Hm. Just when I thought Lea Michele was doing alright with her fashion choices (and not so much with her love interests), she went and pulled this shit out of some bargain basement closet shop that’s known for catering to the likes of young Blanche Devereauxs. Normally that’d be OK, but this outfit just makes Lea look shapeless and gawky, kind of like a little girl playing dress-up in her grandma’s moth-ball-smelling closet. The color is decent, and it’s a good fit for her skin tone, but the rest? Good heavens. Someone call the … I don’t know. Someone.

Also, what is with her face? I realize that Lea is artsy and likes to make dramatic faces in order to express herself instead of making the normal decision to wear meat dresses or marry “reformed” drug-and-sex addicts. You’d think that Lea’d be trying to learn from her peers, not continually make the same mistakes. That face? Is frightening. I’m not SAYING that you went and got Botox, because you’re what, twenty-five or something and have naturally youthful-looking, dewy skin and it’d be a mega-mistake for you to go f-cking with that, but the expression? Well, it screams “Botox! and I don’t think you want to do any more false advertising than you already have, girl.

Sorry, Lea. You’ve been growing on me lately – you really have! – and I know that’s probably hard to swallow for you and everyone else reading. But this dress and this face go together like spam and Beaujolais, and I’m not going to say which one is “spam,” ’cause I don’t feel like being so rude out the gate first thing on a Monday morning, honey.

I have already gone on and on about how sad the Katy Perry/Russell Brand split is. It is so depressing.

This bears repeating, though: I think the couple is crazy-in-love with each other. Whatever ongoing fight they are in is so stupid.

But this? This is so much worse. The UK Mirror has the deets:

In a bizarre twist of events [Russell Brand,] the Brit comic, 36, has been mysteriously uninvited from a star-studded awards show to avoid a confrontation with estranged wife Katy.

Katy, 27, is collecting a gong for her hit album, singles and tour at the People’s Choice Awards in LA on January 11 where she’s up for seven awards, including Favourite Female Artist.

It will be her first official job since Russ filed for divorce after just 14 months together and both her and Russell had initially been invited.

A source said: “It will be Katy’s big night, a prelude to the Grammys, and now Russell has been strangely left off the list of attendees for the high-profile event.

“It was always going to be awkward for organisers in any case after their shock decision to split. But in order to avoid any awkwardness or confrontation Russ is no longer on the list.”

This. Is. So Awkward. Seriously. This whole thing used to be depressing; now, on top of being depressing, it is awkward! This has become high school crap. What is even going on, here?

I mean, how is disinviting somebody’s still-husband less awkward than simply letting the two people organically run into each other? People, am I wrong?

Today is a very special day for me. No, for the world. And do you know why it’s such a special, wonderful, glorious day? It’s because on this day, 65 years ago, David Bowie was born. On this day in 1947, the universe gave us the most beautiful gift we could have ever hoped to receive. And it would be a crime not to celebrate that.

It’s hard for me to describe what David Bowie means to me, because really, it’s just so much. I had some rough times growing up. I’m not talking some horrendous abuse or anything like that, thank goodness, I’m talking more like getting pushed in the dirt on the playground because of my lazy eye or hearing my parents fight over and over because they found weed in my brother’s room and they didn’t know what to do about it. But, as I’m sure some of you have been able to gather, I’m a sensitive person, and those were my issues, and they bothered me a lot. But no matter what the kids said to me at school and no matter what family issues I was having, I could always put in my trusty VHS copy of Labyrinth and have a good time.

I used to pretend that the Goblin King came to take me away, and that my backyard was the labyrinth. When I went with my mom to the grocery store, I was pretending that I was riding into the Goblin City. Then, a few years later when high school and hormones and becoming a teenager absolutely kicked my ass, when every kid called me a nerd or a bookworm or fat or gross or worthless, I had Ziggy Stardust and Aladdin Sane to keep me company. And, you guys, they were such good company.

That’s why I like to celebrate today, at least a little. Where the country dedicates holidays to figures who were so important to the people as a whole, I like to acknowledge the people who have been so important to me as an individual. And David Bowie is definitely, definitely someone important.

Now let’s celebrate through song!

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I know, you’ve already heard two different stories about babies today, but look. After all the nonsense surrounding Beyonce and little Miss Blue, it’s time to cleanse our souls, don’t you think? It’s time to appreciate something that isn’t shrouded in secrecy and weirdness and lies. And you guys, there is no one better to cleanse souls and to make you smile like pregnant Jessica Simpson.

She’s just SO CUTE! Her gigantic bump, her gigantic boobs, her gigantic smile! If anybody ever had a doubt as to what that glow everyone talks about when they talk about pregnant ladies, I think you can just take a gander at Jessica Simpson and you’ll be able to figure it out. She just looks so happy and so lovely these days that you can’t help but be happy for her.

Oh, speaking of her gigantic bump, do you remember when Jessica was so obviously pregnant but not talking about it? Back towards the end of October, we all thought that Jessica had to be around six months along, which would mean that, by our estimations, she would give birth sometime around the end of this month. And judging by these pictures, that seems totally accurate, right?

Not so much, actually. Jess did an interview recently, and here’s what she had to say about her pregnancy:

“I feel great. The pregnancy’s going great. I’m just waddling around now. We’re not saying the due date but it’s in the spring so it’s coming. I do want to be surprised [on the gender but], we’ve gone through all different kinds of names but we’re pretty much set on our name so we’ll see what happens.”

What? I know that this isn’t the first time she’s mentioned that she’s due in the spring, but … look at the pictures! She seriously has months to go?! What is she pregnant with, triplets? How is this possible? I can’t, I just can’t.

Also, how unfortunate is it for Beyonce that Jessica is pregnant during the same time she was pretending to be pregnant? Sometimes I think that the pillow Beyonce’s stuffed under her shirt sometimes would never have gotten as much attention as it did if Jessica Simpson hadn’t been so clearly and beautifully pregnant too. Like, if there was no other celebrity that the media loved to gossip about who Beyonce could have been compared to, things would have gone so much more smoothly and believably. But then I realize that Beyonce’s baby bump was so ridiculous that there’s no way it could have gone unnoticed.

But this isn’t about Beyonce! This is about how unbelievably darling Jessica Simpson is these days. It’s also about speculating just how many babies she’s got in there. Because seriously, how many babies does she have in there?!

Since the wee hours of this morning when I brought you the miraculous news that the child of Beyonce is finally among us, a lot has happened. Actually, not much has happened, but we know quite a bit more about things. Are you ready? Let’s dive in.

First of all, remember when I couldn’t say for sure if the little girl’s name is Ivy Blue or Blue Ivy? I’m now pretty certain that the baby’s name is Blue Ivy Carter. My certainty comes from a tweet by Gwyneth Paltrow:

Welcome to the world Blue! We love you already.

But why Blue Ivy, you might be wondering? Why name a baby Blue (LOL)? Well, somebody’s already broken that down for us as well:

The number “4″ and color “blue” play an important role in the baby’s name. Let’s start with “4,” the lucky number for Beyonce (at least the singer likes to think that). She even named her fourth studio album “4.” Also, “Iv” in the name denotes the roman numeral “4.” Sounds interesting? Well there’s more.

“We all have special numbers in our lives, and 4 is that for me. It’s the day I was born. My mother’s birthday, and a lot of my friends’ birthdays, are on the fourth; April 4 is my wedding date,” she told Billboard. In addition, it’s also husband Jay-Z’s birthdate (Dec. 4).

Now let’s come to “Blue.” It is hip-hop hubby Jay-Z’s favorite color. He called his sixth studio album “Blueprint.” Thus, the baby girl gets the touch of the favorites of her mom and dad.

That’s sweet, I reckon.  Sweet enough to make up for naming your child Blue?  At this point, who knows?

But what about the birth itself? We don’t really know all the much, because Beyonce got that hospital locked down in preparation for the delivery. Bey did not want anyone to catch a glimpse of her surrogate, and they made damn sure that no one did:

A very pregnant Beyoncé had checked into the upper East Side hospital on Friday night under the name “Ingrid Jackson,” a hospital staffer told the Daily News.

Beyoncé and her hip-hop hubby, whose real name is Shawn Carter, rented out the hospital’s entire fourth floor for $1.3 million, the employee said.

On Saturday night, people were seen bringing bags of takeout and a dozen bottles of red wine onto the heavily guarded hospital wing.

After 11 p.m., even doctors and nurses were barred from entering the fourth floor, prompting one doc to complain that he had patients to see.

In an effort to keep images from leaking to the public, hospital workers placed tape over security cameras and are forcing employees to turn in cell phones when they arrive for their shifts, a source said.

Ok, I know that these are really private people, and with such a high profile pregnancy, it would be understandable to be worried about paparazzi or people creeping to get a picture of your baby. But this sounds a bit excessive, doesn’t it? Renting out an entire floor of a hospital so you can completely ensure your privacy? Don’t hospitals typically use all their floors for, like, patients and stuff? And wouldn’t covering up security cameras be a little dangerous? SO MANY QUESTIONS!

Take some time to mull all this over, then, if you can, get back to me. I think we can come up with some good stuff together, guys, I really do.

As you might be able to tell by the photo above (from TMZ, by the way), this celebrity that you’re trying to guess lives without regrets. This celebrity may or may not have done a lot of things that most people would find somewhat reckless or dangerous or just plain stupid, but hey, we’re living without regrets here, ok? So take your judgement someplace else while we get sweet tattoos on our hands.

It’s going to be hard to give you any hints without completely giving away the celebrity in question, but I’ll give it a go. Let’s see … meth. That’s your hint. “Meth.”

Oh God, I just gave it away, didn’t I?

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