Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Nicole Richie: Eating, Not Drinking, Making Fun of Paris and Lindsay

Nicole Richie Making Fun of Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan on the Dance Floor

Sounds like everything is just as it should be.

Nicole Richie was spotted at a friend’s going-away party in Bev Hills with Samantha Ronson, Zach Braff and his girlfriend, Shiri Appleby (I guess he’s off the market now, girls), and was sipping tea while everyone else downed the liquor. The preggers starlet ate halibut, spaghetti Bolognese and spinach, and took her temperature after dinner to make sure she didn’t have a fever (is this something pregnant women usually do?)

But after the brief display of health and normalcy, she promptly returned to her Nicole roots, mocking Paris and Lindsay on the dance floor.

Nicole got slightly naughtier later on that night, when the party moved over to Hyde. “Nicole and deejay Frankie Inglese were imitating Paris and Lindsay having a dance-off,” says my Hyde insider. “Nicole was doing Paris, and Frankie was doing Lohan.”

Sounds like our good ole Nicole.

Heather Mills Drives Like Me

Heather Mills Gets Lots of Parking Tickets in East Hampton

After her fat settlement from Paul McCartney, it seems like Heather Mills doesn’t much care about paying parking tickets. According to Page Six:

HEATHER Mills has been hell on wheels in East Hampton. Paul McCartney’s estranged wife, who’s renting Nora Ephron and Nick Pileggi’s mansion in the Georgica Pond area, has been racking up parking tickets in her rented Bentley convertible. “She’s parking in front of fire hydrants and in handicapped zones without a handicapped tag,” a source tells The Post’s Braden Keil. The peg-legged “Dancing With the Stars” hoofer recently showed an unimpressed town cop her prosthesis while he was writing up her white gas-guzzler. She was then photographed sticking her tongue out at him as soon as he turned his back.

This is totally me. I am the queen of parking tickets (and speeding tickets, and red-light tickets, and stop-sign tickets, etc…). Unfortunately, I didn’t marry a Beatle, so I actually have to worry about how I’m gonna pay them.

More Details on How Britney Will “Shock” Us

Britney Spears Will Shock Us at VMAs, with Criss Angel Leading her in and out of mirrors

Just when I thought I’d outgrown the VMAs, it looks like I’ll be tuning in again this year.

It seems more and more certain that Britney will have her big “comeback” performance on the MTV awards show, and the Daily News has more details on the “shocking” performance she’s been developing with Criss Angel.

Angel will guide Spears in and out of a series of mirrors, making it seem as though she vanishes and then reappears several times, a source told the Daily News yesterday.

Other dancers in the complicated number are being called upon to harness up for simulated flight, the source said.

Ooooh, mirrors! Vanishing! Flying!

I am shocked!

Britney, it’s gonna take a whole lot more than that to shock us. The days of big snakes are long gone for you, my dear. Remember, we’ve all seen your vagina.

Did Someone Forget to Tell Edie Falco There Would Be Cameras at the Film Premiere?

Edie Falco at Romance and Cigarettes Premiere in Chelsea, NYC

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Honestly, it looks like Edie Falco was out walking her dog in Chelsea and happened to saunter past the premiere of Romance & Cigarettes, and the photogs were like, “Edie! Edie! Over here! No one else even remotely famous showed up! Let us take your picture!” And Edie, against her best judgment, allowed them to do so, her doggie doo clean-up bag still in hand.

Seriously.

What the fuck is this? I’m not going to bother pointing out all the things wrong with this ensemble, but I feel obliged to mention that the pants aren’t even ironed.

Yet ANOTHER B-Spears Single!

Britney Spears New Single, Cold as Fire, Listen to It Here!

These things are dropping faster than Britney’s panties.

We just got Britney’s first new single, “Gimme More,” and on its heels comes another one, “Cold as Fire.” You can check it out on the player below.

And, once again, because I’m awesome, I transcribed the lyrics for you guys. There were a few in there I couldn’t quite catch, so let me know if you have any idea what the hell she’s saying there.

And: vote on your favorite of the new Spears singles!

Which Britney Spears do you like better?
View Results

Yeah, yeah …

I’m just a girl with the ability to drive a man crazy
Make him call me mama
Make him my new baby

New and improved and saying thank you very much
[something something] you can look but don’t touch

‘Cuz I’m cold as fire baby
Hot as ice
If you’ve ever been to heaven this is twice as nice

Break it down

You’re foolish [something something] and handling my business
Holla if you hear me
Can I get a witness
Preacher, preacher, I’m the teacher
You can learn
Watch your fingers boy
You might get burned

‘Cuz I’m cold as fire baby
Hot as ice
If you’ve ever been to heaven this is twice as nice

Break it down

As you can see
Fortunately
I’m cold as fire

Make you believe
Make you stop and breathe
I’ll take you higher
I’m just too cool
[ can't understand a word of this line ] I’m hot as ice now
Make it feel like heaven
Twenty four seven
I’m twice as nice now

Cold as fire baby
Hot as ice
If you’ve ever been to heaven
This is twice as nice
Break it down

I Am Fairly Convinced That the Cast of Newport Harbor is Composed of the Illegitimate Children of the Cast of Laguna Beach/The Hills

Has anyone actually watched this show?

It’s like they secretly bred the best characters from Laguna Beach and The Hills, put them through a rapid aging process, and moved them from the classified government lab in New Mexico to Southern California. Then they brought in film crews.

And I’m not just talking about bitchy personalities and blonde hair. The facial structures are the same. The mannerisms are eerily similar. These people look alike, in a way that is not sufficiently explained by the fact that they all grew up in Southern California. I’m from SoCal, and, yes, everyone looks alike, but not this much alike.

I have taken the time to create some detailed mathematical equations explaining how all this is possible. Please observe.

Kristin Cavallari + Lauren Conrad = Chrissy from Newport Harbor

Spencer Pratt Looks Just Like Grant from Laguna Hills

So? Am I right or am I right?

OMG I Watched Celebrity Rap Superstar

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Okay, I’ll admit I tuned in to watch Perez crash and burn. He wasn’t awful, although he’s still a long way from being really comfortable on camera, but I had no idea I’d be treated to the rap stylings of Jason Wahler, Kendra Wilkinson, Shar Jackson, Countess Vaughn and Sebastian Bach.

Kendra was adorable, per usual, but she can’t rap worth a damn. The judges went easy on her because Hef was watching from the balcony, looking rather concerned for her, and none of them wants to be bumped off the Mansion’s party invite list. PMOY Sara Jean Underwood was there with her, but Bridget and Holly were nowhere to be seen. Hmmm.

Jason Wahler was awful.

K-Fed ex Shar Jackson was awesome. I was so happy for her.

Sebastian Bach is a gigantic tool, and he didn’t rap so much as he growled. But he growled well, and of course he’s a genius on the stage.

The real gem of this show is Da Brat, as a judge. She honestly made me laugh out loud on several occasions, and I basically never do that when I’m alone.

After Jason Wahler’s pathetic showing, she was like, “No wonder Lauren dumped your ass,” and after Shar Jackson rocked the house, she was like, “I know your kid is at home like, ‘At least my mama know how to rap.’”

Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Anyway, I probably won’t be tuning in again, but I just thought I’d let ya’ll know what happened so you don’t have to bother watching it yourselves. Not that you would. Because you probably have real lives. Unlike me.