I don’t know, guys. I was never really into Dancing With the Stars, and I was even more aghast when they asked Kate Gosselin to star on it for a season, so I’m sort of torn as to how I continuously feel about the show. I know it’s not going away anytime soon, and I’ve made my peace with that, but it seems like the execs over there at ABC are trying really, really hard to lure in the under-fifty crowd by including people like Bristol Palin, Kendra Wilkinson, and the majority of the new season’s cast. Who, you’re wondering? Try these names out for size:

Nancy Grace. Just when you thought her career wouldn’t extend past the Casey Anthony trial.

Kristin Cavallari. Because she’s just been dumped by someone who wasn’t even good enough to be considered for the sportsman position on DWTS, I guess.

Ricki Lake. Why not? It’s not like she’s done anything recently except play poker or something.

Chynna Phillips. Sure hope this one doesn’t lose the weight that most contestants do. SHE CAN’T AFFORD IT.

Hope Solo. This one’s going to be fun to watch. I saw an interview after all of the women’s soccer hubbub earlier this summer where she was asked about the possibility of joining the cast, and Hope claimed that, even though she’s mad athletic and coordinated on the field, she can’t dance for crap. I like this girl, so good times.

Jump in for the rest of *the list:

Elisabetta Canalis. I’m just “meh” about this, I guess. She was a hot ticket when she was George Clooney’s girl, because she was George Clooney’s girl, but now I guess I couldn’t really give a crap about her. Fame is a fickle friend, guys.

David Arquette. Ugh, really? I’ve come to the conclusion that this guy’s a total reject and will fail at anything he does. His marriage? Well, it speaks for itself. Now he’s rumored to be dating dirty, dirty Joe Francis’s ex-wife. Fail. The whole trying to be successful and sober thing? Failure. Dancing With the Stars? He’ll FAIL.

Rob Kardashian. Yup, definitely the least interesting Kardashian going. Why couldn’t it be Khloe? At least she’d be fun and entertaining, but I guess the media chose Rob because he’s the Kardashian least likely to succeed these days.

Ryan O’Neal. I thought this guy was in rehab? Or was that his son? Or both of them? Oh, I guess it was the son as of recent. I don’t know. I can barely tell them apart. Either way, this person will be the first to go, I have no doubts.

JR Martinez. But who’s JR Martinez? I thought they were just calling him Junior, so that’s who I Googled. And according to Google, Junior Martinez is a minor league baseball player. But that’s not who we’re talking about, we’re talking about JR Martinez, who actually way more important than some minor-leaguer. Martinez is a retired military man who currently stars on All My Children. According to his Wiki page:

In 2003, J.R. experienced severe burns to over 40 percent of his body while serving as a United States Army infantryman in Iraq. After a long and difficult recovery, J.R. spends his time traveling the country extensively in his role as a spokesman and motivational speaker sharing his message of resilience and optimism to large corporations, veteran groups, schools, and other organizations.

I’m disappointed in myself that I’ve never heard of him before. Guess I should pull my head out of my ass sometimes, huh?

Chaz Bono. This is a good pick. If any D-lister could stand to get a little more healthy looking, it’s Chaz Bono.

Ron Artest. Yes. Let’s include the guy who wants to change his legal name to “Metta World Peace,” just because. Why not?

*This list is obviously subject to change, as this is a “leak.” You know how those bitches roll.

Ok, I know “everyone we cared about in the 80′s and 90′s” is a pretty large group, and granted, there is not a single Spice Girl in the video, but it’s still a solid representation.  Jason Alexander. Ricki Lake. Norm from Cheers, Theo from The Cosby Show. Carlton from Fresh Prince breaks it down.  What’s that? Those names are enough for your highfalutin tastes? Fair enough.  What if I told you that Glenn Close and Right Said Fred are also involved?  Still not enough?  Fine.  SMFG is there. That’s right, Steve Motherfucking Guttenberg.  And I defy you to name someone more important.

But really, I defy you.  I’m not saying that Steve Guttenberg was the most influential actor of the 80′s and 90′s (even though in a different, very correct sense I am definitely saying that), I’m just wondering what your favorite appearance in the video was.  I care about what you care about, and that’s why our relationship works.

Are these bangs going to be some new trend?  Because I hate them.  Like, I didn’t care when Jessica Alba got them because she’s mean and deserves ugly hair.  But Selena Gomez is just a cute and innocent kid despite that thing on her head.  Where were her parents when this haircut was happening?  Aren’t there laws to protect minors from this kind of thing? 

Speaking of devastating, I also came across some pictures of Rachel Zoe who was at the 2008 CNN Heroes with Selena event last night.  And I wikied her.  She’s 37 years old?  I will give a free Dr. Pepper to the first person who can prove that she is actually at least eight years older.  Because if I have to live with the fact that she’s only 11 months older than I am, I’m not sure I can go on.  For real.

Also there:  Lucy Liu looking pregnant, Cameron Diaz looking orange, and Ricki Lake looking like she could have made so much more effort.  Dude, you lost like, a hundred pounds.  Wear something flattering.

When I page through all the pictures that were taken at an event, there are lots of snapshots of each celebrity in different poses or scenarios.  Drinking wine, posing on the red carpet, accepting an award.  Meg Ryan’s face, in every single picture, was exactly the same.  No other facial nuance was recorded at any time.  

Okay, this is a very weird story. I don’t know much about Ricki Lake, but, last I heard, she wasn’t exactly John Mayer’s type. So I’m not sure what to make of this latest bit of gossip.

John Mayer – clearly not thinking of his most recent flings with Minka Kelly or Cameron Diaz – made a beeline for Ricki Lake at the Sunshine Sachs p.r. company’s Christmas party. The two talked about Lake’s new documentary, “The Business of Being Born,” before Mayer confessed, “I’ve had a crush on you for two years.” Helpful publicists then herded the two to a back table, where they exchanged numbers. Lake soon left and went to the Rose Bar, where Mayer texted her throughout the night.

What do you guys think? Is Ricki Lake hot?