Today's Evil Beet Gossip

BumpWatch: Jessica Alba

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Here’s Jess shopping at the Grove the day after Christmas. You can’t really see the bump in any of these pictures. Dammit.

She spent the afternoon picking up items at Banana Republic, The Apple Store and finished up at Nordstroms before she and her friend headed back to her Toyota Prius.

She drives a Prius?

How very socially conscious of her. I’d totally drive a hybrid car, if they weren’t ugly and if they came in SUVs.

Breaking: Will Smith Halting Construction on Shrine to Hitler

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We ignored the Will-Smith-loves-Hitler story around here, because it was stupid, and blown out of proportion, and Will Smith agrees.

Basically, he was quoted by a reporter as saying: “Even Hitler didn’t wake up going, ‘let me do the most evil thing I can do today.’ I think he woke up in the morning and using a twisted, backwards logic, he set out to do what he thought was ‘good.’”

I don’t know why Will Smith said this. Memo to celebrities: There are literally billions of people on this earth to talk about. Try to avoid discussing Hitler. Like, always. Seriously, when you feel the word “Hitler” coming out of your mouth, just replace it with “Evil Beet.” The gist of it should still work, and I get free PR.

Anyway, of course this was a big ole scandal, and now Will’s all like, “Um, dude, I’m no Hitler-lover,” in the form of this official statement: “It is an awful and disgusting lie. It speaks to the dangerous power of an ignorant person with a pen. I am incensed and infuriated to have to respond to such ludicrous misinterpretation. Adolf Hitler was a vile, heinous vicious killer responsible for one of the greatest acts of evil committed on this planet.”

So there you have it:

Hitler, bad. Will Smith, good. Genocide, bad. I Am Legend, good.

Everyone all straightened out now? Okay then.

Who Do I Have to Fuck for Something Interesting to Happen This Week? (Also: Pretty People Are Smarter)

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I know, I know, it’s Christmas, but still.

This has been the most boring week ever. Nothing’s happened!! (Josh & Fergie getting engaged doesn’t count, because in my special Evil Beet land, that never happened, and Josh is still saving his virginity for me.)

I did something today that I’ve never done before in my life.

I read the Economist.

And now you’re going to do it, too, because they have a very interesting article today (via Jezebel) asserting that pretty people are smarter, more cultured and overall just plain better than ugly people.

That happens because beauty is a real marker for other, underlying characteristics such as health, good genes and intelligence. It is what biologists call an unfakeable signal, like the deep roar of a big, rutting stag that smaller adolescents are physically incapable of producing. It therefore makes biological sense for people to prefer beautiful friends and lovers, since the first will make good allies, and the second, good mates.

That brings the beautiful opportunities denied to the ugly, which allows them to learn things and make connections that increase their value still further. If they are judged on that experience as well as their biological fitness, it makes them even more attractive. Even a small initial difference can thus be amplified into something that just ain’t—viewed from the bottom—fair.

So, you girls know what to put on your Christmas lists next year: plastic surgery!

Okay, back to hunting for stories.

More JLS Fun: Casey Aldridge Possibly Not the Father

This rumor’s been going around for awhile, so I’ll pass it on to you guys.

Word on the street is that Casey Aldridge is taking the fall for the Jamie-Lynn Spears pregnancy since he did date her, and, being less than two years older than she is, can’t be held on statutory rape charges. They say he hasn’t even really been dating Jamie-Lynn recently, and that the father is actually a much older exec on her TV show.

Star magazine insists that the teenager may not be the dad – and that Spears’ friends and family think it is an older man who would face statutory rape charges.

Friends have said that Jamie Lynn was no longer even seeing Casey – and family members told Star that they believe the real father is a much older executive at her children’s TV show ‘Zoey 101′.

“Casey is being paid off to be the family’s fall guy while the real father remains unidentified,” Star magazine insists.

They say the real reason is that an older man could be charged with statutory rape if revealed to be the father of an under-aged girl’s baby.

But in Jamie Lynn’s home state of Louisiana, Casey would escape charges because a 16-year-old can legally have sex with someone less than two years older than her. “Conveniently, Casey falls under the bar by just 26 days.

“The man many suspect is the father, however, would face charges and probably prison time if he were to come forward and admit he had sex with her,” Star magazine states.

The magazine quotes “two separate Spears family insiders” who believe the father is someone who works on Jamie Lynn’s kids’ show. “Jamie Lynn has been working on Zoey since she was 13,” one of the sources said. “In Hollywood, little girls grow up fast, and she is no exception.

“With everything that has gone on in her family, she needed someone to look up to.

“But the man she found seems to have completely taken advantage of her.”

Oh, I do hope this is true!!! But there’ll be no way to tell without a DNA test, which I’m sure Jamie won’t get if she’s trying to protect this dude.

Jay-Z’s Def Jammin’ Outta Def Jam

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The rap mogul has decided to leave his post as the head of Def Jam at the end of the year, when his contract expires.

“Now it’s time for me to take on new challenges,” he said in a statement Monday. “I am pleased to have had the opportunity to build upon the Def Jam legacy.”