13Who Is Suri’s Biological Father?

The idea that Tom Cruise is not the biological father of Suri isn’t new, not by a long shot. Way back when Suri was born, there were conspiracies about the paternity. Here’s a quick summary, since 2006 was a long time ago: Katie broke up with Chris Klein in March of 2005, and she began dating Tom just a few weeks later. Suri was born in April of 2006. BUT the public didn’t get a glimpse of Suri until months later, and her birth certificate wasn’t issued until three weeks after she was actually born, so was she really born in April? There were a lot of suspicious things happening surrounding Katie’s pregnancy and Suri’s birth, which could either be chalked up to those wacky Scientologists or a different story of conception than the one we heard. So basically, a lot of people think that Chris Klein could have fathered Suri right before that breakup.

But it’s not 2005 anymore, and Katie is no longer under the spell of Tom Cruise and Tom Cruise’s cult. She is her own woman now, and it looks like she’s raising Suri to be her own woman as well. So naturally, Tom is horrified. He’s pissed that these rumors are still coming up, and he’s upset that the rumors could one day cause Suri to request a paternity test. Then, of course, there’s the possibility that Tom’s “unyielding need for control” would potentially cause him to refuse to take the paternity test that may or may not ever come up at all, and then what would happen to his relationship with Suri?

Look, I know this is sort of a silly story – it’s from the Enquirer, after all – but I think it’s interesting. The original story mentions rumors that Suri’s biological dad could be the aforementioned Chris Klein, or Katie’s Dawson’s Creek lover, Joshua Jackson, or possibly Josh Hartnett. There’s also the super fun thought that Katie could have been inseminated with the frozen sperm of L. Ron Hubbard, which is my personal favorite. But what do you think?

If Tom isn’t Suri’s father – I’m bad at babies, remember? – then I’d say Chris Klein is the only other possibility. It’s not that I think Suri doesn’t look anything like Tom, but I could definitely see where the Chris Klein rumors come from. Take a look at that punk:

He and Suri have similar eyes, right? Yeah, I’d say that’s a solid possibility.

July 21, 2012 at 2:00 pm by Emily

11The Church of Scientology Is Holding An Emergency Meeting

From the National Enquirer via Celebitchy:

Scientology leader David Miscavige called a secret emergency summit among the controversial church’s top celebrities to deal with the public fallout from Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ divorce.

Sources told The Enquirer that among those contacted for the clandestine conference call were Hollywood hot shots John Travolta, Kirstie Alley, Bijou Phillips, Leah Remini, Jenna Elfman and Juliette Lewis.

The church has been on the defensive since Katie blindsided her famous hubby with divorce papers on June 28. Numerous sources have reported that she wanted to protect their 6-year-old daughter, Suri, from falling victim to the religion’s “weird teachings.”

Media outlets have been having a field day with the coverage – the cover of one New York City newspaper featured a mock-up of Tom’s head, with wires attached to it, inside an alien spaceship!

And both Tom and the organization have been the butt of jokes on late-night TV and the internet. Even media mogul Rupert Murdoch chimed in on Twitter, calling people who practice Scientology “evil” and “creepy.”

“Scientology has never been hit this hard, this fast,” explained an insider. “The church is being made out to be a laughingstock, and Miscavige had a meltdown that his top draw, Tom Cruise, was being ridiculed across the globe.”

In an effort to do some damage control, Miscavige directed the top secret conference call from the church’s headqurters in Los Angeles.

“Every one of these celebs, from John Travolta to Kirstie Alley, loves the church and will do anything to promote it,” the source said.

The plan is to embark on a $25 million public relations blitz in which the church will “pull back the curatins” and be more open about its beliefs. As part of that initiative, the church is considering starting a Scientology cable TV channel, which will feature its biggest stars talking about the faith.

“The Scientologists are determined to help Tom,” added the source. “But they also want to protect the church’s reputation from further embarrassment.

YES. Yes, Scientology, this is a fantastic, foolproof plan. Of course you should be more open about your beliefs, and absolutely you should start your very own TV channel where Kirstie Alley and John Travolta can teach us all about thetans and Xenu and all your fascinating history, and then you can have the Tom Cruise Levitation and Mind Control Hour to bring in the ratings during prime time. There is no way at all that this plan could possibly backfire.

On a different note, it tickles me so much that the leader of Scientology “had a meltdown” over the fact that Tom Cruise isn’t being taken seriously. Is this really the first time that he’s hearing about that? Because I can’t remember a time this century that anyone took Tom Cruise seriously.

We just really need that Scientology TV. Then we’ll see. Then we’ll all see.

July 20, 2012 at 3:30 pm by Emily

1Tom Cruise Wants All Your Sympathy

All right, all right, I know that last week I expressed some sympathy for Tom Cruise when we heard a story about how he first became involved with Scientology. I couldn’t help but feel sorry for him when that story was spun to make Tom look like a naive simpleton with a heart of gold, but I’m over it now. Now, I’m able to laugh forever about how hard some people are trying to make Tom look like a pitiful, innocent saint in the aftermath of this divorce.

Take, for instance, this week’s People cover. It’s a picture of Tom, and in big letters, right under his face, it reads “Tom’s SHATTERED WORLD.” The cover then promises to take you “inside his days of turmoil,” and all about how “missing his little girl, the devastated star turns to his inner circle – and Scientology.” But wait for it: the little excerpt from the story they have up on their site? It’s called “Inside Tom Cruise’s Private Pain.” You know, just in case no one was clear as to whose side they’re on.

This was not how Tom Cruise expected his life to be.

The 50-year-old megastar, who was blindsided when his wife of five years, Katie Holmes, filed for divorce on June 28, “was thinking, ‘What did I not see?’ ” a source who knows the former couple tells PEOPLE in this week’s cover story.

Especially tough: His month-long separation from 6-year-old daughter Suri, which finally ended when the pair reunited on July 17in New York City.

What took so long?

“He’s wanted to see her as fast as possible since this started,” a source, who cites Cruise’s obligation to his sci-fi thriller Oblivion as the main obstacle. “He couldn’t shut down production, cost people their jobs. People count on him.”

In agreeing to a divorce settlement in a mere 11 days, “Tom tried his best to do what’s right for Suri,” according to his longtime friend and lawyer Bert Fields, who says the star is “sad” but not “bitter” about the situation.

Cruise has been leaning on his older children, Connor, 17, and Isabella, 19, his three sisters and his mother – all of whom share his Scientology religion. Several members of his family joined him for support as he filmed his final scenes for Oblivion.

“Tom is not ashamed of his beliefs,” says the source, who knows the former couple, “and won’t hide them from his daughter.”

What a great closer, the bit about how Tom won’t hide Scientology from Suri. I’ll be interested to see what happens when Suri starts going to Catholic school. Will she visit Tom during breaks and get audited? Will Tom be able to brainwash her without primary custory? I don’t know, I guess we’ll just have to wait until Tom lets us further into his SHATTERED WORLD.

July 18, 2012 at 9:30 am by Emily

10Now We’re Supposed to Believe That Katie Didn’t Have Any Dirt on Tom

From TMZ:

Tom Cruise did NOT settle his divorce with Katie Holmes because he feared she might spill secrets about the actor — this according to Tom’s lawyer.

Attorney Bert Fields scoffs at reports claiming Tom was fearful of what Katie might reveal, telling TMZ, “Tom had nothing to hide and did nothing in the agreement to hide anything.  People are just making this stuff up.”

As for the child custody arrangement, it appears Tom will indeed have the “significant” contact with Suri that we reported about last week.  Fields said, “Tom will definitely have a meaningful relationship with his daughter, but I can’t talk about specifics of the agreement.”

Fields said Tom’s primary concern in the settlement was Suri and added Tom was “pleased we could work out how Suri will be treated and dealt with.”

And, on the subject of Katie Holmes, Fields said, “I don’t think Tom is bitter.  He’s sad it came to this,” adding, “The media firestorm which is replete with bogus information is unpleasant for him.”

Ok, so let’s review. The divorce itself didn’t have anything to do with Scientology, and the settlement didn’t have anything to do with some secrets Katie’s been keeping. Then why did any of this happen? What other possible reasons could there be for any of this? Katie filed for divorce because … see, I can’t even think of any other reason, because Scientology is such a huge part of who Tom Cruise is now, and any possible reason for divorce could be directly linked to it.

But seriously, “Tom had nothing to hide and did nothing in the agreement to hide anything”? Really? We heard about the divorce just 14 days ago, and the whole thing is already settled. Tom gave up custody of Suri without anything resembing a fight, and he and his people have been trying so hard to make him look good in the meantime. What other reason would Tom have for agreeing to everything so quickly? Sure, you could say that he didn’t want to put Suri through a messy divorce, but I wouldn’t really buy that. I think he’d be more concerned with himself and how hard he’d be dragged through the mud if this thing lasted for months than Suri’s well-being.

Really, I’m still just waiting for Katie to sneakily release information about Tom and his gang of crazies to the media. I am so, so excited for when that information starts leaking.

July 13, 2012 at 5:30 am by Emily

7Do You Want to Feel Sorry for Tom Cruise?

No? Well, tough luck, because here it comes:

Currently seen as a major recruiter and promoter for Scientology, Tom Cruise’s indoctrination into the controversial religion was far from chance, and RadarOnline.comhas exclusive details on how the Hollywood actor was lured in at the peak of his fame.

The Mission Impossible star was initially introduced to Scientology in 1990 by first wife,Mimi Rogers, whose father Phil Spickler was one of the most powerful members during the early L. Ron Hubbard era.

Seven years younger than his actress wife, Cruise fell under the spell of the religion and claimed the study technology helped him get over his severe dyslexia and reading difficulties.

“I knew some of the people who kid-gloved him into becoming a member,” Nancy Many, who worked with celebrities at the Scientology’s Sea Organization, told Radar in an exclusive interview.

“Everything was orchestrated and orientated,” explained the former Scientology spy. “Tom has a problem reading so they don’t have him doing the course on his own and paired him up one-on-one.

In 1989 when the action star was filming the Vietnam saga Born On The Fourth of July, his pairing up with a veteran from the war was far from a coincidence.

“He was matched with a wonderful, wonderful man who was a hero in Vietnam and was part of a group in the Tet Offensive held down by the Viet Cong. It was done on purpose, the manipulation is often unseen or unnoticed by the person being manipulated,” Many told Radar.

While Cruise bonded deeply with new leader, David Miscavige, who took over the church after Hubbard’s death, Many revealed that Scientology head Miscavige was not always honest with his number one recruit.

“Marty Rathbun has revealed that Cruise’s auditing sessions were recorded and listened to by Miscavige, and laughed at by him,” she said.

Having divorced Rogers after just three years of marriage, Tom quickly moved on to Days of Thunder costar Nicole Kidman, who was not a supporter of the teachings that controlled Cruise’s life and although the relationship lasted more than a decade, he was never out of the grip of the church.

“They had this wonderful anniversary then as far as I am concerned, he gets work done one on one and is told ‘You’ve got to get back into the fold, Nicole is stopping you,’ all this was manipulation,” explained Many.

“The level of manipulation is unbelievable, it is like the Truman Show,” she added.

Now having settled his third divorce on Monday, it seems that the 50-year-old’s relationship with the controversial religion will outlast any that he has with the women in his life.

Here’s the thing: I think that’s a really sad story about poor naive Tom Cruise being grossly manipulated by Scientology, but how do I know any of this is true? Sure, maybe they did help him with his learning disabilities while manipulating him into being their favorite puppet, but maybe not. Maybe Tom didn’t go into this whole thing with his eyes wide shut (LOL), maybe he knew exactly what he was getting into. Maybe he just wanted magic powers, or maybe he just wanted to be part of this super hip gang. I have no idea, because it seems like more and more of the major celebrity news outlets are taking Tom’s side, and of course Tom wants you to feel bad for him. He just got his crazy little heart broken, right?

I really don’t know what to believe anymore. Or, well, Tom Cruise is batshit crazy. That will always be a truth to cling to.

July 12, 2012 at 6:30 am by Emily

4Katie Holmes Used Throwaway Phones to Keep Her Divorce Plans Secret

From People:

The actress, 33, was increasingly unhappy in her five-year marriage to Tom Cruise as she realized “she no longer had the life she wanted, in terms of her career, her way of life, everything,” a source tells PEOPLE in this week’s cover story.

So she took action – quickly.

“Once she decided to go, she was done,” says the source.

With help from her unflinching attorney father Martin, she orchestrated a secretive exit strategy that included moving into a new downtown Manhattan apartment, switching cell phones and keeping her megastar husband in the dark – until a bombshell phone call in which she broke the news to him.

“She knew she had to have everything locked down before she pulled the trigger,” says the source, “because there could be no wiggle room if she didn’t want this to turn into a long, drawn-out battle.”

The strategy worked, and on July 9 – just 11 days after Holmes revealed her divorce filing – lawyers on both sides announced they had reached a lightning-fast settlement that sources say gives Holmes what she wanted most: primary custody of their 6-year-old daughter Suri.

Cruise, 50, will have generous visitation rights.

The still-stunned actor “was a happy man and thought he had a happy life,” says another source. “He keeps asking, ‘What’s happening?’ ”

Thing is, too, that I have absolutely every confidence that this story is true. Because come on. It’s People, for crying out loud. They outed Johnny Depp’s split with Vanessa Paradis months before it was even officially confirmed. My thoughts on People’s validity has only been reinforced by recent developments in celebrity breakups, and I’m going to take almost everything they say from now on as creed.

Moving forward, Katie allegedly signed a confidentiality agreement prohibiting her from discussing anything Tom-related with the public for probably, like, the rest of her life. But that doesn’t mean she can’t leak information to “sources” who can do the talking for her, you know? That’s definitely something that’s going to happen (I’m hoping), and that’s another reason why I think this story is also absolutely true.

Also, no doubt on the “other” source being a plant by Tom, because that pathetic “What’s happening, what’s happening” thing legitimately makes me want to vomit. In his face. Please. It’s like, do try to be less obnoxious, Tom. Let’s not pretend you didn’t have this coming or that your world was just so completely rocked by the news that you were willing to give up shared custody of your daughter because you were so fearful of what kind of news might break about the REAL you.

F-cking putz.

July 11, 2012 at 10:30 am by Sarah