Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Rob Lowe

Rob Lowe Worked Nine Hours to Look This Horrible

Hot or not? Rob Lowe as Drew Peterson

Image courtesy NBC Chicago

Entertainment Weekly demands to know, “Why, Rob Lowe? Why?!” and I can only echo this headline’s horror.

In mid-June I warned you that hot, hot Rob Lowe had been cast as then-55-year-old wife-killer Drew Peterson, who is comparatively, unsexily swollen. (I also accurately anticipated what Rob Lowe might look like in the role, and it wasn’t pretty.)

And here he is now, in 9 hours’ makeup, for his part in the upcoming made-for-TV movie Untouchable. Oh, my beloved Rob Lowe! Why? Why are you denigrating your own talent and good looks—especially your good looks—for Lifetime? Yes, Lifetime.

I said it in June, but I must reiterate: I cannot understand why they cast anybody but Dennis Farina as this mustachioed Chicagoland villain. AM I THE ONLY SANE PERSON LEFT?

Worst Casting Ever: Rob Lowe as Drew Peterson

Rob Lowe at the de Grisogono reception at Hotel Du Cap Eden Roc on May 17, 2011
Photo by Dave M. Benett/Getty Images

Did you see the Lifetime made-for-TV movie about The Craigslist Killer? Of course you did, and then you watched the hourlong documentary right after. Did you see the one starring Jennifer Love Hewitt as a down-on-her-luck suburban hooker? Yes! You did! You watched it because you are such a huge Ghost Whisperer fan.

So when you read that Rob Lowe was cast as the dashing violent misogynist in a Lifetime Movie, you were a little surprised. But then you got excited! Rob Lowe can do sinister. Rob Lowe can do sociopath. And most importantly, for younger audiences anyway, Rob Lowe can do Daddy Issues. Hot.

Unfortunately, Rob Lowe was cast as killer husband Drew Peterson.

“Didn’t Lifetime already make a movie about that Peterson guy?” you are asking yourself. “Starring Dean Cain? Or am I thinking of an episode of Law and Order: SVU?”

Rob Lowe versus Drew Peterson

Poor Dean Cain was typecast as Scott Peterson, the so-perfect-he-must-be-evil husband. Rob Lowe, on the other hand, has been cast as Drew Peterson, the dowdy ex-cop from the Chicago ‘burbs who was eventually revealed as a modern-day Bluebeard. You know, Drew Peterson — salt-and-pepper hair, mustache, married a 23-year-old girl, killed her…?

So this whole casting debacle is quadruple-confusing, not only because Scott Peterson isn’t Drew Peterson, but also because Rob Lowe is all wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

Unless…

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Rob Lowe Wrote a Book and Discussed How Messed Up Tom Cruise Really Is

photo of rob lowe for vanity fair magazine pictures

A long, long time ago I had the hots for Rob Lowe. But that was after the crush on his older brother, Chad Lowe, has run its course. Remember Life Goes On? Chad Lowe played Becca’s HIV-stricken boyfriend who eventually died? Man, he was the hottest dying man I’d ever seen, even at the young age of, like, ten.

Rob’s career has come to a sort of revival, and in honor of a new book he’s written, he was offered the cover – and an interview – with Vanity Fair, where he discussed excerpts from his book about both Tom Cruise and Patrick Swayze. About Tom Cruise, Lowe says:

“He’s open, friendly, funny, and has an almost robotic, bloodless focus and an intensity that I’ve never encountered before.” In New York for the second round of auditions, Lowe finds that Cruise is “already showing traits that will make him famous; he’s zeroed in like a laser.” “We check into the Plaza Hotel. I am taken aback at the luxury and spectacle of the lobby…. The front desk tells us we will be sharing rooms,” Lowe writes of the actors’ arrival in the Big Apple. “In a flash, Cruise is on the phone to his agent, Paula Wagner. ‘Paula, they are making us share,’ he says…. The rest of us are staggering around like happy goofs….. ‘O.K., then. Thank you very much,’ he says like a 50-year-old businessman getting off the phone with his stockbroker. ‘Paula says it’s fine.’”

Lowe remembers hanging out with Cruise and the other actors in a gymnasium on set, when Patrick Swayze—who, Lowe writes, “makes Tom Cruise look lobotomized”—“begins to teach us a standing backflip…. When it comes to flips, I’m a pussy. I don’t flip. I don’t even dive into a pool—straight cannonball for me…. No, thanks. Cruise, not surprisingly, is all over it. ‘How about this!’ he says, almost pulling it off without even being spotted. He wipes out, but tries it again immediately.”

OK, so I gather that Tom Cruise was a cheesy tool even back in the day.  Not surprising.  And Patrick Swayze was always hot.  Alright. So, shoot me if I’m wrong, but the book actually sounds kind of interesting, and hell. It’s something I might actually read and enjoy. So, hey, publishing house in charge of stumping for Rob’s book – hook a sister up. I promise to write a rave review even if the book sucks, in exchange for a hot night of sex with the still-totally-bangable Rob Lowe. Fair, yes?