Roseanne recently posted a self-portrait on Twitter and captioned it ever-so-gracefully, “Fat old Jew,” when in actuality, I think she looks pretty good for turning sixty this year. Yeah, you know, it’s not the most flattering of photos, but then again, unless you’re ninety-five pounds soaking wet, anyone‘s going to look kind of funny from a flat-on-the-chest view. Duh.
Also, did you guys know that Roseanne‘s going to be roasted next month? Yeah, by Comedy Central, and it’s going to happen on August 4th. You’ll be able to catch it on Comedy Central on August 11th, if you dare. Glee‘s Jane Lynch will be hosting, and she had this to say about the event:
“I’ve long fantasized of ripping Roseanne Barr a new one. But because I don’t have the cajones to say anything offensive to her face, I will be hosting the proceedings.”
Kent Alterman, who is Head of Original Programming and Production at Comedy Central had this to say about the upcoming roast:
“Although Roseanne appears to be a demure, soft spoken woman eternally committed to the status quo, we believe under the surface is an explosive, trail-blazing cultural revolution. We are honored to Roast her. Celebrating Roseanne’s unprecedented achievements in comedy and television will surely inspire us to make this roast more reminiscent of the classic roasts, where the intimacy of friends jousting with each other came through.
All joking aside, Roseanne is pretty bad-ass. And before you even consider going ahead and calling me crazy and all sorts of other—sniff, sniff—oh-so-hurtful names for saying so, check out an interview she did with New York Magazine from back in 2011. Guaranteed you’ll be right here agreeing with me.
July 10, 2012 at 11:30 am by Sarah
Yes, Roseanne is still planning on running for president. If you check out her Twitter, you can see that she’s pretty serious about it, or I guess as serious as you can be while using Twitter for your presidential campaign. Another thing you can see if you check out her Twitter is that she really, really wants Willie Nelson to be her vice president, and this weekend, he accepted! But then he got confused and declined.
I’m assuming that Roseanne has mentioned Willie in her campaign before, but he didn’t respond, so she tweeted this:
Mike Tyson, Jello biafra, woody harrelson any of you’s wanna be Vice??? #callme
But a few hours after that, Willie did respond:
I would be happy to run w u After thinking about it awhile it kept sounding better Are u still interested? Love, Willie
Then Roseanne got super excited and said this:
WILLIE I THANK GOD FOR YOU!! May intelligence help us save our country!! BARR/NELSON2012
And then I guess Willie saw Roseanne’s first tweet of ideas for other possible vice presidents, and he backed out:
I see u are speaking to some1 else regarding ur vp running mate I know whoever ur choice is they will be happy to serve w u
Im not ready 2 get n2 politics I have stayed away this long I am content 2 sit on the sidelines & criticize every1 else
Good luck with your campaign. Love, Willie
Then Roseanne got upset and tried to get Willie back for a while, begging him to DM (direct message, for those of you not in the know) her:
wtf??? I told EVERYONE THAT YOU ACCEPTED, DUDE! you can’t back out now! Your country needs you!
can you DM me please?? you are in politics, you were part of a suit against Monsanto for farmers! can you please follow me 4dm
DM ME-follow me please so I can at least tell you what I am thinking–
PLEASE DON’T BACK OUT-I KNOW IT’S HARD TO BE DAVID AGAINST GOLIATH, but your country needs you-farmers need u!
Please let willie know how badly american farmers need his voice! Please Willie Please don’t change ur mind!!
I choose YOU, and want to talk to you-about all of it-dm me-
I am not going to stop until I can talk to you directly thanks
please dm me-follow me first
I am waiting to speak with Willie Nelson -sent him my cell phone number & want to speak with him. I told every1 he accepted&I still want him
But alas, Willie still hasn’t responded. Maybe it’s for the best? Or would you support Roseanne/Nelson in 2012?
May 14, 2012 at 10:30 am by Emily
“I am old now: gray, wrinkled, tired, and bloated, and my joints ache, too. But I am ready to come into my full destiny—as my childhood dreams predicted—as a Neo-Amazonian Pirate Queen of my own vessel: firing cannonballs at the worldwide culture of patriarchy in the name of all that does not suck. I no longer fear moving on to a better existence than this one, which is, of course, no existence at all. Oblivion will be f*cking sweet after a lifetime at the mercy of my hormones and my biological clock and the twisted logic that produced the craving for a dominant male sex partner. I’m quite thrilled to say that at this late hour, in my autumn years, I have at last found a man who is more savant than idiot, and with whom the sparse occasions of physical enjoining of souls is quite sublime.”
Is it crazy that I’m bookmarking this on my laptop so I can read it in about thirty years when I actually have to deal with menopause? It is, right? I should print it off and laminate it.
Anyway, I’ve always seen Roseanne as an inspiration, and I thought some of you might find something useful or uplifting in her words here. You can read the full article after the jump, and if you have a vagina and/or a sense of humor, I strongly suggest you do just that.
November 23, 2011 at 6:30 am by Emily
We’re all familiar with the utter magic of Roseanne, right? Likewise, we’re all familiar with the magic of Roseanne, the most fantastic sitcom that ever was, right? Well, get excited, because we’re about to be presented with the most beautiful gift of our time: a brand new comedy, right on our televisions!
The project, titled Downwardly Mobile, would be a star vehicle for Barr. It’s designed to mine similar territory to her hit 1990s sitcom Roseanne: a close-knit blue-collar family living in tough economic times.
In these trying times, these harrowing days when Dr. Gregory House is not that entertaining and Michael Scott thinks it’s ok to leave Dunder Mifflin, something like a glorious new tale from the master of glorious tales, Roseanne, is precisely what we need.
Would you tune into Downwardly Mobile?
August 12, 2011 at 4:30 pm by Emily
I know, I know, I probably blew your mind with such an awesome idea so early in the morning. But stick with me, take a coffee break if you need to, and then soak this glorious news in for all it’s worth.
“You know Jay, I decided that since you’re the one that got Arnold Schwarzenegger elected as governor of California, that I wanted to make my announcement here on your show because I really wanted to ask for your support. My announcement is that I am running for president of the United States.”
She then added, “I’m totally serious…’Cause I want to be a part of the debates, because I want to represent the tax payer. In fact, I’m choosing the tax payers as my vice president.”
It turns out that Sarah Palin was something of an inspiration to Barr. “You know, it’s because of her that I decided to do a reality show,” Barr said. “I have feral pigs that overrun my farm, and I’d like to shoot them out of a helicopter. But, um, that’s kinda what got me thinking that I too should run for president, if she can….I feel like she’s stealing my act, anyway.”
Barr added that she’s trying to steer clear of the Democrat/Republican politics. “I’m not for either party because they both suck and they’re both a bunch of criminals. So I made up my own party. It’s America’s Green Tea Party.”
Sounds a little too good to be true, doesn’t it? Well, it might be, but Roseanne is sticking to her story, judging by a Tweet she made Friday morning:
Don’t tease, Roseanne. I’m too fragile for that.
August 6, 2011 at 8:00 am by Emily
Anyone who knows me knows that I live for Roseanne. I still watch repeats of her show on TV Land almost nightly and my DVR is chock full of episodes for when I’m going through a rough time. There’s never been anyone quite like her, and if you read her new piece in New York, you’ll learn that, as far as she’s concerned, there never will be.
The entire thing is an absolute must-read that I’ve forwarded to half the people I know, but if you want a taste of one of the better parts of the essay, check out this paragraph regarding her struggles to get some authentic-feeling wardrobe:
I grabbed a pair of wardrobe scissors and ran up to the big house to confront the producer. (The “big house” was what I called the writers’ building. I rarely went there, since it was disgusting. Within minutes, one of the writers would crack a stinky-pussy joke that would make me want to murder them. Male writers have zero interest in being nice to women, including their own assistants, few of whom are ever promoted to the rank of “writer,” even though they do all the work while the guys sit on their asses taking the credit. Those are the women who deserve the utmost respect.) I walked into this woman’s office, held the scissors up to show her I meant business, and said, “Bitch, do you want me to cut you?” We stood there for a second or two, just so I could make sure she was receptive to my POV. I asked why she had told the wardrobe master to not listen to me, and she said, “Because we do not like the way you choose to portray this character.” I said, “This is no fucking character! This is my show, and I created it—not Matt, and not Carsey-Werner, and not ABC. You watch me. I will win this battle if I have to kill every last white bitch in high heels around here.”
That might read as crazy to some of you, but sometimes crazy is what you need to be to get your voice heard. It’s worth losing your fucking mind over something you believe in.
Roseanne fought tooth and nail to get her vision taken seriously and make her show the number one hit that she always hoped it would be. Yes, I devour my Real Housewives too, but we can’t ever forget that those are the dessert and a show like Roseanne is the meal.
She also touches on some important and interesting stuff about Charlie Sheen’s recent battle with the creators of Two and a Half Men and cites Dave Chappelle as someone she admires for having the courage to walk away in the face of a bajllion dollar deal. Like I said, this whole thing is a total must-read.