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18My Love for Ranae Shrider Knows No Bounds

The Verne Troyer sex-tape co-star just won’t stop talking.

Up now: she’s chatting to News of the World about the couple’s sex life.

Says Ranae:

“I had to kneel down just to give him a hug. And anything but the traditional missionary position was just impossible. So I’d lie on the bed and Verne would crawl up my legs to have sex with me. And as he did it his feet would be tickling my knees!

“It wasn’t quite as passionate as sex with a normal-sized man but he did his best. He didn’t wear a condom. There was no point, they’re all too big.

“On the whole though, he wasn’t short of sexy skills and tried his hardest to make up in technique what he lacked in size.”

But this is definitely my favorite quote:

“Luckily I didn’t have to cook much—because after two biscuits Verne is full. One slice of Hawaiian pizza and he’s happy for the rest of the day!”

Ahhhhhhhhhh ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Why didn’t I think of that? I don’t cook, and I always thought it would make it harder for me to find a man, when what I really needed to do was focus on dating Little People! It was so obvious all along!

The oddest part?

She’s still living with Verne!

“We live in the same apartment but have separate rooms. I still care for Verne—but sadly Verne cares more about himself.”

Dude, either there is something totally shady going on here — meaning that they’re in this together and splitting the profits — or they’re both completely and totally batshit insane. It’s anybody’s guess.

July 7, 2008 at 11:06 am by Evil Beet
Filed Under: Uncategorized

5Look Who Plays the Piano!

She’s a little flat while she’s, ya know, singing, but she gets tons of points for effort!

Demi Lovato is officially my favorite up-and-comer!

July 7, 2008 at 10:55 am by Evil Beet
Filed Under: Uncategorized

19Nicole Kidman Pops!

Congratulations to Nicole Kidman, who gave birth to a healthy girl, Sunday Rose Kidman Urban, on Monday morning.

Mother and baby are doing well.

What’s with the name Sunday?

Do you think Nicole thought it was still Sunday when she delivered?

Oops!

July 7, 2008 at 10:52 am by Evil Beet
Filed Under: Uncategorized

9The Osbourne Family: Crawling Back to Your Television Set

Sigh.

The Osbournes just won’t quit.

The quirky (read: annoying and overexposed) family has signed with Fox to do six episodes of a variety show.

Yeah, that’s right, a variety show. Because that’s what American audiences care about these days.

The plan is to blend musical performances by the Osbournes and others with comedy sketches, as well as a game-show element and audience participation bits.

Oh, man, this totally means Kelly Osbourne’s going to try to kick-start that music career once again.

And to make matters worse, they plan to kick things off with a Christmas special.

You know, I’m not entirely sure how studios decide whether or not to greenlight these things. I’m sure there are lots of focus groups, market studies, financial assessments, etc, but I think in the future they should just skip all that. It would be way more cost-effective to just come to me and be like, “Evil Beet, is this concept going to work?” And, in this case, I would be like “No, Fox. No, it is not,” and we would have just saved everybody a ton of time, money and aggravation. Instead, everybody’s going to have to find out the hard way.

July 7, 2008 at 2:04 am by Evil Beet
Filed Under: Uncategorized

13Snoop Dogg Goes Bollywood

Everyone’s looking to make money in India!

Snoop Dogg has teamed up with Bollywood superstar Akshay Kumar to record a track for the theme song of a new B’wood flick, Singh Is King.

Video above.

OMG, I love Bollywood so much. Everything about this is so wonderful.

July 7, 2008 at 1:53 am by Evil Beet
Filed Under: Uncategorized

5Rodriguez’s Wife to File for Divorce

Whether or not he’s porking Madonna, A-Rod’s wife has decided she doesn’t want any more of his rod.

She will file for divorce on Monday, according to reports, blaming the split on Alex’s extramarital affairs.

“She feels that she has exhausted every opportunity to salvage the marriage, and that Alex has emotionally abandoned her and the children and has left her with no choice but to divorce him,” says her lawyer.

Ugh.

I couldn’t possibly be more bored by this story.

July 6, 2008 at 7:03 pm by Evil Beet
Filed Under: Uncategorized