Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Yup. This Is Still Happening.

Paris Hilton and Benji Madden at LA Fashion Week, Pictures, Photos

Paris and Benji hit up LA Fashion Week events after spending the day together at a spa in WeHo.

Seriously?

He looks like a Blues Brother.

You know Paris is not having sex with him. I’m sorry, call her a slut all you want, I guaran-fucking-tee you this chick does not go home at the end of the night and spread her legs for this dude. It just doesn’t happen.

Billy Crystal Is Playing for the Yankees

Billy Crystal Signs One-Day Contract with New York Yankees

Yeah, you read that right.

That Billy Crystal.

Those Yankees.

The New York Yankees have signed Crystal to a one-day minor league contract, and he’ll play in Thursday’s exhibition game against the Pittsburgh Pirates.

He’ll wear the number 60, as the game will take place a day before his 60th birthday.

“I’ve been waiting 50 years for this call,” Crystal said in a statement released by the team. “I’m overwhelmed by the generosity of the Yankees and commissioner Selig. I know this’ll be tougher than the Broadway Softball League, but I’m looking forward to helping the younger players, which by the way is all of them. Oops, I have to go, Scott Boras* is on the phone.”




* I imagine that most of the readers of this blog will, much like me, not understand what’s funny about that. Scott Boras, it turns out, is some hot-spot sports agent that reps a bunch of hot-shot baseball players. Ha ha.

Explain to Me Why I Care About Michael Lohan’s Girlfriend

Michael Lohan, Lindsay’s Dad, and Girlfriend Erin, Pictures, Photos

I’m engaging in my typical afternoon activity — flipping through paparazzi pics while eating Honey Nut Cheerios — and I come across these shots of Papa Lohan and his girlfriend Erin and I’m like, “Ooh! New pics of Erin! Yay!” And then I’m like, “Oh, God, did I really just think that?” This girl is like three steps removed from genuine celebrity. And yet, somehow, I care. I guess that’s why this is my job, right?

Little is known about the elusive Erin — she’s an insurance agent and a licensed esthetician (fancy-speak for “manicurist”), and the two met at a Long Island coffee bar, where they were both talking to the same pastor. Wow. Maybe that’s how I need to land a guy: talk to more pastors in coffee bars.

People like to talk a lot of shit about how Erin looks really young and looks just like Lindsay, but I call bullshit on all that. She looks much older than 21, and she doesn’t look a thing like Lindsay.

Okay. Back to my exciting life of Honey Nut Cheerios.

Michael Lohan, Lindsay’s Dad, and Girlfriend Erin, Pictures, Photos

Britney’s Actually Becoming a Caricature of Herself

Britney Spears Animated Cartoon Video for Break the Ice, Pictures, Photos

Since the regular doses of Lexapro and Ativan make it impossible for her to actually express emotion on her face, Britney’s found another way to be animated: her next video will be a cartoon.

Oh, genius, genius, genius!

The video for “Break the Ice” will be set in a futuristic world, with cartoon Britney depicted as some manner of superhero.

Sources say the cartoon video was Britney’s own idea, and I totally believe that. Her label probably woke her from her slumber with a 2 pm phone call all like, “Hey, Britney, you ready to discuss ideas for your next video?” and she was all like, “Yeah, here’s an idea: how about I’m not fucking in it. SOMEBODY BRING ME ANOTHER UNISOM!” and now her label’s all like, “Uh, Britney suggested we do a cartoon.”

Ahhhhhhhhhhh ha ha ha ha ha.

Anyway, enjoy some of the stills from the video.

Britney Spears Animated Cartoon Video for Break the Ice, Pictures, Photos Britney Spears Animated Cartoon Video for Break the Ice, Pictures, Photos

Jenna Jameson Wants You to Pleather Yourself

Jenna Jameson Pleather Yourself PETA Campaign, Pictures, Photos

Normally I’m not super impressed with PETA or their tactics, but this is one of those I-wish-I’d-thought-of-it-first campaigns.

PETA scored Jenna Jameson to star in their new Pleather Yourself campaign — the goal being, of course, to get people to move away from leather and towards pleather.

I swear Jenna is wearing butt padding in this photo. And her hair extensions now have their very own hair extensions. Seriously Jenna Jameson could wipe her padded little butt with those extensions. She looks pretty good, though, considering what she’s been looking like over the past year.

Can We Get Through One Freakin’ Season of American Idol Without a Nude Photo Scandal?

Amanda Overmyer Naked Nude Photos, Pictures

Here’s what I do:

When I’m dating some dude, and he’s all texting me like “Send me a picture of your pussy, baby,” I begin by sending him photos of my cats. Sometimes I dress up the cats to make them special for him; I put hats on them or scarves or necklaces or something. And I send it back with a little message like “My pussy is ready for you, hot stuff.”

And when he doesn’t find that funny, because he’s a total dirt-bag loser with no sense of humor because somehow that’s who I always end up dating, I send him the photos he’s looking for WITHOUT MY FACE IN THEM.

Why can no one else do this?

Sigh.

Someone’s shopping nude photos of Amanda Overmyer. Which, like, is cool and all, and I’m sure I’ll make a ton of money off them if they hit the web, but what I’m really looking for is the Brooke White nudes.

Oh, Lord, Please Say Ryan Seacrest’s Dating Holly Huddleston

Holly Huddleston from Olly Girls and Sunset Tan Secretly Dating Ryan Seacrest, Pictures, Photos

I know I have a habit of picking these random D-listers to fall in love with, but I absolutely adore Holly Huddleston, of “Olly Girls” fame. I love both of them. Holly and Molly. I just think they’re adorable and funny and cute and I want to put them in my pocket and have them jump out to say dumb things in a cute voice when I’m sad.

But here’s Hollywood’s best-kept secret: Holly’s actually quite bright. As is Ryan Seacrest.

And now word on the street is that they’ve been secretly dating for months.

InTouch Weekly is reporting that Holly’s been spotted cuddling with Ryan backstage at American Idol tapings.

Oh, oh, I hope this is true! They’d be really cute together, and it would extend Holly’s 15 minutes a little further. I want her to stick around!