“He was after me since I was 18 … he totally wasn’t my type … I thought he was gay … After a few years, he was persistent … so I went out with him on a date and I realized how much I liked him.”

Julianne Hough on her newest (and confirmed!) boyfriend, Ryan Seacrest. Don’t sweat it too much, though, Jules. A lot of other people thought he was gay, too, but that didn’t stop them from swooning over him. Everyone caves sooner or later.

A blogger whose name I won’t even bother to write (you know who I’m talking about. That fat guy with the blue hair who cried on the Internet after Will.i.Am beat him up last year) is causing controversy over an image he posted to his Twitter page yesterday. The photo was of 17 year old pop star Miley Cyrus climbing out of a car crotch first, and it appeared that she was going comando. The blogger is claiming that it wasn’t actually a dirty pic saying, “Do you think I’m stupid enough to post a photo of Miley if she’s not wearing any underwear down there? Sure I like to be controversial, but I don’t want to go to jail,” but it sounds like his intent was to make his audience believe that that’s what they were seeing.

Although Miley seems unphased by the photo, writing the blogger off as “an idiot” on Ryan Seacrest’s radio show this morning, the blogger’s actions are considered criminal in the minds of many. Even if the so-called “vagina” was just a flap of leg chub, reporting it to be her private parts is just as bad as if it actually was. Putting a pornographic illusion of an underage girl is just as bad as posting an actual beaver shot in my mind.

I’m just so torn and confused. Ryan Seacrest, who’s actually grown on me over the years, was photographed earlier in the week, sauntering wait, no, straight guys don’t saunter walking along the beach with Dancing With the Stars Julianne Hough. The two look cozy, and Seacrest doesn’t look all that pleased to be photographed, which is surprising, considering who he is and what he does for a living.

This isn’t the first time the two have been linked — they were said to have attended a “cozy” dinner a few months back where the two shared “intimate kisses.”

Well, either way, sweet. I love Ryan. And if he’s happy, then I’m happy. And if he’s dating Julianne Hough, great, and if he’s using her as a decoy in order to get into her brother Derek’s much-tighter pants, so be that, too.

The unoriginal Tits McGee herself, Heidi Montag.

Husband Spencer Pratt speaks to Life & Style magazine and claims that a combination of Heidi’s drive for an uber-plastic bod and comments from Ryan Seacrest stating that Heidi’s jugs weren’t all that big have driven her to upgrade. Again.

“When Heidi entered the studio [to be interviewed], Ryan told her that her breasts didn’t look that big to him … She was taken aback. She came home in shock.”

But Heidi’s spokes-ass doesn’t stop there. He claims that while Seacrest played a part in the destruction of his wife’s … uh, ego, she’d been unhappy with the way her boobs came out from the get-go:

“When Heidi woke up from the anesthesia [last time], she was angry [her breasts] weren’t bigger. She said she wanted to punch the doctor in the face. I try to stop her. She’ll do what she wants with her body.”

With absolutely no encouragement from you, Doctor Frankenstein, am I right?

Oh, and her latest surgery might actually debut on television this time. Spencer Insiders state that Heidi and Spencer want to televise the breast augmentation on TV and hope that E! or Oxygen might pick up what is sure to turn into a blockbuster show. Like “Fist Pumping For Love.”

Guess our boho-tressed girlfriend had a little meltdown earlier in the month after a live taping of American Idol. After claiming that she “hated” the “attention” of the show because she couldn’t handle it (oh, come on), she admitted to Ryan and other individuals that she was throwing in the towel on the entire competition and had decided to head home to her family in Ohio. The ordeal was said to go down in an “empty lot” behind the studios one night after an episode wrapped.

Seacrest, who was apparently there, made no bones about his thoughts toward her winning this year’s entire competition; eyewitnesses claim that Seacrest told Crystal that if she won the competition, she’s receive a recording contract and reap all the benefits of being a millionaire. Seacrest went on to play the sympathy card by saying, “The greatest thing I ever did was make enough money so I could buy my mom a house. You can buy your mom a house.”

Damn, the drama. I mean, hissy fits in empty parking lots? Holy, crazy tension.  I can just imagine: the other Idol contestants, circling like vultures, leering and pulling faces while snapping the intro to “Jets and Sharks.” A spotlight emerges from a hidden alcove on the building’s exterior, illuminating the silhouettes of Bowersox and Seacrest so that they appear to be radiant beings of golden light — a fight to the finish.

Melodrama’s so thick you can almost chew it.

Noooooooooo!!! NOOOOOOO!!!!

They CANNOT kick Paula Abdul off Idol. They simply CANNOT. I will be devastated. Half the reason I watch that show each week is to play the delightful game that I invented. It’s called “Paula Abdul: How High?” And basically the way you play is you watch Paula “talk,” you watch her glazed eyes roll around in her head, you watch her try to slap Simon and practically miss, and then you write down on a piece of paper how many milligrams of Xanax you think are currently in her body. If the number you’ve written down is greater than 10, you move on to the next round. In round two, you write down on a piece of paper how many milligrams of Hydrocodone you think are in Paula’s body. If that number is greater than 30, you move on to the final round, in which you have to guess how many shots of vodka she’s had that day. If that number is greater than five, you are the champion. Needless to say, I win weekly.

But now word on the street is that Paula Abdul has still not been offered a contract for the new season of Idol — and auditions start August 6.

“Very sadly, it does not appear that she’s going to be back on ‘Idol,’” David Sonenberg, Abdul’s manager, told the LA Times. Sonenberg says he doesn’t even have a proposal for a new contract from FremantleMedia and 19 Entertainment, the production companies behind the show. The new season is scheduled to premiere in January.

“I find it under these circumstances particularly unusual; I think unnecessarily hurtful,” he said of the contract holdup. “I find it kind of unconscionable and certainly rude and disrespectful that they haven’t stepped up and said what they want to do.”

Representatives for Fremantle, 19 and Fox all separately declined to comment.

OK, look, Kara DioGuardi won me over a teensy tiny bit on the finale when she showed up Bikini Girl in her own bikini — that was cool — but she can NEVER replace Paula in my heart. I don’t care how difficult it is to work every week on live national television with a drug addict, Fox — figure out a way! We can’t lose our Paula!

(Meanwhile, Ryan Seacrest’s new Idol contract has him earning a cool $45M over the next three years. The hardest-working man in show business is well-compensated, I’ll say.)