Writing about celebrity gossip is hard work! And that is why I have decided to farm out one of my weekend posts to my friend Fred’s 11-year-old daughter. Hmm. I think this isn’t illegal.
Now, you might guess that this new column was inspired by Kids React, but you are wrong. Instead, I was inspired by the mustache my friend Fred’s daughter was perma-markering onto a photograph of Justin Bieber in the magazine J-14. “You know,” I said to her, “Perez Hilton made his millions by drawing on people.” Then I offered this 11-year-old girl my job.
Fred’s daughter wasn’t sure what to write about, so I asked her to tell me a little bit about the latest Twilight movie Breaking Dawn: Part 1, because I haven’t seen it.
Here is what an 11-year old had to say:
I recently went to see Part I of Breaking Dawn. If I had to rate the movie from 1 to 5 stars, I would give it a three-and-a-half.
I love the Twilight series, but Breaking Dawn was way too sappy. I hate sappy movies! I hate them because you always know what will happen at the end. Like every Julia Roberts movie! Or Julia Roberts comes into movies and ruins them! Like Ocean’s Eleven. It started so cool: gadgets, stealing money, George Clooney, Brad Pitt…. And then at the end, Julia Roberts has to suddenly show up and kiss George Clooney. The pain of that scene was just like being locked up in a nuthouse and being forced to listen to show tunes. (Editor’s note: ?????!!!!)
The mouth on this kid! Anyway, there’s much, much more, but there are also some Breaking Dawn spoilers. You’ve been warned.
Are you sick of the Twilight overdose yet? You about to pull your hair out over hearing the names “Bella” and “Edward” and “Jacob“? Then friends, I suggest you avert your eyes, because right up there ^^ I’ve got some more of the same.
Yeah, it’s just another video chock-full of interviews with the same tired cast of characters and the same special effects and pregnancy bumps and bruises, but it’s for Breaking Dawn Part 1. Doesn’t that make it special enough to warrant continuous posts covering every single second of what’s to come in seventeen days? Didn’t we make this big a deal over all of the Harry Potter business? Yes, friends, I believe we did. Let’s take one for the Twihards, now, shall we?
If there are two things I’m obsessed with right now, it’s Adele and Twilight (well, those things and the music video for “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go,” so I guess that’s three things). Twilight because Breaking Dawn is coming out soon (November 18th!) and my movie theatre, and I’m sure many of your movie theatres as well, is showing all the movies before the midnight premiere, and I’m crazy excited about it, and Adele, because, well, it’s Adele. So you can imagine my excitement when I came across this amazing cover of “Someone Like You,” can’t you?
Do you like it too, or is it too Team Jacob for you?
“I wanted to have it as a line so much. [In an American/Edward accent] I bit through all the pillows. Every. Single. One. And then he’d start crying. By the way, that’s what he should be ashamed of in the morning. All those beautiful pillows! Egyptian cotton! [Laughs] I ruined this bed!”
Can you guys almost not even stand it? Bed-ruining? Volatile emotions? Dear God.
Have you heard of give-a-shit.org? No? Then you’re in the majority, if you’re talking just between you and I, because I haven’t either. Funny, huh? Anyway, it’s more or less an organization (a website) that allows you to show and share what you give a shit about, be it saving the planet, feeding the hungry, raising barns in the Pacific Northwest for those who need them or whatever. Nikki Reed? Definitely gives a shit.
What other celebrities would you like to see sitting on the john?
You know, the one where Edward and Bella get to let out all the pent-up sexual frustration and just go for it, leaving a few broken headboards and slaughtered pillows in their wake? It’s the one, you know the one, after they have their wedding and go to Isle Esme and just bang it out for a while, pushing and thrusting through all their emotions until she gets knocked up with an evil fetus that Edward has to chew out of her?
Catherine said she still has the bed Rob and K-Stew first kissed on when they were rehearsing scenes at her house for the iconic first film in the series. And Catherine said she might put the bed up for auction to help Step Up Women’s Network if there was enough demand from fans — and we’re sure it would generate plenty of interest amongst the Twihards!
Also, the charity is a great cause, offering children in high-crime areas the chance to graduate high school and go off to college!
Charity is great, of course, and I’m sure this could raise a lot of money for a good cause, but this is still the creepiest thing ever. Ok, maybe it’s not THE creepiest (Twilight has inspired a lot of creepiness), but it’s pretty damn close.
Would you be interested in buying this bed? Or what about the bed from The Exorcist? Maybe the bed from Misery? Basically I’d just like to know if there’s a scenario in which you can buy a bed as a piece of memorabilia and have it not be the creepiest piece of furniture in your home.