Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Rachel Uchitel

Quotables: Rachel Uchitel is Still Diggin’ on Tiger

“I feel horrible for him. He loved her. But he was in love with me. I hope he remembers that was real, and reaches out to me. I’d give up everything to be with him again.”

Annnnnnd by ‘everything,’ surely you mean what, Rachel? Your celeb rehab notoriety? Your fatty side of beef-looking lips? Your Botoxed-to-hell face that only a first-year plastic surgeon could love? Your dependencies on various pills? What is it that you’d exactly give up to be with him, girl? I’m listening.

Rachel Uchitel Gets Real and Checks Into Rehab

After completing her stint on Celebrity Rehab (which is essentially a joke), Rachel Uchitel has decided to take her treatment for drinking, smoking and pill poppin’ a bit more seriously. Tiger Woods and David Boreanaz’s former mistress is using her hush money to get straight and those fancy rehab centers built for celeb types? Far from cheap.

Rachel is spending over 20 grand to house herself and her dogs in a Malibu rehab for 30 days. Sounds more like an extended vacation (and for that amount, why not go somewhere more tropical), but if her sobriety sticks, I’ll be rooting for her. Granted, I totally think this woman is a scab on humanity, but I do really respect her using this time and money to rid herself of her demons. That shows potential.

So, I Guess There WAS Some Kind of Validity to Rachel Uchitel’s Induction Into Celebrity Rehab

And here I thought it was just because she was a fame-hungry, fuck-at-any-cost ho. Silly me!

RadarOnline released exclusive emails between Rachel and Tiger while they were “dating” (that were presumably sent to Radar by Rachel herself) that claimed both parties were addicted to pills:

“Would it be possible for you to get us some more Ambien,” Woods wrote to Uchitel in a November, 2009 email.

Uchitel responded, “Ok, but we need to talk about this. I don’t know how to deal with us possibly being addicted to prescription meds.”

“What can I say to make you stop taking Ambien excessively? What can I do to prove that I’m worried?” [Says Uchitel]

“I feel like taking pills is my only alternative!” Woods answered to Uchitel’s concern.

Now, to be clear, the couple weren’t, you know, cracked-out zombies that took high-powered sedatives to zone out. Supposedly they were taking the pills for another, more lurid, reason: the idea that some who take Ambien have instant sexual gratification-type results almost immediately after taking the pills.

So they’d dope out on sleeping pills and fuck ’til the cows came home … or until one of them passed out in a drug-induced stupor that resulted in unconscious eating and some more sleep sex.

Uh … win?