Video is pretty NSFW for language – so don’t say I didn’t warn you!

Here’s the transcript from the video, in case some of you couldn’t (or wouldn’t) watch the clip, based on what it actually is:

[Dolphin screams "Bitch!"]

Advice for Kris Humphries and her, uh, Kim Kardashian: the first advice is, you dumb ass n-gga, you shouldn’t have tried to wife the bitch, man. She’s not that type of a ho. She gets around, man, you see when Reggie [Bush] took the bitch to Africa, she was looking at the Africans ’cause they had bigger dicks than him. He didn’t know how to act afterwards, they sent his ass to Miami. Ray-J the only n-gga that bounced back from the bitch, man. She’s cold-blooded. I’m pretty sure she have a book in a month, talking about all the n-ggas she got and how she played ‘em. My advice is, look. You can’t make a ho a housewife. Don’t try to reinvent the wheel. Let her do what she was born to do. HO. Yeah. HO. Punk bitch.

[Dolphin screams "Bitch!" again]

That should pretty much sum up what Snoop Dogg here thinks of Kim Kardashian. Or rather, what the entire world probably thinks of her. The funny thing, however, is that, given the chance, Snoop would still probably hit it. With another brother’s dick, all triple-wrapped and stuff, but he’d still be all about it, more than likely. If you take all of the nasty away from Kim Kardashian and her conniving ways and her beat-up kitty cat, she’s still a pretty alluring chick, but then again, if you take all that stuff away, then she wouldn’t be Kim Kardashian – she’d be, like, Princess f-cking Jasmine or something, you know?

TMZ claims that Snoop was busted this past weekend with approximately a half-ounce of pot, which he claims to have a prescription for, though in Texas, none of that medical marijuana stuff flies. Sources also state that if Snoop is convicted of the drug charge, he could get up to six months in jail.

This is, though, as you probably know, not the first time Snoop’s been busted for having pot illegally – he was arrested in 1998, 2001, and 2002 for pot possession. Then, again in 2007, Snoop was put on 60 months probation (that’s five years for all you non-math majors like me) after officers found pot, coke, and a firearm in his vehicle. He was released for good behavior, or whatever the f-ck you get released early for when you’re on probation, back in May of 2011.

Ironically enough, Snoop’s bus was stopped at almost the same place where Willie Nelson was busted for weed back in 2010. My guess is that border patrol had the heads-up that Snoop would be rolling through and had planned ahead of time on stopping his bus ’cause they figured it’d be a sure bet.

How do you guys feel about all this – cut Snoop a break or let the law lay ‘em down low?

I support Snoop Dogg in everything he does, and so should you. This is a man with many a dream, and I hope he achieves every single one.  You might say that that’s because I would love to live in a world where you could marijuana easier than you can buy Girl Scout cookies, and that’s fair, but it’s also because I believe in people, and I especially believe in people who want to bring me a mass amount of solid entertainment.

Here’s the story from the New York Post:

Snoop Dogg wants to launch rap’s answer to “American Idol.” The rapper has been pitching a TV series to discover the next hot hip-hop act. We hear that Oxygen, Bravo and NBC aren’t biting but that E! and MTV have shown interest. Sources say Snoop is touting that the show could be as popular as Fox’s “American Idol,” but TV execs are not convinced.

The story goes on to say that Snoop wants Jay-Z involved, but Jay-Z’s people are like “no, no, stop talking about it.”  Meanwhile, Wiz Khalifa is like “hey, I can do it though, let me help.”  Oh, please, whoever is in charge of shitty music competition shows, just give this one a pass.  Just for a moment, then it can die a serene, dignified death.

Would you guys watch a rap version of American Idol?

Man if this isn’t the hit of summer ’11, I don’t know what will be.

Above you see Snoop and his latest protege, ‘Rico,’ who’s the heterosexual equivalent of the sassy gay friend. Except he’s a squirrel. And he’s skeevy. And not at all photogenically blessed. So in reality, I guess Rico’s nothing like the sassy gay friend, aside from the fact that he’s got some suave fashion sense. Rico Suave. (You asked for it.)

I would think that after being one of the biggest rappers in the game, having several of his own television shows and more merchandise than you can even imagine that Snoop Dogg wouldn’t still resort to doing things for the paper. First there was “California Gurls” and now we have a rap about that show True Blood. This song, “Oh Sookie” is basically just a three minute add for that vampire show and even if Snoop’s a legit fan, it’s pretty uncool.

The “Oh Sooki, take this MJ cookie” line is hilarious, though. I’ll give him that.

“I heard Oprah Winfrey is leaving and there’s nobody who can do what Oprah did but, ahem – hello! Hello! I’m trying to proposition the networks right now. If you’re wanting a nice, black, exciting young male who wants to turn the TV world right up – get at me.”

– Snoop D-O-double jizzle, discussing his plans to fill Oprah’s shoes when she quits next year.

Good morning, everyone!  I hope you are waking and baking this morning.  I’m so glad that I work in the written word and don’t do vlogging, because I seriously would be cracking up right now and wouldn’t be able to get through this piece.  Oh, and I would have to put makeup on.  Needless to say, I’ve never smoked a joint in my life.  Do they even call them joints anymore?  Roaches?  Spliffs?  Blunts?  Are those all the same thing or are there different varieties?  I need you to educate me.  You can even give me a pot quiz, afterward.  Get it?  Pot Quiz???  Shit, I’m starting to sound stoned.

Rapper Snoop Dogg, idiot extraordinaire, has posted NSFW video on his Twitter live stream of himself (allegedly!) smoking pot.  But don’t worry-he’s got a license to do so.  Which leads me to ponder:  Is no fashion sense a medical condition that necessitates daily use of medical marijuana?

Congratulations to Snoop Dogg, who is now considered non-threatening enough to enter the country of Australia.

In fairness to Snoop, it’s not that he got less badass, it’s just that the government in power when he was banned was a little less immigration-friendly than the current administration, which removed the ban.

“He has now been assessed under the character test as having passed, so he will be given a visa,” said an immigration official.

With the ban lifted, Snoop plans to tour in Australia starting October 21 along with Ice Cube.

I guess he is, because his wife was arrested for DUI in Fullerton this weekend.

Her name is Shante Broadus, and she’s been married to Snoop since 1997. She was taken to jail in Fullerton and released. There was no one else in the car.

Look at this chick! She’s been doing a lot more than drinking and driving. That is some serious crack-face. You’d think Snoop would have ditched her ass long ago.

For reasons passing understanding, Snoop Dogg appeared backstage at the CMT Awards on Monday.

Maybe his options for appearances are limited, seeing as most countries are currently trying to ban him.

Britain really, really doesn’t want Snoop Dogg in their country.

Britain’s Border Agency said Friday it would appeal a court’s decision to reverse an earlier ruling that had banned Snoop Dogg from entering the country after the rapper and his entourage started a fight at Heathrow Airport in April 2006.

He and five others were arrested at Heathrow on charges of violent disorder for instigating a brawl in a nearby duty-free shop after their 30-person posse was denied entry into British Airways’ first-class lounge because not everyone in the group was holding first-class tickets. Seven officers were injured in the melee.

I’m sure it all seemed very cute and unimportant at the time, but Britain didn’t feel that way. They banned Snoop from entering the country, and it meant he had to cancel a British Isles tour with Diddy, so now he’s looking to make it all better.

“Snoop and his team are mystified at the decision and are hoping that the British government will reconsider this decision,” says his rep. “He has asked how he can help rectify the situation and would happily talk to and give assurances to the officials.”

Snoop is also currently banned from Australia, where their prime minister said that “he doesn’t seem the sort of bloke we want in this country.”

Heh. It does kind of seem like Britain’s making an unfair example of him, but I can’t say I blame them. Like, it’s neither cute nor badass to start fist fights in international airports in a post-9/11 world. You have to be pretty fucking dumb to pull that crap. Save that shit for the playground, boys.

Like even this photo — which was taken at his album release party in late March — kind of pisses me off. I know you have a reputation to protect, Snoop, but you also have children of your own, and you’re actively glorifying gun violence by wearing that necklace. I know you rap about much worse shit, and you absolutely have that right, in much the same way you absolutely have the right to wear that necklace, but really? Do you have to? You’re 36 years old now. Doesn’t it ever just get exhausting to define yourself with violence?