Probably my favorite time of awards season is when Adele wins something. This is for a couple reasons: one, it means that the world is, at times, anyway, fair and good and smart enough to award this goddess, and two, it means that Adele will accept the award. And Adele gives the best acceptance speeches.
Take that one up there, for example. Adele won the award for her song “Skyfall,” as she should have, and she accepted it in her usual charming way. And everyone loved it, because everyone always loves Adele. That is, everyone but Taylor Swift. If you watch the video through the part where the camera cuts to Taylor’s reaction, you can see that she very much does not love Adele.
Oh my god, but just look at her bitchy little giggle. Ok, now look at it again. I just watched it like twenty times in a row, and it still hasn’t gotten old. Is there a GIF yet? YES:
THIS BITCH. Ugh. I’m going to have to take a minute, so let me just go ahead and show you why so that you can take a minute too, and then we’ll come back together:
THIS BITCH. Seriously? Harry Styles must have done something really, really awful to get Taylor riled up like this. I’m starting to definitely believe that story about how he was the one who broke up with her after she got too clingy and possessive. Wouldn’t that just tear her to pieces? She’d be going along, thinking the relationship was perfect and everything was wonderful, but in reality she was being her usual crazy self, and he couldn’t take it. That’s what I’m leaning towards. Well, either that, or she caught him cheating.
Anyway, I just can’t believe how often this girl treats her music like a threat. That’s all.
Boy howdy (is that a thing people say?), I bet you didn’t see that one coming! These two kids just broke up a few days ago, so the rumors are just now beginning to come out. You knew you’d see them here, but how could you know that they would paint Taylor Swift in such a crazy light?
Here, I’ll break it down for you: Taylor Swift is crazy. She is clingy and obsessive and weird. She is like Edward in Twilight, without the sparkles and the superpowers. She will sneak into your bedroom at night to watch you sleep, but you’ll know she’s there because you can hear her breathing. She’s creepy. It’s a fact.
But to get into specifics, she’s the kind of girl who doesn’t want her boyfriend to talk to anyone else with a vagina. Harry is still good friends with an ex-girlfriend, and Taylor didn’t like it. In fact, she didn’t like it to the point where she was “nagging him, quizzing him on his intentions with various women and generally having very little faith in him,” and then “it all became too much and Harry found her a little too demanding.” I don’t think any of us will have any problem believing that, right?
Another story adds that since Taylor is more famous than Harry, “she always brushed off his schedule and needs and put hers first.” When they got into a fight about it, Taylor allegedly told him “you’re lucky to be with me.” Yikes. Oh, but the source for this story also mentions that Harry “wasn’t committed enough for her liking,” which I’m assuming means that he wasn’t interested in getting married on their second date.
I don’t know about you guys, but I feel like some congratulations are in order. Little Harry Styles is so young, but he managed to hop off the crazy train so soon! I think that shows an amazing kind of strength that not many possess. He also has excellent timing: Taylor just released a new album. She won’t release a new one for at least a year, and when there are songs about Harry on there, which there definitely will be, everyone will be like “jeez, girl, don’t be so pathetic.” At least, that’s the way things play out in my head. It also includes some stuff with a bucket of blood and telekinesis, but I really don’t want to get into all of it right now.
It’s your girl Taylor Swift here, and I just wanted to let you know that I’m, like, totally OK with this Harry Styles breakup thing. I really only used him for publicity, and to push that one photo that one time where I was holding a baby, because seriously: I’ve found that nothing attracts a man better than showing him that you’re a clingy, blonde-haired lady who gives great creep-eye while holding a baby like, “I’m going to be the best baby-mama ever!” And that was really my whole endgame here. I knew that picture would go viral and I knew that there would just be gads and gads of young men and … men who’d be queuing up to be my baby-daddy, so this Harry Styles thing was totally just a cover-up. Ahem. Of course.
So no, I’m totally not bumming over this at all, because surprise! I’m totally already dating someone else and I’m gonna take him home and hug him and kiss him and squeeze him with all my heart and be such a great friend and … where was I? Right. You’ll see who it is in a few days, I’m sure, and you’ll just love him as much as I already do, always and always.
Bluebells and apple pies and Sunday scohol,
Sunshine and daisies and vintage hats bought on Etsy,
That thing where Emily told you guys that Harry and Taylor were in “love” and in it for the long haul? That thing she mentioned the other day about the two of them tying the knot? Well, forget about it, because the whole shebang’s off, and it’s because girlfriend and boyfriend just can’t get along. SADFACE.
Did you see Taylor’s Twitter feed lately? Well, if Taylor can be expected to act like Taylor, she’s being all passive-aggressive and doing her her thing. The most telling Tweet of all says, “… ’til you put me down,” and Taylor Swift Drama Experts are saying that it’s a lyric from her song, ‘I Knew You Were Trouble’. The preceding lyric states, “Flew me to places I’d never been,” and the Tweet about being all put down and what not was fired off right around the time she got back from Virgin Gorda, where she spent the New Year with Harry Styles … who “flew [her] to places [she'd] never been” … but then she left alone. It’s been confirmed that Taylor flew off the island the very same day Harry left separately to go party at Richard Branson’s house at nearby Necker Island.
No reps for either party have confirmed, denied, or even mentioned a possible split, but I’m pretty sure it’s safe to say that it’s over. I mean, honestly—when Swifty starts being all revealing on Twitter, you know shit’s about to get real.
Oh, Haylor. A love so young yet so precious. A love that has captured the heart of a generation. A love that is not as good as that 17-year-old Kennedy thing, but that’s still pretty ok. It is simply … Haylor.
Haylor, just in case you live under a merciful, protective rock, is the nickname of power couple Taylor Swift and Harry Styles. They love each other, like, a lot. So much that they’re already thinking of getting married, and that idea is apparently serious enough for Taylor’s dad to not love it so much:
One Direction’s Harry Styles has been ordered by girlfriend Taylor Swift’s dad: “Don’t break my daughter’s heart.”
The teen heart-throb has had a man-to-man chat with Scott Kingsley Swift, 60, who has guided his daughter’s glittering pop career.
A source said: “He likes Harry but he wants them to slow down and take things easy. It’s clear to everyone they are smitten with one another and already talking about marriage. He doesn’t want them to split up as fast as they’ve got together and for Taylor to end up devastated.”
After the chat, Taylor, 23, and Harry, 18, flew to the British Virginia Isles for a romantic break — their third in three months.
Oh man, wouldn’t it be so tiring to be Taylor Swift’s dad? He’s got to just be like “Taylor, you’re 23, do you have any maturity yet?” And she’d be like “I want to get married, Dad, GOD.” And then he’d be like “whatever, I’m taking one of your credit cards with me to the titty bar.” And she’d be like “you’re so gross, Dad, get out of my human sized birdcage!” And he’d wonder just where he went wrong.
But hey, I just want to note that I am absolutely sick of being teased with Taylor Swift weddings. Piss or get of the pot, sister.
I know, guys, I thought that this was The One, too. It hurts, doesn’t it? When there’s talk of such a power couple like Taylor Swift and Harry Styles splitting, it has a way of hurting all of us. The pain is too much to bear, but I’ll try to soldier on.
The issue, apparently, is that Taylor just doesn’t like hanging out with Harry. Or she likes hanging out with him when their mouths are occupied (I MEAN FRENCHING), but when it’s time to have an actual conversation, she just can’t take it. They just don’t have anything to talk about. And that’s why Taylor is “already thinking of moving on.”
You know, maybe they don’t have anything to talk about because Harry is an 18-year-old boy and Taylor is a crazy obsessed girlfriend, always. Maybe it’s because Taylor’s heart still hasn’t healed from her Kennedy. Maybe Taylor realizes that she hasn’t gotten nearly as much press about this relationship as she did with her last 18-year-old boyfriend, and she’s on the hunt for her next dude. I don’t know, I can’t say. The only thing I can really say for sure is UGH TAYLOR STOP.