Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Zachery Ty Bryant Tasered at Hotel

OMG you guys.

It’s almost 5 am and I still can’t sleep.

I think it has something to do with the fact that I slept most of the day on Monday, but I can’t be sure of that. And the bummer about Seattle is that the days are super-long — meaning the sun is already coming up. The birds will start chirping soon and I will have to remind myself that I have, in fact, not done cocaine in a really, really long time, let alone last night. But the whole experience will perturb me exceptionally.

Anyway, I’m sure well-rested me would have a TON of funny things to say about the fact that former Home Improvement child star Zachery Ty Bryant is suing a San Diego hotel for tasering him when he drunkenly attacked the staff because they wouldn’t let him up to his hotel room because the room was in his wife’s name. Zach is suing for damages in excess of $25,000. Unfortunately, tired and soon-to-be perturbed me has nothing more to say than this: Honestly, Zach, do you need the money bad enough that it’s worth 8000 gossip bloggers and tabloids making fun of you for the next week? Is it worth having the fact that you got shit-faced drunk and acted like a huge boner broadcast to the world? Do you plan to grant exclusive interviews to OK! magazine now? Is this really what it’s come to?

Honestly, you would never see this kind of bullshit out of Jonathan Taylor Thomas.

Also: Zachery Ty Bryant is hot now. I’d do him.

Now you guys be funny about this in the comments while I go to bed.

I Bet You Wish You’d Thought of This First: The U.S. Government Has the Patent on Weed

I’m not kidding.

Despite the fact that the U.S. federal government refuses to admit to the medicinal uses of marijuana, they have owned the patent on medicinal uses of marijuana since 2003.

Applied for in 2001!

Here’s part of the abstract:

US Patent 6630507 – Cannabinoids as antioxidants and neuroprotectants

Cannabinoids have been found to have antioxidant properties, unrelated to NMDA receptor antagonism. This new found property makes cannabinoids useful in the treatment and prophylaxis of wide variety of oxidation associated diseases, such as ischemic, age-related, inflammatory and autoimmune diseases. The cannabinoids are found to have particular application as neuroprotectants, for example in limiting neurological damage following ischemic insults, such as stroke and trauma, or in the treatment of neurodegenerative diseases, such as Alzheimer’s disease, Parkinson’s disease and HIV dementia. Nonpsychoactive cannabinoids, such as cannabidoil, are particularly advantageous to use because they avoid toxicity that is encountered with psychoactive cannabinoids at high doses useful in the method of the present invention. A particular disclosed class of cannabinoids useful as neuroprotective antioxidants is formula (I) wherein the R group is independently selected from the group consisting of H, CH3, and COCH3.

The assignee?

The United States of America as represented by the Department of Health and Human Services.

Just for fun, here’s the 2006 FDA memo about how marijuana has “no currently accepted medical use in treatment in the United States.”

Hm. Hit the pipe and think on that one, kids.

Full patent is viewable here.

Oh, and just to be a huge asshole, I’d like to note that the term “new found” in the second sentence of their abstract is a grammatical error. The word should be “newfound” or “new-found.”

Shut up, government.

Thanks Mary!

Matthew McConaughey’s a Daddy!

With the amount of time Matthew spends shirtless, the poor kid’s not going to know whose nipple to suck on.

He’s also probably going to know how to surf before he knows how to walk.

Camila Alves gave birth to a healthy baby boy on Monday evening.

Says Matty in a statement:

“A healthy baby boy was born. Camila and I were side by side the entire time. We are both tired and elated, and are so happy to have created the greatest miracle in the world — Having a child and making a family. Now comes the greatest adventure — raising one, together.”

The name of the little kiddo hasn’t been released.

Congrats, you crazy kids!

My Brief Bitch Session

Okay, so I have to tell you guys this story.

When I was in New York City with my sister, we got spray tans. I think I mentioned this previously. We were just wandering around the West Village, and we saw this spray tan place called Color Tanning, and I was like, “Ooh, let’s get spray tans!”

We went inside and talked to the girl there, and she said it would be $90 each for the spray tans. Now, that was pretty steep, but I figured, hey, we’re in New York, and this would be a fun thing to do with my little sister. So I said okay, sure, let’s go for it.

So we get our spray tans, and we look damn good, not too orange, and I generally feel it’s worth the money. Plus the girl gives us these little kits of lotions for our face and bodies, and the lotions are awesome, and it’s all good.

Today, I check my credit card bill online, and Color Tanning has charged me for over $450. I figure there must be some mistake, so I call them up to explain the situation. I talked to the same girl who did our spray tans, and she was like, “Oh, well the tans were $90 and the lotion kits were $120.” I was like “WHAT???” There was NO FREAKING MENTION of those lotion kits costing me ANYTHING. She gave them to use like they were freebies that came along with a $90 freaking tan! Absolutely NO HINT that the fucking lotion kits cost MORE THAN THE TAN. I mean, in fairness, I guess I did sign the credit card receipt without looking too carefully, but still. That shit should be illegal. You should have to tell people when you’re selling them something and not act like it’s free so that you can get a commission on it.

I called my sister to tell her about it, and to warn her not to spill a drop of this precious, precious lotion, and she was like “You should report her to the Better Business Bureau!” And I was like, “Eh, that’s too much work,” and then she was like, “You know what? You should BLOG about it!” And I was like, “Oooh, I like that idea much better.”

So anyway.




Who’s Been Entrusted with David Banda?

Before I begin, I would just like to take a minute to express my sincere admiration for the American paparazzi. When Madonna and her clan are in London, we get a good photo of the kids maybe once a month, usually even less often. It’s almost like the British photographers respect the private lives of her underage offspring. Here in the U.S., we are burdened by no such scruples. Since the Madge Clan has been in NYC, there are like 18,000 new photos of these kids on assorted photo services every single day. Every other photo set is “Lourdes This” or “Rocco That.” (And I’ll note that many of these photo services are actually based in England, so it’s not like they don’t have a presence in London.)

Now, this may be due to the heightened interest in Madonna because of the divorce rumors, but somehow I doubt that. I think American paparazzi are just a little more dedicated than their British counterparts. And they say we’re falling behind the other nations … maybe in math and science, but not in the things that count. Persistence. To the total disregard of all other people. That’s what America’s all about.

Anyway, time for you to guess which celeb is escorting David Banda and his nanny back to Madonna’s NYC pad.

Hint: It’s not Madonna.

Answer is after the jump.

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Shut Up Bill O’Reilly

Ugh. Normally I’m all about trashing Rosie O’Donnell, except when Bill O’Reilly is trashing Rosie O’Donnell, and then I’m all Team Rosie. O’kay?

And who the fuck calls anyone a “pinhead” these days? Are you gonna give her a “knuckle sandwich,” too, Bill? Show her what for? Stupid Bill. The 1950s called. They want their opinions back.

Trying the Winged Look!

Anne Hathaway probably wishes she could just fly away.

As her ex-boyfriend’s legal troubles mount, and it looks more likely that Anne will have to testify at his trial, Anne hit up Rome for the premiere of Get Smart (aka Agente Smart, apparently, which is a total downgrade from Mexico’s Super Agente 86) sporting the winged eyeliner look. We haven’t seen it on a lot of celebs lately.

What do you guys think? Good or bad look for Anne?