Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Rihanna Is THIS CLOSE to Showing Her Cooter

A photo of Rihanna

Look, I know you guys. I just do. You can try to play like I don’t, but we both know that’s not true. And one of the things I know about you is that you love to see pictures of naked parts. It’s ok, it’s natural!

And seeing as how you love seeing nudey pictures, I think it’s only fair to show you this picture of Rihanna, and to inform you that it will probably be around a week and a half before she tweets a mirror shot of her junk, and about a month before she shares a video of her visit to the gynecologist.

Here’s one more photo:

A photo of Rihanna

These photos actually weren’t tweeted by Rihanna: one of her friends, Melissa Forde, shared them, along with the caption “who needs fashion when there’s p-ssy?” Which means that Rihanna is the kind of girl who hangs out with her friends in just a bra and some funky headgear. And that’s probably the most likable thing I’ve ever heard about Rihanna.

Rihanna and Chris Brown Already Have a Dysfunctional Relationship, But Don’t Worry, Everything’s OK Now

photo of chris brown and rihanna cuddling on twitter pictures
See that photo up top? Well, just keep in mind that the photo was posted on Twitter after all the drama happened, so now we know that there is absolutely nothing that could destroy Rihanna and Chris‘s relationship, notwithstanding bloody fists and goose eggs.

So anyway, here’s what happened—over the weekend, Rihanna fired off a bunch of regrettable Tweets to the tune of:

Examine what you tolerate

Goodbye muthafu-ka

You give, you get, then you give it the f-ck back

Claps for the basic bitches

What’s this all about, you wonder? Well, sources are saying that Rihanna was all upset because Chris was allegedly partying with his ex, Karreuche Tran, over the last few days, and naturally, Rihanna totally thought that Chris had changed that he could be trusted. When she saw that he hasn’t, and she can’t, she went ballistic and on a rant that just doesn’t exist anymore.

After everything was deleted, of course, she posted the above photo with the caption, “Damn……. I miss my n-gga #thuglife #BFFlife” and went on like nothing at all happened, but hey. Isn’t that the nature of this particular beast? All sorts of shit can go down and everyone’s all acting like it’s the Thug Life Brady Bunch or something?

Katy Perry And Rihanna Are Fighting Over Who Has The Worst Boyfriend

A photo of Katy Perry and Rihanna

Katy Perry and Rihanna are total BFFs. Like, totally. They probably have slumber parties and they probably have secret matching tattoos and they probably text each other ALL THE TIME.

Or at least they did, back before Rihanna got back with Chris Brown and Katy started seeing John Mayer. Now everything’s just gone to hell.

From Hollywood Life:

We thought nothing could come between these BFFs! Inseparable pals Katy Perryand Rihanna are now feuding over their bad boy boyfriends, according to a new report.

Rihanna is tired of Katy criticizing her for dating Chris Brown, and this time Rihanna is fighting back! A source told Star magazine “She says Katy’s a hypocrite since she’s with John Mayer, who is one of the biggest sleazeballs on the planet!”

Katy and John are rumored to be moving into an L.A. home together, and Rihanna is not happy about it. She is firing back disses at John!

The source assures that RiRi and Katy do care about each other and are  just being protective — “They’re really stubborn and both of them are in love with bad boys.”

We certainly hope these two can forgive and forget! Nothing should come between BFFs, even their men! We hope Rihanna and Katy can work this out!

So dumb, but I think Katy does have the upper hand here. I think Rihanna means well, and I think she definitely has a reason to be sad that her friend is dating an asshole like John Mayer, but she’s pretty much the last person on the planet who needs to be giving on dating advice. Because while John Mayer might be a gross, racist jackass, Chris Brown is the guy who put her in the hospital. It’s kind of hard to top that.

Don’t Freak Out, But I Think Rihanna Got A Tattoo for Chris Brown

A photo of Rihanna

I don’t know, guys. I don’t know if she did or not, it’s just a rumor right now. A rumor that Rihanna got a tattoo that reads “Breezy.”

Just in case you’re behind on the times, Chris Brown’s nickname is Breezy, and his fans are called Team Breezy. Yeah, I don’t know either, but that’s a widely known fact. If she did, for real, get a tattoo that says Breezy, then there’s absolutely no misinterpreting it.

The rumor is that she got the tattoo earlier this week, and “she got it to symbolize her commitment to him” because “they’re determined to make it work.” Gross.

Of course, there aren’t any photos of this alleged new tattoo, so this all might be a big ol’ lie. But it wouldn’t be really hard to believe, would it? Like, it’s not like we’d be shocked if Rihanna got Chris Brown’s face tattooed on her back or anything. It would just be the latest in a string of unsurprising disappointments.

But I still really, really hope this isn’t true.

Before They Were Famous: Pre-Chris Brown Rihanna

photo of rihanna pictures photos
Can we just stop for a second and collectively shake our heads over Rihanna and what happened to the poor fifteen-year-old girl who got in way over her head, and then got beat in the head, suffered permanent brain damage, and took back the sucker that beat her in the head to begin with? Because damn. If I was Rihanna, or if I was Rihanna’s mother, I’d be looking back on this photo and saying, “Ah, jeez, where did I/you go wrong?”

I could tell you where you went wrong, Rihanna, if you really want to know—CHRIS BROWN MIP:

photo of chris brown mip pictures
See this for further explanation.

Rihanna Wants a Baby Now, Naturally, is Also Marrying Chris Brown Soon

photo of chris brown pictures rihanna photo
Just when you thought that business couldn’t get any more ridiculous between Chris Brown and Rihanna, it does. Because Rihanna supposedly wants this baby with Chris, because duh, a baby makes domestic violence in relationships totally go away. From Entertainmentwise:

“She [Rihanna] asked her record company when the best time would be for her to take off, as she wants a baby,” an insider revealed to Closer. “They just stared at her. Everyone was pretty open-mouthed. But she hasn’t got any time free in her diary until 2014.”

With the singer’s record of releasing a new album every year not to mention her touring, it could be a while before she has time to even think about settling down.

Meanwhile whilst babies could be a long way off, there are further rumours Rihanna could be walking down the aisle at the end of the year. The star has allegedly told friends to keep New Year’s Eve free, with pals convinced the couple are planning a surprise wedding.

Not everyone’s happy with the reunion though as the source goes onto say that Rihanna’s mum Monica Braithwaite is allegedly doing everything she can to stop the pair getting anymore serious: “She called Rihanna to yell at her, asking what she’s doing with her life,” a source explained.

“They’ve been blowing up over the Chris issue for weeks now. Her mom has told her not to waste any time on Chris and said, ‘Is this the type of man you want as your baby’s dad? He’s acting just like your dad used to.’”

Not that her mum’s opinion seems to matter to RiRi: “This has made Rihanna even more determined to marry him,” the source insists.

A rep for Rihanna has been contacted for comment.

So I know that I said earlier how Gwyneth Paltrow is married to Chris Brown, but I was dead wrong, guys, and I’m sorry for any kind of confusion that caused. But Gwyneth Paltrow being married to Chris Brown is way, way less bizarre a notion than Chris Brown impregnating Rihanna, and then knocking her up with a tiny, angry Chris Brown fetus. I don’t know. I don’t know what else. This story just stops here, because unless Chris Brown beats the snot out of Rihanna once again, there’s really no reason to continue talking about these two morons, am I right?

Don’t Worry, Chris Brown And Rihanna Are Still Putting Pictures of Themselves Online

A photo of Chris Brown and Rihanna

And no, I’m not sure what’s going on in this picture. My best guess would be that Chris Brown is getting high while Rihanna models a backwards camouflage Snuggie. Do you have any ideas?

But the best part about this picture, and really the reason that I’m showing you this picture, is the caption that goes along with it. Chris posted this on his Instagram page with the caption “What would music today sound like if these kids didn’t exist?” No, really, that’s what he said. Just let that sink in for a moment.

What would music today sound like if these kids didn’t exist? I know I’m an optimist, but I’m going to go out on a limb and say that things would be pretty much the same. Sure, Chris Brown and Rihanna are both groundbreaking, super influential artists, and they’ve each got a sound that simply cannot be matched, but I think that somehow the evolution of music would still continue on the same course. Call me crazy, but I’m into wishful thinking!

Real talk: these guys are just too dumb.