Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Matt Damon Kicks Homer Simpson’s Ass

Bourne Ultimatum is Number One at the Box office

D’oh!*

The Bourne Ultimatum knocked The Simpsons movie out of the top box office spot with a vengeance, claiming the biggest August opening of all time ever. The film brought in $70.2M this weekend, far better than either of the previous installments of the series. I guess audiences were just dying for a good action flick this weekend.

“The reviews and audiences rated this one the best one yet,” said the head of distribution for Universal Pictures. “Matt Damon is the new James Bond.”

In third place was Disney’s live-action Underdog, which I had never heard of before reading this film, but then again my interactions with anyone under the age of 25 take place awkwardly, briefly, and usually in supermarkets.

Anne Hathaway’s Becoming Jane only took in $1M, but it was only showing on 100 screens, so that’s an impressive per-screen average. It appears there’s still a market for very, very pale girls at the box office. Take note, Paris Hilton.

*How many people who write this article will open with that same line? Would it be easier to do it by the percentage?

Links and a Note from Management

Oh my gosh! This has been the craziest weekend! Moving into a place in New York City is definitely one of the more challenging logistical tasks I’ve faced in my life. Thankfully, everyone in my new neighborhood has been unbelievably outgoing, kind, helpful and … well … neighborly. I love L.A. and I always will, but I don’t think I’ve ever felt like I lived in a neighborhood before, so this is pretty cool. My roommates and I were blasting the very first Britney album tonight as we were setting the place up, and it made us long for the good old Britney days. I don’t care what anyone says, that was a great album.

Anyway, I’m all moved in here, and some anonymous tenant in my building was thoughtful enough to have an unsecured wireless network, so posting will be back to normal starting tomorrow. Many, many thanks to Lars and T for covering for me while my life was temporarily insane. Now … on to the links!

Brad and Angelina have their own stamp in Australia now. [popbytes]

Remember when Lauryn Hill was talented and crazy instead of just high and crazy? [Pop on the Pop]

Is David Beckham going to make his big Hollywood debut playing Robbie Williams’ gay lover on Desperate Housewives? Not if Tom Cruise has anything to say about it, I’m sure. [Holy Candy]

I’m really excited for the Ashley Tisdale DUI. [Celebrity Smack]

The pregnant Christina Aguilera cancels the remainder of her world tour due to illness. Get better soon Christina!! You have to have a healthy, adorable little baby so that Nicole’s doesn’t get all the attention. [Cele|bitchy]

I didn’t really need to see Leelee Sobieski in leather. [Drunken Stepfather]

Hollywood’s Cutest Couple Giving It Another Go?

Reese Ryan and Eva

Rumor is Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe are working out their differences and getting close to getting back together. Page Six says that they have been closer as of late and even though their breakup was pretty brutal, with Ryan admitting he had cheated on Reese, they are spending a lot of quality time together.

“They met for lunch this week at the Votre Sante health-food restaurant, a regular Brentwood haunt for Reese on San Vicente. And they’re going on runs together around the Brentwood Country Club. Both are regular, dedicated runners. Running is a very healing, meditative thing, so maybe it will work its magic on them.”

I have no idea how running fits into this. The last time I went running with my boyfriend by the time I caught up with him I ended up tripping on his foot and falling on my face. That ended our romantic running.

I hope this works out for them. Neither of them really has had a high profile romance since their split. Ryan has shown that he is a devoted dad to their kids and they were just so darn cute as a couple. Ryan’s PR person obviously denied this report but I’m guessing we might see more of these two together in the future.

That’s Just My Baby Daddy…

Eddie Murphy Fails Paternity Test

LOS ANGELES (AP) — Eddie Murphy acknowledged he is the father of Melanie Brown’s young daughter, a day after the former Spice Girl took legal action to establish him as a parent. Murphy, 46, “always has and will continue to honor his responsibilities as a father,” according to a statement released Friday through his publicist, Arnold Robinson.

Well, he “acknowledged” it right after the paternity test came back positive which is a bit like me “acknowledging” I just ate a meal once the bill arrives at my table. Not the most courageous of acts there…

And just to translate Hollyhood speak for you: “always has and will continue to honor his responsibilities” means “will fight like hell to establish that he’s not the father and then once the court system starts bearing down on him he’ll make a statement so as not to look like a total knobjob.” Whew, translating is tough!

“Mr. Murphy and Ms. Brown dated very briefly and never made any plans of ANY sort,” the statement said.

Well, at the very least they made plans to have some sex. They might have been very short term plans, or plans that didn’t have a lot of forethought, but a plan was made nonetheless. Conversely Scary Spice Mel B says:

She said she and Murphy dated for four months in 2006 before mutually deciding to have a child.She said she and Murphy dated for four months in 2006 before mutually deciding to have a child.

So someone is lying. But if it went down like Mel says than the conversation was like this:

Scary: Hey, we’ve been dating four months now…. so…
Eddie: Hmmm? What’s that? I have to go do the donkey voice for Shrek in a few minutes, so let’s make this snappy.
Scary: What I’m saying here is I think we should have a child. Mutually.
Eddie: Okay, sounds good.

The truth, like all great truths in life, is probably somewhere in between. Maybe he agreed to have a kid right before doing it which we all know doesn’t count.

Angel Iris Murphy Brown was born April 3.

No one but me will remember this, but wasn’t there some big stink about the show “Murphy Brown” back in the day? Where she was a single mom and the VP Danny Quayle came out and said she was not a role model and was in fact a big whore? I swear I remember that… so the irony of your kid having that Murphy Brown moniker is not lost on me. Nor should it be on you.

Happy Saturday people!

Ladies and Gentlemen, Breaking News!!

You have to love People.com… they’ve caught someone in the act of getting groceries. Check out this screengrab:

charlize.jpg

Also, I have the scoop, it was at Whole Foods. She was in the act, at Whole Foods, buying food, to EAT!!

I sure hope I never get caught in the act of getting groceries… or even worse, getting an oil change. That would be just dreadful.

I Would Also Prefer County Jail Please

Nicole Richie Wants Her Some County Jail

LOS ANGELES (AP) — Nicole Richie wants to do her time in the Los Angeles County jail. Richie’s lawyer contacted the county Sheriff’s Department earlier this week and indicated the reality TV star wanted to serve her four-day sentence in county lockup rather than a city jail, sheriff’s spokesman Steve Whitmore said Thursday.

See, this is planning. You’ve got to own your surroundings people. County jail = good, city jail = bad. It’s the same thing with mice actually.

The only odd thing is:

Richie was ordered to spend 90 hours, either in county jail or at any city jail in the county that would accept her.

It’s only 90 hours, three and a half days, how bad could city jail be? Also, given the language of that order I would just build my own jail and have it accept me. My jail would have a dolphin tank if that helps you get the vibe of what my jail would be all about.