Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Lauren Conrad to the Rescue!

As annoying as LC is sometimes on The Hills, I kind of wish I always had a little Lauren Conrad in my pocket to dole out sensible advice. Like, I went on this blind date on Saturday night. And the guy’s a total creepball. I mean, he’s just so obviously lying about everything. He says he’s some big M&A guy for some private equity firm — although he also mentioned, at one point, that he ran a hedge fund — and he tells me he’s in Seattle working to close the Microsoft/Yahoo merger. And I’m like, “Oh, didn’t you get the memo that that merger fell through last week? It was, like, all over the news …” and he was like “It’s still going on, just under the radar. I probably shouldn’t even be telling you this,” and I’m like, “It’s okay, because I don’t believe you.” And he won’t let me see his car. And he has a $50 cell phone. And I tell him like eighteen times that I’m from Arizona and he keeps asking me where I’m from. And I mention like four times that I walked to the bar we met at, because it was like a mile from my house, and he keeps saying shit like “So where’d you park?” Unbelievable. And then he tells the waitress that I’m his girlfriend of four years. Like, total pathological liar creep.

But here’s the thing, you guys: he waaaay hot. Like, model-quality hot. Like, absolutely freakin’ gorgeous. And he wants to come back with me to my apartment and I find myself actually considering this. I mean, I’m completely aware that this guy is a loser asshole, but, come on, he’s hot! And all of a sudden I have a little LC in my ear like, “Beet, he doesn’t deserve you! You need to respect yourself! I mean, he totally lied!” And I’m like “You’re right, LC!” And I tell him I think I’m just going to go home alone. And then he emails me at 4 am like “I MISS YOU ALREADY!” and then he texts me on Sunday like “Happy mother’s day from Leo … ruff ruff!” which would have been insanely cute coming from a guy who wasn’t completely fucking crazy but from him I was just like “Leave my fucking dog out of your crazy!” and I’m like “OMG I am so glad I didn’t sleep with this psychopath.” So, thank you, voice of Lauren Conrad in my head.

What was the point of this story?

Oh, yeah.

So Lindsay Lohan was freaking out at an LA bar last night over a huge fight she’d had with girlfriend Samantha Ronson.

And who was there to console her?

Lauren Conrad, who comforted Lindsay as she sobbed.

LC should totally have her own daytime talk show. I’d watch that shit.

Girls Day Out!

A preggers Angie takes Zahara and Shiloh out for a lovely afternoon in France.

Little Shiloh has lots of hair now!

And you can already tell that Zahara’s going to be stunning when she grows up.

So adorable.

So jealous. I wanna take my super-cute little daughters on a shopping spree in France! Leo doesn’t like shopping. He pees on stuff.

Quotables

“Kim is a role model for 50-something women. Much has been made about her nudity in the film, but I think she looks fabulous … Anyone who knocks that is jealous. All this fuss about a bit of nudity is ridiculous.”

Kim Cattrall’s mom, age 79, discussing her daughter’s on-screen nudity.

Rock on, Mommy Cattrall!

I’m going to have a hot bod like Kim’s when I’m in my 50s, too. Wanna know what I bought today, you guys? Protein powder. Yeah, that’s right, I have one of those gigantic tubs of protein powder sitting in my kitchen now. And I’m still working with my (kick-ass) trainer twice a week, and trying to go on walks and do other physical activities on the off-days. So I am going to be totally buff and hot soon. But I’m really psyched about this protein powder. I feel like it makes me Miss Universe or something. I, like, wanna have people over just so they can see my protein powder. I’m gonna be like, “Well, this is the living room, this is the dog, this is the TV, this is the … oh, oh that? Oh, that’s nothing. That’s just my protein powder. No biggie. Yeah, I take physical fitness pretty seriously.” LOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!

HIMYM Producers Hint at Britney Three-peat

“She was better than the first time, and I think the fans will enjoy it because her return answers a larger mystery set up earlier in the series,” says the show’s co-creator, Craig Thomas. “So there’s a good plot reason why she’s there. And when people watch Britney’s second appearance on the show they’ll see that the door is still open for her to come back.”

How I Met Your Mother has retained its higher ratings since Britney’s original appearance in March, and, while the show was previously considered being axed, it’s now almost guaranteed to return next season.

Britney saved the day!

Yay, Britney!

So I’m Not Allowed to Run the Photos of Megan Fox Topless

Update: Image removed upon request.

Sigh.

I’m in trouble again.

They won’t even tell me why, just that I’m in trouble again, because they can’t sell ads on my website, because of all the damn porn.

I’m always in trouble. I am thisclose to just saying “fuck it” and pulling a Perez and just funding this site through Blogads, so I don’t have to deal with anything even remotely resembling censorship.

So I was like “Does this mean I can’t run the photos of Megan Fox topless today?” And they were like “That is what it means.”

But it’s okay, because her nipples are covered with pasties in the uncensored versions, so you’re not missing anything anyway.

This one has a nice camel toe.

And I love that even gorgeous Megan Fox has a little tiny bit of tummy fat popping out over her bikini bottom. Makes me feel better about myself. Tummy fat is the new ana!