Today's Evil Beet Gossip

She’s Coming Home!

Abercrombie & Fitch shorts? Walmart bag? Yup, someone’s been in Louisiana.

Here’s Britney boarding a private plane in Mississippi, heading back to LA after spending the weekend in Kentwood at her little sister’s baby shower.

This gives me even more hope that Britney will be showing up, in person and sober, to her custody hearing on Tuesday. Oh please, please be there, Britney!

I was walking Leo this afternoon with a girlfriend, and she was telling me about how her eight-year-old niece has a birthday next week, so she called her up to ask her what she wanted. And the eight-year-old was like, “A gift certificate.” And my friend was like, “Um … okay. To where?” And she was like “Abercrombie & Fitch.” Which is so amazing to me, because when I was eight years old I wanted, like, a pony that could sing and Rollerblades. The only brand I knew was Hypercolor. Kids are so much more mature these days. And by “mature” I of course mean “brainwashed by the media.” I swear by the time I have a kid it’s gonna come out of my vagina demanding Fendi diapers. And it’s gonna be, like, pissed if it’s not born at Cedars-Sinai, because that’s where all the cool babies are born.

[Image via Splash]

Where’s John?

After spending last weekend cuddling with John Mayer all over Miami, Jennifer Aniston spent this weekend a little more low-key, chilling with friends by the pool at her hotel.

Homegirl sure is looking good these days. I like Jen because her body is natural, womanly and not stick-thin, but by no means fat. She doesn’t seem interested in starving herself, she’s just content to look like, ya know, a healthy adult woman.

[Image via Splash]

The Camera Adds Ten Wigs

Exactly how many hair extensions does Mischa Barton have in? And what are they made of? Yarn?

Horrible, horrible.

Her face is so pretty, though. I’ll give her that. But that’s God-given. Mischa paid for her hair to look like that.

At the Broadway premiere of Boeing Boeing.

Puppetry of the Penis!

Tonight Trish and I went to see Puppetry of the Penis here in Seattle. And, first off, I would like to give mad props to Trish for being the only one of my so-called “friends” out here to agree to go with me. She was, in fact, the only one to even return my email about it. My other “friends” in Seattle are loooosers (makes L-shape with hand on forehead).

If you guys have never heard of Puppetry of the Penis, it is basically just these two Australian dudes butt-naked on stage making shapes out of their penises. It’s like the clown who makes balloon animals, but with a cock and balls. It was truly phenomenal. I desperately wished I had a penis so I could go home and try some of these things. I mean, I knew penises were fun, but I had no idea how much fun! They did a baby bird, a hamburger, a windsail, a pelican, a hot dog, a bullfrog, the Eiffel Tower, a sea anemone (!) and many, many more. There were basically no props at all. Just two dudes and their penises and nutsacks. Amazing. If you haven’t seen it, I highly recommend you go if it comes to your city.

Before the show, Trish and I were like “I wonder if there’ll be any dudes.” I figured maybe a handful of gay dudes and a handful of really, really embarrassed straight dudes who got dragged there with their wives. But I was wrong! There were tons of guys there! Straight guys, too! Some with their significant others, some just with a buddy. And they totally didn’t seem embarrassed or sheepish or anything. They were just like “Bring on the penis shapes!” Soooo wonderful.

The funniest thing, though, is that as Trish and I were taking our seats, we noticed two women leading their husbands into the theater in blindfolds. We started cracking up immediately, like, “Oh my God these guys totally don’t know they’re going to a penis show!” And they were sitting front row!!! Ahhhhhhhh ha ha ha ha ha! I snapped a picture:

Once the show started, though, the blindfolds came off and the guys were really good sports about it. Which was great of them, but I was kind of hoping they’d throw a fit and storm out. Oh well.

Anyway, I sure do know what every guy on my Christmas list is getting this year: this.

Jamie-Lynn’s Baby Shower a Drama-Free Event

No upskirts. No alcohol. And, so far, no reports of insider photos being shopped out to the tabloids.

On Saturday, JLS had her baby shower at the family’s Serenity complex in Louisiana.

We’ve got conflicting reports of the attendees from different sources. E! says that there were both men and women, most teenaged and early twenties, while People magazine says it was an all-girl affair, with Casey Aldridge’s mom present as well as Lynne and Britney Spears. In typical Louisiana style, there was lots of fried chicken and chili. I’m on a stupid get-healthy diet right now, so fried chicken sounds amazing. I am so tired of cottage cheese and yogurt. And this is only, like, day six of what is supposed to be a life-long love affair with healthy eating. Sigh. I want a Whopper. And it’s so funny because, like, I’m eating all this healthy food, but I’m eating a TON of it, which kind of cancels out the healthy. Like I made these healthy little vegetarian burritos for myself last night, and then ate like four of them when I only meant to eat one a day for dinner for the rest of the week. I’m already out of burritos. They were supposed to last until Wednesday. Sad face.

Anyway, there were police guards posted at the gate of the party, checking IDs, but apparently they didn’t encounter any problems, and a good time was had by all. There were tons of paparazzi helicopters outside, so most of the guests stayed indoors.

Is it possible Jamie-Lynn is actually trying to have a low-key, normal pregnancy and — gasp! — a low-key, normal life? Can she pull it off?

Look Who’s Helping!

Here’s Reese Witherspoon, an Avon Global Ambassador (whatever that means) joining participants at the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer event in DC.

Meanwhile, Leo and I spent the afternoon at his very first day of school! That’s right: puppy kindergarten! Leo was the smallest kid in his class by about 15 pounds, I think. The other puppies were a little more experienced, but Leo learned to sit and come, so I was very proud of him. He has still not learned how to avoid peeing on the floor, because he did that, too. And while all the other puppies were okay with staying tethered while their owners walked away, little Leo had a conniption fit. And I know that for his own good I need to teach him to be okay without me, but it’s really rather endearing. I like being needed by my puppy! But I know it will just be bad for him in the long run, so we’re trying to teach him not to freak out about being left alone.

I took some video of him running in circles with a little long-haired chihuahua (who was in the earlier class designed specially for small puppies, which we will be attending in the future), so I’ll put that up on YouTube later.