22I Guess This is Actually Happening

It may not be the healthiest approach, but I think it’s human nature to just totally ignore a situation when we wish it wasn’t happening.  Some people do it when they find a mysterious lump or start suffering some unusual physical symptom.  I did it just last night at my kid’s school open house when I just did not want to deal with the mother who never shuts up.  I could see her in my peripheral vision, trying hard to catch my attention, and I just kept starting at the water bubbler. (That’s a drinking fountain for all of you who don’t live in Wisconsin or Massachusetts.)

There’s something else I’ve been trying to avoid, and that’s the rumors of Katy Perry dating Russell Brand.  This couple terrifies me.  She with her dice and banana dresses and he with his three conquests a day.  He made a few Katy Perry/hotel room jokes at the VMAs, but again, I was in denial.

Unfortunately, they were photographed together at a Fendi party in France last night, which kind of confirms the news I’ve been dreading.  If there’s any bright side, we can call them “Rusty” for their couple nickname.  Or “Berry”.  Or “Rusty Berry”.

October 7, 2009 at 12:08 pm by Wendie

8Caption This

Russell Brand and Jonah Hill on the set of  Get Him to the Greek in NYC.

August 2, 2009 at 4:17 pm by Kelly

10You Know It’s Bad When You Can’t Get Russell Brand To Have Sex With You

Normally, I don’t believe anything The Sun reports, but in my heart of hearts I’m hoping this story is true. 

It seems that Lindsay tried to bed Russell Brand — or get “the dinkle treatment” as the British tabs like to call it — over the past few weeks that she’s seen him on the party circuit and he’s been … declining.  A source said, “He finds her constant craving for attention and her heavy drinking a turn-off. It’s not like he is short of female attention anyway.”

Now, you may be thinking “Who cares?  Maybe he’s gay.  Maybe he doesn’t like coked-out redheads.”  And normally, you’d be right, but this is Russell Brand I’m talking about.  He has sex with a different woman approximately every eight hours.  Russell Brand’s penis is like Ellis Island, literally processing thousands and thousands of citizens each year.  So, you know, “discriminating taste” isn’t exactly his calling card.

Aw, Linds.  You can’t get work.  You can’t get even skin tone.  You can’t get laid.  How many more signs do you need?  It’s time for rehab.

July 13, 2009 at 8:10 am by Wendie

10Holly Madison Gets Branded

Holly Madison came on to the scene as one-third of the Hugh Hefner trifecta.  Sadly, that relationship soured like yesterday’s Milk of Magnesia and she moved on.

She hooked up with magician Criss Angel and I expected a lot more over-exposure from those two than I ended up getting.  Other than their joint birthday party, they weren’t half as obnoxious as I’d been hoping, prior to their love vanishing.  Disappointing, really.

Now, America’s favorite girl next door is hooking up with comedian and admitted sex-addict Russell Brand.  Now, I’m not sure where she fits into the stats.  He claims to penetrate ninety different vaginae a month, yet the Sun reports that he’s been visiting Madison three times a week.  That is just a ton of cardio.

I’m hoping this works out for a couple reasons.  Mostly, because I want to call them RH Factor.  Also, because Holly Madison is descending into scary territory.  If this new relationship flops, I fear her next conquest is going to be, like, Marilyn Manson.  Or Carrot Top.

Thanks, Eve!

May 13, 2009 at 12:19 pm by Wendie

30Russell Brand is My Hero (for the Day)

Underneath all his swarthy, unwashed pirate swag Russell Brand is an intelligent, intuitive, incorrigible human being and for that I love him.

You see, Russell saw this supposed ‘autobiography’ put out by Miley Cyrus and he’s simply not having it.

 ”Miley Cyrus?” the 33-year-old star said when he was informed about her tome. “She’s only been alive half an hour. What’s she going to say: ‘The womb was warm?’”

“It’s nice in there. There’s all sorts of fluids,” he continued criticizing Miley’s tome. “That’s not a book. I don’t buy it. It’s a very short story. Anything that’s been written by a sperm and an ovum–it’s too short.”

Now, Russell may be feeling extra critical towards other autobiographies because he’s in the process of putting together his own. But his autobiography talks about things like ‘how his father introduced him to prostitutes on a trip to Asia’ and ‘how he once got into a naked, drug-fueled brawl with a stripper’.  THOSE are the kinds of stories you need for a book about your life.

Who wants to read about bullies and sandwiches when you can have stripper fights and Asian hookers?

March 14, 2009 at 9:29 am by Soleil

47You’d Look Like This Too If You Had Already Had Sex Twice Before Dinner

Russell Brand has shared new revelations about his favorite hobby, and no, it’s not experimenting with eyeliner.  He sleeps with three women a day.  I can’t find a way to exercise three times a month, but he fucks every eight hours.  And I don’t mean that he has a rotating line-up of two or three women.  Ninety.  Different.  Women.  Each.  Month.  Whatever.

I don’t understand the allure of this modern day Wilt Chamberlain.  Attractive?  No.  Funny?  Absolutely not.  Hygenic?  Rhetorical.  Are there really that many fame whores out there to keep up his endless supply of pussy?  Does he have a sex scheduler who makes all the hotel reservations?  These are the questions that keep me awake at night; I have to know how this obsessive screwing works.

Brand has a long history of alcohol and substance abuse yet claims to be clean since 2002.  His Wikipedia page lists him as a recovering sex addict.  Time for an update!

He’s currently filming The Tempest with Helen Mirren, a woman he admits he’d like to “cuddle in a bra” with.  Wow, he really is an addict.

January 28, 2009 at 8:37 am by Wendie