Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Okay, I Think It’s About Time Someone Explained to My Ass Who These Jonas Brothers Are

Miley Cyrus Dating Jonas Brothers

The Great White Underage Hope, Miley Cyrus, has reportedly broken up with one of these Jonas Brothers kids. I guess they were secretly dating, and now they’re not-so-secretly breaking up.

I’ve been ignoring these kids for as long as they’ve been on the scene, because, you know, I’m too old and crotchety to care about dudes I can’t legally bang, but Miley is my hope for the future of this blog. If Lindsay stays sober, Paris stays pleasant and Britney dies, I need Miley to be fucking up. So I’ve started following her closely.

So who are these boys??? Why are they so famous??? Someone explain please.

And when is Wilmer Valderrama gonna step up and start dating Miley? Isn’t it, like, his whole job now to bang the underage starlets? DO YOUR THING, Wilmer!

Mess USA Tara Conner to Write a Book

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You know what the world really needs?

Another book about rehab.

Tara Conner’s stepped up to the task. She told Matt Lauer on the Today Show that she’ll be penning a book about her experience before, during, and after her rehab stay.

Tara’s been sober over a year now, since Donald Trump sentenced her to rehab after Miss Teen USA brutally sold her ass out for snorting coke on the job.

Congrats to Tara for staying sober for a year. Maybe I shouldn’t poke fun — here’s a Miss USA who’s very publicly setting a positive example for real girls with real problems. Way to go, Tara.

Oh, Yay! Meet Rev Run’s New Baby!!!

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I’m glad to say we’ve found the happiest possible ending to a very sad story.

Reverend Run and his wife, Justine, lost their biological baby last year when the baby was born with a rare congenital illness. However, they have since adopted an American baby, who they’ve named Miley Justine Simmons. She’s been with the family for three months, and she’s four months old now.

“The more you mourn, the more you want to mourn. I would have landed in depression,” Justine Simmons tells Us Weekly. “I wanted a girl really bad, and I knew I wasn’t going to try again.”

Congrats to the happy family!

Goin Goin Back Back to Cali Cali

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The Hilton clan left Hawaii on Wednesday to descend on an unsuspecting Los Angeles.

I have to say, though, Paris has been behaving herself nicely — I mean, in Paris terms — since her little jail stay.

Will this behavior continue into 2008?

Man, I hope not.

Seriously, with Lindsay staying sober and Paris staying out of trouble, I have just one thing to say: I AM EXPECTING BIG THINGS FROM YOU, MILEY CYRUS!! Get out there and DRINK, bitch!

Image via Splash