Paula Abdul straight-up got burned, badly, from a tanning bed. I really shouldn’t make puns because it sounds like she was seriously injured, and what sort of person would I be if I joked about a thing like that? I mean, I may as well draw penises all over celebs’ faces. But anyway. Back to Ms. Abdul. Here’s what TMZ is reporting about the incident:
Paula claims in her lawsuit — obtained by TMZ — she went to UVASUN in L.A. back in 2012. She bought a SlimStar infrared body wrap treatment and then apparently went into the tanning bed.
When she came out … she claims she suffered gross burns over her body, an “especially severe second or third degree burn on a portion of [her] left thigh.”
So really, this is a serious thing. OKAY HAVING SAID THAT, MAY I ASK: who the hell still uses tanning beds??? It’s just a question, not a judgement. I just thought those went out with the ’00s.
Also, how did she not realize she was getting severe burns? Was she high? IT’S A FAIR QUESTION.
Okay but once again, in all seriousness, get better, Paula Abdul.
Kara goes over to her friend Paula’s house for a little party. She’s having a good time, you know, but then she gets a rumbly in her tumbly and has to eat something immediately. She moseys on over to Paula Abdul’s fridge and finds some brownies – success! She helps herself to six of the delicious treats before she’s satisfied, and then she goes back to partying. Everything’s fine, right? No, it surely is not:
“Six hours later I was like, ‘What’s going on?’” she said. “I fell out of bed, on the floor and stumbled down stairs … and the ambulance comes, and this guy is like, ‘This bitch is high as a kite!”
DioGuardi said she spent the following three days sick in bed. “I was hallucinating, I was on an IV. I stumbled out like junkie … it was bad news!”
Kara made sure to tell everyone that the pot brownies were not Paula’s (as if), but I don’t think that’s the part of the story she should have been worried about. Paula has earned the right to keep desserts laced with drugs in her home, but has Kara earned the right to just take six whole brownies from her hostess’ refrigerator? I think not.
Some of us are really bad with change. It’s ok, there’s nothing to be ashamed of if you’re one of those people. It’s just that, for some of us, whenever something significant or even something we just perceive in our neurotic little minds to be significant changes, we feel like something is trying to claw our insides out from within. And that’s how I felt when Paula Abdul left American Idol.
But chin up, fellow neurotics, because Paula and Simon Cowell are soon to be reunited in televised singing competition glory! Huzzah!
Paula is going to be a judge on The X Factor, the show that Simon left Idol for. The panel’s going to consist of Paula, Simon, L.A. Reid, and Cheryl Cole. But let’s be real, like anyone is going to give a damn about L.A. and Cheryl when Paula’s pulling her same old shit and Simon is existing, right?
Not back to American Idol or anything. No, this is better. Paula Abdul is the executive producer, creative partner, lead judge, mentor, and coach for a dance competition show, Got to Dance. The show is going to premiere on CBS sometime mid-season as the U.S. edition of a British show with the same name, and it will no doubt be a train wreck.
I never really got into American Idol, but I have a friend who watches it religiously, and she always sends me clips and says “watch this hilarious audition,” or “watch Ryan Seacrest be ridiculous,” but my favorite has always been when she says “watch Paula Abdul be out of her fucking mind.” And she always really, really was. That was when she was just a judge, but if she’s what seems to be the running force of the show then I can’t even begin to imagine that magic.
OK, well it’s not a lot, but you at least can get a taste for what it will be like when Ellen DeGeneres takes over for Paula Abdul next Tuesday on American Idol. I only saw the Boston auditions from this new season so far and I really really missed Paula, but Ellen could possibly be a hilarious addition to the judges panel. I don’t think Ellen will ever be Simon levels of mean, but she won’t be Paula’s level of nice either. Are you going to be tuning in on Tuesday and what do you think the addition of Ellen will mean for the show?
Lindsay Lohan and Paula Abdul were canoodling last night at Richard Branson’s Rock the Kasbah party — oh who even cares where they were? — and seemed quite chatty. Can you even imagine what a conversation between these two would sound like?
LL: Hi, Paula. I’m a really big fan. I hope to attain your level of tolerance celebrity one day.
PA: Linds! Rock on! You just *unintelligible slur* need to believe in yourself. Don’t ever forget that!
LL: I know. I’m working too hard. I’m a workaholic and now that I’m a designer, I just find the work so exhausting. No rest is really making my *sniff* allergies act up.
PA: Well … uh … you just gotta believe in *unintelligible slur* who you are and who you are is beautiful. Don’t ever forget that!
Is there anything sadder than this devastatingly un-funny send-up of the popular, successful, funny, sober woman who took your job? It’s just a bit of goodnatured ribbing with really poor timing, right? It doesn’t at all smack of bitterness.