Wow, between this and the new American Pie movie, I guess it’s going to be TARA REID‘S YEAR. I know there’s only a few months left in 2011 (frigging scary as that is), but girlfriend’s going to do it up right.

So Tara Reid’s boyfriend (who I didn’t even know existed and who obviously likes fake appendages, recovering alcoholics, and women who suffer lifelong consequences from bad decisions), apparently popped the question this past weekend on a holiday in Greece. Tara was not only so excited that she said ‘yes’ with no reservations, she struck while the iron was hot and her boyfriend was still drunk. According to the chronological order of Tara’s tweets:

“I got engaged!”

“Greece married!”

“Just got married in greece I love being a wife.”

These all came in within hours of one another. Today she’s thanking everyone in the world, including both the Dalai Lama and Deepak Chopra. Congrats, Tara. No need to say thanks, girl, it’s implied.

Can you guys seriously believe that American Pie came out twelve years ago? TWELVE YEARS AGO. It was on television the other night and I happened to catch, like, the last twenty minutes of it and it took me way, way back. I was sixteen when the movie came out and it seems like it was just yesterday. Frightening, really, how fast the time has gone since 1999.

Either way, it’s pretty awesome that they’re making a reunion movie, because not only will it be fun to reminisce over with old friends, it’s giving Tara Reid and Chris Klein the only jobs they’ve had in years. You just know that’s the mark of a good movie: one that serves multiple purposes, you know?

Were the American Pie movies (well, at least the first one anyway, they all kind of sucked hard after the first one) an integral part of your adolescence, too?

We haven’t really heard from Tara Reid since May, when she partied a tooth out and started looking like a crazy ol’ cokehead, but it’ll be July tomorrow, everyone, so obviously it’s time to check in on this girl.  What could she possibly be doing these days, you might ask.  Oh, just attempting to steal shopping carts from the Walgreens, same old, same old:

Kooky Tara Reid has a bizarre way of making new friends in Atlanta while shooting the latest “American Pie” movie. The disheveled-looking actress stopped two strangers in a Walgreens parking lot over the weekend, a source said, to ask where the “nearest Mexican restaurant was. She was wearing torn jeans and a pink hoodie, despite the 90-degree heat. She was pushing a shopping cart with her dog in it.” While Reid’s parking-lot pals gave her directions, a Walgreens manager emerged and ordered Reid to return her cart. “She whined, ‘I’m just borrowing it,’ ” our amused spy said. But Atlanta, it seems, isn’t Hollywood. “Ma’am, please, we don’t have that many,” said the clerk, whom Reid argued with before ditching the cart, grabbing the dog, and storming off.

I’m not going to touch the fact that they’re shooting yet another American Pie, that’s just too much cinematic tragedy, but stealing shopping carts, really? That’s classic Tara.  It’s also classic Crazy Homeless Lady, but I think it might work just a little better for Tara. After all, she can do anything she dreams of, if she only dreams hard enough.

But don’t take it like I think she’s clean or anything – she probably just substituted her daily thousand-calorie alcoholic beverages with a few extra bumps of coke and that’s why she looks like this now. I’m sure, in a few months when the numbness of her gums wear off, we’ll see girlfriend put some major water weight back on. I’m confident.

In the meantime, expect to see lots of nipple-flashing, tooth losing, down and dirty fun, courtesy of the Original Late-Nineties Party Girl, Tara Reid, ’cause that’s just what coke does to this bitch.

What do you reckon is in that big old bag of hers?

I know you were all just dying to know what your girl Tara Reid‘s been up to, and I can say with conviction, that it’s way better than any crazy thing you could think of. What could possibly top the (NSFW) Frankenboob incident? A lame tooth. Literally, a lame tooth.

According to In Touch Weekly:

It seems nothing — and we mean nothing — can ruin a good time for party girl extraordinaire Tara Reid. According to an eyewitness at the Oasis Beach Club in India, Alkif., on April 14, Tara, 35, was having a ball when one of her front teeth popped out. Instead of calling it a night, “Tara got on her hands and knees and searched the floor,” says the witness, “and when she found it, she pulled out some glue, glued it back in and just continued partying!”

That, my friends? Is what you call hardcore. I mean, I was pretty hardcore back in the day with my partying, and I might have lost a contact or something, found it on the floor and popped it in my mouth to clean it off before putting it back in my eye, but a TOOTH? Jeez. That’s some serious shit right there, you guys.

Poor Tara Reid. Her story really does kill me: Woman breaks out in a couple of pretty big movie roles, is instantly handed money and fame, reacts to it like many “normal” people do and turns to partying and alcohol, ruins her name, gets bad plastic surgery, ruins her name again and is now doing shitty parodies of her greatest hits for a comedy website. And we thought Lindsay Lohan was a mess, right?

This week’s plastic surgery gallery focuses on Tara, who quite famously had a boob job and a botched tummy tuck. The more I look at photos of her from over the years, I have to wonder if she’s done something to her face as well. Perhaps a slight nose job or some facial fillers?

Check out the gallery (and be warned, there’s a NSFW photo in there of her infamous 2004 wardrobe malfunction) and let me know in the comments what kind of work you think Tara’s had done… Also, on the off chance this bitch receives Google Alerts for her own name, you might want to throw in some suggestions for her next career move. She’d probably appreciate it.

Tara Reid hasn’t had much luck with her career since her breakout role in The Big Lebowski, so it makes sense that she’d have a special place in her heart for the Coen Brother’s classic, but her new FunnyOrDie video feels like less of a tribute and more of a “I can’t let go of one of the only successful things I’ve ever done,” thing.

The video, which is a mock trailer for The Big Lebowski 2, features Tara playing the parts of everyone’s favorite characters from the original Big Lebowski. It also features Tara’s terrible acting, which is exaggerated greatly by the fact that all she does to slip in to each role is lower her voice a couple octaves. For most of this video she sounds like a child doing an impression of her father. Humiliating.

Don’t you hate it when a celebrity does a FunnyOrDie video and they somehow seem to wind up on the outside of the joke?

Oh, Tara Reid. Just when I think you’ve gone and turned into a drug-addled, barbiturate-loving housewife to some uber-geek that has a weird infatuation with high school sex movies of the late nineties, or, you know, died of acute alcohol intoxication, you re-emerge like the Cryptkeeper.

Our girl Tara was photographed just last night in St. Barts, France (I need to know who’s paying for this woman’s airfare; is there some kind of Tara Reid Entertainment Coalition that I’m unaware of? Because I totally want to book her for my daughter’s party).  Tara, naturally, was looking worse for the wear like the washed-up alkie that she is like classic Tara Reid – glazed, red eyes, smoking, and sitting on some random dude’s lap with bits of flayed nipple and lopsided cleavage hanging out hither and thither.

And here I thought she was gone for awhile. Can’t spring surprises like that on me, guys. This ticker of mine just can’t take Tara Reid like it used to.

1. It took less than a day of Tara being on vacation (and around paparazzi again) to show the cameras her ass.
2. She clearly has no memory of putting on a thong that morning/wearing a shirt as a dress.
3. She’s still using a T-Mobile SideKick that she most likely got for free at a gifting suite five years ago when that phone was more relevant than she’s ever been.

Pray for a flashed titty, guys. I know she has it in her.

Look who’s totally still alive and kickin’ and totally still going on vacations with her ex-fiance! Ahh! It’s Tara Reid! Amazing. Tara and Michael Axtmann (who’s now just her boyfriend, I guess?) are in Saint Tropez enjoying the same luxuries as even actual famous people. I have to say, Tara’s looking pretty good. A little on the skinny side, but good.

Oh, jeez! Look who’s back! It’s my favorite drunken party skank, Tara Reid and she’s on the cover of Playboy!

The completely unemployable actress has had a really rough go the last couple of years between dealing with what was clearly a substance abuse problem and a series of botched plastic surgeries that left her body looking like shrink-wrapped cottage cheese stapled to the inside of a leather purse. She’s undergone more surgeries to remove a lot of the scarring that she experienced and now she’s showing off her goods in a nudie mag so we all know that she’s “back in action” or something. Tara (now 34 years old! Can you believe it? Time flies!) told a New York radio station “That’s part of the reason why I did Playboy, to show people, ‘Right, look at me. This is how I look now.’”, referring to those horrible tummy tuck scars we all saw.

I wonder what the other reasons for doing Playboy were. Perhaps the fact that it was her only paying gig since a club appearance in New Mexico or a straight to DVD film? Perhaps because there really was nothing to say about the woman that hasn’t already been said and she wanted to offer up a new angle for the press? Dare I say “art”?

I’m a little late on this, but hell: you can read about this twice if you have to, it’s that ridiculous: Tara Reid, perhaps the greatest con artist of our time, is posing for Playboy. We’ve seen pretty much everything she’s got after that red carpet nipple slip and numerous bikini clad shoots, there’s really not a question in my mind regarding what this woman looks like naked. Still, she somehow landed herself a Playboy spread.

In Touch broke the news and said:

In Touch can exclusively reveal that Tara Reid has stripped down to pose for the cover of an upcoming issue of Playboy magazine. The American Pie star, who underwent a botched liposuction procedure in 2004, posed entirely nude for the popular magazine at a private residence on October 7 in Santa Monica, Calif. Although Tara, 33, was a bit nervous shooting, she seemed to ease into it as the day went on. “She was a bit insecure about her body when they first started,” says an insider. “She looked great and finally got into the groove.” Tara had said in the past that she would never pose for Playboy, saying, “I know there are problems with my stomach. There are bumps on it, it’s uneven, but it’s not that bad. My stomach scars are my battle wounds.”

Aw, actually? Ya know what? That is kinda sad. A once promising actress with a budding career turns in to a big ol’ alcoholic mess and has to have the weight she gained from partying and boozing surgically removed and it ruined the only thing she thought could help her completely. Sadface.

Still, I seriously think this woman could be the Frank Abagnale of the Z-list. I mean, Playboy‘s paying her?