Bad news:  that’s pretty much the only way you can get it.

Prince doesn’t go in for things like iTunes, and he refuses to let videos that feature his music exist on Youtube.  You might be thinking “Prince, why are you letting your characteristic eccentricity stop you from selling tons more albums on the internet?”  It’s cool if you are, because Prince went ahead and answered that question for you:

“The internet’s completely over. I don’t see why I should give my new music to iTunes or anyone else. They won’t pay me an advance for it and then they get angry when they can’t get it. The internet’s like MTV. At one time MTV was hip and suddenly it became outdated. Anyway, all these computers and digital gadgets are no good. They just fill your head with numbers and that can’t be good for you.”

Thanks for letting us know, Prince!  Sorry, you guys, I’m gonna have to end this article, my head’s just swimming with all these numbers!  I better force them out by listening to some creepy song about Salma Hayek!

I’m not opposed to Lady Gaga. She’s easy on the eyes and some of her songs are pretty catchy, I guess, but I’m not as hardcore about her as what some people clearly are. If she’s, you know, making music and touring, great. If she wasn’t, it probably wouldn’t be long before I kind of forgot who she was altogether.

However, somebody’s clearly all hot and bothered by Gaga’s antics, because a one-sided feud is brewing between Katy Perry and the Lady herself, and it’s either because Perry has some serious religion issues, or she’s just ticked because Gaga’s video blew her stupid “California Gurls” thing out of the water with the sexually-charged “Alejandro.” I mean, come on. Which would you honestly rather? Blue mermaid hair, sparkles and Snoop, or half-naked men, religious undertones and Madonna-esque stage grinding? I think the decision is pretty obvious, despite Snoop, and I’m not even remotely partial to either woman’s music.

Anyway, Katy blasted Gaga on her Twitter yesterday, citing her distaste for blasphemy and comparing it to the lowest form of entertainment, otherwise known as fart jokes. (And yeah, Katy, I think fart jokes are pretty funny … though some of you probably would have guessed that already.)

So, I don’t know. I think Perry’s being catty and silly, because it’s definitely not the first time that religion has been incorporated with music videos, sex and campiness. Anyone remember Madonna? Or, you know, Prince? Maybe George Michael? Yeah.

Sorry, Kitty Purry. Go be busy marrying Russell Brand and shut the fuck up. Your dry brand of Catholic-school humor just isn’t funny. I’d take a fart joke over your music, hell …. any day.

Prince unexpectedly showed up last night at the Apollo Theater’s 75th Anniversary gala sporting a snazzy yellow suit and a diamond studded cane.  Wait — no platforms? 

We may not be seeing The Purple One in stacked shoes for a while, because he needs to have both hips replaced.  Prince is a Jehovah’s Witness, and one of the things that his religion prohibits is blood transfusions.  He’s been reportedly popping profuse amounts of pain pills and using a cane to manage his discomfort.  I wonder if they make purple wheelchairs because that’s what he’ll be headed for if he doesn’t get this surgery.

I did some research on the beliefs of Jehovah’s Witnesses because it’s not a topic I know much about.  You can be shunned or “disfellowshipped” if you received a blood transfusion, even in an emergency situation.  Apparently popping profuse amounts of pain pills is allowed, though.  You know what else can get you the boot?  Buying Girl Scout cookies.  I don’t know why they are banned but I feel that scarfing down a box of Thin Mints would totally be worth the ostracization.

“Hey Valentina, tell your mama she should give me a call

When she get tired of runnin’ after you down the hall

And she’s all worn out from those late-night feedings

and she’s ready for another rock and roll meeting.”

The subtle lyrics to Prince’s new song, “Valentina.”  Incidentally, Prince has obviously had a thing for Salma Hayek for quite awhile.  In his 2001 song “Liquid Dreams,” he sang, “Angelina Jolie’s lips to kiss in the dark, underneath Cindy C’s beauty mark.  When it comes to the test, well Tyra’s the best, and Salma Hayek brings the rest.”

Prince, the artist formerly known as a symbol, performed last night at a launch party for his book 21 Nights.  I thought Prince was all reclusive and ruminating and “I shun this curse of fame” but apparently he felt it was time to share his life story with the world.

Someone once told me I look like Prince.  I remember being absolutely crushed.  Because, let’s face it, Prince=not attractive and a dude.  OK this happened in the seventh grade… but I still carry the pain.  Thank you for letting me share.

Other pictures include Dennis Rodman and Tom Green theater interpretation of the bailout, wedded reality hits Howard Stern and Dave Chapelle answers the question “How many job offers have you received since walking out on Comedy Central in 2005?”

I’ve often said to myself, how can I smell more like a reclusive bible wielding musical genius?

Finally my prayers have been answered. It’s the Prince perfume y’all!

The fragrance will be named 3121, after an album he put out last year (which is so 2006).

The official website is here, but I wouldn’t go to it if you’re high or there goes your day.

The perfume goes on sale 7-7-07 and the line starts here.

At this point I would like to link to a Prince skit that SNL runs quite often called “The Prince Show” but NBC hates free publicity and they sure as hell don’t want you knowing anything about one of their shows so they’ve yanked all video from free sites. Thanks guys!