Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Taylor Swift

Quotables: Taylor Swift and Michael J. Fox are BFFs Now, Don’t Worry

photo of michael j fox and taylor swift pictures

Hey everybody, Michael J. Fox got in touch with me today and we are good. Thank you for having my back.

Ugh, can I tell you just how much I hate this comment (which came directly from Taylor Swift’s Twitter page)? Because if I were an unbalanced person, something like this from someone like her about someone like him could really, really ruin my whole f-cking day. As it were, I am not an unbalanced person, and something like this, though ridiculous, about a simple shithead who has no idea who she is in comparison to a legend like Michael J. Fox, will not ruin my day. I just have one request, though—can someone please, please give Michael J. Fox a call and tell him to say this, verbatim?:

“I have no idea what this crazy Taylor Swift bitch is talking about—I don’t even have Taylor Swift’s telephone number for fear of accidentally passing it along to an seventeen-year-old boy with judgement issues.”

Moral of the story? Taylor Swift is the most annoying little shit who’s ever lived. The end.

Quotables: Michael J. Fox Doesn’t Like Taylor Swift All That Much

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No. No … Just back off. I don’t keep up with it all, but Taylor Swift writes songs about everyone she goes out with, right? [I probably] wouldn’t even know who she was [if my son brought her home]. ‘Sam, You Piece of S**t.’ Oh … that was the girl you brought home.

—Michael J. Fox on telling his son “no f-cking way” if it came down to dating Taylor Swift.

Burned by Marty McFly? Does it get any worse than that? Somehow I don’t think so.

… Tuck your teeth in, Taylor. You’re starting to look silly.

Taylor Swift Hit on Bradley Cooper, Bradley Cooper Was Like “LOL, No”

A photo of Bradley Cooper

From Radar:

You just know there’s another song that’s going to written from this: Taylor Swift wants to hook up with Bradley Cooper, RadarOnline.com has learned exclusively.  And now the superstar singer has asked  pal Jennifer Lawrence to introduce her to Silver Linings Playbook co-star Bradley.

The newly single 23-year-old country music singer desperately wants to date the hunky Hangover actor and has begged Jennifer, 22, to set up them up. However, when Jennifer sounded Bradley, 38, out about Taylor he said he wasn’t interested and that she was too young for him!

“Bradley has absolutely no intention of getting together with Taylor,” a source told RadarOnline.com.

“First of all, her reputation precedes her. Bradley is very wary of dating someone who is a bit of a serial dater like Taylor.

“He thinks she’s far too young for him and wants to date someone his own age, not 16-years younger because he’s ready for something serious.

“It was a little awkward for Bradley . Jennifer came to him and told him that Taylor was interested in getting together. He had to politely decline, knowing full well that Jennifer and Taylor are friends. It was an ambitious move from Taylor, but she’s going to have fixate on someone else as Bradley’s just not that into her,” the source divulged.

Oh my gosh, you guys, excuse me while I laugh all over the place. I’m laughing so much because I know in my heart that this happened, and that Bradley Cooper‘s face throughout the whole thing was hilarious. Oh, and also because I’m sure Jennifer Lawrence was awkward about it.

The only thing that doesn’t make me laugh is the thought of how Taylor took the rejection. Hint: I’m sure it wasn’t good. Extra hint: let’s all hope that Taylor doesn’t know how to make legit voodoo dolls.

Taylor Swift Is So Over Miley Cyrus

A photo of Taylor Swift

A lot of you guys have been saying that Taylor Swift is going to have this epic meltdown soon, and while I always believed you, it was always more of a “huh, yeah” kind of belief as opposed to an “OMG yes” belief. But OMG, you guys. I am a total believer now.

Take, for instance, Taylor’s demeanor at the Golden Globes on Sunday. There was her bitch giggle at Adele, of course, but I also saw, after looking through several photos, that she never really smiled at all during the event. And I know she doesn’t have to smile if she doesn’t want to, but it’s Taylor Swift. Taylor Swift wears white fluffy dresses and smiles at all times and lets out a squeal every now and then. Taylor Swift does not wear dark, sleek dresses, and she definitely, definitely does not look mean. Until now, I guess.

What I’m saying is that maybe her last breakup really got to her. Maybe every breakup before this one was some big buildup to a breakdown. That sounds plausible, right? Maybe, like Katy Perry, she’s going to get really dark. Except with Taylor, dark means crazy and scary and dangerous.

Anyway, here’s this new rumor about how Taylor doesn’t want to hang out with Miley Cyrus anymore. I think it reinforces the crazy vibe:

Taylor Swift is no longer interested in being friends with Miley Cyrus — because the teen star is too mach of a wild child!

According to American tabloid the National Enquirer, Taylor is worried Miley’s bad behavior will tarnish her own carefully crafted good-girl image.

“Taylor refuses to hang out with Miley anymore,” revealed a close source. “She’s telling friends there’s no place in her life for Miley and her crazy antics.

“She’s so worried that Miley is a a loose cannon that she decided to make a clean break. She did it without any explanation to avoid any kind of scandalous confrontation.

“Miley is furious! She’s trashing Taylor as a back-stabbing fake.

“It’s going to take a miracle to save Miley and Taylor’s friendship.”

See? That doesn’t really make any sense, does it? Like I can see this kind of thing leading to Taylor cutting her mom out of her life, because maybe her mom was seen having a margarita in public, and god forbid.

Basically, I’m gong to go ahead and put Taylor on an official Crazy Watch. I think it’s pretty justified.

Everybody Loves Adele (Except Taylor Swift)

Probably my favorite time of awards season is when Adele wins something. This is for a couple reasons: one, it means that the world is, at times, anyway, fair and good and smart enough to award this goddess, and two, it means that Adele will accept the award. And Adele gives the best acceptance speeches.

Take that one up there, for example. Adele won the award for her song “Skyfall,” as she should have, and she accepted it in her usual charming way. And everyone loved it, because everyone always loves Adele. That is, everyone but Taylor Swift. If you watch the video through the part where the camera cuts to Taylor’s reaction, you can see that she very much does not love Adele.

Oh my god, but just look at her bitchy little giggle. Ok, now look at it again. I just watched it like twenty times in a row, and it still hasn’t gotten old. Is there a GIF yet? YES:

I’m so glad we could share this moment together.

Taylor Swift Is Already Recording Songs About Harry Styles

A photo of Taylor Swift

THIS BITCH. Ugh. I’m going to have to take a minute, so let me just go ahead and show you why so that you can take a minute too, and then we’ll come back together:

THIS BITCH. Seriously? Harry Styles must have done something really, really awful to get Taylor riled up like this. I’m starting to definitely believe that story about how he was the one who broke up with her after she got too clingy and possessive. Wouldn’t that just tear her to pieces? She’d be going along, thinking the relationship was perfect and everything was wonderful, but in reality she was being her usual crazy self, and he couldn’t take it. That’s what I’m leaning towards. Well, either that, or she caught him cheating.

Anyway, I just can’t believe how often this girl treats her music like a threat. That’s all.

Surprise: Harry Styles Broke Up with Taylor Swift Because She’s Crazy

A photo of Harry Styles and Taylor Swift

Boy howdy (is that a thing people say?), I bet you didn’t see that one coming! These two kids just broke up a few days ago, so the rumors are just now beginning to come out. You knew you’d see them here, but how could you know that they would paint Taylor Swift in such a crazy light?

Here, I’ll break it down for you: Taylor Swift is crazy. She is clingy and obsessive and weird. She is like Edward in Twilight, without the sparkles and the superpowers. She will sneak into your bedroom at night to watch you sleep, but you’ll know she’s there because you can hear her breathing. She’s creepy. It’s a fact.

But to get into specifics, she’s the kind of girl who doesn’t want her boyfriend to talk to anyone else with a vagina. Harry is still good friends with an ex-girlfriend, and Taylor didn’t like it. In fact, she didn’t like it to the point where she was “nagging him, quizzing him on his intentions with various women and generally having very little faith in him,” and then “it all became too much and Harry found her a little too demanding.” I don’t think any of us will have any problem believing that, right?

Another story adds that since Taylor is more famous than Harry, “she always brushed off his schedule and needs and put hers first.” When they got into a fight about it, Taylor allegedly told him “you’re lucky to be with me.” Yikes. Oh, but the source for this story also mentions that Harry “wasn’t committed enough for her liking,” which I’m assuming means that he wasn’t interested in getting married on their second date.

I don’t know about you guys, but I feel like some congratulations are in order. Little Harry Styles is so young, but he managed to hop off the crazy train so soon! I think that shows an amazing kind of strength that not many possess. He also has excellent timing: Taylor just released a new album. She won’t release a new one for at least a year, and when there are songs about Harry on there, which there definitely will be, everyone will be like “jeez, girl, don’t be so pathetic.” At least, that’s the way things play out in my head. It also includes some stuff with a bucket of blood and telekinesis, but I really don’t want to get into all of it right now.