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Tom Cruise

Tom Cruise is Officially Bizarre and Creepy and Should Probably Not Be Allowed Around Women Anymore

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Oh, we didn’t already come to that conclusion even after we heard about the Sofia Vergara debacle? My bad. Guess I should have been paying better attention to all of the NUTS coming out of his mouth in previous years.

In the latest bunch of NUTS, Vanity Fair has a pretty in-depth article detailing Tom Cruise‘s once-alleged and now-true story of potential wife-wrangling, which apparently includes plenty of lady makeovers, PR training, and “Are you famous enough” questions courtesy of Tom and his Scientology crew. From Vanity Fair:

In the October issue, Vanity Fair special correspondent Maureen Orth reports that in 2004 Scientology embarked on a top-secret project headed by Shelly Miscavige, wife of Scientology chief David Miscavige, which involved finding a girlfriend for Tom Cruise. According to several sources, the organization devised an elaborate auditioning process in which actresses who were already Scientology members were called in, told they were auditioning for a new training film, and then asked a series of curious questions including: “What do you think of Tom Cruise?”

Because of course, Tom Cruise is Scientology, after all.

The feature goes on to discuss a young woman by the name of Nazanin Boniadi, a woman who just wasn’t good enough for Tom and his wily ways:

Nazanin Boniadi, an Iranian-born, London-raised actress and Scientologist, was selected and dated Cruise from November 2004 until January 2005. Initially she was told only that she had been selected for a very important mission. In a month-long preparation in October 2004, she was audited every day, a process in which she told a high-ranking Scientology official her innermost secrets and every detail of her sex life. Boniadi allegedly was told to lose her braces, her red highlights, and her boyfriend. According to a knowledgeable source, she was shown confidential auditing files of her boyfriend to expedite a breakup. (Scientology denies any misuse of confidential material.) The source says Boniadi signed a confidentiality agreement and was told that if she “messed up” in any way she would be declared a Suppressive Person (a pariah and enemy of Scientology).

Tough stuff, right? It gets better:

… In November 2004 Boniadi was flown to New York, where she met Cruise. That’s when she first sensed that this was possibly going to be an arranged marriage. For their first date Cruise and Boniadi went to dinner at Nobu with an entourage of Scientology aides, then to the skating rink at Rockefeller Center, which was closed to the public especially for them. The two spent that first night together but, according to several sources, they did not have sex. At the Trump Tower, where Cruise and the entourage had rented an entire floor, Cruise purportedly told Boniadi, “I’ve never felt this way before.”

Of course he hadn’t. I mean, once Boniadi lost the braces (and the boyfriend!), girlfriend was probably quite the catch, huh? After a while of dating, however (keeping in mind that the two dated from November to January … which, by my best estimate, is just two whole months), Boniadi couldn’t take Tom’s over-the-top ways and weird Scientology schtick:

Boniadi was in love with Cruise, but the intensity of his affection, especially his predilection for public displays, overwhelmed her. “I get more love from an extra than I get from you,” the actor reportedly complained. Every day Boniadi spent two to three hours purging herself of “negative thoughts about Tom.” She felt completely shut off; her only source of money was a credit card issued in the name of Cruise’s production company.

During this time, the woman was said to move in with Tom, and shortly after, the affair fizzled out because she just wasn’t compliant enough, nor was she famous enough:

By the third week in January, she was asked to move into Scientology’s Celebrity Centre. Boniadi was told that Cruise “wants someone with her own power—like Nicole.” When she asked why Cruise would not break up with her himself, she was told he was not to be disturbed. A Scientology official allegedly told her, by way of explanation, “Naz, you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.”

Meaning that Tom just wasn’t happy enough with his latest victim. I totally get it. After the relationship died out, Nazanin was punished severely for discussing her brief relationship, and was forced to clean bathroom floors with toothbrushes and acid, among other inhumane things:

Boniadi’s punishment was to scrub toilets with a toothbrush, clean bathroom tiles with acid, and dig ditches in the middle of the night. After that she was sent out to sell Scentology founder L. Ron Hubbard’s Dianetics

Needless to say, Nazanin and the rest of her family are no longer affiliated with the Church of Scientology, and have pretty much dropped into a hole in the desert off their radar.

If you’re curious, this is Nazanin now:

photo of nazanin boniadi tom cruise ex-girlfriend pictures
Your loss, Tom. … No, seriously—your loss only. F-cking creeper.

Report: Katie Holmes Got Exactly What She Wanted From Tom Cruise Divorce

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… Which is to say, absolutely nothing. Seriously—nada.

Katie and Tom’s divorce has been finalized, and the details are as follows: Tom will pay monthly child support to Katie (who has full physical custody of Suri) to the tune of $33,333.33 per month until Suri’s 18, and in addition, Tom is responsible for paying all of Suri’s erroneous costs, such as medical, dental, educational, and extra-curricular activity costs.

As for Katie? Yeah, she walked away from being pampered on the regular and rolling in millions and millions of her husband’s dollars, but she gained the best thing she possibly could—freedom from crazy Tom Cruise. Hell, I’d go for broke, too.

In related Katie news, girlfriend’s already returned to the theater scene. From Us Weekly:

Despite her casual attire, Katie Holmes’ performance during a reading of the play One Day When We Were Young was anything but nonchalant.

According to theatergoers present at the surprise, top-secret showing in Williamstown, Mass. Aug. 17, Holmes — clad in jeans, a basic white top and a ponytail — brought her A-game opposite British actor Jeremy Strong. “She capably delivered,” one eyewitness tells Us Weekly. “She was very focused on the piece.”

In fact, “If her part in the reading is an indication, I would say she’s eager to get back to acting,” the witness adds of Tom Cruise’s ex.

I’m so, so glad, Katie. Seriously, do anything right now. Do Geico commercials, I don’t even care. Just get back up on that horse and maybe—maybe!—even do some more talking about that Dawson’s Creek reunion. I’m halfway through Season 3 and going strong. This is some high-quality, good stuff, and I can’t wait to see even more.

Go, girl!

Katie Holmes Is So Sorry About That Whole Divorce Thing

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Well, not the divorce itself, of course. No, I’m sure she’s still having regular dance parties in her new apartment to celebrate her emancipation from crazy ol’ Tom Cruise. What I mean is that she’s so sorry about that wonderful element of surprise she had in her divorce filing. Because, once again, Tom Cruise is fishing for some sympathy.

From In Touch via Celebitchy:

Giving her powerful husband fair warning that she was leaving him would probably have hobbled Katie Holmes’ attempt to make a quick, clean break. But while Katie’s swift action — which left manipulative megastar Tom Cruise shell-shocked — may have led to a divorce that was reached in record time, a source close to Tom, 50, claims that Katie regrets humiliating him so profoundly and publicly. Says the source, “Katie has apologized to him.”

The thought of Katie falling under Tom’s spell again is chilling, but the 33-year-old actress may have good reasons for appearing to back down. Because they share custody of Suri, 6, the former couple still speak often, which, a friend of Katie’s tells In Touch, can be pretty awkward.

“Tom rarely misses a chance to bring up their relationship,” says the friend, “or say something catty.” Furthermore, Katie can’t ignore — or compete with — the transparent, full-scale campaign Tom’s been waging to win his daughter’s heart. “He’s not parenting her; he’s entertaining her,” a source close to the couple snipes.

Katie is fully aware that Tom’s older children — Isabella, 19, and Connor, 17 — turned away from their mother, Nicole Kidman, after the pair’s split. Despite the fact that she spends far more time with Suri than Tom does, she must be concerned that their vulnerable daughter will prefer the exciting lifestyle he provides. Smoothing things over with him puts her on safer ground.

The source close to Tom reports that Katie told him that “She feels bad about the way everything unfolded, and she’s sorry that she embarrassed him.” That may be salve to Tom’s wounded ego, but Katie’s apology won’t lead to a real reconciliation. “I doubt they’ll ever be friends,” the source says.

If this was any other couple, I’d probably think that the whole surprise divorce move was pretty cold. But, as we all know, this isn’t any other couple. For all the giggles and ridiculousness this whole thing has brought us, this is essentially a woman escaping a cult for the sake of her child. This is a real life Lifetime movie, and drastic times call for drastic measures.

Oh, and of course Tom Cruise is being catty. Not mean or cruel or vicious, but catty. And while we haven’t been reporting every Tom and Katie story – there are only so many hours in the day, you know – Tom certainly has been trying to win Suri’s heart. He’s taken her to Disney World, on helicopter rides, and basically anywhere else a six-year-old girl would want to go. He’s buying a house in Connecticut to be closer to Suri and Katie in New York, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he finds a house with a barn just so he can buy her a dozen ponies.

Whatever happens, I just really, really hope that Katie doesn’t break. It’s usually good for a kid to have at least one sane, stable parent, and one of hers has been out of the running for a very long time.