Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Sarah Jessica Parker

Blind Item: Which Famous Couple Doesn’t Have Sex?

See, this blind item is neat because I’m pretty sure I’ve got it, and also because it explains a story I told you guys this week. So let’s get right to it:

This A list movie actress who got her start way back in the day on television and then did some more along the way, let it slip the other day that she and her always a B list (for one role in particular) movie actor husband have not had sex in almost five years. It is kind of ironic if you think about it.

Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick, and there ain’t no way you can tell me different.

See, this would explain why Sarah seemed so crazy with David Letterman the other night, and also why she flipped out with that security guard tried to give her a friendly little kiss: it had been so long since she’d received any sort of physical affection that she just couldn’t grasp what was happening. And these two have had rumored marital struggles for years, and it seems like this would be a pretty good reason for it.

DID I GET IT?!

Turns Out Some Dude Finds Sarah Jessica Parker Attractive Enough to Ambush

Maybe “ambush” isn’t the right word for what this guy did. Maybe “creep” would fit better? Perhaps he “pre-sexually assaulted” her, is that a thing? Well, whatever the proper term is, Sarah Jessica Parker‘s security guard did it to her, and she did not care for it, not even a little.

Poor ol’ SJP was in Moscow, minding her own business, when her security guard requested that she sign his chest. A little weird, right? But I’m sure she’s seen worse, so she probably paid no mind to it. Then, a few minutes later, the security guard decided to take a chance and go in for the classic creeper move, the grab-and-tongue. It didn’t fly, but can you really blame a guy for trying?

Later, the guy made the following comment:

“I shouldn’t have done that as a professional but I couldn’t believe Sarah Jessica Parker was there, that close to me. Home life could be even more difficult but I’ll try to buy some roses and smooth things over.”

Well, I guess it takes all kinds, huh?

Um, Does Sarah Jessica Parker Know That She Did This Movie Already?

Sort of. I mean, the flick looks like a cross between Sex and the City and girlfriend’s real life, but it stars a crap ton of cool actors like Greg Kinnear (so hot), Kelsey Grammer, Pierce Brosnan, Olivia Munn, Seth Myers, Christina Hendricks, Jane Curtin, and Jessica Szohr, so it might actually redeem itself in certain ways. The movie’s called I Don’t Know How She Does It, and because it’s set to the background of Christmas, this means I will probably see it. Because I like Christmas. And Pierce Brosnan. Those two are good enough selling points for me.

Sarah Jessica Parker Takes Her Crazy Faced Twins Out For a Walk

Hey! Before you all pigpile on me in the comments for making fun of babies, let me clarify: Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick’s twin girls are majorly adorable, but with two actors making up their DNA, it’s no surprise that they’re so animated. Especially whichever one it is that Sarah The Wilting Flower‘s holding. They’re twins. You expect me to be able to tell them apart? Please. No one can. I feel like if you took off their little Ugg boots you’d find their names written on the bottom on their feet in Crayola marker just like they did when Jesse and Becky had twins on Full House.

Anyway, this baby’s faces gave me more chuckles than any LOLCat I’ve laid my eyes on recently, so click through to see what else she’s got…

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Quotables: Sarah Jessica Parker is Like a Flower Wilting in a Time-Lapse Film

Sarah Jessica Parker on the cover of Elle

“I don’t know what I can do about the aging. Yes, I am aging. Oh my God, I’m aging all the time. It’s like those flowers that wilt in front of you in time-lapse films. But what can I possibly do? Look like a lunatic?”

- Sarah Jessica Parker to Elle about what it’s like to age in Hollywood without the help of Botox.

Well, that sounds more horrific than it probably needs to, huh?

CFDA Awards Red Carpet: THE DRESSES

Last night the CFDA (Council of Fashion Designers of America) hosted its annual awards ceremony in New York City. As you might expect, the red carpet was kind of fantastic. A billion pics in the gallery below.

Representing: Sarah Jessica Parker, Alexis Bledel, Brooke Shields, Betsey Johnson (and her Botox-lipped daughter, Lulu), Jessica Stam, Doutzen Kroes, Dakota Fanning, David Bowie and Iman, Emilie de Ravin, Gwyneth Paltrow, Kate Mara, Michael Kors, Molly Sims, Rachel Zoe, Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen, Carmen Kass, Anna Wintour and daughter Bee Shaffer, and Michelle Trachtenberg.

Extra credit goes to Jessica Biel and Whitney Port, who both managed to attend the MTV Movie Awards in LA the night before.