Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Russell Brand

Caption This: Poor Katy Perry

A photo of Katy Perry

Let me paint this picture for you.  Katy Perry and Russell Brand were all snuggled up at home together, doing whatever they do (if we’re going to judge their personal lives by how they portray themselves to the public, I’m guessing they were either playing Candy Land and eating cotton candy or ignoring sex addiction).  After that, maybe they go to bed, maybe Katy decided to curl up for a nap, but either way, the result is the same, and the result is that Russell decided to wake her up, take a picture of her pitiful, confused little face, and post it on Twitter.  Russell took it down pretty soon afterwards, but the internet doesn’t forget.

Surprise and no makeup aside, Katy still looks pretty good, right? I mean, it’s not her usual “my face has all of the makeup” look, but she’s still cute.  Would you kick her out of the bed for eating crackers?  Trick question, because the answer to that question is always yes.  Sharp bits of food are still painful, no matter how pretty you are.

Katy Perry Is Going to Have So Many Kids

A photo of Katy Perry and Russell Brand

Katy recently did an interview with Grazia magazine, and she did the usual “Russell and I are so in love, we are soul mates, we have such true strong feelings” talk, but she also spoke on the topic of children.  When asked if she was thinking about having kids, she responded with “Absolutely.  I don’t want to miss out on any experience. I want lots of children.  It’s all very possible.”  And I think that’s a very interesting reply.

Katy and Russell are not exactly known for taking it slow (engaged after three months of dating, really?), so it wouldn’t surprise me at all if we started noticing a baby bump by Martin Luther King Day.  It also wouldn’t surprise me if these two turned out to be like a budget Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, knocking out a solid half-dozen kids in a relatively short period of time, and they could sell the first baby pictures to Cosmo Girl.  Helen Mirren could be the godmother.

I can’t decide if the soon-to-be Perry-Brand brood is the best idea or not.  What do you guys think?

Quotables: Russell Brand Wants Sex With Everyone. Again.

photo of sex addict russell brand in his underwear husband of katy perry pictures

“Eventually, I think you find a spiritual and emotional connection with someone, and I think it unifies you with everyone else. I think if you love one person, it makes you love everyone. That’s how I feel now.”

… That’s how you feel now, Russ? Isn’t that what got you the whole ‘sex-addict’ status to begin with? Or was it the Ecstasy? I can never be sure.

Anyway, super glad that you’re so in love with the wifey, but lay off the
‘loving everyone’ thing. You might give other leg humpers the wrong ideas.

What the Hell Was Katy Perry Wearing at the EMAs?

Katy Perry performed at MTV’s European Music Awards last night and this is what she was wearing. The skating dress that was removed to reveal this sparkly skin-tight unitard wasn’t that offensive, but the half-glittery bald cap look? Not cute. In fact, I have no idea what anyone involved in the styling process here was thinking. Are foreheads that creep past an acceptable human hairline hot right now? Is this some cultural reference that I’m missing? And why does Russell Brand look so excited to see his wife looking like the spawn of an alien and the WWE’s Chyna Doll?

Katy Perry and Russell Brand Are Having A Lame Honeymoon

A photo of Katy Perry and Russell Brand

I think this is really Russell’s tragedy, so let’s focus on him when we think about this tale.

After Russell and Katy got married last weekend, the couple went to the Maldives for their honeymoon.  Sounds nice, right?  But wait. See, the very first day there, Katy went and got bit by a spider, and the spider bite led to a rash, and the rash made her go to a doctor, and the doctor gave her a medication that apparently made her “tired, drowsy and unable to consummate the marriage.”

On top of all that, Katy enforced a “no more sex before marriage” rule two weeks before the wedding.  Assuming we can believe this story, and assuming that Russell Brand has truly left his promiscuity behind him, this means that Russell Brand has not had sex in roughly three weeks.  I think this another sign of those End Times that I keep talking about.  Sleep with one eye open, guys, that’s all I’m trying to say.

Photos of Katy Perry and Russell Brand’s Wedding Location

Ugh. I hate destination weddings. They are so selfish. Like, if you want me to see you get married, get married an hour or less away from home. Otherwise, go out into the wild and do it yourselves and then come home and don’t bore me with any of your photos. It just feels so dramatic and unnecessary to drag your family and your friends halfway across the world to watch you do something that’s really just about you and one other person, right?

Anyway, Katy Perry and Russell Brand don’t share my opinion and are so in lurve with India and each other that they decided to get hitched there. Hundreds of people flew out for the ceremony, and this is what they got. A garden. One that looks like it’s been recreated in Los Angeles and New York and all over the world a million times.

Snore.

Katy Perry and Russell Brand Got Married After Their Security Almost Killed Some People

A photo of Katy Perry and Russell Brand

I know, it’s a lot to take in.  Let’s start with the part about the killing.

Remember that tiger safari that Russell and Katy were going to treat their wedding guests to during their stay in India?  Well, that happened, and a Jeep full of photographers (like AP and Reuters guys, not like National Enquirer guys) followed a few hundred feet behind.  When they were spotted and as Russell watched on, the security guards promptly approached them to assault them and steal their car keys, and then leave them alone and bleeding amidst the inhabitants of the national park:  tigers, leopards, hyenas, and boars, to name a few.  They didn’t get eaten by animals though – some park rangers got their keys back.

I think it was pretty lucky that no one got eaten on account of Russell Brand, because that would have put a damper on his wedding day (good segue, right?)!  There aren’t any pictures of the ceremony yet, but you can read every detail of the traditional Indian wedding here, if you’re into that sort of thing, but I’ll go ahead and give you a few of my favorite details:

The traditional Indian rituals observed by the couple included walking around a sacred fire seven times while reciting Sanskrit mantras and tying a special wedding scarf together to symbolise their united partnership.

Perry and Brand’s parents were expected to be heavily involved in the ceremony, with Brand requesting permission to marry Perry by stooping to touch her father and mother’s feet – a sign of deep respect in Indian culture.

Perry, 26, was rumoured to be wearing a dress designed to incorporate a traditional Indian sari and white western gown.

Guests were presented with a box containing four spice-filled pouches, which had been carefully stitched by a group of beautiful local village women working at a nearby craft initiative called Dastkar.

It sounds like a nice event, doesn’t it?  Let’s hope those nice parts last and not those “left for tiger bait” parts.