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Two And A Half Men

Amber Tamblyn Officially Joins Two And A Half Men As A Regular Cast Member

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Amber Tamblyn joined Two And A Half Men for a stint as the illegitimate “sexy, gorgeous lesbian” daughter of Charlie Sheen‘s deceased character. And now it’s a permanent thing. She’s a regular cast member. Cha-ching Amber. Cha-f-cking-ching. Details from Hollywood Reporter:

The actress, who boarded season 11 in a five-episode stint as Charlie Harper’s (Charlie Sheen) long-lost (lesbian) daughter, has been promoted to series regular.

Tamblyn’s Jenny moves to L.A. to pursue acting and connect with what’s left of her family. She likes everything her dad liked — including women. The move is not unexpected as Tamblyn’s deal had an option for her to become a series regular.

OKAY LISTEN, NON-JUDGEMENT ZONE RIGHT HERE, BECAUSE I AM CURIOUS. Have you been watching Amber on Two And A Half Men? How is she? Is she funny? Is the show finally funny?

I need to know, guys. But I need to know without actually watching it.

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Amber Tamblyn, What Have You Done??

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Amber Tamblyn is being known as a smart, cool, slightly quirky actress in Hollywood, right? She won me over with this brilliant and hilarious email exchange with Tyrese. She married David Cross which earns (both of them) a hundred cool points. So what in the ever-loving f-ck is she doing joining the cast of Two And A Half Men??

Okay the answer is probably obvious: money. But still. Amber. Ugh. Here are some details from Us Weekly:

Amber Tamblyn has been cast as Jenny Harper, the illegitimate lesbian daughter of the late Charlie Harper (formerly played by Charlie Sheen) on the half-hour sitcom. The actress will recur in at least five episodes during Season 11, with an option to become a series regular.

As Us Weekly previously reported, Tamblyn’s character will show up at the home of Walden Schmidt (Ashton Kutcher) and Alan Harper (Jon Cryer) looking for her dad. If the 30-year-old [why the hell do they feel they need to mention her age] is a hit with viewers, the plan is to have her move in with the duo, filling the void left by Jake Harper (Jones).

Best of luck, Ms. Tamblyn! A job’s a job, I guess. And at least the Warlock isn’t there anymore.

Oh, F-ck Off: ‘Two and a Half Men’ Adds “Sexy, Gorgeous” Lesbian Character

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Two and a Half Men is obviously the worst show on television at the moment, and has been since it first went on the air WAY TOO MANY years ago. It’s misogynistic, has terrible writing and is most definitely NOT funny in any way. And yet… it survives. HOW is this possible? Who is watching this trash?

The show’s latest foray into fuckery comes with the announcement that they plan to replace Angus T Jones – who publicly bit the hand that fed him, so to speak, by saying what absolute disgusting garbage the show is – with a “sexy, gorgeous” lesbian character who’s meant to be dead Charlie Harper (Charlie Sheen)’s long lost daughter. Are you kidding me?

Let me guess what’s going to happen here. We know that the character will show up to find her father and discover that he’s dead, but she’ll still move in with Ashton Kutcher and Jon Cryer. So… what, they’ll both fall in love with her and think they can fuck her straight? They’ll take to being pervy and spying on her, hoping to catch a little girl on girl action to masturbate to? I want to punch so many things.

Charlie’s Death, Ashton’s Debut: a ‘Two and a Half Men’ Recap

Photo: Ashton Kutcher's Walden Schmidt has taken over the Two and a Half Men kitchen

So! Did you watch Two and Half Men last night? Odds are you did—the season premiere raked in 28 million viewers. And heaven help me, I was one of them. There’s no DVR up in this piece, either, so I had to miss an entire half-hour of The Sing-Off. Grr! (I also missed Dancing with the Stars and the Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen. I was also curious about David Krumholtz in The Playboy Club. Ah, well.)

Here’s a recapitulation of last night’s episode of Two and a Half Men:

At Charlie Harper’s funeral—which is attended only by angry women with various venereal diseases—we discover that Charlie had embarked on a brand-new, whirlwind romance with his erstwhile stalker, Rose (Melanie Lynskey). Rose explains during her eulogy how, on their romantic getaway to Paris, Rose discovered Charlie with another woman (already!) in their hotel room. Imagine her horror, Rose adds, when the very next day Charlie tragically ‘slipped’ off a train platform and fell into the path of an oncoming train. (But he didn’t suffer, Rose concludes—”his body just exploded like a balloon full of meat.”)

Early in the episode, Alan Harper (Jon Cryer) discovers he’ll have to sell the house. Then Jake Harper farts—I guess that was a joke?—and with that, Angus T. Jones vanishes for the rest of the episode. Seems like a pretty smart choice, actually.

We reestablish that Alan’s mother is a shrew. Also, Alan’s ex-wife is a shrew. Also, the maid. Also, Dharma of Dharma and Greg.

The first time I really laughed was when Alan was on the couch, cradling Charlie’s urn and talking to it—something about “just like old times: me, up here, you down in the bottle.” Maybe they didn’t need to cast Ashton Kutcher at all; maybe they could have just cast the urn. Hey, that works! The “half-a-man” could be the pile of ashes!

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Check Out the New Opening to ‘Two and a Half Men’

Two and a Half Men promo photo with Ashton Kutcher

I don’t know what’s happening to me! I think I just got… interested? In the Two and a Half Men reboot? Weird.

Anyway. Here’s the cast, lip-synching to the theme song “Manly Men”:

There is something magnetically awkward about the new cast dynamic. Do you feel it?

I like the little vocal switcheroo, what with giving Angus T. Jones the voice that once belonged to Charlie Sheen. Cognitive dissonance! That’s always funny! I think Angus’s deep voice might be a veiled joke about puberty, also.

And man, Jon Cryer is such a dork! He gave his “Oooohs” all this actorly decision-making and motivation and stuff. DERP. (The initial “Who the eff is this guy?” face he makes at Ashton Kutcher is pretty good, though.)

I think Ashton is supposed to strike us laydeez as “roguish” and “rugged,” but he really just comes off as a serial killer, y’know?

Ooh! That’s a good idea for a sitcom, though: Maybe Ashton ingratiates himself to Jon and Angus, moves into their home, then suddenly turns the house into the Manson Family. Right? Could this milquetoast sitcom suddenly go dark? Ha, ha, that would be a pretty funny way to Punk my mom, actually.

‘Two and a Half Men’ Will Not Be Ignored

Pictured: Jon Cryer, Angus T. Jones, and Ashton Kutcher on Letterman

What, you were planning to ignore the return of Two and a Half Men? NICE TRY, AMERICA. You don’t want to watch Two and a Half Men? Then turn off your TV, throw out your radio, and move to a log cabin in the freaking woods! Because there is NO ESCAPE from Ashton Kutcher.

Here he is on Late Show with David Letterman, accompanied by costars Jon Cryer and Angus T. Jones, AKA the highest-paid 17-year old ever.

And now, Letterman’s “Top 10 Reasons to Watch the New Season of Two and a Half Men“:

Letterman’s right! Ashton Kutcher really is starting to look like Dan Fogelberg! (The satellite delay is great, too! I love how everyone frowned at that 40-years-too-late “joke” eight seconds later.)

P.S. Ha, ha, Reuters hated the whole bit. I was actually kind of into it? But only because it was terrible.

Charlie Harper Gets Hit by a Train, Talks About It

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For all of you not in the know, Charlie Harper is Charlie Sheen‘s character on Two and a Half Men, and his character will be killed off this upcoming season in order to free a vacancy for Ashton Kutcher.

Did you guys know how Charlie’s getting written out? Um, here.

From TMZ:

Harper married Rose — the neighbor/stalker he flew to Paris with last season — but things went downhill quickly when she found him in the shower with another woman.

In the episode, we’re told Rose speaks at the funeral and recounts what happened to Charlie … saying the day after the shower incident she and Charlie were waiting for a Paris subway when Charlie “slipped” and the subway literally blew him apart in a “meat explosion.”

The strong inclination was that Rose pushed him and got away with it.

And what does Charlie Sheen have to say about it? Well, this:

“I am honored that it took something as large and violent as an oncoming train to terminate my character. Anything less would have been an insult!”

Hm. I’m not exactly sure that’s what they were going for, there, Charlie-boy, but you do what you’ve got to do to get yourself through this season, OK?

… And meat explosion? Well that’s just gross.