Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Ted Haggard to “Wife Swap” with Gary Busey

Photo: Ted Haggard and Gary Busey are slated to appear on Celebrity Wife Swap together

Do you understand how much I hate my job right now? It’s like I’ve been transported through the looking-glass to an alternate dimension where I can’t make any jokes, one where reality is stranger than fiction, one where Ted Haggard and Gary Busey will appear on the same episode of Celebrity Wife Swap. And where does that leave me? GOBSMACKED AND JOKELESS.

Pastor Ted Haggard—right, that’s the one—will send his unconditional wife Gayle off to spend some alone time with actor Gary Busey. Yikes.

Mr. Busey himself is a born-again Christian, as well as a longtime member of Promise Keepers. And while he isn’t currently “married,” per se, he has a son with actress Steffanie Sampson.

In the meantime, Steffanie Sampson, who is three years younger than Jake Busey, is totally a CERTIFIED MASTER HYPNOTIST, according to her IMDb profile!!! (Yes, I realize that actually means “hypnotherapist,” but I so want her to also be a mentalist and psychic.) I can’t wait to see her with Pastor Ted!

Image via NY Daily News.

I’m Getting Excited for the New Season of SNL

Guess who’s going to be the opener for this year’s season of Saturday Night Live? Well, Alec Baldwin, which is appropriate, only because he’s done it forty-seven times or something like that, but the musical guest is going to be Radiohead. How off-the-hook is that? I just love Radiohead, and I especially love seeing them not in a huge venue that packs in 250k people all screaming and swaying and drinking and smoking and I can’t see a damn thing and then someone slips me something in something I shouldn’t be doing anyway and I have to spend a quarter of the show in the ladies’ room waiting for my unawareness that the world is both spinning and rotating to come back.

Yep. I’m looking forward to seeing Radiohead from the confines of my living room, because at least there, it is safe. Er. Ish.

SNL premieres this Saturday at 11:30 PM EST.

Did You Guys Watch the X-Factor Last Night?

photo of xfactor judges pictures photos usa 2011 pics

*Waving my arm around excitedly* Ooh, I did, I did! And I loved it! It had all of the fun that a once-loved show by the name of American Idol use to have, and I’m pleased and happy to say that I’ve found a new talent-scouting show to take its place. My life feels complete again, guys. Plus, the talent was amazing. Way more amazing than the that showcased on the first few episodes of Idol. I mean, did you see Stacy Francis, the 42-year-old mom? Holy Jesus, I almost fell off the bed. The bitch had me in tears.

And then there was, of course, the crazy, scary man dressed in some kind of weird track suit who exposed his decidedly floppy penis and made Paula (oh yes, PAULA ABDUL, friends) run to the toilet for a vom sesh.

Then there was Chris Rene, the last act of the night, who performed something called ‘Young Homie,’ and when I heard that he’d be singing something called ‘Young Homie,’ something that he wrote, I just about gagged. But I caught myself in judging before it was time, and listened anyway (not like I was going to shut the damn show off in the last ten minutes). And this guy? THIS GUY? Man. I’m not even going to spoil the guy’s story for you, because it’s pretty good, so I recommend you just watch the video, and the entire video at that.

Man. Right? RIGHT? Damn. He’s got me going all over again. I’ve got to go and take some Tylenol and wipe my eyes. I am a damn BASKET CASE today.

What stuck out to you guys as way memorable? Aside from Simon’s crazy-creepy puffer fish eyes, of course. Did you watch it? If so, what did you think? And more importantly, will you be tuning in again tonight?