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Russell Brand

3Check Out What Russell Brand Has to Say About Having Kids

A photo of Russell Brand and Katy Perry

Man, Russell Brand sure is in love with that Katy Perry, huh? You can tell because he never talks about anything else.  Well, in this little interview, he manages to stop with all his love claptrap and focus in on Katy’s uterus, or more specifically, the poor handful of humans who will soon be expelled from Katy’s uterus:

“I love children. I am very much looking forward to becoming a dad. Who knows when? Soon I hope. I really love children. I think when I’m among children is when I feel most liberated.”

“I go nuts with children. When I’m around my friends’ children, I jazz them kids up, I swear at them, I get them all worked up, I say crazy stuff to them. I fill their heads with nonsense and then leave them.”

“I secretly want to [move back to England]. I have a fear of hearing my American children speak to me in American accents.”

I was on Russell’s side, I really was.  I thought he was going to keep his life turned around and become such a strong, beautiful husband and father.  But those people who come in when you have a kid and get them bouncing off the walls and then peace out? Fuck those people.  I’m taking back a sliver of my love, Russell.  Pull it together.

April 16, 2011 at 11:00 am by Emily

3Quotables

photo of russell brand in new york city in a suit pictures

“I nearly asked her to marry me on our first date. It was like a hit of acid, a wave of confusion, emerging from under the water, a moment of Oh bloody hell, different perception for a moment, extraordinary…And then I thought, I’ll give it space and see what happens. … It’s the most normal relationship I’ve ever had with anybody. She’s very spirited, bighearted, innocent, but very, very smart. Someone told me that enlightenment is contingent upon being able to hold opposing views simultaneously. I’m actually attracted to that magnetism and sort of repulsion. She’s endlessly fascinating…I was at a point in my life where I was ready to behave. I look at it the way I look at most things: One day at a time. I will say it’s very, very rewarding and I love her.”

- Russell Brand on courting, proposing to, and worshiping Katy Perry.

I don’t know – a lot of people think that these two are going to split up within the year or so, but I think these two fools are in it to win it. I can just imagine them both flitting off to obscurity together, hand in hand, sitting in plastic-covered armchairs and watching reruns of The Price is Right, while eating pork rinds and Ring Dings, getting fat, fat, fatter off of their Booky Wook and ‘Teenage Dream’ royalties, and becoming so apathetic about one another and their situation together that they’ll just never have the gumption to go and split up. Sometimes it’s just easier that way, and this is the way that I see these two working out, you know?

March 25, 2011 at 9:30 am by Sarah

4Prediction: Katy Perry and Russell Brand Will Be Together for Another Year, Tops

A photo of Russell Brand and Katy Perry

Russell Brand and Katy Perry had a short courtship and after reading these quotes from Russell’s interview on Piers Morgan’s Life Stories, I’m pretty sure that their marriage may be just as short.

Here are some of the sound bites:

Russell, a former sex addict, on his tamer life in the bedroom: “I can’t believe I used to have sex 20 times a week, especially now I’m married. But now I’m a bloody good gardener.”

On what it would be like for him to raise children: “I’m aware I have no recourse if they misbehave. ‘Expelled from school for drugs? Well done you’re on target.’”

On monogamy and shacking up: “It’s difficult getting used to one person and being in the same house everyday.”

On getting used to Katy’s lifestyle: “She takes ages to get ready. It’s unbelievable. I had no idea what went on, I was never normally around for that bit.”

So his sex addiction has turned into a gardening addiction, he’s not sure he’s capable of raising kids, he’s still not confident about living with one woman for the rest of his life and he had no idea what it takes to transform her from an average lookin’ lady to the sexpot we all know. Yup. Sounds like someone bit off more than they could chew to me.

I give ‘em another year, tops. Do you think these two have a chance at lasting?

March 23, 2011 at 2:30 pm by Molls

2Quotables: Jennifer Garner Tastes Like Cake

photo of jennifer garner mouth pictures

“There’s a brand of red-velvet cake; her mouth is made of that. She smashes you in the mouth [in] those kissing scenes. If I was Ben Affleck, man, I’d be pissed off. … I was in bed with her and she was reading me one of those bedtime stories. And she did a dirty version of it. She was like, ‘Toad took Frog and mounted him from behind and amounted him smoothly with a rhythmic pace’.”

Russell Brand, of all people, dishing on what it was like to make out and share a bed with Arthur co-star, Jennifer Garner. Now I don’t know much about kissing ladies, but if someone compared my mouth to red velvet cake, I’d probably consider that a HUGE compliment. Except, you know, if it were Russell Brand. Because reformed sex-addict, Brand, probably compares the hose opening of an industrial-strength vacuum cleaner to red velvet cake – and I heard he and it were intimate friends for a long, long time.

Anyway, moral of the story?

From one asshat to another, Ben Affleck, take some pointers.

February 4, 2011 at 6:30 am by Sarah

26Katy ‘The Jesus Lover’ Perry Makes Russell Brand Tone Down His Act

We’ve been talking about this for quite some time over here. You know, how Katy Perry, for someone who walks around with her tatas hanging out singing about losing your virginity to your high school sweetheart in skin tight jeans, is still WAY into God. It’s not that we have a problem with religious types (to each their own, ya know?), but we are a little freaked out by how polarizing her message can be. After all, she is married to a trashmouth former sex addict and BFF with one of the most sinister characters in Hollywood, all while having the name of Jesus tattooed on her wrist.

Well, it looks like Katy’s God fearing ways have rubbed off on her husband, who reportedly has toned down his comedy act in an attempt to appease his wife. From The Telegraph:

Katy Perry has succeeded where the BBC failed. The pop singer has managed to persuade her husband, the comedian Russell Brand, to tone down his act.

“Russell has made very blasphemous jokes in the past, but he’s making fewer all the time because he knows that I am very sensitive about this subject,” says Perry, whose parents were pastors.

“You can be frivolous and fun without needing to get involved in that. And I don’t know why that only happens to the Christian religion. I don’t see people simulating sex with statues of Buddha, for example.”

This type of humorless Christianity is so backwoods and ridiculous to me. Most of the hardcore Christians I know at least have enough of a sense of humor to understand that just because something pokes at Jesus or Christian traditions doesn’t mean that the person making the joke is unholy or disrespectful. And then there’s the fact that Katy went ahead and married someone who makes jokes that offend her about the religion she grew up practicing. Doesn’t that seem like a wrinkle they should have ironed out before saying “I do”?

Oh, and Katy? People do attack other religions all the time, but typically not with humor. They get their religious texts burned, or in some cases, mass-murdered.

Neither of these people are my cup of tea, so whatever hit Russell’s act is taking to keep his wife happy isn’t really the source of my concern. I’m more worried about the fact that Katy speaks about this topic like she’s from the 1600s and genuinely believes in what she’s saying. As a gay advocate and woman who makes a great deal of her money off of her sexual freedom, I would think she’d have figured out by now that the Church probably isn’t a fan of her regardless of whether or not her man uses the Lord’s name in vain.

January 17, 2011 at 1:30 pm by Molls

27Caption This: Poor Katy Perry

A photo of Katy Perry

Let me paint this picture for you.  Katy Perry and Russell Brand were all snuggled up at home together, doing whatever they do (if we’re going to judge their personal lives by how they portray themselves to the public, I’m guessing they were either playing Candy Land and eating cotton candy or ignoring sex addiction).  After that, maybe they go to bed, maybe Katy decided to curl up for a nap, but either way, the result is the same, and the result is that Russell decided to wake her up, take a picture of her pitiful, confused little face, and post it on Twitter.  Russell took it down pretty soon afterwards, but the internet doesn’t forget.

Surprise and no makeup aside, Katy still looks pretty good, right? I mean, it’s not her usual “my face has all of the makeup” look, but she’s still cute.  Would you kick her out of the bed for eating crackers?  Trick question, because the answer to that question is always yes.  Sharp bits of food are still painful, no matter how pretty you are.

December 31, 2010 at 11:00 am by Emily