Today's Evil Beet Gossip

American Idol Auditions Are Back

It seems like just yesterday that we crowned … someone? … the new American Idol winner. (In my defense, it’s 1:30 am, but I honestly had to Google it to remember that it was Jordan Sparks … and I was live-blogging every episode. Each season of that show just blurs with the last.) But it’s time to start up the insanity again, and it’s kicking off this year in Dallas, Texas. It’s the standard story: lines stretched forever, it was way fucking hot, contestants only get 15 seconds to sing, Ryan Seacrest is getting head from androgynous characters in a bathroom stall between takes, etc. Maybe this is why nothing exceptional ever happens to me, but I just don’t understand why anyone would want to do that, even if they are a good singer. Like, there’s a tiny voice in my head that would say, like, “Hey, Beet, this is a once-in-a-lifetime chance to become a superstar! Sure, the odds are slim, but you’ve gotta go for it! You’ll only achieve success if you pursue your dreams at all costs!” And then a huge, bellowing voice in my head responds, “It’s hot,” and then I’d stay in and watch Gilmore Girls reruns instead and hope someone discovers me in a mall.

In coming weeks, auditions will be held in Omaha, Atlanta, Charleston, Miami and Philadelphia. Can we please talk about these Omaha auditions? If Adam Duritz hadn’t thought to write a whole song about it, I’d never have known Omaha existed. (I just have to note here that my friend Palimo — a musical prodigy — once devoted his considerable talent to making up new words to “Omaha,” and it started like this: “Boned your ma, somewhere in a Little America,” and then it went on but I forget how but Palimo, if you ever read this blog, kindly leave them in the comments). Anyway, Omaha’s in the middle of fucking nowhere, a few hours out of Des Moines and about a day’s drive from Chicago, but I truly cannot wait to see the midwestern farm stories they manage to pull out of the Omaha auditions.

Putting on a Brave Face

Lauren Conrad from The Hills on TRL, Pictures and Photos

So we’re not going to reprint any of the things that Spencer Pratt has said about Lauren Conrad recently. Not because we have standards or anything, but because I like LC and I hate Spencer and I just don’t want his nonsense on my blog. But, if you must know, you can read his recent (scathing) blog post here or listen to him and Heidi spew their anti-Lauren venom on the radio here. (By the way, all the talk of a wedding — it’s so not happening. This engagement is such a fraud. Note how whenever a question comes up about the “wedding” they give different answers. They haven’t talked about it because they know it’s not happening.) But Lauren is awesome, and she’s totally right when she says that Heidi and Spencer are famous because she made them famous, and they continue to become more famous now by bashing her. She and Audrina showed up on TRL on Monday, all smiles and looking fantastic, to promote the upcoming season of The Hills (where they have to be loving all the publicity Spencer’s been scaring up).

Audrina Patridge and Lauren Conrad from The Hills on TRL, Pictures and Photos Audrina Patridge and Lauren Conrad from The Hills on TRL, Pictures and Photos

Emmanuelle Chriqui is Adorable

Emmanuelle Chriqui Filming You Don’t Mess with the Zohan in Central Park, Pictures photos pics

I guess she’s in this new Adam Sandler movie, You Don’t Mess with the Zohan, which has been filming all over NYC for the past few weeks. I thought that, after leaving LA for NYC, I’d be free of assorted film crews for awhile, but honestly on my very first night here I was at a burlesque club (they’re like strippers but fat) on the Lower East Side, and they were filming this movie right outside the club all night. I think I attract film crews. Someone should make me a star already.

Anyway, Emmanuelle Chriqui (who plays E’s girlfriend on Entourage, for those of you who don’t recognize her), is just one of those incredible likeable new starlets. I definitely have had a little girl crush on her from the first time I saw her. She’s fresh-faced and just looks like a lot of fun. Plus she doesn’t seem to show up around the clubs all too often, and, when she does, seems to stay out of trouble. Hopefully she’ll be around for awhile. These pics are from the filming of the movie in Central Park.

Emmanuelle Chriqui Filming You Don’t Mess with the Zohan in Central Park NYC, Pictures photos pics Emmanuelle Chriqui Filming You Don’t Mess with the Zohan in Central Park in New York, Pictures photos pics Emmanuelle Chriqui and Adam Sandler Filming You Don’t Mess with the Zohan in Central Park, Pictures photos pics

The Links

Geri Halliwell looks damn good in a bikini. [Celebslam]

Chris Rock would like you to know, for once and for all, that he did not father (this particular) child out of wedlock. [Bossip]

Meanwhile, Eddie Murphy finally admits that there is some accuracy to scientific paternity testing. [Cele|bitchy]

Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards are back to hating each other. Phew. That was weird for awhile. [Yeeeah!]

“Flava Flav is responsible for more homeless black children than Hurricane Katrina.” [SOW]

Let the Beckham Backlash begin. [Agent Bedhead]

When the title of a film review is “I Hate My Life,” you sort of already know how the rest of it’s gonna read. [Pajiba]

Michelle Pfeiffer gets that elusive star on the Boulevard, so Lohan et al can trample over her name on the way to another DUI. [popbytes]

Britney Spears Finally Has a Manager

britney_mayhem2.jpg

Manager Jeff Kwatinez may have been frustrated by Kelly Clarkson’s refusal to listen to the advice of Clive Davis, but at least Kelly doesn’t have a reputation for cleaning up her dog’s poop with Chanel dresses, urinating on-set with the bathroom door open, flaking out on her commitments, and, you know, doing cocaine all the time.

But, for whatever reason, Mr. Kwatinez, who was fired by Kelly last month, feels he’s prepared to take on Britney Spears, and has recently agreed to sign on as her manager. Britney’s been without any formal management for several months now — some say because no one’s willing to work with her — and her career has spiraled even further downward, with the recently divorced popstar getting into screaming matches with the paparazzi and walking out on interviews.

Jeff has been tasked with resurrecting Britney’s career, but he’s going to have to resurrect her life first.

Brooke Shields’ Daughter is Giving Shiloh a Run for Her Money

Brooke Shields and Her Daughter Grier, Pictures and Photos

Brooke Shields, Daughter Grier and Husband Chris Henchy, Family Picture

Brooke Shields and Daughter Grier at Mercedes Benz Polo Challenge Picture

I know I announced not too long ago that Shiloh Jolie-Pitt was the cutest child ever, but I think I need to reconsider. Brooke Shields’ little Grier is absolutely adorable, too. Brooke, her daughter, and her husband Chris Henchy hung out at the Mercedes Benz Polo Challenge for charity this weekend. Brooke hosted the event.

Look, I know I probably won’t be writing a celebrity gossip blog twenty years from now, but I really hope we’re still following celebrity gossip as closely then as we do now, because I’m really excited to watch all these kids grow up together. One of these days, we’re going to have Shiloh, Suri, Grier, Apple and all the rest of these tragically named children getting shitty drunk at some hip WeHo club and flipping off TMZ’s cameras, and I, for one, can’t wait.


Photo credit: Buzz Foto