Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Tom Cruise

Another Day in Stupid Lindsay Lohan Tweets

photo of olindsay lohan pictures photos
So remember how we were talking about Tom Cruise and his weird Scientology wife-auditioning thing that he did a few years back when Katie Holmes won her round-trip ticket to Crazyville? Well Lindsay Lohan‘s throwing her hat into the ring on this one, and making statements in Tom‘s defense (sort of). From Lindsay’s Twitter, in response to that Vanity Fair article:

I just want everyone & @TomCruise to know, that I have/had NO part in the VF story.. Nor has anyone in my life, personal and work related.

ROFLCOPTER! OMG! … And wait. “Nor has anyone in my life, personal and work related”? In what world is that good grammar? Forget it.

You know, what Lindsay’s doing here, guys, is trying to make herself appear more relevant than she actually is (surprise, surprise). Because while there were rumors that Lindsay was on Tom’s shortlist a few years ago for bridal material, Scientology sources came out and nixed that, revealing the “official” list, which included Scarlett Johansson, Erica Christensen, Sofia Milos, Jennifer Garner, and Jessica Alba. Please note that the name “Lindsay Lohan” was nowhere on that list, because come on. Even Tom Cruise has f-cking standards, as batshit crazy as he is.

And speaking of standards, Tom wanted the lovely Nazanin Boniadi to get rid of her braces and highlights, so can you just imagine the veritable laundry list that Lindsay Lohan would have to take care of in order to even be considered for general candidacy? Meth, fleas, lesions, and crack teeth, just to name a few, but doubtless there’s a zillion other things the higher-ups in the Church of Scientology could probably whip out and slap Lindsay in the face with like a flaccid penis, desperate for one last hurrah.

All I know is that you’re definitely in a bad way (AHEM TOM CRUISE) when Lindsay Lohan starts throwing your name around the Twitterverse. Sheesh.

Tom Cruise is Officially Bizarre and Creepy and Should Probably Not Be Allowed Around Women Anymore

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Oh, we didn’t already come to that conclusion even after we heard about the Sofia Vergara debacle? My bad. Guess I should have been paying better attention to all of the NUTS coming out of his mouth in previous years.

In the latest bunch of NUTS, Vanity Fair has a pretty in-depth article detailing Tom Cruise‘s once-alleged and now-true story of potential wife-wrangling, which apparently includes plenty of lady makeovers, PR training, and “Are you famous enough” questions courtesy of Tom and his Scientology crew. From Vanity Fair:

In the October issue, Vanity Fair special correspondent Maureen Orth reports that in 2004 Scientology embarked on a top-secret project headed by Shelly Miscavige, wife of Scientology chief David Miscavige, which involved finding a girlfriend for Tom Cruise. According to several sources, the organization devised an elaborate auditioning process in which actresses who were already Scientology members were called in, told they were auditioning for a new training film, and then asked a series of curious questions including: “What do you think of Tom Cruise?”

Because of course, Tom Cruise is Scientology, after all.

The feature goes on to discuss a young woman by the name of Nazanin Boniadi, a woman who just wasn’t good enough for Tom and his wily ways:

Nazanin Boniadi, an Iranian-born, London-raised actress and Scientologist, was selected and dated Cruise from November 2004 until January 2005. Initially she was told only that she had been selected for a very important mission. In a month-long preparation in October 2004, she was audited every day, a process in which she told a high-ranking Scientology official her innermost secrets and every detail of her sex life. Boniadi allegedly was told to lose her braces, her red highlights, and her boyfriend. According to a knowledgeable source, she was shown confidential auditing files of her boyfriend to expedite a breakup. (Scientology denies any misuse of confidential material.) The source says Boniadi signed a confidentiality agreement and was told that if she “messed up” in any way she would be declared a Suppressive Person (a pariah and enemy of Scientology).

Tough stuff, right? It gets better:

… In November 2004 Boniadi was flown to New York, where she met Cruise. That’s when she first sensed that this was possibly going to be an arranged marriage. For their first date Cruise and Boniadi went to dinner at Nobu with an entourage of Scientology aides, then to the skating rink at Rockefeller Center, which was closed to the public especially for them. The two spent that first night together but, according to several sources, they did not have sex. At the Trump Tower, where Cruise and the entourage had rented an entire floor, Cruise purportedly told Boniadi, “I’ve never felt this way before.”

Of course he hadn’t. I mean, once Boniadi lost the braces (and the boyfriend!), girlfriend was probably quite the catch, huh? After a while of dating, however (keeping in mind that the two dated from November to January … which, by my best estimate, is just two whole months), Boniadi couldn’t take Tom’s over-the-top ways and weird Scientology schtick:

Boniadi was in love with Cruise, but the intensity of his affection, especially his predilection for public displays, overwhelmed her. “I get more love from an extra than I get from you,” the actor reportedly complained. Every day Boniadi spent two to three hours purging herself of “negative thoughts about Tom.” She felt completely shut off; her only source of money was a credit card issued in the name of Cruise’s production company.

During this time, the woman was said to move in with Tom, and shortly after, the affair fizzled out because she just wasn’t compliant enough, nor was she famous enough:

By the third week in January, she was asked to move into Scientology’s Celebrity Centre. Boniadi was told that Cruise “wants someone with her own power—like Nicole.” When she asked why Cruise would not break up with her himself, she was told he was not to be disturbed. A Scientology official allegedly told her, by way of explanation, “Naz, you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.”

Meaning that Tom just wasn’t happy enough with his latest victim. I totally get it. After the relationship died out, Nazanin was punished severely for discussing her brief relationship, and was forced to clean bathroom floors with toothbrushes and acid, among other inhumane things:

Boniadi’s punishment was to scrub toilets with a toothbrush, clean bathroom tiles with acid, and dig ditches in the middle of the night. After that she was sent out to sell Scentology founder L. Ron Hubbard’s Dianetics

Needless to say, Nazanin and the rest of her family are no longer affiliated with the Church of Scientology, and have pretty much dropped into a hole in the desert off their radar.

If you’re curious, this is Nazanin now:

photo of nazanin boniadi tom cruise ex-girlfriend pictures
Your loss, Tom. … No, seriously—your loss only. F-cking creeper.

Report: Katie Holmes Got Exactly What She Wanted From Tom Cruise Divorce

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… Which is to say, absolutely nothing. Seriously—nada.

Katie and Tom’s divorce has been finalized, and the details are as follows: Tom will pay monthly child support to Katie (who has full physical custody of Suri) to the tune of $33,333.33 per month until Suri’s 18, and in addition, Tom is responsible for paying all of Suri’s erroneous costs, such as medical, dental, educational, and extra-curricular activity costs.

As for Katie? Yeah, she walked away from being pampered on the regular and rolling in millions and millions of her husband’s dollars, but she gained the best thing she possibly could—freedom from crazy Tom Cruise. Hell, I’d go for broke, too.

In related Katie news, girlfriend’s already returned to the theater scene. From Us Weekly:

Despite her casual attire, Katie Holmes’ performance during a reading of the play One Day When We Were Young was anything but nonchalant.

According to theatergoers present at the surprise, top-secret showing in Williamstown, Mass. Aug. 17, Holmes — clad in jeans, a basic white top and a ponytail — brought her A-game opposite British actor Jeremy Strong. “She capably delivered,” one eyewitness tells Us Weekly. “She was very focused on the piece.”

In fact, “If her part in the reading is an indication, I would say she’s eager to get back to acting,” the witness adds of Tom Cruise’s ex.

I’m so, so glad, Katie. Seriously, do anything right now. Do Geico commercials, I don’t even care. Just get back up on that horse and maybe—maybe!—even do some more talking about that Dawson’s Creek reunion. I’m halfway through Season 3 and going strong. This is some high-quality, good stuff, and I can’t wait to see even more.

Go, girl!

Katie Holmes Is So Sorry About That Whole Divorce Thing

A photo of Katie Holmes

Well, not the divorce itself, of course. No, I’m sure she’s still having regular dance parties in her new apartment to celebrate her emancipation from crazy ol’ Tom Cruise. What I mean is that she’s so sorry about that wonderful element of surprise she had in her divorce filing. Because, once again, Tom Cruise is fishing for some sympathy.

From In Touch via Celebitchy:

Giving her powerful husband fair warning that she was leaving him would probably have hobbled Katie Holmes’ attempt to make a quick, clean break. But while Katie’s swift action — which left manipulative megastar Tom Cruise shell-shocked — may have led to a divorce that was reached in record time, a source close to Tom, 50, claims that Katie regrets humiliating him so profoundly and publicly. Says the source, “Katie has apologized to him.”

The thought of Katie falling under Tom’s spell again is chilling, but the 33-year-old actress may have good reasons for appearing to back down. Because they share custody of Suri, 6, the former couple still speak often, which, a friend of Katie’s tells In Touch, can be pretty awkward.

“Tom rarely misses a chance to bring up their relationship,” says the friend, “or say something catty.” Furthermore, Katie can’t ignore — or compete with — the transparent, full-scale campaign Tom’s been waging to win his daughter’s heart. “He’s not parenting her; he’s entertaining her,” a source close to the couple snipes.

Katie is fully aware that Tom’s older children — Isabella, 19, and Connor, 17 — turned away from their mother, Nicole Kidman, after the pair’s split. Despite the fact that she spends far more time with Suri than Tom does, she must be concerned that their vulnerable daughter will prefer the exciting lifestyle he provides. Smoothing things over with him puts her on safer ground.

The source close to Tom reports that Katie told him that “She feels bad about the way everything unfolded, and she’s sorry that she embarrassed him.” That may be salve to Tom’s wounded ego, but Katie’s apology won’t lead to a real reconciliation. “I doubt they’ll ever be friends,” the source says.

If this was any other couple, I’d probably think that the whole surprise divorce move was pretty cold. But, as we all know, this isn’t any other couple. For all the giggles and ridiculousness this whole thing has brought us, this is essentially a woman escaping a cult for the sake of her child. This is a real life Lifetime movie, and drastic times call for drastic measures.

Oh, and of course Tom Cruise is being catty. Not mean or cruel or vicious, but catty. And while we haven’t been reporting every Tom and Katie story – there are only so many hours in the day, you know – Tom certainly has been trying to win Suri’s heart. He’s taken her to Disney World, on helicopter rides, and basically anywhere else a six-year-old girl would want to go. He’s buying a house in Connecticut to be closer to Suri and Katie in New York, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he finds a house with a barn just so he can buy her a dozen ponies.

Whatever happens, I just really, really hope that Katie doesn’t break. It’s usually good for a kid to have at least one sane, stable parent, and one of hers has been out of the running for a very long time.

Tom Cruise Wants You to Think That Katie’s a Family-Killing Famewhore

photo of katie holmes and suri cruise pictures
Yes, because while Tom‘s current public reputation is in the shitter, why not try to drag Katie down with him? Makes perfect sense, especially when you’re Tom Cruise.

Here’s what was happening in the Cruise marriage four months before the breakup, that made everyone continuously think that these two were in it for the sheer publicity:

Cruise and Holmes stood in a darkened area near the bathrooms [of a theater]. “Everyone’s just staring at them. And he and Katie were extremely touchy-feely. They’re giggling. He was kissing her. And everyone’s like, Wow, this is real—because no one believes it’s real. But if they weren’t real, why would they be all over each other? Everything they do in public is over-the-top. But there was practically no audience. There were only five people waiting for the bathroom.”
Soon, though, the make-out session started to take on a different complexion. “This went on and on,” the witness recalls. “He keeps kissing her. And we’re like, This is strange that they’re still kissing. Who goes out and has a make-out session with their wife? I mean, really. It felt like a poorly directed love scene. It’s like you’re kissing your girlfriend on the subway—if you kiss her fifteen times, it starts to be less cool. By the end, I was just confused.”

And on how the majority of people thought that the relationship was a stunt from the get-go, so they weren’t really fooling anyone:

Barely a month after meeting Holmes, Cruise made the now infamous appearance on Oprah, where he jumped on the sofa, pumped his fists, and otherwise proclaimed how gaga he was about his new girlfriend. Sixty-three percent of respondents in a People magazine poll said they ­believed the relationship was a publicity stunt. Winfrey later ­admitted to finding his behavior perplexing.

But now, the interesting perspective that Katie may have actually been in on this whole thing from the start, and the marriage and divorce was only a ploy to launch her career into super-stardom:

• Instead of sitting down with her husband and saying she wanted a divorce, Holmes waited until he was in Iceland, then phoned him with the announcement, and was reportedly unwilling to reconsider.

• Holmes didn’t give Cruise any explanation for the decision, according to someone with knowledge of the situation.

• Afterward, according to the knowledgeable source, Holmes wouldn’t speak to her husband again, instead making him deal directly with her father (a ­divorce lawyer, as it happens).

• The story as it played out in the press was self-evidently driven by leaks from the Holmes camp.

• At the same time, false stories, uncorrected by Holmes’s publicists, ran, suggesting that Holmes had secured the new apartment without Cruise’s knowledge (in fact, according to Cruise’s publicist, Amanda Lundberg, Holmes and Cruise had agreed to get the apartment in mid-May).

• In Holmes’s daily photo ops, Suri was a conspicuous prop, as she has been for years. If you think this is just a case of a celebrity trying to live a normal life: When was the last time you saw a picture of Blue Ivy? Can you name any of Julia Roberts’s kids?

• Playing into the escape-from-­Scientology story line, it was reported that Holmes had now “registered” with a Catholic church. Who “registers” with a church? You just go.

• And Holmes wasted no time in starting filming of a new movie, based on her own screenplay about a single mom, Molly, on the day the settlement was announced.

The story (which you can read in its entirety here) goes on to claim that Katie is, and always has been, the ultimate fame-seeker, and how she was “enraged” by Michelle Williams’ career success post-’Dawson’s Creek’, and that she knew what she was getting into the entire time she was being courted or whatever by Tom Cruise and Tom Cruise’s Tom Cruise Camp, and while it all sounds plausible, I have to shake myself and say, “No! These theories are a plant by Tom Cruise, and I’m not going to allow Tom Cruise to taint my disdain for him with pity for being possibly used.” No, it’s just not going to happen. We’re going to chalk this one up to fable-spinning and leave it at that, OK? I just don’t want to examine it any further because I’m afraid of what kind of conclusion I might come to.

Who Is Suri’s Biological Father?

A photo of Suri Cruise

The idea that Tom Cruise is not the biological father of Suri isn’t new, not by a long shot. Way back when Suri was born, there were conspiracies about the paternity. Here’s a quick summary, since 2006 was a long time ago: Katie broke up with Chris Klein in March of 2005, and she began dating Tom just a few weeks later. Suri was born in April of 2006. BUT the public didn’t get a glimpse of Suri until months later, and her birth certificate wasn’t issued until three weeks after she was actually born, so was she really born in April? There were a lot of suspicious things happening surrounding Katie’s pregnancy and Suri’s birth, which could either be chalked up to those wacky Scientologists or a different story of conception than the one we heard. So basically, a lot of people think that Chris Klein could have fathered Suri right before that breakup.

But it’s not 2005 anymore, and Katie is no longer under the spell of Tom Cruise and Tom Cruise’s cult. She is her own woman now, and it looks like she’s raising Suri to be her own woman as well. So naturally, Tom is horrified. He’s pissed that these rumors are still coming up, and he’s upset that the rumors could one day cause Suri to request a paternity test. Then, of course, there’s the possibility that Tom’s “unyielding need for control” would potentially cause him to refuse to take the paternity test that may or may not ever come up at all, and then what would happen to his relationship with Suri?

Look, I know this is sort of a silly story – it’s from the Enquirer, after all – but I think it’s interesting. The original story mentions rumors that Suri’s biological dad could be the aforementioned Chris Klein, or Katie’s Dawson’s Creek lover, Joshua Jackson, or possibly Josh Hartnett. There’s also the super fun thought that Katie could have been inseminated with the frozen sperm of L. Ron Hubbard, which is my personal favorite. But what do you think?

If Tom isn’t Suri’s father – I’m bad at babies, remember? – then I’d say Chris Klein is the only other possibility. It’s not that I think Suri doesn’t look anything like Tom, but I could definitely see where the Chris Klein rumors come from. Take a look at that punk:

A photo of Chris Klein

He and Suri have similar eyes, right? Yeah, I’d say that’s a solid possibility.

The Church of Scientology Is Holding An Emergency Meeting

A photo of Tom Cruise

From the National Enquirer via Celebitchy:

Scientology leader David Miscavige called a secret emergency summit among the controversial church’s top celebrities to deal with the public fallout from Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ divorce.

Sources told The Enquirer that among those contacted for the clandestine conference call were Hollywood hot shots John Travolta, Kirstie Alley, Bijou Phillips, Leah Remini, Jenna Elfman and Juliette Lewis.

The church has been on the defensive since Katie blindsided her famous hubby with divorce papers on June 28. Numerous sources have reported that she wanted to protect their 6-year-old daughter, Suri, from falling victim to the religion’s “weird teachings.”

Media outlets have been having a field day with the coverage – the cover of one New York City newspaper featured a mock-up of Tom’s head, with wires attached to it, inside an alien spaceship!

And both Tom and the organization have been the butt of jokes on late-night TV and the internet. Even media mogul Rupert Murdoch chimed in on Twitter, calling people who practice Scientology “evil” and “creepy.”

“Scientology has never been hit this hard, this fast,” explained an insider. “The church is being made out to be a laughingstock, and Miscavige had a meltdown that his top draw, Tom Cruise, was being ridiculed across the globe.”

In an effort to do some damage control, Miscavige directed the top secret conference call from the church’s headqurters in Los Angeles.

“Every one of these celebs, from John Travolta to Kirstie Alley, loves the church and will do anything to promote it,” the source said.

The plan is to embark on a $25 million public relations blitz in which the church will “pull back the curatins” and be more open about its beliefs. As part of that initiative, the church is considering starting a Scientology cable TV channel, which will feature its biggest stars talking about the faith.

“The Scientologists are determined to help Tom,” added the source. “But they also want to protect the church’s reputation from further embarrassment.

YES. Yes, Scientology, this is a fantastic, foolproof plan. Of course you should be more open about your beliefs, and absolutely you should start your very own TV channel where Kirstie Alley and John Travolta can teach us all about thetans and Xenu and all your fascinating history, and then you can have the Tom Cruise Levitation and Mind Control Hour to bring in the ratings during prime time. There is no way at all that this plan could possibly backfire.

On a different note, it tickles me so much that the leader of Scientology “had a meltdown” over the fact that Tom Cruise isn’t being taken seriously. Is this really the first time that he’s hearing about that? Because I can’t remember a time this century that anyone took Tom Cruise seriously.

We just really need that Scientology TV. Then we’ll see. Then we’ll all see.