The Co-Directors of the Miss California U.S.A. pageant will hold a press conference on Monday to announce the fate of Carrie Prejean, whose tiara has been put in jeopardy due to possible contract violations stemming from public appearances she made with opponents of same-sex marriage and some undisclosed topless underwear ads she made as a teen.

The first runner up in the Miss California pageant will be present at the press conference, if that gives you any sort of hint as to which way this is going to go. Donald Trump has scheduled a press conference for later in the day, when he will talk about the controversy and gross everyone out with his disgusting, perpetually puckered butthole lips.

Even later in the day, the world will hold its own press conference to announce that everyone can now return to their normal state of  not giving a crap about the Miss U.S.A. pageant.

Reports have recently surfaced that while filming for his latest picture, Bruno, Sacha Baron Cohen was hospitalized after suffering a  serious allergic reaction during a botched body hair bleaching session.

A source revealed: “Sacha is committed to as much realism as he can muster in his films. He’d heard that all-over hairlessness is a popular trend in the gay community, so he thought he’d bleach all his hair so it looked invisible.

“But it quickly turned into a disaster. Shortly after having the procedure done he felt a burning sensation and it grew steadily worse.

“He had a bad allergic reaction to hydrogen peroxide, which is a strong bleaching agent. It was so severe around a certain part of his anatomy that he couldn’t sit down for three days.”

Doctors prescribed a soothing cream and antihistamines, but Sacha took days to fully recover, delaying filming for nearly a week.

I question the validity of this report, if for no other reason than than bleaching will not make ridiculous amounts of body hair disappear, it will only turn it yellow. There’s no way you could expect that bleaching Sacha Baron Cohen would make his body hair invisible while filming. Have you seen how much hair is on that body? It’s like a Wookie mated with a Brillo pad.

Perhaps waxing would have been a better option, but he just wasn’t willing to go that far. I don’t blame him. The thought of having the hair ripped out of my hoohah by the roots makes me vomit in my mouth a little bit. I’ll stick to razors, thanks.

64 year old Actress Mia Farrow– who was already about two pounds shy of being in danger of falling through a crack  in the floor–  engaged in a 12 day long hunger strike in an effort to draw attention to the plight of those living in Darfur.

“I have been instructed by my doctor to stop my fast immediately due to health concerns – including possible seizures,” wrote Farrow. “I am fortunate. The women, children, and men I am fasting for do not have that option.”

Airline magnate Richard Branson says that he will take over the fast for the next three days.

I’m sure the people in Darfur are thinking, “That’s nice and all, but can’t you crazy, rich British people just send us some freaking food?”

I have to question both the efficacy and sanity of a sympathetic hunger strike. It’s like showing solidarity with a co-worker who has cancer by chainsmoking, tanning all day, and eating asbestos sandwiches in an effort to get cancer. I’m sure they’d much rather you just drive them to chemo and make them some soup.

Earlier this week, Paris Hilton somehow met the wife of British Prime Minister Gordon Brown. America’s unofficial Ambassador to the World (it’s sad, but it’s true) later talked about how she liked Tony Blair better, how Tory leader David Cameron is “not hot,” and how she would bring about world peace if she were elected President.

Prime Minister’s wife Sarah Brown described Paris Hilton as “smart” and “caring” after they met this week in Los Angeles while the heiress in turn gushed that Mrs Brown was “inspirational”.
…And as for her own plans if, God forbid, [Paris] ever becomes President? She’d “definitely try and make peace with the countries we are fighting. I’d throw a party so they could all get along and stop the war.”

Of course! Why didn’t I see it before now? Remixed versions of “Blue Monday” and body shots are the answers to all the world’s problems!!

Why the hell is Paris Hilton meeting with with the wife of the Prime Minister? And why do I think of this song by The Stanglers every time I write the name “Gordon Brown?”

No, Oprah did not go into her local Kentucky Fried Chicken and rip tables and booths in half with her bare hands in a fit of extra tasty crispy fried chicken-craving rage… Although I wish she had.

On last Tuesday’s Oprah show, the would-be saint announced a deal she had partnered with KFC to promote. Customers and Oprah devotees could download a coupon and bring it into KFC for a free two piece meal of their new Kentucky Grilled Chicken (a product whose slogan should be “Kentucky GRILLED Chicken? What’s the Point?”).

The promotion was originally supposed to run through May 19th, but it seems like the chicken pluckers underestimated the Oprah effect. Similar to the butterfly effect, the Oprah effect mandates that if Oprah flaps her underarm fat in a field in Africa, blindly devoted wildebeests American consumers will stampede to buy whatever product she’s currently promoting and a giant thunderstorm will brew inside KFCs all across North America.

The overwhelming response to the promotion–which included long lines and clashes between tired employees and hungry customers– has led KFC to put the free meal deal on temporary hiatus. Customers can bring in their free meal coupon and fill out a form to receive a new coupon in the mail which they can redeem for a free meal and a free Pepsi at a later date. I love the video above because the PR team directed KFC president Roger Eaton to sound really excited and happy when he says “We can’t redeem your free coupon at this time!” Yaaay! I suspect that might not even be the real President of KFC. I think he’s a plant, because the PR people understand that almost anything sounds like a good idea when it’s being said by a happy, excited Aussie.

If you don’t feel like filling out a voucher and waiting for your new free chicken coupon to show up in the mail, you can just go into El Pollo Loco, who is capitalizing on KFC’s gaffe by promising to honor KFC’s coupon for free chicken– on Mother’s Day no less. What better way to thank your mother for squeezing you out of her vagina and selflessly putting up with decades of your crap than by taking her to El Pollo Loco for some free coupon chicken?

This weekend, I am living in the past.

Last night, by a strange twist of fate, I ended up at the Happy Days off Broadway musical, where I spent a few hours trying to figure out whether they were making fun of Happy Days or celebrating it, and consequently, trying to decide whether I wanted to stay till the end of the show or just leave and go get blindingly drunk at a nearby bar. I could never decide– I don’t think the cast could either. All I know is  that through two and a half hours of lyrics like “I’ll take you dancing on the moon,” no one jumped a single freaking  shark, and that’s just plain annoying.

Later today, I’ll be going to see a Star Trek movie based on the original series, which is something I haven’t done since 1991.

All this retro craziness began Friday morning when the New Kids on the Block performed “Hangin’ Tough” on the Today Show to a crowd of screaming women and gay men–just like old times. I watched this and had instantaneous post traumatic flashbacks of the first concert I ever went to, which was, of course, a NKOTB concert. I went with my friend Yari, who got so excited when they came on stage that she choked me until I blacked out. We were in the third grade.

I was always a Jon girl, and it’s nice to see that, like Harison Ford in that Tomb scene at the end of Last Crusade, I have chosen wisely. He’s aged well and doesn’t reek of having pickled his liver in pills and booze the way the rest of them have… with the exception of Jordan. Jordan seems like his addictions would trend more towards Botox and oxygen bars.

Oh, and Danny still looks like a monkey.

Well, got to go tease my bangs, put on my new Roos, and head out to Topkapi so I can buy some new slap bracelets.