Hey, so the Tony Awards happened. The Tony Awards are like the Oscars but for old people. I know what you’re thinking: “Isn’t the Oscars for old people now too?” The answer is yes. The Oscars were actually always for old people, but we didn’t understand that until they started broadcasting in HD. The Tony Awards are for older people. Older people who attend thee-ah-tah.
These people are too old to really be that mean to, except for Cate Blanchett, because she looks about mid-beamed by Scotty. But there also aren’t a lot of fashion risks, so pretty much everything is standard breath-taking. I guess I could make fun of Jada Pinkett-Smith’s dress, but, truth be told, I think she looks pretty stunning. (No, the photos aren’t labeled, because Jesus Christ do you people think I’m made of free time? but you can easily tell which one is Jada because she’s the black person at the Tonys.)*
Paula Abdul emerged from the dark, dark pillbox of her life to … I don’t know. I have no idea why she was at the Tonys. Did a Coke cup need to be pointed toward the camera?
Scarlett Johannson was a fucking goddamn knockout, showed up with husband Ryan Reynolds, and won the Tony for Best Actress in a Play. But that’s cool, yo, because Alanis Morrissette married the rapper dude who knocked her up, so, like, whatever, Scarlett, you can take your perfect goddamn life and fellate Dave Coulier with it in a movie theater.
Kristen Chenoweth: I want your dress and your voice and your shoes and your perfect, perfect eating disorder. HOW DO YOU DO IT ALL???
*I am going to get in trouble for saying this. There were other black people there, and some of them even won Tonys. Noting this earlier would not have made my joke funnier.