I hate you for being the overexposed reality stars that you are (and yup, I’m totally aware that I only contribute to the absurdity by writing about you), I hate you for helping young adults to think that life on The Hills is what real life is actually like, and I hate the way that you so shamelessly fuck the media in public, and at every opportunity that you can muster.

This “divorce” that the two douche asses have been talking about as of late? Yeah, total confirmed BS obviously. Heidi and Spencer, famewhore and famewhorette respectively, were caught frenching at the Santa Barbara zoo yesterday for Heidi’s birthday. And, you know, if it were any other couple on the face of the earth (say like Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green) that were reconciling, I’d be like, “Aw, damn, see? True love always sometimes wins out — even in the face of alimony.” But no. Not these two. I actually hate the fact that they’re getting back together or “seeing each other,” or whatever other 7th grade status label they’re going to affix to their relationship for the public eye. Because that’s what it’s all for — the public eye. And I hate it. And I hate it most of all because it means that I’m probably going to continue writing about these two talentless schmoes until they finally do drop off of the radar, and thus continue to do my part in perpetuating the self-absorbed filth that they peddle.

This is very bad news for me, and for mankind in general.

For four years we’ve watched The Hills grow from a Laguna Beach spin-off to one of the highest rated shows on cable to a nearly unwatchable faux-reality snoozefest and last night it all came to an end. And it honestly was one of the best finale’s I’ve seen in a minute.

After wrapping up all of the story lines and addressing that pretty much everyone in the cast is ready to move on to a life without The Hills crew following them, the series ended with the above montage. Natasha Bedingfield sings a slow jammy version of the show’s theme over the cast members doing “moving on” type things, like hugging their boyfriends and looking happy and secure. We’re prepared to let them go knowing that they’re all about to go off and live life. Then they cut to the last thing we’ll ever see: Brody Jenner standing in front of the Hollywood sign, watching his ex-girlfriend Kristin leave for the airport. And then the background starts moving and a studio backlot is revealed. Kristin hops out of the car and she and Brody high-five as the camera lifts off of them and into one of those aerial shots that made up like, a third of the show.  Yo, they were in on their own bit.

The Hills started the week I moved to Los Angeles, and last week I celebrated my four year anniversary in this town. This show, lame as it is to say, has been a part of my life and experience here. I cried when Lauren and Heidi stopped being friends, guys. It was like that. So it meant a lot to me that the show ended this thoughtfully. I don’t think that when cameras first started rolling on the project that they ever knew it would take them to where it did, but that’s kind of the way things work here.

I’ll be the first to admit that I give too much attention to famewhores, but you guys are going to have to meet me in the middle on this one because these photos of Heidi Montag and her “friend” Jen Bunney are effing priceless.

Here’s the backstory: So Heidi and Spencer are “taking a break” from their fake marriage and Heidi during that time Heidi is going to stay with Jen Bunney, who you all probably recognize as Lauren Conrad’s former-BFF from Laguna Beach and the first couple seasons of The Hills. It’s interesting that Jen and Heidi would stick together, but not exactly hard to believe. We can’t forget that Jen and Lauren are no longer friends because Jen hooked up with Brody Jenner right after he’d hooked up with Lauren and the entire thing was facilitated by Lauren’s roommate and other BFF, Heidi.

Cut to today, Heidi’s parked her sad ass in front of Jen’s pool with her dogs and some paparazzi for what she does best: A totally staged photo shoot. And yes, I’m feeding into it by taking the photos from OK and posting them here, but suck it. These are the best photos I’ve seen in forever and they’ll be really hard to top.

1. Heidi can’t act, so her emotions during this photo set go from “sad” to “sexy” to “devastated” to “check out my ass”. It’s really quite the interesting mix.
2. Jen Bunney could not look more fucking thrilled to have people paying attention to her again
3. Heidi, for all the money that she spent on wrecking her face, dresses like Kendra before she got to the Playboy Mansion. Cheap, cheap, cheap. It was $1 Flip Flop Day at Old Navy recently, Heidi. You should have sent your assistant.

Alright, enjoy:

I still watch The Hills. It started the day after I moved to LA, I was a huge Laguna Beach fan, so obviously I still check in with The Hills. And you know, some might argue that the show fell off after the second season because all the characters because paparazzi targets with clothing lines, but I still think they bring the heat. Or at least the warmth. It’s the snack cakes of television. If you’re in the right mood, it’s crazy delicious, but you’d be mortified if anyone you respect saw you enjoying it.

Check out this trailer above and tell me you disagree. We got coke rumors with Kristin, a new Frankenface for Heidi, yet another repressed homosexual meltdown from Spencer… and that’s just what we’re getting up front! And how sad does Stephanie Pratt make you? “JUST BE YOURSELF, GIRL! FIGURE OUT WHO YOU ARE!” (That’s what I want to say to her.)

Who’s with me on this? Anyone?

After six ridiculous seasons and $2.4 billion worth of combined plastic surgeries, MTV’s The Hills is entering its last season.

Um … yay.

I didn’t even realize that one, the show’s been on this long already and two, that it’s just now being cancelled … I totally thought Heidi and her cohorts were as synthetic as they could be. They should have started calling the show Plastic Peaks a few seasons back.

Anyway, a rep for MTV states that the ladies’ character development have reached their precipice and they’ve achieved everything they’ve sought out to — read: the females of The Hills are going to start looking like Jocelyn Wildenstein, and MTV wants no part of it.

The final 12 episodes are slated to begin airing this April 27th and will run its course through the summer.

Congrats to MTV for finally coming to their senses. ‘Tis a good year.

Kristin played around on the beach while filming an upcoming episode of The Hills. As is usually the case with “stars” of The Hills, I found myself wondering aloud why she’s famous. But I think if you have abs like that, you are required to be famous. Otherwise, it just wouldn’t be fair to all us normal, non-famous, schlubs with normal, non-famous squishy mid-sections.

According to Audrina Patridge, there will be a 5th season of The Hills.  I don’t know what the public has done to deserve this but apparently the four remaining fans launched an aggressive letter writing campaign and have prevailed.

Audrina was really bummed out because she wanted to do more movies.  I don’t blame her.  She’s currently filming Sorority Row which is about a bunch of college girls who kill their housemother.  And once you’ve had your hands on quality material like that, who needs a gig like The Hills?  Audrina, people can’t afford to keep their homes.  You are being paid  35k an episode to inflict your talentless self upon innocent channel surfers.  Be grateful.

The Hills is coming back, kids, and I can’t wait!!!

The trailer premiered tonight, and it looks like season three has everything:

Lauren, still with headbands and adorable facial expressions! And she’s dating like a guy! And kissing foreigners!

Heidi! Now with lighter eyebrows!

Spencer! When you need something to help you throw up that pizza you shouldn’t have eaten, he’s still the next-best thing to your fingers!

Whitney! Now with an actual storyline!

Audrina! Still with no actual storyline!

And making a return this season:

Brody Jenner, sticking to the good-looks-with-no- personality-to-complicate-it M.O.!

Jason Wahler, back from rehab! And back in Lauren’s life!!!

And if you’ve been jonesing for some good old-fashioned Heidi/Lauren conflict, there appears to be a fantastic “You know what you did” scene. Someone’s been taking lessons from Paris Hilton …

The Hills premieres August 13 on MTV.