a facial identification system the likes of which conspiracy novelists have only dreamed of.

Either way, Jen’s new beau has been revealed. He’s a British model and his name is Paul Sculfor. I should note that the picture is probably a few years back, he’s 36 now.

He’s described as a:

“Lovely guy. A gentleman. Simple things, like opening doors, he does all that. He’ll think of the woman before himself.”

I would be remiss if I didn’t throw the Chinese fortune cookie joke “in bed” after that last comment. But, how hard would it be to treat Jen like a queen? I would do it. She’s a bazillionaire. She’s hot. She seems fairly pleasant given the interviews I’ve seen. I’ve never met her, but I wouldn’t mind, and if we dated I would open the doors – provided she didn’t have servants or ultra cool modern technology doors that opened themselves.

Oh, Paul is in this YouTube clip too, with mermaids. I don’t think it shows much besides his chest but we aim to please here at Beet central.

Oceans 13 Hollywood Premiere

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie at Oceans 13 Hollywood Premiere

What could possibly be a bigger deal than the Oceans 13 Cannes premiere? Well, nothing, really, but they held a Hollywood premiere anyway. Brad and Angie were there, of course, looking stunning and happy and successful and in love, and making the onerous futility of your own existence crystal fucking clear. Matt Damon was there with his wife, Luciana Barroso. Look, Matt, I am so much hotter than your wife. I’m sure she’s a very nice girl, but, fuck, dude, give it a shot with me for a week or so, okay? Tara Reid showed up — not that she’s in the film or anything — and actually looked quite nice. Cindy Crawford and Randeeeee Gerber were there (honestly, who the hell spells it “Rande”?), as well as Al Pacino. George Clooney brought his mom as his date. That is like the cutest thing ever. Keep me in mind next time, Georgie. I’m younger and tighter, but I’ll admit I don’t have the same number of hours logged in the bedroom.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie at Oceans 13 Hollywood Premiere Tara Reid at Oceans 13 Premiere Tara Reid Oceans 13 Hollywood Premiere Matt Damon Luciana Barroso Oceans 13 Hollywood Premiere Matt Damon Luciana Barroso Oceans 13 Hollywood PRemiere Matt Damon Oceans 13 Hollywood Premiere Cindy Crawford and Rande Gerber at Oceans 13 Hollywood PRemiere Cindy Crawford and Husband at Oceans 13 Premiere Al Pacino at Oceans 13 Hollywood Premiere George Clooney and Mom at Oceans 13 Hollywood Premiere George Clooney at Oceans 13 Hollywood Premiere

OMG Brooke Hogan is So Ridiculously Tragic

Brooke Hogan Trashy

Brooke Hogan is like our nation’s self-appointed ambassador of White Trash.

Think this all the way through with me people. This either went one of two ways:

1) Someone took the time to stencil and cut out pants that look like that. Then, Brooke Hogan saw them and was like, “I would like to be seen in those pants, preferably in front of an enormous number of my fellow human beings.”

OR

2) Brooke Hogan was like, “You know what I need for my show? Jeans, but without the entire top. Like, I want everything below the knees to be there, but for the top part I would just like to be wearing underwear. Then I will go on stage in front of lots of people and make sounds come out of my mouth while wearing them and behave as though there is absolutely nothing wrong with the way I am dressed. Can someone make that happen for me?” And THEN someone was like, “Yes. I will participate in such a monstrosity.”

Either way. Fucking kill me now.

Brooke Hogan Ripped Jeans oh sweet jesus brooke hogan is so fucking trashy

Turns Out Jail Kinda Sucks

Paris Hilton Says Jail is Cold

Our pals over at TMZ have taken it upon themselves to acquire a variety of “sources” over at Lynwood, and mostly I just wish I’d been in the room for the brainstorming session that resulted in the acquisition of those sources. How exactly does one go about collecting sources in a prison? Are they just talking to guards/wardens, or do they have actual prisoners on their payroll these days? If so, how did they get in touch with them? I mean, were they just swinging by during visiting hours to see who wanted to negotiate? Or were they looking through public records a month ago to find people who were going to be in jail around the same time as Paris? What if her location had changed at the last minute? Did they have back-up sources at nearby jails? This whole process fascinates me.

Regardless, all of TMZ’s sources agree that jail fucking sucks for Paris right now.

Paris has been crying on the phone, saying she’s not sleeping or eating. Paris says her cell is “freezing cold.” She has three little blankets and no pillow. She’s using one of the blankets as a pillow. The room is bright and jail noise echoes through her space.

Sleep isn’t the only problem. Paris says she has no appetite and has eaten almost nothing.

Inmates actually struck up a chant when Paris went back to her cell earlier today. As she walked by they struck up a chorus, “Paris! Paris! Paris!” We’re told she smiled and waved. Some inmates have been coming up to her cell door, mostly to say hi. One inmate said, “You don’t deserve to be here.” Another made an origami butterfly from a magazine page and slipped it under her door. Another slipped a drawing book under her door. The guards, Paris says, have all been nice.

It’s freezing cold in her tiny cell and she has to use a blanket as a pillow because there are no fucking pillows anywhere? Dude, I lived in Tokyo for a brief period of time, and that pretty much describes it. Anyway, welcome to the huddled masses, Paris.

Charlotte Church is VERY Pregnant

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You know how your boobs get big when you get pregnant? Charlotte Church, who already had some big boobs to begin with, has some serious pregnancy boobs going on.

She is currently pregnant with Gavin Henson‘s baby. The baby is due in September. I gotta say I love the Char and she really does look happy to be with child.

Links Links Links

Normally when we use the words “staph infection” and “Paris Hilton” in close proximity, we’re referring to Stavros Niarchos. But these days, we’re actually talking about a bacteria. [DListed]

No one understands why Ellen Pompeo wants to marry Chris Iverson, but she seems pretty sure about this one. [Bossip]

Popbytes hits up the Oceans 13 hand-cementing in Hollywood and comes back with lots of pictures. [popbytes]

Now Jon Voight is turning to Brad Pitt’s parents to try to get some grandparent time with the Jolie-Pitt kids. Dude, Jon, Angelina hates you. She’s not changing her mind about that, and these antics are not helping the situation. [Cele|bitchy]

So how do you go about advertising a hymen-tightener anyway? [Agent Bedhead]

Richard Simmons is praying for Paris. [Geno]

Nicole Richie goes ice skating. [Celebrity Puke]

Kate and Owen…Dunzo

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For those who still care Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson are no more. I actually forgot that they were dating. They were a match made in SoCal heaven but I don’t really think Owen is a “relationship” kind of guy.

They called it quits, apparently, right before Memorial Day Weekend. Even though recently they have been seen more in public neither of them seem ready to settle down. I’ll bet they get back together and break up a few more times in the future.