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Rachel Uchitel

3This Chick’s Just Not Going Away, Is She?

You remember Rachel Uchitel — Tiger’s wacked-out mistress #1?  Looks like girlfriend’s going to be on the next season of The Apprentice. So help us God.

Trump, Apprentice creator, was said to have called Uchitel a few weeks ago about the possibility of having her on his reality show, and she reportedly said “Absolutely.”

David Boreanaz, Tiger Woods … this opens up Hollywood and it’s “leading” men to the cavernous orifice known as Rachel Uchitel’s vagina, and her seedy manipulations, too.

Good move, Trump. Now that you’re bringing this fetid old crotch launcher into the open, the “I Fucked Rachel Uchitel” disease should spread faster than fucking ebola.


July 16, 2010 at 6:33 am by Sarah

2Want to See Rachel Uchitel’s Ta-Tas?

I don’t, ’cause I’m not into that whole shock-type of visual assault, but I’m sure there’s got to be a market for something like this somewhere or another.

Rachel Uchitel, the mistress of both Tiger Woods and David Boreanaz (and God knows who else), is taking Playboy up on their offer to pose nude for the illustrious skin mag. However, she’s not willing to show her gilded promised-land cooter — the mistress is only interested in showing her fake tits and plastic ass.

It seems like only yesterday she was mourning the loss of her boyfriend who was killed during the 9/11 attacks. Uchitel was quoted earlier in the decade stating that she doesn’t think of her former fiance with regret any longer:

“When I think of Andy I no longer cry. I smile and I laugh. I’m at that point now. I can go on everyday knowing that somebody like him chose me to love.”

After she lost her Andy in the attacks, she found love and solace in the arms of a former classmate, Steven Ehrenkranz. Although some “insiders” claimed that Uchitel was a ho with a penchant for married men (Uchitel had a “history of being with married men” and had been called “self-destructive.”) Ehrenkranz blindly married the cock-bandit in 2004 and the couple divorced four months later. Gotta dig that ever-lasting kind of love.

My my, how far we’ve come Ms. Uchitel. Wherever they are, your Andy and your ex-husband must be so damned proud of you. Keep on keepin’ on, woman: your next investment Hef calls.

May 17, 2010 at 8:28 am by Sarah

4David Boreanaz Was the Original Tiger, Bitches, and Don’t You Forget It

Radar Online has received exclusive information pertaining to Bones star David Boreanaz and his, uh, “indiscretions” with the newest Hollywood ho, Rachel Uchitel. You’ll remember that Uchitel was originally linked to Tiger Woods … and there’s no need to explain how all of that turned out.

Not only do the texts and phone conversations that RO received show Uchitel as an icky woman who’s just desperate for male affection, it also paints her with the obsessive, possessive brush — the sources claim that Rachel repeatedly begged encouraged Boreanaz to make their “relationship” permanent:

In the messages, Uchitel tells Boreanaz that she is unable to go see him in LA and urges him to come see her in NY instead, writing, “I need you here so we can be together.” Boreanaz tells her, “This is not a good time.” His wife Jamie was pregnant with the couple’s second child at the time of his affair with Uchitel. Uchitel erupts in anger and writes, “I can’t do this anymore…Just go. Just (bleeping) go and be with her.” This causes Boreanaz to get angry and he writes: “Why do u act like such a (bleeping) child!!! She is my wife.” But that doesn’t cause Uchitel to back off and she replies,“Oh, please!!” She grows more furious with him and writes,“You’re such a liar. You’re never leaving. You’ve wasted my time and I’m once again alone … I can’t (bleeping) be alone anymore. I’ve been alone my entire life.” Boreanaz fights back, writing, “What the HELL are you talking about. We spend more than enough time together.”

So, not only is Uchitel responsible for dabbling in yet another marriage (though she insinuated that she had a liaison with Boreanaz months back), David Boreanaz’s wife now knows that there were other women, too, in addition to the woman who supposedly tried to extort money from the actor and his wife — not so unlike Tiger and his relationship with estranged wife, Elin.

Reps for Boreanaz and his wife claim that they’re going to work through this (or rather, these) and they anticipate coming out on top.

Funny. That’s what she said.

May 13, 2010 at 6:38 am by Sarah

19Elin Nordegren Pulls the Plug on Her Marriage to Tiger Woods

And not a moment too soon, as far as I’m concerned.

Things seemed kind of suspect when the Sweden-born Nordegren moved back to her roots and took the couple’s children with them, but hey. Couples take extended vacations, uh, apart and with their children all of the time, right? Then Tiger pulls out of the Playas Player’s Championship citing a herniated disk in his neck. I thought the retraction from the Championship was definitely a little off, and now I think I know why.

Sources close to the couple confirm that Tiger and Elin are, indeed, splitting — for real and for good this time. The source claims that although the couple tried to reconcile, shit’s just not happening:

“She tried to put things back together … She went to therapy with Tiger. She gave it a shot moving forward.”

But because she just couldn’t put the past behind her (and I don’t blame you one fucking bit, girl), she started her life anew. The insider claims that the two are on cordial speaking terms, but there’s no chance in sight for reconciliation or keepin’ it together for the kids.

While Elin currently visits Sweden with her children, the insider maintains that Elin does want Tiger to “co-parent” their children, which probably means that he’ll get some kind of visitation rights. At some point. Who knows.

Sucks to be you, Tiger. But hey … you lay down with whores dogs, you get STDs fleas and then fucking no one wants your shit.

May 11, 2010 at 8:03 am by Sarah

9Tiger Mistress, Rachel Uchitel, Arrives in LA to Wreak Some More Havoc

Rachel Uchitel, you’ll remember, was the “first” Tiger Woods mistress to emerge from the woodwork. She was also linked to David Boreanaz (current admitted cheater) in the past, claiming that she lured him away from his wife and boned the Bones actor.

She’s arrived in LA (sans her attorney, Gloria Allred) to clear her name — or rather, what’s left of it. Uchitel states that she was not the one looking to extort money from Boreanaz, who recently spoke of marital infidelity and mistress blackmail. Uchitel was spotted leaving LA amateur hotspot, Chateau Marmont, with a friend, looking to be in high spirits.

Rachel’s looking well these days. In the sense that you can barely see her features beyond her eyes and teeth due to her amazing spray tan. Hasn’t she seen Jersey Shore? Doesn’t she know how blurred your features can become under the influence of liquid gold orange?

May 6, 2010 at 9:39 am by Sarah

12Rachel Uchitel is Already Riding a New Guy


Rachel Uchitel, one of Tiger Woods’ many alleged mistresses, has had a pretty low-key day so far. She woke up, ran some errands, walked her dogs Rudy Giuliani and Ozzy Osbourne, and then got a piggy back ride from a handsome male companion in front of a bunch of paparazzi. Similar to my morning. I don’t know about you guys, but I think that guy’s probably Rachel’s gay BFF and she’s saving face in light of being publicly humiliated and just trying to enjoy her minimal fame and massive “shut the hell up” check from Tiger. Again, similar to my morning.

December 10, 2009 at 1:15 pm by Molls
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