Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Casting Call!

Hey, guess what’s never going to work in America?

HUMAN TETRIS!!

But they’re casting for it!

The TV phenomenon sweeping the world is making its way to America!! This project is the most downloaded Japanese game ever on the net. Now FremantleMedia (producers of American Idol, America’s Got Talent, and The Price Is Right) along with a major American television network are looking for trios (friends, co-workers, spouses, etc.) to take part in one of the most outrageous, funny, and challenging game shows ever seen on television.

$$$$$ 50,000 in Cash & Prizes $$$$

In order to apply you must assemble a team of 3 people. They can be anyone in your life (co-workers, friends, family, etc). We are looking for men and women 18 years old and up of all shapes and sizes. The more VISUALLY DIVERSE the better. All teams must be either ALL Female OR ALL Male!

To submit online please send 1 current photograph of you and your teammates, a brief explanation of how you all know each other, along with your contact information

Jesus Lord, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but Americans are way too smart for this!

It’ll never work. (Please, America, don’t let this work. Prove me right here. I mean, I’m all about Tetris, but seriously … let it remain a video game. You want $50K? GO TO COLLEGE!)

And, in case anyone forgot how amazing the original Tetris was, here’s the theme song, played on soda bottles, because Americans can achieve anything they set their minds to.

Ali Lohan on David Letterman!

You can take the girl out of Long Island, but you can’t take the Long Island out of the girl!

Ali Lohan made her appearance on David Letterman on Tuesday night. I thought I’d have to wait until Wednesday morning to bring this to you, but the folks at RedLasso (who I hate considerably less now that their Flash code doesn’t crash my website) got it to my inbox tonight. Thanks, guys! I’m done talking shit about you for at least a week now!

I think when this show airs we should all play a drinking game. It goes like this: Whenever someone says “We’re just like a normal family,” you take shot. Guaranteed to get you wasted!

Be sure to stick around until the very end, when Letterman calls Ali “Lindsay Lohan.” Ha ha ha ha ha!

Congrats to Kristi Yamaguchi!

After totally blowing the Olympics year after year, Kristi Yamaguchi finally took home the gold: on Dancing with the Stars.

The figure skater was named the winner of the hit TV show on Tuesday night.

Shit, dude, I don’t understand how she even qualified for this show. She’s a freakin’ figure skater. That’s like being a professional dancer, except ten times harder! Of course she won! What, Adam Corolla was gonna beat her with his triple-axel Britney Spears joke?

I think not.

Congrats, Kristi!

You never know what life has in store, baby …

Update: I’m a moron. Kristi won Olympic gold in 1992. Research is hard and I am lazy. You would be, too, if your job description was “Be mean to pretty people.” Thanks to those of you who pointed out my error, and I still consider it bullshit that she was allowed to compete on this show. Of couse she was going to win. I still maintain that Olympic figure skating is way harder than dancing. Not that I’m a good dancer. But still …

Who Should Madelyn Gosselin Date?

You guys were very interested in my post on Jon & Kate Plus Eight. And I have to say I read every single comment, and was SO excited to have other people weigh in on this show. I love you guys so much! You always make my day.

In addition to the comments, I got lots of emails, and a lot of you mentioned that Madelyn Gosselin is a holy terror. Honestly, she reminds me a lot of myself at the age of seven (my mother will confirm this). Oh, who am I kidding, she reminds me a lot of myself now. She’s such a superstar.

But several of you mentioned in emails that Madelyn is the kind of character who will end up on my website one of these days.

Nothing would please me more!!!

So … how is Madelyn going to end up on my website?

She’s seven years old. So, she could date Celine Dion’s little boy; he’s seven. Maddox Jolie-Pitt is almost seven, so he’s fair game, too. Or will she end up being partners in crime with Apple Martin, flipping their hair on red carpets across the world? Perhaps she and Cara will totally rebel and do their own reality TV show?

Give me your opinions!

Memo to Hayden Panettiere: Less Dolphins, More Grey Goose

Honestly, Hayden, if you have to be obsessed with marine life, at least make sure it’s related to liquor.

This is the freakin’ last time I am going to cover you and your damn whales, Hayden. After this, you’d better come up with something better to get publicity. Like get pregnant or drive drunk or something. This shit is boring.

On Wednesday, Hayden Panettiere will put two whale-related items up for bids on eBay to support SaveTheWhalesAgain.com. I think the name says it all. Save the whales? Again? Didn’t we already do this in the nineties?

One item is a fundraising dinner at Eva Longoria’s restaurant, Beso. It will include a personal photo op with Hayden. The other is a private whale-watching tour with Hayden off the coast of Santa Barbara.

Booooooooooooooring!

Listen, Hayden, get your cute ass pregnant or drunk or I am putting a freakin’ ban on any and all Hayden Panettiere coverage around here.

Whales are great, sweetheart, but have you noticed that you’re 18 now? You can let your hair down, baby. Get into some trouble. Seduce Brad Pitt. It’s all fair game. You’re hot. Are you going to let some 15-year-old Disney bitch steal your spotlight? You can be anything you want to be. Call up Annie Leibovitz and get your ass naked on the cover of Vanity Fair. Nothing’s stopping you!

Someone get this girl a shot!

Your Daily Britney

Look who’s back home!

Britney shows off her shiny new Costa Rican sunburn as she dines at Il Sole in Los Angeles. Why worry about skin cancer when you smoke a pack a day? (I know, I know, I shouldn’t talk.)

What in God’s name is she wearing?

And she totally bargained that purse out of a street vendor in Costa Rica. Because if that thing cost more than $10, I’ll be very disappointed in her negotiation skills.