Today's Evil Beet Gossip

JENNA FISCHER IS SINGLE!!!

Jenna Fischer Getting a Divorce From Husband

The start of this week looked like it was all good news for the women: both Heath Ledger and Shaquille O’Neal announced their upcoming divorces. I mean, I guess it’s good news for the men if you want to have sex with Michelle Williams, but, really, who wants to have sex with Michelle Williams? She looks like a 12-year-old boy these days.

But Jenna Fischer?

She looks like the 12-year-old girl next door.

And she’s getting a divorce! From her husband! Some screenwriter you’ve never heard of!!!

As Hollywood’s elite become increasingly dissatisfied with their publicists, Jenna has, like so many others before her, turned to the Publicist Formerly Known as MySpace to break this exciting news:

We (James and Jenna) need to announce that we have chosen to separate. We are sorry for any pain this causes family and friends. The enthusiasm we have expressed for each other’s lives, spirits, and careers is real – we have been each other’s cheerleader and friend during the past six years and continue to be so now and in the future.

And a special note for our MySpace fans – We appreciate your support over the years, and would be overjoyed to have you continue supporting us both. You might be tempted to make one of us “feel better” by putting the other one down in a post. Please don’t – we still have the utmost respect for one another, and we’d have to delete you. We aren’t taking questions or doing interviews about this particular aspect of our lives. We’re also avoiding reading any press on the subject, so don’t send us any clippings or links about the split. Thank you in advance for respecting our privacy.

Okay, guys, this is your big shot. Hurry on over to Jenna’s MySpace page and post a comment reminding her of what a loser cocksucker wash-out her husband is, and, if you live in the LA area, remind her that you have a screenplay, too. It’s kind of like Entourage meets The Sopranos, right? And you totally know someone who can get it into a studio, don’t you?

Get on it, kids! This won’t last long!

Update: I feel obliged to mention that, in June, Jenna Fischer was our best guess for the married prime-time star propositioning her boyish co-star. Hmmm.

Michael and Lindsay Lohan: Together at Last

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And it seems like, now that Michael Lohan actually got to see the daughter he’s been fighting to see for so long, he might actually shut up for a little while.

It was a sad day for the manufacturers of Grey Goose, as the alcoholic father-daughter combo had an emotional reunion in the parking lot of Lindsay’s rehab. “The moment Lindsay saw Michael, she started running and jumped into her father’s arms,” says an eyewitness. “Her father hugged her and swung her around. Lindsay was so happy. It was very emotional.”

The two haven’t seen each other in nearly three years. Daddy spent two years in prison, and has fought to see his daughter ever since his release.

When asked for comment, Michael, who normally can’t shut the fuck up, said: “I can’t comment on my relationship with my daughter. But [the reunion] was amazing.”

Jesus Christ, maybe these people are finally approaching normalcy.

That would be bad for business.

Hopefully they’ll change their minds about sobriety and hit the Park City bar scene together! Now that’s father-daughter bonding!

Nah, I can’t even say that jokingly. I’m rooting for these two. I hope Lindsay gets healthy and gets whatever serenity she’s been searching for throughout these years, and hopefully a relationship with a sober father will help.

Picking Up the Pieces

Lots and lots and lots and lots of recent pictures of Jessica Simpson. [Celebslam]

Rachel Ray has some gigantic fucking nipples. [Drunken Stepfather]

Brad Pitt likes to pretend he and Jennifer Aniston are still friends. Jennifer Aniston likes to pretend Brad Pitt got his penis eaten by a shark. [Yeeeah!]

People are saying Michael Jackson has a new single. Right. The new single is 8 years old and likes ice cream with sprinkles on top. [Celebrity Smack]

Britney is for sure for sure for sure opening the VMAs. Unless, you know, she totally flakes. [popbytes]

Looks Like Sherri Shephard’s Joining The View

Who’s Sherri Shephard?

I have no fucking clue.

Honestly. No idea. The most recent photo of her on WireImage is from 2004, which is way older than my subscription allows for, and I’m too damn lazy to try to find her on Google or IMDB because you know what? It’s been a shitty fucking day.

She’s black and she smiles real big, and that’s all I can tell you with the little tiny thumbnails I’m allowed to see.

So whatever. She’s the fifth host. Babs will announce it formally on Monday.

High School Musical Just Got Interesting

Vanessa Hudgens from High School Musical Naked, Nude, Pussy, Tits, Vagina, EVERYTHING!

And it’s about fucking time!

Those movies are about the most saccharine, insipid, retarded things to hit television in recent years, and I have tried to care, I really have. I even watched the first half of the second one, just so I’d have some idea who the fuck these people are that everyone’s talking about. But it was so, so, so hard to care.

NOT ANYMORE!!!

Vanessa Hudgens, who plays Zac Efron’s love interest in the film, IS NAKED ON THE INTERNET.

Yay!!!!!

Apparently, these days, if you’re a brunette starlet named Vanessa, your bushy vag is destined for the web. Do girls named Vanessa not shave down there?

Her camp admits the photos are of her, stating “This was a photo which was taken privately. It is a personal matter and it is unfortunate that this has become public.” Now rumors have hit the web that Disney’s pulling her out of the next HSM, but I’ve heard they’ve been in a contract struggle for awhile, so one may have nothing to do with the other. I’ll def let you know when I know more.

For now, jump in to see the uncensored Vanessa.

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Jason Wahler Sticks Up for Lauren Conrad

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I hope Ryan Seacrest is on The Hills payroll. It’s, like, when most people in Hollywood want to issue a statement, they go to their publicist. When these kids want to get a message out, they go to KISS-FM.

“The whole thing that Heidi [Montag] and Spencer [Pratt] said about the tape thing, it’s just so annoying,” Jason told Ryan on Wednesday. “They just need to shut up … The most frustrating part is that they are such lowlifes that they have to come up with stuff to try and ruin other people. It’s just frustrating.”

WOO HOO! Well said, my man!

Rehab’s done Wahler good.

He’s making a guest appearance on the MTV show on Monday.