Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Tom Cruise

Late-Night Links

Mary Kate and Ashley appear on The Today Show to give their first interview in two and a half years. They both appear sober and talk mostly about their careers. Yawn. [MollyGood]

Tom Cruise wore a girdle under his tux at his own wedding. Is this some wacky Scientology tradition? Nope. He just wouldn’t fit in his Armani suit otherwise. [Spank Cheeks]

Rachel Bilson accomplishes the previously unheard-of feat of simultaneously being adorable and at Hyde. [Yeeeah!]

Oh please, please, let there be a Jessica Simpson sex tape. [Egotastic]

“This Scarf is Heavy,” by Paris Hilton. [The Gilded Moose]

I am going to mention Hansen without mentioning “Horseface,” just this once, because they’re being nice to Africa. [Agent Bedhead]

Nicole Richie does her best Hamburgler. [Dirty Laundry]

Where Can I Return This?

I can think of a lot of gifts I would have given Tom and Katie had they invited me to the wedding.

A golden scepter
Diamond encrusted cubic zirconium
Multiple Maseratis.

But you know what I wouldn’t have thought of? One of those hand written notes you used to give your mom that promised you’d clean the kitchen for a week.

Luckily David Beckham remembered. Per our pals at the SfGate Daily Dish; He’s giving Tom’s children soccer lessons as a wedding gift.

That’s right, Connor and Isabella are set to take lessons with good ol’ Becks when he’s not indisposed.

Whaa? This gift sucks ass for a myriad of reasons but here are just a few:

1) Katie gets nothing.
2) Katie’s little nugget Suri gets nothing.
3) Connor and Isabella don’t need soccer lessons because they won’t be soccer players. Plus they are eleven and thirteen. Plus they weren’t getting married (unless I truly don’t get how that religion works).
4) Posh Spice should fucking know better.
5) It’s not a GIFT! You can’t hold it!

It’s the kind of thing you offer after a few drinks, or maybe throw out there for giggles, but you get them a Goddamn real gift because they are damn near American royalty. You are worth millions; get them one big ass Crate & Barrel gift certificate. C’mon man.

Now, this is all just alleged and maybe he actually got them a platinum mini Ferrari for Suri to run over the Paparazzi with. Here’s hoping.

Now if you’ll excuse me I have to prepare my “free backrub” coupons for momma.

The TomKat Wedding: It’s Finally Over!

Well, those two crazy kids actually went and got themselves married. This Saturday, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were joined in holy matrimony at Odescalchi Castle outside of Rome. There were over 150 guests in attendance, including Victoria Beckham, Brooke Shields, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony, Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith, and Jenny McCarthy and Jim Carrey.

Katie’s father escorted her down the aisle, and the ceremony was performed at sunset by a Scientology minister (read about traditional Scientology wedding vows here). The wedding party included Cruise’s children, Isabella and Connor, and the best man was Cruise’s best friend, David Miscavige, who also happens to be the head of the Church of Scientology. Katie’s sister, Nancy Blaylock, was her matron of honor. The wedding singer was Matt Lauer. Nah, I’m kidding, it was Andrea Bocelli. I hear there was a light drizzle at the start of the ceremony, but then things cleared up for the couple.

Since I honestly don’t understand enough of these words to paraphrase the description of what Katie wore, I am going to jack it, word for tedious word, from Us Weekly: “Katie wore a fitted Armani off-the-shoulder bridal gown with a train in ivory silk cadis adorned in Valenciennes lace and Swarovski beaded crystal embroidery, featuring a delicate crinoline frill at the shoulders and a silk soleil border around the hem. The gown was complemented by an ivory tulle floor length veil and ivory silk shoes.” If this sounds more like a recipe for a wedding cake to you, too, just check out the pics. For the rest of you fashionistas, People has a run-down of what the entire wedding party wore (summary: everyone’s in Armani). Need more pictures? TMZ has one billion, and Teddy and Moo has the rest.

Tom and Katie left early the next morning for their honeymoon in the Maldives. Where are the Maldives? Apparently they’re an island nation south-west of Sri Lanka. Where is Sri Lanka? Now you’re on your own.