Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Russell Brand

What the Hell Was Katy Perry Wearing at the EMAs?

Katy Perry performed at MTV’s European Music Awards last night and this is what she was wearing. The skating dress that was removed to reveal this sparkly skin-tight unitard wasn’t that offensive, but the half-glittery bald cap look? Not cute. In fact, I have no idea what anyone involved in the styling process here was thinking. Are foreheads that creep past an acceptable human hairline hot right now? Is this some cultural reference that I’m missing? And why does Russell Brand look so excited to see his wife looking like the spawn of an alien and the WWE’s Chyna Doll?

Katy Perry and Russell Brand Are Having A Lame Honeymoon

A photo of Katy Perry and Russell Brand

I think this is really Russell’s tragedy, so let’s focus on him when we think about this tale.

After Russell and Katy got married last weekend, the couple went to the Maldives for their honeymoon.  Sounds nice, right?  But wait. See, the very first day there, Katy went and got bit by a spider, and the spider bite led to a rash, and the rash made her go to a doctor, and the doctor gave her a medication that apparently made her “tired, drowsy and unable to consummate the marriage.”

On top of all that, Katy enforced a “no more sex before marriage” rule two weeks before the wedding.  Assuming we can believe this story, and assuming that Russell Brand has truly left his promiscuity behind him, this means that Russell Brand has not had sex in roughly three weeks.  I think this another sign of those End Times that I keep talking about.  Sleep with one eye open, guys, that’s all I’m trying to say.

Photos of Katy Perry and Russell Brand’s Wedding Location

Ugh. I hate destination weddings. They are so selfish. Like, if you want me to see you get married, get married an hour or less away from home. Otherwise, go out into the wild and do it yourselves and then come home and don’t bore me with any of your photos. It just feels so dramatic and unnecessary to drag your family and your friends halfway across the world to watch you do something that’s really just about you and one other person, right?

Anyway, Katy Perry and Russell Brand don’t share my opinion and are so in lurve with India and each other that they decided to get hitched there. Hundreds of people flew out for the ceremony, and this is what they got. A garden. One that looks like it’s been recreated in Los Angeles and New York and all over the world a million times.

Snore.

Katy Perry and Russell Brand Got Married After Their Security Almost Killed Some People

A photo of Katy Perry and Russell Brand

I know, it’s a lot to take in.  Let’s start with the part about the killing.

Remember that tiger safari that Russell and Katy were going to treat their wedding guests to during their stay in India?  Well, that happened, and a Jeep full of photographers (like AP and Reuters guys, not like National Enquirer guys) followed a few hundred feet behind.  When they were spotted and as Russell watched on, the security guards promptly approached them to assault them and steal their car keys, and then leave them alone and bleeding amidst the inhabitants of the national park:  tigers, leopards, hyenas, and boars, to name a few.  They didn’t get eaten by animals though – some park rangers got their keys back.

I think it was pretty lucky that no one got eaten on account of Russell Brand, because that would have put a damper on his wedding day (good segue, right?)!  There aren’t any pictures of the ceremony yet, but you can read every detail of the traditional Indian wedding here, if you’re into that sort of thing, but I’ll go ahead and give you a few of my favorite details:

The traditional Indian rituals observed by the couple included walking around a sacred fire seven times while reciting Sanskrit mantras and tying a special wedding scarf together to symbolise their united partnership.

Perry and Brand’s parents were expected to be heavily involved in the ceremony, with Brand requesting permission to marry Perry by stooping to touch her father and mother’s feet – a sign of deep respect in Indian culture.

Perry, 26, was rumoured to be wearing a dress designed to incorporate a traditional Indian sari and white western gown.

Guests were presented with a box containing four spice-filled pouches, which had been carefully stitched by a group of beautiful local village women working at a nearby craft initiative called Dastkar.

It sounds like a nice event, doesn’t it?  Let’s hope those nice parts last and not those “left for tiger bait” parts.

Katy Perry and Russell Brand Are Getting Married Next Weekend

Katy Perry and Russell Brand Getting Married In India Next Week

Katy Perry and Russell Brand met, got engaged and planned a wedding in just over a year and next weekend it’s finally going down. In India, of all places. Oh yeah, and they’re having a Hindu ceremony.

The couple is flying out about 85 friends and family members to the posh Indian hotel, Taj Rambagh Palace next week. The guests will take place in a tiger safari as part of their three-day stay.

This whole thing is just so annoying to me. Everyone on the planet gave Khloe and Lamar so much shit over their union, but those two seem like a genuine fit. Something about these two just feels so inauthentic and therefore completely doomed.

Russell Brand Prances Around In His Undies

I realize that these photos of Russell Brand running around in his underwear with blood on his mouth are from the set of his new movie Arthur, but I’d like to think that this is what he’d be doing even if he wasn’t working. For some reason, nearly naked and partially bloody just suits Russell. And he seems to love it, too. Look at how he’s hamming it up for the cameras…

What Did You Get Your Boyfriend For His Birthday?

Whatever it is, Katy Perry’s present is probably cooler.

For Russell Brand’s 35th birthday, Katy bought him a trip to outer space.  He’ll be on the Virgin Galactic thing that I think I heard about back in middle school for its very first voyage. Here’s the description of Katy’s present from E!:

Brand and the other brave participants will jet more than 365,000 feet straight into the Earth’s atmosphere at a speed three times faster than the speed of sound. Then they can unfasten their seatbelts and float weightlessly for five minutes before shuttling back to Earth.

“There will be 17-inch-diameter windows to look out onto,” a space agent for Virgin Galactic tells E! “Passengers will be able to view Earth around 800 miles in any direction from space.”

But Russell will have to do some prep work before his blastoff, including two to three days of astronaut training. Luckily, he has plenty of time, since the spacecraft is still in testing stages.

And then, when he comes back down to Earth after hanging out in space, he’ll get astronaut wings and they’ll throw him an astronaut party.  Because Russell Brand will be an astronaut. What is happening to the world?