Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Hooray for the Lindsay Lohan 911 Tape!

Lindsay Lohan 911 Call Tape

I was sitting at dinner with friends on Tuesday night, after a day of Lohan insanity, and we were talking about where this story was headed. “Well, there’s a 911 tape out there somewhere,” I told them, “and it’s only a matter of time before it’s on the Internet.”

And here it is.

Click here to listen. The tape is of the mother of Lohan’s assistant, Tarin Graham, telling police that a white GMC is following her.

Is it just me, you guys, or are 911 operators always dicks? The caller here is trying to give the guy the information, but the guy keeps cutting her off, like, “Ma’am, I need you to answer my questions.” But how the fuck is she supposed to answer his questions when he keeps cutting her off to yell at her for not answering the questions? I always seem to have this problem with emergency services — the people responsible for helping you out are so busy being important and demanding that they’re no help at all, and often it feels like they worsen the situation. Maybe they’re just trying to keep the situation calm by being forceful, but it seems like having the 911 guy yell at her is just making this woman more hysterical.

Angelina Jolie Shocked That More Americans Don’t Want to Relive the Daniel Pearl Murder

According to Us Weekly (which, to be fair, kind of hates Angelina Jolie because she gives all her exclusives to People), Angelina’s really upset that A Mighty Heart didn’t do as well as she thought it would. The film has brought in a measly $9M at the box office, which is, like, even worse than a Lindsay Lohan flick.

“She poured her heart into the story and can’t believe people don’t understand how important it is,” says an inside source.

To get away from it all, Jolie and her family have retreated to a $13,818-a-week rental manor in France. Rough life.

Now to get on my soapbox for a minute: I don’t understand why people are making these movies. I don’t understand A Mighty Heart. I don’t understand United 93. And I don’t understand World Trade Center. I don’t understand why anyone would want to go see these movies or why the studios think they do. Yes, they are important stories. I know how important these stories are because they happened less than six years ago and I lived through them actually happening. I don’t need to pay $10 at a movie theater to be reminded of just how fucking depressed I was about all this shit the first time it happened. Which was, you know, six fucking years ago. I remember, trust me. If I’m paying to see a movie, it’s because I want to be removed from my reality. Americans see movies to escape. You don’t necessarily have to make me laugh, but do something that takes me away from the world in which I currently live. Don’t bombard me with the most devastatingly tragic aspects of my current existence. If that’s what I wanted, I’d go see a fucking therapist. Sheesh.

We Will Talk About Dannielynn Because There Are Really Cute Pictures

Dannielynn Larry Birkhead Baby Pictures Photos

In general I’m trying to stay away from the Larry Birkhead-ness in the news, because I don’t know that any of this shit deserves publicity. But Larry showed up on Entertainment Tonight with some really cute pics of little Dannielynn, so I’ll write about it. Just this once.

“Every day she does something new, and now she’s sharing her bottle with me,” says Larry. “So if I say, ‘Give daddy a drink,’ she’ll toss it over her shoulder. It’s cool being a dad.”

Sharing her bottle? So she doesn’t take after her mother, I guess.

Little Dannielynn turns one in September, so what’s Larry planning for the celebration?

“I’m thinking big,” he says. “Her mom called her princess, so [I'm thinking of doing] something kind of Disney princess, or Hello Kitty — something real cool, so she can look back on it and say, ‘What a cool party.’”

I hope that when you say “look back on it,” Larry, what you mean is “look at the pictures on WireImage and the video from Entertainment Tonight,” because I don’t know if anyone mentioned this to you, but you don’t really form lasting memories at age one. Which is probably in Dannielynn’s best interest.

Dannielynn Anna Nicole Larry Birkhead Baby in Pool Pictures Photos Dannielynn Anna Nicole Larry Birkhead Baby Pictures Photos Dannielynn Anna Nicole Larry Birkhead Baby Daughter Pictures Photos

Kelly Rowland Thinks Brown is Beautiful

Kelly Rowland Interview with Essence: Brown is Beuatiful

Destiny’s Child singer Kelly Rowland talks in the upcoming issue of Essence about a time when she didn’t feel comfortable in her skin. “It’s said that brown-skinned girls don’t sell magazines and that’s so sad,” she tells the magazine. “I remember wishing I was more fair-skinned, but Tina Knowles, Beyoncé’s mom, would say, ‘Don’t you know how beautiful you are?’ She made me come into my brown beauty. I didn’t get it, but now I do. I am chocolate and beautiful and loving it.”

Meanwhile, her former bandmate Beyonce is recovering from a tumble she took at a show earlier in the week. During her sold out Orlando show, Beyonce fell down some stairs, landing on her face. “If you taped that, please don’t put it on YouTube,” said the singer after finishing the show. But within hours the clip was on YouTube. Unfortunately, most of those videos appear to have been pulled for copyright violations by now, otherwise I’d put it up. If anyone has a copy saved to a hard drive, drop me a line and I’ll upload it here.

Lindsay’s Side of the Story

A Lohan family friend, Gina Glockman, recently gave this account of events to Entertainment Tonight:

Lindsay was having a get-together at her home. Several people say she wasn’t drinking, that she didn’t even have a drink, but at a certain point in the night, apparently, she fell off the wagon and did start drinking.

When assistant TARIN GRAHAM walked into the house and looked disheveled with teary red eyes, Lindsay was concerned that something happened to her.

There was some sort of altercation. Tarin either quit or Lindsay fired her. Tarin left and Lindsay followed her.

There were definitely two people in the car with Lindsay that night.

Tarin’s mother apparently made a police call because she was afraid someone was chasing her.

Right now, we don’t know who may have been chasing her. It could have been paparazzi.

When the cops arrived, there were so many people in the parking lot that they automatically zoomed in on Lindsay. Apparently the altercation took place at about 1:30 a.m.

Lindsay was strong-armed into taking a breathalyzer test. They say the cocaine was not Lindsay’s; she was wearing someone else’s pants.

Dina got a call from Lindsay at about 5 a.m. and she was talking so fast Dina couldn’t even understand what she was saying … she was just like, ‘Mommy, mommy, mommy,’ and very upset in the conversation.

For the past two years, Dina’s been trying to get Lindsay to leave L.A. and come to N.Y. so she can be with all of her children.

Obviously she’s been going through a tough time and it would be best for her to come to N.Y., to be with her family right now, take some time off, get into a rehab center and bascially give herself a chance to be healthy right now.

They say her life is at risk. Lindsay suffers an addiction. It’s not about Lindsay’s career right now. It’s about saving her life.

Dina and Lindsay have been talking every hour. They’re texting constantly, they’re on the phone.

Not only does Dina have to deal with Lindsay’s crisis right now, but she also has to appear in court this Friday and Monday because she’s in a custody battle for all four of her children.

Lindsay could be traveling from L.A. to N.Y. right now to possibly be admitted into rehab.

On a programming note, I’m at home visiting my family right now, so posting may be slower than usual. And, with any luck, we’ll get some very special posts from my mom and sister before the week is over, which should be funny because neither of them knows or cares about celebrities. My sister the oceanographer wants to know if she can blog about phytoplankton. I told her that as long as it ties into Lindsay Lohan, she sure can. So we’ll see how that goes.

This Makes Me Sad

I’ve been a bit despondent with all of this news of Brit Brit’s total collapse. I knew she was always a crazy person but I had a faint hope that she was on an upswing after the past few years.

I found this commercial that was made at the height of her popularity. Remember the hot Pepsi ad that made you want Britney’s body. Well here it is. All we can do is remember the good times…

Jessica Alba is SINGLE!

Jessica Alba Dumps Boyfriend Cash Warren

Jessica Alba is back on the market and ready to be slutty!

The Fantastic Four star has dumped her longtime boyfriend, Cash Warren, reportedly telling him on the phone, “I’m not in love with you anymore.”

A source close to Cash says that it “happened…almost out of nowhere. [Cash] thinks it’s for another guy but doesn’t know….he’s totally devastated. But it was all her.”

Alba, as you may recall, made headlines back in June for professing a laid-back attitude about sex: “I feel like a lot of women try to make it into more,” she said, “so they don’t feel so bad about just wanting to have sex. I don’t really have a problem with just wanting sex. Never have.”

I think I speak for all the men in America when I say: Bring it on, Jess!

I wonder who she’ll end up dating. I think I’d love it if she stole Justin Timberlake away from Jessica Biel. My money’s on that.