I have so many emotions about this movie, you guys. Just so many. I mean, did you see that trailer? Honestly, did you watch it? Tom Cruise‘s hair? Alec Baldwin‘s hair? The entire concept of the movie? I just can’t, I can’t. This is exactly what I felt when Mamma Mia came out: equal amounts of disgust and intrigue, with sprinklings of disappointment and shame. These feelings are only magnified by the presence of Tom Cruise.

What about you? Are you excited about this? If so, were you also excited about Footloose? Because if both of those things are true, then we need to have a good long talk about good judgement and taste.

So this one time, Tom Cruise was the guest of honor on a cruise ship for Scientologists, and it was his birthday, and he jumped up to sing “Old Time Rock and Roll,” and his performance was in turns kind of cute and really painful. (Lainey gets it right when she calls Tom Cruise a total “dad” and a “middle-aged dork.”)

The 2004 video is going viral today, but I knew it looked familiar—and sure enough, it is just one clip from what must be a “Tom’s Birthday Party” DVD.

These days, Tom Cruise is doing the promotional rounds for Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol, and I gotta admit, as cuckoo as the man is, he’s still a hottie. He looks a little like 1990s Mark Harmon.

So the Cruise family was doing their whole late-night New York City binge eating thing like they do best, and Suri was photographed being the paparazzi ham that she is. No other celebrity kid tackles that camera head-on and gives them the faces that they want, and frankly? I like that about her. I mean, even aside from the fact that she’s just freaking adorable, she’s got moxie and gut, and maybe if we’re lucky, she’ll put Big Man Tom in his place one day. I mean, SOME woman’s gotta, and it’s apparent that Katie‘s not up to the task, you know?

It’s a spin class!  The matching grey sweatsuits are symbols of love!

No, but really, that’s what happened.  Katie Holmes’ birthday was yesterday, so Tom Cruise flew to New York and in a true display of thoughtfulness and romance, he took her to a spin class.  Granted, he did take her to “an intimate dinner” afterwards, but come on now.  Is that how you say “happy birthday” to the mother of your child, Tom Cruise?

And I know that for some couples, this is great.  This would be an awesome birthday activity to share together.  But somehow, I’m not sure Katie is feeling it so much.  Maybe it’s the paparazzi – you can’t look happy all the time.  Or maybe it’s her dead-inside eyes that are cast down to the ground, as if the last rays of hope for rescue are just draining out of her.

Yeah, I think it’s that last one.

“I enjoyed them all! I never felt I chose badly, and I was always happy when the next man came along. I can usually last about two years with a man, and that’s it. The moment the relationship goes into the phase of more commitment, it changes.”

Cher, referring to dating Tom Cruise, Richie Sambora, and Val Kilmer in their younger days.

Apparently, this is Madonna’s inspiration, but nobody does it better than Cher, even if they did sleep with Jesus. Ever.

Ever since Katie Holmes and Victoria Beckham became BFFs and their families started hanging out all the time, people have been suspicious that their friendship was sealed by TomKat’s controversial religion, Scientology. Scientology is known for attracting celebrity followers, and Tom Cruise is responsible for introducing many of the most famous Scientologists to the church.

In this month’s issue of Marie Claire, Victoria addresses the rumors that Xenu brought her and her husband together with Tom and Katie, saying, “We aren’t Scientologists. We really don’t know very much about it. I mean, Tom and Katie – they’ve mentioned it to us. But, no, they didn’t try to hook us and reel us in. It never really crops up.”

So there you have it.

In another bout of ass-kissery sanctioned by Moco Jumbie or whoever it is that today’s Scientologists bow to, Katie Holmes picks up the slack that she’s dropped by not speaking of Tom in the media for a week or whatever, and pours all of her affection and adoration into one interview. Or fucking else.

I have been calling Tom Cruise crazy for years. It’s like my favorite thing to do. Pre-Oprah couch-jumping, I was really into learning about Scientology and that’s what really got me on the “Tom Cruise is mental” train. And then you know how sometimes you think that someone’s mental for so long that you forget that they’re talented? And when you’re watching them in movies you’re like, “Yeah, cool story, Banana Brains. I seen you jumping on couches and you ruined that girl from Dawson’s”? And so you know when you’re there with someone and you think you’re never going to go back and then they put something out there that blows your mind and you’re just like, “Fuck your craziness! Actually, I want to marry your craziness! I’d get crazy with your talented ass for days, boy!”

That’s how I feel about Tom Cruise playing his alter ego, Les Grossman, in these MTV Promos. I talked about it yesterday, but this new Risky Business one is what helped me work through these feelings and come out on the other side with a whole thought.

I got lost in his crazy, guys. That’s all. It’s fine if he believes in aliens and won’t let his wife talk during birth and he’s basically at the head of a pyramid scheme that’s ruined hundreds of thousands of lives. So the fuck what? I can still laugh!

The MTV Movie Awards are coming up and promos for the show are just starting to come out. This one starring Tom Cruise and Taylor Lautner is pretty fucking hilarious and if this is any indication of how funny the show (hosted by Aziz Ansari) will be, then welllllllll… it won’t be another Wayans Brothers at the VMAs incident.

Tom Cruise has a history of doing funny things for the Movie Awards. You all probably remember this great bit he did with Ben Stiller back in the Mission: Impossible days. For a crazy person, the guy’s pretty on point.

Because the dude is actually sounding somewhat coherent, reserved and approachable in his recent interview with Esquire magazine. For real. The article is titled, “The Making (and Remaking) of Tom Cruise,” and I, personally, think it has a lot to do with, uh, “remaking” his medication regimen, because the boy hasn’t sounded this clear and concise since his Top Gun days, and even those were somewhat, well … leading days.

On the dad that he kind of hated:

“I remember looking at my dad and wanting to understand him. I didn’t want to just write the guy off. He was lost. I can’t speak specifically in terms of why and how he got to where he was — that was his journey. All I can tell you is, he was overwhelmed by life… My mother basically did all the work, and then they got separated and I didn’t see him for a long time. He didn’t try to help the family financially or spiritually, and I lived with the effects of the chaos … I found out he was dying, and I went to see him in the hospital. He knew that he’d blown it. There was deep regret. I think he was torturing himself. We tend to do that. All I could do was tell him, ‘Look, it’s okay.’ I wasn’t going to live in blame and regret. I wanted to understand what happened. I wanted to understand, so I could answer the question, What can I do to make things better? … “

On what family means to him:

“You hear about people who have lifelong friends. I never was in a place long enough to have them. So that role was filled by my family … If anyone was teasing my sisters, I really felt it… I’d create different characters and ad-lib sketches to make my sisters and my mother feel better. I’d try to make them laugh. I’d do Donald Duck as John Wayne. I’d watch Soul Train and imitate the dancers. I guess you can say that’s where it started … “

On his big break into stardom:

“The audition [for Taps] was in New York. I said one line. That was it. I had long hair at the time, so they said, ‘Hold up your hair.’ Then ‘Thank you.’ I don’t know why, but… I thought I’d get it. It wasn’t arrogance. I had a quarter in my pocket — and that was it. I’m telling you: I didn’t have bus fare to get back to where my mom was living in Jersey. I remember… standing outside the Holland Tunnel, and hitchhiking. I walked up the driveway and saw my mother. It was a distance, but I remember her face. She looked at me and I looked at her, and I thought, I got it.”

On the Infamous Oprah Interview:

“What happened, happened… I wanted the audience to be happy just like I wanted to make my sisters and my mother happy when I did those skits as a kid. But I’ll take responsibility for my actions… Afterward, wild things were being said about me, and once they’re in the ether, there’s nothing you can do about it. It felt like being the new kid in the schoolyard again and the other kids are whispering and whispering about you and suddenly you hear what they’re saying, and you think, What? That didn’t happen. Look at the reality of the situation.”

So, that leads me to believe one thing: that Tom Cruise definitely has other people ghost-give his interviews. There’s no other explanation for his recent lucidity. Aside from Thorazine, that is.

Tom Cruise made an appearance on Oprah yesterday where he revealed that his four-year-old daughter Suri dictated the fashion in his house, selecting dresses for Katie Holmes to wear at award ceremonies and telling Cruise what to wear.  She’s been doing a pretty good job – when was the last time you looked at Tom Cruise and thought he was insane based on his clothing choices?

Say what you will about the Cruise family being crazy, but Suri is fucking adorable.  Bunny ears and shit.  Precious!

You have no idea the lengths I went to in order to procure this video. It’s been “removed” everywhere on YouTube (Scientology seems to frown upon frivolity) and it probably won’t be too long before The (Scientology) Man finds out that we’ve worked the system and posted an “illegal” and highly embarrassing video.

Anyway, the video presents Katie Holmes’ rendition of “Whatever Lola Wants,” and it would have been pretty okay if husband Tom didn’t force her to include him in the performance, which was intended for A Fine Romance Benefit at 20th Century Fox, held earlier in the week.

The singing’s not that great (although it was fortuitously better than what I expected), but Tom’s “I’m not at all gay” performance really kind of ruined the entire thing for me and probably everyone in attendance.

The raucous applause at the end? Because the uncomfortable, skin-crawling performance, not unlike watching one of your parents slip the other the tongue, was over.