Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Dolly Parton Raps

Do you really need anything other than that? Really? Dolly Parton, the queen herself, doing some freestyling? I’m sorry, are you dead inside?

Ok, fine, here are some of the lovely lyrics from TMZ:

[on the subject of Queen Latifah] “She’s the queen of her own hood …
but I’m the queen of Dollywood!”

“I don’t hip and I don’t hop …
I’d black both eyes with this big top.”

“I know the Queen has got ‘em too …
… but she don’t work ‘em like I do!”

So I guess this day has a happy ending after all, huh?

Lindsay’s Latest Booze Extravaganza!

A photo of Lindsay Lohan

Trust me, I know how much you love that picture of Lindsay. And believe you me, I’m going to do anything in my power to use this picture as much as possible. For you.

It’s been a minute since we’ve heard about a good Lindsay Lohan debacle, so let’s just kick back and let Radar tell us a cozy little tale, shall we?

The troubled starlet began her night at Chateau Marmont, and then headed over to Palihouse hotel where her friend, aspiring actor/writer Michael Donegar hosted a party to celebrate his 25th birthday.

She ended the night crying, screaming and “barely able to walk,” our eyewitness says.

“Lindsay looked great when she showed up at Palihouse, and ordered cranberry juice from the waitress,” the source tells us.

“I was like ‘Who’s that gorgeous girl,’ and then I realized it was Lindsay. She was definitely sober when she showed up but as the night went on she got sloppier and sloppier.

“Everyone at the table was drinking lemon drop shots and there were two bottle of Kettle One vodka on the table. She ordered two martinis from the waitress, but she said they were for a friend. So the waitress brought them out and handed them to her.  One of the other girls shot the waitress a look and shook her head as if to say ‘Don’t give that to her.’

“But Lindsay took them any way and took a big gulp out of one of them. About 10 minutes later she did a shot of vodka.”

Lohan was with two-time Survivor contestant Oscar Lusth, and Lindsay got more than a little upset when she thought he was flirting with another woman.

“She yelled at him to ‘Stop flirting with everyone’!” the source says.

“A guy sitting on the other side of her poured himself a vodka on the rocks and I saw her take two sips out of it. But she was really careful to only order juice from the staff,” the source observed.

“By 2 am, she could barely stand. She was trying to stabilize herself on the chairs. Then she made it over to the curtains and hung on them. The manager saw this and went over and helped her stand up,” the eyewitness says.

“She was really nice to the manager. She kept saying, ‘Thank you. All my friend left me.’ Then she picked up her phone and started screaming ‘Every body left me! Why did everyone leave me? Where are you?’”

Man. If this isn’t classic Lindsay then I don’t know what is. And honestly, I imagine it must be really sad when vodka and tears taste like home.