Earlier this week Marin talked over on Zelda Lily about Bristol Palin’s new abstinence initiative.  She has joined with the Candie’s Foundation along with, and prepare for hysterical laughter here, Hayden Panettiere to talk about the only 100% effective form of birth control:  abstinence.

I started reading up on this Candie’s Foundation and I must tell you, I’m more confused than ever.  I think they promote abstinence but then Hayden was quoted as saying, “There’s a lot of different viewpoints on sex, and I’m not someone who will ever boo-hoo anything or say, ‘This is not right,’ or, ‘This is wrong.  You’re going to do what you’re going to do, but at the end of the day, it’s okay as long as you educate yourself, as long as you’re safe, as long as you’re smart.  It’s a topic that’s not talked about enough.”

So there you are ladies!  Straight from the mouth of Hayden Pantyline.  Do whatever you want, it’s okay!  I’m so relieved…I wouldn’t want Hayden boo-hooing my choices.  What an idiot!  Oh, and speaking of faking abstinence, Hayden was recently overheard talking about David Duchovny’s sex addiction woes and said to a friend, “Well if I had to be addicted to something, it would be sex!”

Oh, Lance Armstrong.  If he wasn’t busy with his knocked-up girlfriend, I’d so be trying to fix him up with Jennifer Aniston.  Why?  Because his biography, the imaginatively titled “Lance”, is coming out this summer and he talks about his break up with Sheryl Crow.  I know, I know-haven’t we all just been haunted, wondering “why?” ever since their split three years ago?  Anyway, I was thinking Lance and Jen would be the perfect couple.  They could get together and lament about Brad and Sheryl and we could all try to determine which of the four of them is the most tan.

As I’m pretty sure I said last December, Lance and Sheryl broke up in 2006 because they were in different places in their lives.  “Different places” is always code for “I don’t want kids,” or “I’m gay.”  She moved on and adopted a baby boy and he got his girlfriend pregnant because he thought his spermies were all dead soldiers.

In conclusion, this is what happens to you when there is a slow news day.  I talk about long-ended relationships that no one ever cared about even when they existed.  I will now go troll the wire looking for news on celebrity deaths, divorces and melees so we never have to suffer through another story like this again.  Wish me luck!

The Office’s Amy Ryan attended a DKMS fundraising gala last night and really missed the mark on the red carpet.

Also there-Sarah Wynter and Rachel Zoe.  I’d like to ask WireImage know something.  Sarah Wynter and Rachel Zoe are so obviously not the same person.  There is easily a fifty-pound weight discrepancy betwen the two of the them so why does WI insist on tagging both of their photos as “Sarah Wynter”?

Rihanna arrived in high fashion, Kylie Minogue was glowing, and Chelsea Clinton was…there.  Am I allowed to be mean to her now that she’s no longer the first child?  Because she needs some toning body bands and Crest Whitestrips like…yesterday.

Kiefer Sutherland showed up yesterday at a New York City police station where he was charged with a misdemeanor offense of assault with a deadly noggin.  Or, you know, just assault.  He’ll have to show up in court June 22nd to answer the charge.

You’ll remember that Kiefer (allegedly!) head-butted designer Jack McCollough the other night.  The good news is that the dude doesn’t have a broken nose as was originally reported.

If Sutherland is found guilty, he could a year in the slammer since this crime was (allegedly!) committed while he was on parole from a 2008 DUI.

I was thinking that the female version of Kiefer Sutherland is Lindsay Lohan.  Fair skin, light eyes, reddish hair, rap sheets, a love of all things cut on a mirror.  Can you imagine if these two drug clones hooked up?  I can see it now-we could call them Reefer Blohan.

Lynyrd Skynyrd bassist Donald “Ean” Evans passed away Wednesday at the age of forty-eight after a short battle with an aggressive form of cancer.

Lynyrd Skynyrd is a band that has been plagued with years of a tragic history.  In 1977, a plane crash claimed the life of three band members.  One of the survivors, Billy Powell passed away earlier this year at the age of forty-six.  In 2001, Leon Wilkinson, Evans’ predecessor died in his sleep at the young age of forty-nine.

Evans is survived by his wife and two daughters.

VERY cool stuff!!!

Stephen Colbert has donated his birthday this year to DonorsChoose.org. This is an organization the Evil Beet is very involved with — you might recall the promotion we ran last fall where you, the Evil Beet readers, KICKED SOME ASS and donated a ton of money to fund educational projects in low-income school districts. I was passionate about it then and I still am. There is NO REASON why the children in ALL our schools shouldn’t have access to the materials that will help them learn. If the government won’t fork over the money, then it’s our responsibility as private citizens to ensure that all our children in all our schools have the best possible opportunity to learn. I donate to DonorsChoose regularly — even when I’m not running promotions here on Evil Beet — and I’d encourage you all to revisit the site (or visit it for the first time!) and consider finding a project you connect with and helping to fund it. Thank you, Mr. Colbert, for promoting such a phenomenal organization that makes a REAL DIFFERENCE in the lives of students.