Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Let’s Let Daniel Radcliffe Hold Our Hands Through The End of Harry Potter

A photo of Daniel Radcliffe

The end is almost here, you guys. Can you believe it? After so many years of wonderful adventures and so many different rollercoasters of emotion (why, no, I am still not ok with what happened to Sirius), in less than two weeks, it’s going to be over. And Daniel Radcliffe, sweetheart that he is, is willing to give almost pointless interviews to ease the pain. Here are some quotes from The Boy Who Lived himself:

On his whole Potter experience: “I feel like It’s been a huge learning curve and I’ve been fortunate enough to work with some of the best actors in the world,” Radcliffe said. “I feel like to a certain extent that I’ve been in the best film/drama school that anyone could wish for because there’s no better way to learn something than by doing it.”

On the upcoming movie: “I was actually really pleased,” Radcliffe said with a smile. “I was very nervous going in because had I not been pleased then I probably would’ve been in a downward spiral and I probably wouldn’t have been able to enjoy it as much. But thankfully I was just delighted and so proud, and it’s a very good film. I do think Alan Rickman gives the film performance of his career in this movie.”

On Ron and Hermione’s kiss: “What’s nice is that it’s there but it’s not lingered on,” Radcliffe said. “I’m sure Ron and Hermione will get a big applause from the audience, and they should, they’ve been waiting long enough to see that happen. But what’s lovely is the part after they break up and start laughing, I can see that it’s just Rupert and Emma.”

On being a hero: “I think for a while I took for granted that I was playing an action hero,” Radcliffe said. “I’ve had to remind myself that it’s not very often in an actor’s career that you get to play action heroes, and there was a moment on the second film that I got to burst through the water into a ring of fire, and I actually did that. And I thought, if my career continues for another hundred years, I probably won’t get to do that. So, that was pretty cool.”

This is going to be a hard movie, isn’t it? I’m starting to accept that fully. For instance, my BFF and I were going to go alone, as a sort of ceremonial thing (we’ve seen every movie but the first together at midnight, isn’t that darling?), but we decided to bring along a couple of boys, mostly because it’ll be fun to have a big dress-up party beforehand (I think we’re doing James and Lily and Narcissa and Lucius, which will be adorable), but partly so we can have designated drivers so we can sit in the backseat and hold each other while we sob uncontrollably.

Do you guys have any neat plans for the premiere? Do you think you’ll handle it more gracefully than I will?

Geri Halliwell Is Slowly Morphing into A Mermaid

A photo of Geri Halliwell

I know what you’re thinking: “oh, another gallery of Geri Halliwell in a bikini, I get to see some nipples today!” Well, perv, there will be no Ginger Spice nipple action happening on this day, but you get something even better. You get a far-fetched theory involving magic and sea creatures. And really, which one sounds better?

Ok, see, some people might think that since there’s photo after photo of Geri Halliwell playing in the water and rocking bikinis, she must be on vacation. But I say “nay,” for I believe that there are mystical forces in this world that Geri has tapped into, and that she’s using that power to achieve her dream of living out the rest of her days under the sea. The lovely red hair, the steady decrease in relevance – add it all up and it’s clear. We have but a few more precious moments to observe Geri in our world before she descends into the ocean to be where she belongs.

Or, you know, have some pictures of Geri Halliwell looking hot in some swimwear. Whichever.

Andrew Keegan Will Listen to His Music As Loud As He Wants

A photo of Andrew Keegan

Andrew Keegan – you guys know Andrew Keegan.  He was the guy in 10 Things I Hate About You who wasn’t Heath Ledger or Joseph Gordon-Levitt. He was also on 7th Heaven, and one of my favorite ridiculous movies, A Midsummer Night’s Rave.  I also could have absolutely sworn that he was in the first episode of Buffy, but it turns out that that’s Eric Balfour, who, in my defense, does look a bit similar. So we’re all caught up on Andrew Keegan then? Good, because if you’re not, then he’s tough enough to make you sorry.

See, this weekend, Andrew had a little party at his house, and everybody was jammin’ pretty good, you know, having a good ol’ time. That is, until some total square called the cops because the music was a little too loud. Andrew wasn’t about to stop his groove, and you know what that means – taser!

This is where things get a little shady in the story.  Witnesses said that Andrew got “very aggressive,” which earned him a healthy little dose of electricity, but police are saying that nobody got arrested and definitely nobody got tasered.

I think this sounds like a little bit of a cover up, but why cover up roughing up some douchebag who hasn’t been relevant for the past decade, you know?  Don’t get me wrong, if there was some excessive violence, that’s certainly not right, but like, this is Andrew Keegan. Don’t make a big deal, and there won’t be a big deal.

Ke$ha Loves America, What About You?!

A photo of Ke$ha

If I can think of a single image that our forefathers would be proud to see as a representation of all their hard work, it would be this photo of Ke$ha in torn fishnets, a ripped American flag shirt, and a look of patriotism on her face the likes of which I’ve never seen before. I just know that on this very day, 235 years ago, when Thomas Jefferson was gazing proudly upon the Declaration of Independence, he also had just a sliver of pride in his heart for the future of this great land.

I bet that our girl Ke$ha is celebrating this fine Independence Day out in the sun with her BFF, Jack Daniels with a good old-fashioned money shot to close out the day, so, as I’m sure Thomas Jefferson would have wanted, I wish the very same to you!

#TeamSheen Hires a Summer Intern

Team Sheen internship ad

In March, Charlie Sheen launched a campaign to hire a “social media intern” who could further the Tiger Blood brand and hone Sheen’s Violent Torpedo of Truth. RumorFix reports that a pool of 82,149 applicants vied for the paid summer internship. And the position has just been filled!

In round three of the application process, one of the questions competitors could answer was, “If you were the Social Media Director for a major humanitarian aid organization, how would you create awareness and raise money via social media in the aftermath of a global disaster?”

Here’s oddly-stoic, totally overqualified Josh Burnstein of Tulsa, who answered that question with his #winning video application:

Jesse James Is Totally Cool, You Guys

Jesse James poses with the love of his life, Jesse James

I woke up last night in a cold sweat. I sat up in the pitch-black darkness, pressing my clammy fingers against my damp brow. I dabbed at my forehead with the sheet—Egyptian Pima, 300-count—as I tried to catch my breath. Oh! Oh, God! I thought to myself. Oh, God! I hope Jesse James is okay.

I needn’t have worried! According to the NY Daily News, Jesse James phoned into Australia’s Kyle and Jackie O Show, as part of his American Outlaw promotional rounds, and assured the radio hosts he is doing just fine:

When asked whether or not he forgave himself for cheating on Bullock with reportedly seven women over the course of their marriage, James, 42, replied, “Oh yeah. I’m cool.”

Wow. Jesse James is so strong. It must take an entire catalogue of moral virtues—like acceptance, mercy, resilience, and emotional generosity—to be able to forgive himself so quickly, and with such certainty!

James also said,

Yes, I cheated on my wife, but so do a lot of other people. Does that mean I’m the devil? Or that I’m Satan? I don’t think so. I made a mistake and I’m sorry for it, but I owned up to it.

Something about that quote rings jarringly familiar…! Ah, yes. From May of this year: “I never shied away from anything I did. I took full responsibility. I cheated on my wife. Guess what? So do millions of other men.”

Oh, Jesse James! If only everyone else could stop self-flagellating over itty-bitty mistakes and learn, instead, to rationalize a total lack of transcend ordinary human crutches like guilt, restraint, fidelity, and integrity.

Just What You’ve Been Waiting For: the Hillary Clinton Parody Porno

Sammie Spades stars in Hillary Clinton porn spoof
Image via TMZ

Sammie Spades once worked as an intern in Senator Clinton’s office in Buffalo, New York; now she’s a porn star, as TMZ uncovered two weeks ago.

So it was only a matter of time—er, nine whole days, actually—until somebody propositioned Spades with an offer she couldn’t pass up. You guessed it: Spades is currently filming a bio-pic of her life. (Some scenes might be fictionalized juuuuust slightly.)

Only four days after what was surely a tedious Clinton lookalike casting process, The Backdoor Intern finally has its Hillary! And here she is with Sammie, live on set. The movie already has a set.

From certain angles, Porn Hillary looks a little like Kristen Wiig. Oh, no! I CAN’T UNSEE.