Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Rachel Uchitel

In Related Pregnancy News …

photo of rachel uchitel married pregnant pictures photos
Remember Rachel Uchitel? The chick who affaired with Tiger Woods and David Boreanaz and God knows who else? Apparently she’s pregnant! By her husband! I didn’t even know she had a husband – isn’t that just so wonderful for her?

Congratulations to the girl, and may you teach your child to be more compassionate about those who have no teeth and to stay out of rehab as best as he or she can. Oh! Also to quit licking golf balls, ’cause you never do know what ditch they’ve been sitting in.

Image courtesy of TMZ

Rachel Uchitel is Not a Whore

photo of tiger woods mistress rachel uchitel topless pictures

Rachel Uchitel, former mistress of Tiger Woods and contestant on Celebrity Rehab, claims that she’s neither a ho nor a homewrecker. In fact, she’s a private investigator. Or, at least, will be, come this December!

Yup. Rachel Uchitel finally breaks her silence to the UK’s Daily Mail about the Tiger Woods affair (OK, well, not too much, or she would have ended up with a bloody horse’s head in her bed, not all that dissimilar from last Christmas) and claims that she’s not only the best of all of the mistresses, but the one with the most teeth.

On former fellow mistress Jaimie Grubbs:

“The poor girl had a tooth missing … Honestly, she was toothless!”

She also claims that all of the other women in Tiger’s life were whores, but not She of the Virgins and of the Crisp Hair:

“People have called me all sorts of names, but they don’t know me.  I am not the same as the other girls … I am only telling my story now so that people can discover what sort of girl I am and learn the truth about me – if they still choose to hate me, then so be it – but I never set out to hurt anyone.”

Uchitel also says that while she appreciates Tiger’s multi-million-dollar payoff, she didn’t need it, ’cause her love don’t cost a thing:

“I have a brain and I came from money. I never needed any man’s money.”

As for her future career aspirations? She wants to add private investigator to her list of wonderful attributes, and will be formally licensed next month:

“Yes, that means I will be hunting down cheating husbands,” she said. “It is all part of me moving on with my life and I figured I may as well do something career-wise that I have a flair for.”

I guess the ‘stripper’ and ‘famewhore‘ positions were filled to the gills at the New York unemployment office. Uchitel strikes me as a ‘take what you can’ type of girl, so private eye it is, guys.  Wish the lady some luck, won’t you?

Elin Nordegren Doesn’t Need Your Tiger Woods

In her first — and confirmed last — interview, Elin Nordegren speaks out to People magazine about the aftermath of the Tiger Woods scandal and how she’s coping. Elin states that she’s feeling better than ever, won’t let this get her down, and has plans for her future — all of which include her children:

“I have been through the stages of disbelief and shock, to anger and ultimately grief over the loss of the family I so badly wanted for my children. [But] I also feel stronger than I ever have. I have confidence in my beliefs, my decisions and myself.”

And though she’s keeping busy by working toward a college degree, Elin states that family is still her number one priority, even if the father of her children is a douchebag and isn’t a part of the family unit any longer:

“My immediate plan is for the kids and me to continue to adjust to our new situation. I am going to keep taking classes, but my main focus is to try to give myself time to heal.”

You know what? I got all sorts of good vibes from this interview. I commend her on holding her silence for this long (because really, there’d be very few women — or men, really — who could keep their trap snapped over heinous allegations that were brought forth against their spouses like the ones brought against Woods) and I really believe her when she says that this interview, while her first, will also be her last. I believe her, and I don’t see any tell-all Tiger Woods: Behind the Scenes books in development. At least by Elin, anyway. Rachel Uchitel? Yeah. Probably.

Quotables: Rachel Uchitel is Still Diggin’ on Tiger

“I feel horrible for him. He loved her. But he was in love with me. I hope he remembers that was real, and reaches out to me. I’d give up everything to be with him again.”

Annnnnnd by ‘everything,’ surely you mean what, Rachel? Your celeb rehab notoriety? Your fatty side of beef-looking lips? Your Botoxed-to-hell face that only a first-year plastic surgeon could love? Your dependencies on various pills? What is it that you’d exactly give up to be with him, girl? I’m listening.

Rachel Uchitel Gets Real and Checks Into Rehab

After completing her stint on Celebrity Rehab (which is essentially a joke), Rachel Uchitel has decided to take her treatment for drinking, smoking and pill poppin’ a bit more seriously. Tiger Woods and David Boreanaz’s former mistress is using her hush money to get straight and those fancy rehab centers built for celeb types? Far from cheap.

Rachel is spending over 20 grand to house herself and her dogs in a Malibu rehab for 30 days. Sounds more like an extended vacation (and for that amount, why not go somewhere more tropical), but if her sobriety sticks, I’ll be rooting for her. Granted, I totally think this woman is a scab on humanity, but I do really respect her using this time and money to rid herself of her demons. That shows potential.

So, I Guess There WAS Some Kind of Validity to Rachel Uchitel’s Induction Into Celebrity Rehab

And here I thought it was just because she was a fame-hungry, fuck-at-any-cost ho. Silly me!

RadarOnline released exclusive emails between Rachel and Tiger while they were “dating” (that were presumably sent to Radar by Rachel herself) that claimed both parties were addicted to pills:

“Would it be possible for you to get us some more Ambien,” Woods wrote to Uchitel in a November, 2009 email.

Uchitel responded, “Ok, but we need to talk about this. I don’t know how to deal with us possibly being addicted to prescription meds.”

“What can I say to make you stop taking Ambien excessively? What can I do to prove that I’m worried?” [Says Uchitel]

“I feel like taking pills is my only alternative!” Woods answered to Uchitel’s concern.

Now, to be clear, the couple weren’t, you know, cracked-out zombies that took high-powered sedatives to zone out. Supposedly they were taking the pills for another, more lurid, reason: the idea that some who take Ambien have instant sexual gratification-type results almost immediately after taking the pills.

So they’d dope out on sleeping pills and fuck ’til the cows came home … or until one of them passed out in a drug-induced stupor that resulted in unconscious eating and some more sleep sex.

Uh … win?

This Chick’s Just Not Going Away, Is She?

You remember Rachel Uchitel — Tiger’s wacked-out mistress #1?  Looks like girlfriend’s going to be on the next season of The Apprentice. So help us God.

Trump, Apprentice creator, was said to have called Uchitel a few weeks ago about the possibility of having her on his reality show, and she reportedly said “Absolutely.”

David Boreanaz, Tiger Woods … this opens up Hollywood and it’s “leading” men to the cavernous orifice known as Rachel Uchitel’s vagina, and her seedy manipulations, too.

Good move, Trump. Now that you’re bringing this fetid old crotch launcher into the open, the “I Fucked Rachel Uchitel” disease should spread faster than fucking ebola.