So! Did you watch Two and Half Men last night? Odds are you did—the season premiere raked in 28 million viewers. And heaven help me, I was one of them. There’s no DVR up in this piece, either, so I had to miss an entire half-hour of The Sing-Off. Grr! (I also missed Dancing with the Stars and the Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen. I was also curious about David Krumholtz in The Playboy Club. Ah, well.)

Here’s a recapitulation of last night’s episode of Two and a Half Men:

At Charlie Harper’s funeral—which is attended only by angry women with various venereal diseases—we discover that Charlie had embarked on a brand-new, whirlwind romance with his erstwhile stalker, Rose (Melanie Lynskey). Rose explains during her eulogy how, on their romantic getaway to Paris, Rose discovered Charlie with another woman (already!) in their hotel room. Imagine her horror, Rose adds, when the very next day Charlie tragically ‘slipped’ off a train platform and fell into the path of an oncoming train. (But he didn’t suffer, Rose concludes—”his body just exploded like a balloon full of meat.”)

Early in the episode, Alan Harper (Jon Cryer) discovers he’ll have to sell the house. Then Jake Harper farts—I guess that was a joke?—and with that, Angus T. Jones vanishes for the rest of the episode. Seems like a pretty smart choice, actually.

We reestablish that Alan’s mother is a shrew. Also, Alan’s ex-wife is a shrew. Also, the maid. Also, Dharma of Dharma and Greg.

The first time I really laughed was when Alan was on the couch, cradling Charlie’s urn and talking to it—something about “just like old times: me, up here, you down in the bottle.” Maybe they didn’t need to cast Ashton Kutcher at all; maybe they could have just cast the urn. Hey, that works! The “half-a-man” could be the pile of ashes!

(more…)

I don’t know what’s happening to me! I think I just got… interested? In the Two and a Half Men reboot? Weird.

Anyway. Here’s the cast, lip-synching to the theme song “Manly Men”:

There is something magnetically awkward about the new cast dynamic. Do you feel it?

I like the little vocal switcheroo, what with giving Angus T. Jones the voice that once belonged to Charlie Sheen. Cognitive dissonance! That’s always funny! I think Angus’s deep voice might be a veiled joke about puberty, also.

And man, Jon Cryer is such a dork! He gave his “Oooohs” all this actorly decision-making and motivation and stuff. DERP. (The initial “Who the eff is this guy?” face he makes at Ashton Kutcher is pretty good, though.)

I think Ashton is supposed to strike us laydeez as “roguish” and “rugged,” but he really just comes off as a serial killer, y’know?

Ooh! That’s a good idea for a sitcom, though: Maybe Ashton ingratiates himself to Jon and Angus, moves into their home, then suddenly turns the house into the Manson Family. Right? Could this milquetoast sitcom suddenly go dark? Ha, ha, that would be a pretty funny way to Punk my mom, actually.

What, you were planning to ignore the return of Two and a Half Men? NICE TRY, AMERICA. You don’t want to watch Two and a Half Men? Then turn off your TV, throw out your radio, and move to a log cabin in the freaking woods! Because there is NO ESCAPE from Ashton Kutcher.

Here he is on Late Show with David Letterman, accompanied by costars Jon Cryer and Angus T. Jones, AKA the highest-paid 17-year old ever.

And now, Letterman’s “Top 10 Reasons to Watch the New Season of Two and a Half Men“:

Letterman’s right! Ashton Kutcher really is starting to look like Dan Fogelberg! (The satellite delay is great, too! I love how everyone frowned at that 40-years-too-late “joke” eight seconds later.)

P.S. Ha, ha, Reuters hated the whole bit. I was actually kind of into it? But only because it was terrible.

For all of you not in the know, Charlie Harper is Charlie Sheen‘s character on Two and a Half Men, and his character will be killed off this upcoming season in order to free a vacancy for Ashton Kutcher.

Did you guys know how Charlie’s getting written out? Um, here.

From TMZ:

Harper married Rose — the neighbor/stalker he flew to Paris with last season — but things went downhill quickly when she found him in the shower with another woman.

In the episode, we’re told Rose speaks at the funeral and recounts what happened to Charlie … saying the day after the shower incident she and Charlie were waiting for a Paris subway when Charlie “slipped” and the subway literally blew him apart in a “meat explosion.”

The strong inclination was that Rose pushed him and got away with it.

And what does Charlie Sheen have to say about it? Well, this:

“I am honored that it took something as large and violent as an oncoming train to terminate my character. Anything less would have been an insult!”

Hm. I’m not exactly sure that’s what they were going for, there, Charlie-boy, but you do what you’ve got to do to get yourself through this season, OK?

… And meat explosion? Well that’s just gross.

What’s a suitable replacement, in the eyes of CBS, for airing Charlie Sheen‘s real funeral? Airing a pretend funeral for Charlie Sheen’s same-name character on Two and a Half Men.

What I wonder, though, is whether or not the producers are going to make this a somber event, or if there’s going to be some fun-poking at the dead guy. I suppose it all boils down to the respect CBS has for its former employee (lol). I mean, they’re already killing him off – would it be adding insult to injury for, like, his co-star “brother” to be cracking jokes at his expense on air, too?

Thoughts?

Images courtesy of TMZ

Are you guys ready for this? This whole Ashton Kutcher taking the place of Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men thing? Is this going to be any good? I just don’t know. Unless I see some full-frontal nudity involving Kutcher, I guess I’m going to have to reserve my judgment indefinitely. Because really, that’s the only way that I’m going to be watching anything beyond maybe the first episode of the new season.

Will you guys be tuning in on September 19th?