Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Russell Brand

Russell Brand Wants to Make Babies With Katy Perry

Katy Perry and Russell Brand

Russell Brand and Katy Perry are getting pretty serious. Talking-about-having-kids serious. Awkward. Can I get a holla from all my commitment phobes in the back? In an interview with GMTV, Rusty said finding Katy has changed his former playboy ways, “It was a deep craving within me – I mistook it for lust. I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough – to get the right one. I’m ever so happy.”

The problem with this is that Russell was known as one of the biggest man sluts out there up until he dated Katy. Now the two are vacationing together, holding hands in public, hanging out with her family and she even wore underwear at the MTV Europe Awards that displayed his name. Sounds like a serious 180 for someone who was running around London screwing whatever had holes not that long ago. One thing that Russell mentioned he wasn’t ready for was marriage, “I don’t know, get married, you say? That would be good, isn’t it? I want to have children – that would be good.”

These two have been dating for what? Three months. Oh, God. It’s one of those. They’re all hyped up on dopamine and their rich people money and they want to just start procreating. I’m going to be really upset if I am writing a Katy Perry baby bump post before Valentine’s Day.

Katy and Russell Continue to Go Public

Katy Perry and Russell Brand

Katy Perry and Russell Brand posed for a very public snuggle sesh on the steps of Russell’s flat today in London. The two, who have only been dating for a few months, seem to be heating up rather quickly. Last night at the EMA’s (the European version of the VMA’s) where Katy was serving as host, she surprised her man by dedicating one of her 12 costume changes to him. Katy wore a red and light blue corset and short-shorts combo (you know, those things she’s always wearing) to represent Russell’s favorite football team West Ham. She even had his nickname “Rusty” stitched on to her butt and the team’s emblem situated on top of her nipples. Uh, save it for the bedroom?

Katy Perry’s Birthday Bash Looked Messy

Katy Perry's 25 Birthday Party

Katy Perry hosted her 25th birthday bash at Sunset Beach last night and amongst the guests were her boyf Russell Brand, Taylor Swift and JoJo… oh, and many Oompa Loompas. Katy’s theme was a white party with Willy Wonka overtones and the guests left with their pristine frocks covered in multi-colored paint. Who knows what went on in there, but it looks fun.

Katy Perry and Russell Brand Are Like, So Spiritual And Deep, You Guys

Image from TMZ.com

Image from TMZ.com

Katy Perry and Russell Brand are dating, which is just stupid. It seems far too contrived to even be real, and despite the fact that I more or less hate her, I do think that Katy Perry is a good girl deep down that won’t possibly stick around with someone as wild as Brand. But whatever. That’s their problem.

This is my problem: The two of them went to go visit Jim Morrison’s grave yesterday. On a “date”. How quaint, right? Russell Brand is teaching Katy about all sorts of things that people are normally cultured on by the time they are her age, like classic rock and Oscar Wilde, and now they’re off to “have a moment” in front of Jim Morrison’s grave. And that makes me ill. The sheer trying too hard-ness is just plain old too much.

I Guess This is Actually Happening

Russell Brand, Katy Perry

It may not be the healthiest approach, but I think it’s human nature to just totally ignore a situation when we wish it wasn’t happening.  Some people do it when they find a mysterious lump or start suffering some unusual physical symptom.  I did it just last night at my kid’s school open house when I just did not want to deal with the mother who never shuts up.  I could see her in my peripheral vision, trying hard to catch my attention, and I just kept starting at the water bubbler. (That’s a drinking fountain for all of you who don’t live in Wisconsin or Massachusetts.)

There’s something else I’ve been trying to avoid, and that’s the rumors of Katy Perry dating Russell Brand.  This couple terrifies me.  She with her dice and banana dresses and he with his three conquests a day.  He made a few Katy Perry/hotel room jokes at the VMAs, but again, I was in denial.

Unfortunately, they were photographed together at a Fendi party in France last night, which kind of confirms the news I’ve been dreading.  If there’s any bright side, we can call them “Rusty” for their couple nickname.  Or “Berry”.  Or “Rusty Berry”.

Caption This

Brand and Hill on the Set of Get Him to the Greek

Russell Brand and Jonah Hill on the set of  Get Him to the Greek in NYC.

You Know It’s Bad When You Can’t Get Russell Brand To Have Sex With You

57394092russellbrand7132009104857am

Normally, I don’t believe anything The Sun reports, but in my heart of hearts I’m hoping this story is true. 

It seems that Lindsay tried to bed Russell Brand — or get “the dinkle treatment” as the British tabs like to call it — over the past few weeks that she’s seen him on the party circuit and he’s been … declining.  A source said, “He finds her constant craving for attention and her heavy drinking a turn-off. It’s not like he is short of female attention anyway.”

Now, you may be thinking “Who cares?  Maybe he’s gay.  Maybe he doesn’t like coked-out redheads.”  And normally, you’d be right, but this is Russell Brand I’m talking about.  He has sex with a different woman approximately every eight hours.  Russell Brand’s penis is like Ellis Island, literally processing thousands and thousands of citizens each year.  So, you know, “discriminating taste” isn’t exactly his calling card.

Aw, Linds.  You can’t get work.  You can’t get even skin tone.  You can’t get laid.  How many more signs do you need?  It’s time for rehab.