You can’t have somebody in your life who’s become accustomed to a certain thing, and just because you don’t want to be in the relationship any more, now everything is cut off. It’s not alimony. It’s doing the right thing.

—Simon Cowell, on paying off some of his ex-girlfriends.

There you go, ladies! If, in the course of dating Simon Cowell, you become acclimated to luxury and extravagance, he will continue paying you. That seems like a nice gig, huh?

Following their breakup in 2008, ex Terri Seymour moved into Cowell’s separate LA apartment. Earlier, Cowell had also purchased a mansion for singer Leona Lewis. Seymour eventually scored a house, too.

Of course, I read a ton of blind items, so I’ve always believed that Simon Cowell pays his former flames to keep their mouths shut about his “quirks.” (Not that he’s even up to anything! From whatever I’ve read, his hobbies are really kind of vanilla!)

But whatever. As Cowell told People in 2008, all his exes are “like his best friends.” P.S. Here’s a cute portmanteau I’d never heard before today: “PALIMONY“!

Well, after he dies. He’s going to be cryogenically frozen after he dies. It’s not like Simon Cowell just decided to call it a day and go ahead and gear up for the future. Jeez.

Here‘s Simon’s reasoning for his decision:

“It’s an insurance policy. If it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work. But if it does work, I’ll be happy. If it’s possible – and I think it will be – why not have a second crack? Does that sound crazy? I think it’s a good idea. I have a feeling that if I don’t do it, I could regret it in 300 years.”

I don’t think it sounds crazy in the sense that he needs to get a mental evaluation, stat, I just think it sounds crazy in the sense that wow, the real world’s getting mighty science fiction-y. For instance, did you know that people are in the process of creating alligator chickens? And this is real life. That’s bananas.

You know what else is bananas? The notion that Simon Cowell could potentially be talking trash and kicking game at our great-great-great-great-great-great (add or subtract as many greats as you need to, I never said I was good with numbers) grandchildren. Would you want that for your offspring?

Yikes! Take a photo of Cheryl Cole, go to jail?

Cheryl Cole, from the British pop group Girls Aloud, managed to get a court injunction forbidding everybody from photographing her anywhere near her London home.

The court order itself, which lasts through 2011, is particularly foreboding: “Any person who knows of this order and disobeys this order will be in contempt of court and face imprisonment, fined and have their assets seized.” Hooooohhh-kay.

It is pretty nuts to have your fans arrested, even if some of them are annoying shutterbugs. Then again, Cheryl Cole’s yen for Private Time is understandable—she’s seriously had the worst summer.

The story so far: Cheryl Cole was tapped to be a judge on the U.S. version of Simon Cowell‘s X Factor. To prepare for her new role, she moved to LA, lost a ton of weight, and tried to tame her thick ‘Geordie’ accent. Then, just two months after the initial announcement, Cole was abruptly fired for reasons yet unknown. Worse, she was replaced by snippy little Nicole Scherzinger. (The whole debacle is especially humiliating because Simon Cowell can’t seem to shut up.)

Now some people are saying Cole is so embarrassed, she’s retiring from showbiz completely. Regardless, it’s probably difficult to lay low once you’ve papered your own home and neighborhood with threatening flyers. Total kooksville.

This is neither here nor there, but last year Cheryl Cole caught malaria. Yep. Malaria, and then everything else happened. I’d go nuts, too.

I have not been shy about expressing my feelings for Simon Cowell. I think he is a masterpiece of a man, and I always will. At least, that’s what I thought until I saw these pictures. After that, my thoughts turned into distraught little bits of chaos.

This is yet another example of a gorgeous man refusing to age gracefully and getting some cosmetic procedures and then getting even more cosmetic procedures and then ending up looking like a monkey and/or a victim of assault.  Seriously, just look through these pictures and then we can weep for the future of male beauty together.

Images courtesy of Celebitchy

Some of us are really bad with change.  It’s ok, there’s nothing to be ashamed of if you’re one of those people.  It’s just that, for some of us, whenever something significant or even something we just perceive in our neurotic little minds to be significant changes, we feel like something is trying to claw our insides out from within.  And that’s how I felt when Paula Abdul left American Idol.

But chin up, fellow neurotics, because Paula and Simon Cowell are soon to be reunited in televised singing competition glory! Huzzah!

Paula is going to be a judge on The X Factor, the show that Simon left Idol for.  The panel’s going to consist of Paula, Simon, L.A. Reid, and Cheryl Cole.  But let’s be real, like anyone is going to give a damn about L.A. and Cheryl when Paula’s pulling her same old shit and Simon is existing, right?

“I love Simon very dearly. He’s such an amazing man. I had the pleasure of meeting him and my life will never be the same, darling. I told him that. I was absolutely in love with him prior to meeting him. And now that I’ve met him, I dream about him every night.”

- Nicki Minaj correctly summarizing how dreamy Simon Cowell is.

I’m not going to pretend like I understand it, but Simon really is one fine piece, isn’t he?  And I don’t listen to Nicki’s music (I’m far too busy listening to Ziggy Stardust for the millionth time, and also yesterday I got another Magnetic Fields album because it’s ’99 and I’m too hip to live), but I can’t deny how overwhelmingly awesome she is.  Can we get a New Couple Alert up on these two?  Can someone get to matchmakin’ please?